


Broken Jade

by Sol1056



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, POV Heero Yuy, POV Trowa Barton, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-26
Updated: 2003-11-26
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:38:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 164,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sol1056/pseuds/Sol1056
Summary: He could think of this...thing...as Jade, but sometimes it was too much. He wanted it to be Duo. He wanted his friend back.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I am indebted to ArithKenshin for her thoughtful and thought-provoking feedback on the story concept. She provided valuable insight and suggestions, and inadvertently prompted me to start the story, and has provided continual feedback and encouragement through each chapter.

_IMPORTANT: This story grew out of my wish to respond to the seemingly endless number of stories revolving around the topic of slavery, especially those that focus on breaking or torturing a person past their point of resistance. Sometimes reading those becomes excruciating, since so many seem to revel in a concept that I find personally abhorrent, when put into reality: removing all free will from a person, and destroying their spark of individuality. And worse, few investigate the process involved in surviving (let alone healing from) such an experience. So I decided I would._

_Part of the bleakness will be as the back-story becomes clear. Expect physical abuse, violence, torture, and possible squick situations. Also expect gallows humor, surprising light-hearted moments, and behaviors that make no sense from a rational point of view._

_It is not a pretty picture. And the simple fact is that I can't necessarily promise a happy ending in the traditional sense, where everything ends up back to 'normal,' because I can't find anything in the medical or psychological information that indicates that a person—after surviving such an intense psychological breakdown—will ever be truly 'normal' again. You're also going to read a lot of questions raised by performing such a horror, and the two main characters will also be raising ethical questions about their own roles in the recreation of an individual. Some of their positions and conclusions may surprise you, and some may upset you._

_I've done a great deal of research for this story, and I'm trying to stick to as realistic an extrapolation as possible. Now that you're braced for impact, I will assure you that I believe in the strength of a human being to come up with a way to fight even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. To paraphrase Trowa's words in the first chapter, none of the characters in this story are going to go gently into any damn night._

 

_(Sept 2017: As I upload to AO3, I've made some minor stylistic changes in each chapter. Hopefully it should read a bit smoother than the versions you'll see on FF.net or GWA.)_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

The room was getting dark, but Heero didn't stir. Dusk came early in the mountains, but he remained in the chair, sitting where he could see the door, and the dark shape over by the wall. Heero glanced up at the clock, and did a quick calculation. Trowa should be home with Ifrit in fifteen minutes. Heero would be able to hear the Jeep on the gravel driveway for plenty of warning.

It had only taken an hour and he'd run out of things to say. The figure never moved unless given something to do, but even direct orders couldn't drag a word out of it.

"Are you thirsty?" Heero's voice cracked, but he tried to stay calm. The quiet anguish was wearing on them both, despite their attempts to stay busy, to focus on something tangible that could be fixed. For all the times they had enjoyed the silence between them, as a couple...Heero stifled a sigh. This wasn't the same. "Trowa should be back soon," he added.

The figure didn't move.

"There's soda in the fridge," he said, watching carefully.

The figure stirred, came to its feet in a graceful single move, and swept past him without looking up. Heero leaned forward, cradling his head in his hands, listening as the fridge opened, and a container was set on the countertop. The wooden cabinet was opened and shut so quietly he didn't register a glass had been selected until he heard the clink of glass on the countertop, followed by the sound of soda falling into a cup. The fridge opened and closed, and then the freezer, and Heero could hear the sound of three ice cubes being dropped into the glass.

Trowa always adds three ice cubes after pouring my drink, he thought, and wondered when Jade had ever lifted his eyes long enough to notice such details. Almost two months of being with him constantly, and they were no closer to their goal. The only progress, sometimes, seemed to be that Jade now reacted to implied orders as well as direct ones.

Heero felt movement past him, and glanced up to see the glass of soda being held out. It rested on the palm of one hand, and the fingers of the other hand kept it in place. Jade was on his knees, his head down, and his knees were spread shoulder-width apart. Heero sighed and took the glass. He'd learned already that if he didn't, Jade would simply sit there, waiting. For hours, if need be.

The hands dropped when relieved of the glass, and fell back to their usual position, clasped lightly at the small of Jade's back, just above his tailbone. His black long-sleeved shirt and black jeans seemed incongruous with the position, Heero reflected momentarily, but at least he was dressed. It had taken them two weeks to get Jade to dress regularly, and even then, sometimes he'd backslide. Heero set the glass down on the coffee table, and leaned forward.

Placing one finger under Jade's chin, he lifted the head up. The eyes dropped, focused squarely on the floor, or perhaps on his shins. Heero couldn't be sure. It didn't matter. Those blue eyes wouldn't look at him.

Heero pulled his hand away, sighing as Jade's chin dropped back down, his head lowered. Reluctantly, sadly, Heero ran his fingers through the chestnut bangs, grown long across the face. He watched for some flash, some reaction, as he caressed the hair, pulling the braid around to rest on Jade's shoulder. It was a third of its wartime length, and Heero squashed the sudden anger that always flared up when he touched it, these days. Jade would only flinch, and it wasn't anger at Jade.

"I spent four years learning to show emotion, thanks to you," Heero whispered, fingering the braid that was barely past shoulder-length. "And now I spend every day trying to squeeze myself back into a box, because if I don't..."

Heero sighed and leaned forward, planting a soft kiss on Jade's forehead. He rubbed his thumb against the silent figure's cheek, barely smiling as Jade's eyes closed and he leaned into the touch. Trowa had reminded Heero, so many times, that physical touch was a reward, and rewards were necessary in the process.

Involuntarily, he whispered: "Duo..."

There it was again, that flinch. Heero swore, silently. It didn't even take a strike, and Jade reacted with pain. Just a single word, and yet Heero couldn't help it. He could think of this...thing...as Jade, but sometimes it was too much. He wanted it to be Duo. He wanted his friend back.

But the longer they'd remain there, Heero knew, the more Jade would grow worried. Having nothing to do seemed to be an issue of great concern to Jade, and it was with a rising sorrow that Heero released the young man.

"Go back to your spot," he said quietly.

The figure rose with in a fluid movement, backing up silently for several feet before sinking to his knees and backing onto the pillow. Once there, he came to rest in the same kneeling posture. Heero watched, feeling the helplessness flooding his system. He wanted to smash something. He wanted to kill something. He wanted to scream, to shout, to do something, but all he could do was watch...and give orders.

"Take a nap, Jade," he ordered gently. Heero watched as the figure turned on the pillow and curled up in a ball, hands around the ankles, head tucked between the knees. "Trowa should be home, soon. Everything's going to be okay."

Heero leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. He didn't feel like reading a book, or checking email. He didn't even feel like eating, but it was nearly dinnertime, and Trowa would be hungry when he got back. There was a sound from outside the cabin of gravel crunching under tires, and the purr of an engine approaching.

He sighed and stood up, aware that Jade was alert as well. Heero ran a hand through his hair, squared his shoulders, and went to meet his lover at the door.


	2. stem of mallow

The storm  
During half-day  
Has broken the stem of mallow.  
― Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

The cell phone rang, and Trowa dug it out of his bag, wet droplets from his hair scattering across the bed. "Barton," he said, already digging with the other hand for a clean pair of jeans.

"Yuy. Location?"

Trowa blinked. That wasn't the greeting he'd expected. "Home. Just got in half-hour ago."

There was a pause, and Heero's voice came back, a little softer. "Safe trip?"

"Safe, but long." Trowa snorted. "Hold on." Dropping the phone, he pulled a shirt over his head, and picked the phone back up. "Everything okay?"

"Unpacked yet?"

"No ... " Trowa drew out the response, suspicious.

"Good." Heero's tone was clipped. "Pack some jeans and shirts, then go by my place and get my Jeep. I'll also need you to grab my traveling bag from the closet. And bring an extra set of sweatpants and sweatshirt. They should be in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I'm in the Elmsford district. Call me when you leave my place and I'll have exact directions. Bring your hiking boots, too."

"What's going on?"

There was a longer pause, and Trowa checked to make sure they hadn't been disconnected. Finally Heero sighed, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded very far away.

"I don't ... want to discuss it over the phone. Just get here, as soon as you can."

 

 

 

Trowa pulled up in front of the imposing old brownstone an hour later. Sighing, he pushed his still-damp hair out of his eyes. He hadn't packed that fast in years, and he was still exhausted from the shuttle trip back from L3. Checking for his Preventers badge and grabbing the small backpack, he dashed up the steps. The door opened before he even had a chance to knock.

"Agent Barton," Une said. She smiled, but her eyes were weary. "Thanks for getting here so quickly."

He nodded and stepped into the entryway, a little boggled by the gilded large mirrors and the massive chandelier overhead. The floor was black and white marble, and Une's low heels clicked ominously as she led the way to the front parlor. An older woman sat there, her elegant suit and fine pearls perfectly in keeping with the ornate interior.

"Agent Barton, this is Marquise Thibaud," Une said, but the older woman didn't say anything, so Trowa only nodded. Une picked up a small black leather case. It was the size of a large book, and zipped along the edges. "Did you bring the clothes with you?"

"Yes, ma'am," Trowa told her, turning so she could see the small backpack slung over his shoulder.

"This is everything we've found," she told him, handing him the leather case. He was a little surprised to find it was heavier than he expected, and he gave Une a puzzled look. She sighed and dropped her eyes. "That's ... all the paperwork we've located. I've looked through it, and I think you may need it."

"Need it?" Trowa struggled to find his voice. "May I ask the situation?"

"Yuy didn't tell you?"

He shook his head, and Une made a face. Reluctantly, she took the case from him and unzipped it. "This," she said quietly, "is the situation."

Trowa watched, confused, as she handed him a piece of paper. Slowly dragging his eyes from her haunted expression, he glanced down. It appeared to be a bill of sale, and he stared at it for a second, taking it in. Seller's address: L2. Buyer's address: Elmsford, Sanq. Item: Jade. Price: 750,000 credits. Trowa glanced up at Une.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before speaking. "Look at the attachment."

He realized there were two pages, and flipped the bill of sale back to look at the sheet attached. It was a list of particulars about the item sold, but his attention was caught by a three-inch square image at the top right of the sheet. It was a photograph. Trowa stared, feeling the room shift around him. He blinked, realizing belatedly that Une had taken the sheet from his shaking fingers.

"Upstairs," she said quietly. "Second door on the left."

 

 

 

Une sighed as Trowa spun on his heels, his tread heavy on the stairs. Une stared down at the picture, and did her best not to cry as she returned the papers to the leather case.

"Are you sure they can do this?" The older woman asked, her cultured accent foreign to Une's ears.

"If anyone can, they can," Une replied, then laughed bitterly. "Besides, if I asked anyone else, the rest of them would kill me without hesitation."

 

 

 

Trowa came to a halt outside the bedroom door, and tentatively pushed the door open. He was stunned to see the room was ransacked completely, papers and clothes everywhere. It took several seconds for the chaos to resolve long enough for him to identify a large four-poster bed in one corner, a large desk on the opposite wall, and a small seating area in front of a fireplace. The single room was probably the size of his entire apartment, as his gaze came to rest on Heero.

"Heero?" Trowa strode over, dropping to his knees next to the man in the middle of the room, kneeling on the floor. Heero was hunched over, his hands on his knees, his head hanging down. "Heero?"

Heero raised his head, and the same haunted look was in his eyes that Trowa had seen in Une's. Heero opened his mouth, made no sound, and closed it with an audible snap. Slowly Heero closed his eyes, letting his head drop. "He's ... in there," he whispered.

Trowa dropped the bag, staggering to his feet. There was a door, a little ajar, opposite Heero. Trowa felt like he was swimming through molten glass, and every step alternately throbbed and sliced him, until he was close enough to push the door open. He was staring into a little room, lit by a small window high up in the wall. Letting his eyes adjust, he could only gape at what he saw.

A cage, like the shuttles used for transporting large dogs.

The tall Preventer put a hand on the doorframe, instinctively seeking something to hold him up as his knees sagged.

There was someone in the cage, and it wasn't a dog.

Distant memories came flooding back to Trowa, and he nearly gagged. Shoving one hand over his mouth, he stumbled forward, falling to his knees in front of the cage. The damn thing was nearly three feet tall, by three feet wide, with only enough room for the naked man inside it to be curled in a fetal position. The naked body was resting on a deep blue pillow, and it was only once Trowa noticed the chestnut hair streaming across the man's shoulders that the reality was driven home.

Duo.

Trowa was on his feet in an instant, and out of the room.

"Bathroom," he managed to gasp, and Heero pointed. Trowa tore the door open, fell to his knees, and vomited his last meal. Gasping as he flushed the toilet, he stood on shaky legs, scrabbling at the toothpaste on the bathroom counter. Scrubbing at his teeth with a finger covered with toothpaste, he gargled and spit, then drank more water. He stared at his reflection for several seconds, taking in the way his green eyes looked preternaturally bright from the shock, the pupils large enough to make the iris thin threads of green. His auburn hair was hanging in his face, past his nose, and he twitched his head to get it out of his eyes as he returned to the bedroom.

"Heero," he said, his voice a little more controlled. "Go get that pack of papers from Une. What we need is probably in there." He waited until Heero nodded, uncurling himself from his crouch on the floor. Trowa sighed as the door shut behind Heero, and picked up the bag, returning to the small room.

When Heero returned, Trowa had managed to undo the cage door's mechanism. It was an intricate design but not a difficult one, and he puzzled absently over the fact that Duo normally could slip out of such a cage without breaking a sweat. In fact, he thought distantly, Duo would laugh himself silly over the notion of anyone thinking such a lock could hold him. Trowa pushed the thought away and focused on waking the sleeping man.

"Duo," he called softly, surprised to see the young body flinch as though it had been hit. "Duo," he called again, testing, and frowned when he saw the body shiver a second time. "Come out of there, please," he ordered gently.

Slowly the body uncurled, the hands clenching at the pillow before the head came up. The eyes were lowered, and Trowa was amazed at the sleepy grace the naked man showed as he crawled from the cage. The young man yawned a little, then immediately cringed.

"Shh, it's okay," Trowa told him. "Duo?"

The young man flinched, even worse this time, and began trembling. Trowa crouched down on his heels, his elbows resting on his knees as he watched Duo sit upright in a peculiar pose. The young man knelt before Trowa, his knees shoulder-width apart, his chest pushed out slightly, his hands behind his back, and his chin down. There was a silver collar around his neck, with a large thumb pad in the middle, like a pendant. Trowa glanced down to see a silver band around the base of Duo's cock, and decided to leave that until later.

"Look at me," Trowa said. The other man's head didn't move, and Trowa reached out, taking Duo by the chin. As he raised the head, the eyes remained lowered, and Trowa frowned. There were footsteps behind him, and Heero returned, thrusting the black leather case at him. "Thanks," Trowa said over his shoulder. Quickly he laid the case out on the floor, unzipping it and sorting through the papers.

"What are you looking for?" Heero's puzzled voice came from behind him, and Trowa was startled that Heero hadn't retreated again.

"Starting orders," Trowa replied curtly. "They should be in here somewhere."

"What?" There was a pause, while Heero digested Trowa's words. "How do you know about this?"

"When I was twelve ... " The taller Preventer scanned several sheets quickly and set them aside for reading later. "We were hired to break up a slave ring that had kidnapped a number of teenagers. All I remember was that the ... victims ... had something called starting orders. I'm not sure what those are, but they're important. The Captain sent me back to camp once we were done, so I didn't get to see much." Trowa nodded in satisfaction, picking up a sheet and glancing over it quickly. "Here." Clearing his throat, he glanced at the unmoving figure in front of him. "When the moon rises over the low hills, there are too many stars to count."

"Poetic," Heero observed dryly.

"His name is Jade," Trowa said, still reading. There was a movement in front of him, and he looked up to see Duo quivering. "Jade?"

The young man's expression seemed to grow even more pleased despite his downcast eyes, and his body was tensed, seeming to arch towards Trowa without moving. Every muscle strained, giving the appearance of an extreme attentiveness to the words spoken. Trowa glanced down at the paper, noting the variety of basic commands. Committing several of the shorter ones to memory, he shuffled the papers back into the case and zipped it up.

"Take that, and please bring me the backpack," he told Heero. "Let's get him dressed. Are we taking him to your place? And have you called the others?"

"No," Heero replied, his voice distant as he retrieved the backpack. "And no, I didn't want to call anyone. I ... don't know why, I just don't," he added, his voice forlorn.

Trowa took a second to stand, turning to embrace Heero unexpectedly, and wasn't surprised when the Japanese man clutched at him tightly. "Shh," Trowa murmured into Heero's ear. "We'll take care of this. I'm here, with you."

"Thank you," Heero mumbled, finally releasing Trowa. "I don't think ... I can do this, alone." He dropped his eyes as he backed up, and Trowa knew how much it had taken out of his friend to admit that.

"I understand," Trowa replied softly, squeezing Heero's hand tightly before crouching again in front of Duo. Now that the shock was over, he was noticing several other details. There were scars, from the war, littering Duo's body, and he clinically deduced that this had probably bought the buying price down several notches. Suddenly furious at himself, he pushed the thought away and focused on the strange metal collar encircling Duo's neck. He contemplated it for several seconds before remembering the curious command listed on the sheet. "Unlock, Jade," he said, and waited to see what would happen.

Slowly Duo's hand came up, and pressed a thumb against the pad. The collar whirred gently, and unhinged with a quiet snap. Trowa nodded, and leaned forward, opening the collar wide enough to remove it from around Duo's neck. Before he could throw it away, Duo's hand caught at it, clutching the collar tightly.

"Duo?" Trowa frowned, both at the young man's reaction, and the flinch, followed by trembling. It's like he hurts, every time I call his name, Trowa thought. Sitting back on his heels, he released the collar, saddened to see Duo retain his hold on the collar, clutching it to his chest like a security item. "He's Jade, Heero."

"What?"

"Jade, call him Jade."

"He's not Jade," Heero hissed. "He's Duo ... he's just injured. He's in shock."

"Heero," Trowa snapped. "Stop saying that name. It hurts him. Call him Jade."

There was no answer, and then Heero sighed deeply, acknowledging Trowa's request.

"Jade," Trowa said then, his tone softer. "Put that down, and put on these clothes." He dug out the sweatpants and sweatshirt, and the young man's hands hesitated, and then dropped the collar. Tentatively, Duo unfolded the clothes, never standing as he pulled each item on. There was a sound of chiming bells, and Trowa realized there were two more metal shackles, around Duo's ankles, with myriad small bells attached. He caught Duo's ankle for a second, studying the shackle, and realized the anklets were solid metal, soldered into one piece. Duo froze as he was touched, and keened softly under his breath as Trowa released him. "Finish getting dressed," Trowa said.

A minute later, Duo was dressed and had returned to his original position. Trowa stood, regarding him silently. Heero waited, in the doorway, the leather case in his hands, anger and hurt warring on his features as he watched the longhaired man, his best friend, reach for the collar again, holding it tightly.

Trowa contemplated the action, and came to a decision. "Heero, did you see any ribbons, or cord, somewhere in the bedroom?" He glanced up to meet the other man's blue eyes. "That was your work in the bedroom, I'm guessing."

"Yes," Heero said, not quite meeting Trowa's eyes. "I was ... mad. And no ... I didn't see anything like a cord, or rope."

"I figured you were a bit upset," Trowa replied. "Go rip up a corner of the sheets, and bring me a strip. About an inch wide, I'd guess. I think the Marquise can replace a set of sheets."

Heero frowned, puzzled, but nodded. Trowa could hear a ripping sound, and a second later Heero had brought him a deep blue strip of bed sheet. Kneeling, Trowa tied it neatly around Duo's neck, sorrow filling him as Duo immediately relaxed and nuzzled his hands in silent gratitude.

"Stand up, Jade, we're leaving," Trowa told the silent young man. The tall Preventer glanced around the small room, and his eyes fell on a trunk sitting against the wall. "What does that say?"

Heero stepped forward, squinting at the characters carved into the wooden chest's surface. "I think it's the kanji for jade."

"Bring that, too," Trowa said. Bending down, he pulled the blue pillow from the cage and handed it to Duo, who was standing with his head down. "Carry this, Jade," he said. Behind Duo, Heero hefted the trunk with a grunt, and led the way from the bedroom. Trowa grabbed the leather case and the empty backpack. "Come on, Jade, we're going home." Duo didn't respond or nod, but stepped forward, waiting. Trowa sighed and led the way from the little room.

 

 

 

There was shouting in the front parlor as they came down the stairs. A man was standing in the entryway, glaring at the older woman. His left wrist was in a cast, and there was a bandage on his forehead, but his dark suit was neatly pressed. "Mother, how dare you come into my house and steal from me! Of all the damn nerve!"

Heero set down the trunk on the bottom stairs, moving a little to the side. Trowa automatically stepped up alongside the shorter man, aware that they were now blocking Duo from the stranger's view, who Trowa guessed to be in his late thirties. Behind them, Duo moved forward, shuffling until he was close to Trowa but still not touching.

"Vincent," the older woman snapped. "Watch your language. I made you, and I can break you, and I certainly won't allow a child of mine to participate in trafficking in human souls." She pulled herself up to her full height, which Trowa noted was probably equal with his own, and gave Vincent a glare to match Heero's current expression. "If it weren't for your older brother's engagement, I'd have no problem turning you over to the authorities without a second thought."

The man barked a laugh. "Of course, always Michael. God damn it, Mother, I didn't do anything illegal. This was an consensual agreement!"

Trowa heard a click, and the next thing he knew, Heero's gun was out and aimed directly for Vincent's head. "This," Heero intoned coldly, "was not consensual. Say it again, and I will kill you."

The man froze, studied Heero, and slowly relaxed, laughing brazenly. "You wouldn't dare."

Heero flipped off the safety. "I would, and I'd lose no sleep over it."

Une's voice rang out. "Agent Yuy, back down."

Heero didn't move.

"Yuy!" Une stepped into the entryway, her hands on her hips.

With a parting glare at Vincent, Heero lowered the gun and shoved it back into the holster at the back of his jeans. He hefted the trunk again and strode past Vincent without another glance.

"Knew he couldn't do it," Vincent jeered as the front door shut behind Heero.

"If he had, I would not have stopped him," the Marquise replied. "I'm halfway tempted to do it myself."

Trowa didn't stick around to hear the rest, but led Duo down the stairs. Keeping himself between Vincent and the longhaired young man, Trowa didn't glance back as they left the house.

 

 

 

Neither Heero nor Trowa said anything until they had the trunk and the blue pillow stowed in the back of the Jeep Cherokee. Trowa gave Heero the keys, and opened the door for Duo, who obediently climbed into the backseat. Trowa paused, frowning, and pulled the seatbelt down, buckling Duo in. Then he climbed into the front passenger's seat, leaning back with an exhausted sigh.

"You didn't want to take him to your place?" Trowa rubbed his forehead and watched the street as Heero pulled away from the curb.

"No," Heero said. "Une's given us both leave for six months."

"Six months?" Trowa nearly barked the response. "I don't have that much sick leave and vacation time, together!"

"It's paid," Heero replied, his face set in stern lines. "We'll be on injured status, along with Duo."

"Jade," Trowa automatically corrected, hearing a whimper from the backseat.

Heero grunted, then glanced at the leather case sitting on the floor at Trowa's feet. His voice was toneless, and weary. "There should be directions in there, in the back, for where we're going. Une's family has a cabin in the mountains, and she's sending us there. She suggested isolation might be helpful, rather than throwing ... Jade ... into circumstances that he's not prepared to deal with, right now."

"I see." Trowa flipped through the case, finding Une's neatly written directions on a sheet at the back. Scanning them, he whistled under his breath. "This is four hours from here."

Heero nodded. "I'm fine to drive. Go to sleep, and I'll wake you in two hours. We'll stop for dinner somewhere."

"Jade," Trowa said then, "take a nap."

"What was that for?" Heero glanced over at Trowa before checking over his shoulder, merging onto the highway.

"It's one of the commands. There's a list in that case." Trowa twisted in the seat to see Duo curling up, his knees under his chin, and his head tucked down. The chestnut-brown hair slid across the figure, and Trowa realized the hair was only just past Duo's shoulders. "His hair," Trowa breathed. "They cut off his braid ... "

"I should've killed that bastard," Heero hissed. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

"Heero," Trowa said quietly. "What's going on? How did ... " He let the sentence trail off, too tired to continue. Trowa leaned his head back, watching his lover stare at the highway, his blue eyes shifting minutely as he watched the heavy traffic around them. "Heero ... talk to me."

There was a strange sound, almost like a stifled sob, and Heero's brows came down in an angry frown. "When I got there ... and saw him ... all I could think ... " He clenched the steering wheel tight enough to warp the metal, and refused to look at Trowa.

Trowa sighed, closing his eyes. Six months ago, he'd been away on an infiltration mission when a tip had come in that suggested street kids on L2 were being kidnapped for the black market slave trade. Several businesses had promised investment money on L2, if the high number of under-aged indigents could be reduced. Two companies had stepped in, taking the donated funds and promising to educate the kids and place them in homes. The tip had implied that one of the companies was actually forcing the street kids into slavery. Trowa would have taken the job with Heero acting as his contact, but the Farmington Plant investigation wasn't going to be done for another month, and Une had wanted someone on the L2 investigation immediately.

Heero had asked Duo, and the longhaired man had agreed on the condition that he would run his own show, with only Heero as contact. Duo had never been interested in working for Preventers, except when Heero or Quatre asked him to for special missions that needed his skills. The longhaired man didn't like taking orders and following protocol, Trowa recalled.

But a month after heading to L2, Duo had disappeared, and the company had gone underground. Kids continued to disappear, but all their leads had disappeared along with Duo. Heero continued to search diligently, digging through every scrap of evidence, trying to find Duo. A month after that, a shuttle from L2 to L3 exploded due to engine malfunctions. Seventeen people had died, and Duo's name was on the roster. There was no other confirmation that Duo was there, and security tapes of the shuttle bay did not show Duo among the people boarding. As a result, he had been officially listed as missing in action.

Trowa leaned against the headrest, and turned to watch his lover. They'd been dating when Duo took the mission, but it wasn't until the news of Duo's alleged death that Heero broke down and admitted needing Trowa as more than a casual boyfriend. Trowa sighed, turning his head to stare out at the trees and fields out the car window. Duo and Heero had been best friends for years, and it was always Duo at Heero's side, when the man needed a confidant. Seeing Duo like this, now ... Trowa tilted the seat back a little, trying to stretch out his legs.

"Talk to me, Yuy." Trowa's tone was harsher, turning the coax into a command.

"Later," Heero replied curtly.

"Not later, now," Trowa snapped. "I just got off a six-hour shuttle ride after three weeks of holding your ex-wife's hand, and I find out our friend is still alive and ... " He snapped his mouth shut, unwilling to say more. After a second, he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "Just give me the basic information. Don't leave me in the cold, here."

"Marquise Thibaud is Vincent and Michael Thibaud's mother," Heero replied, and Trowa blinked, realizing where he knew that name.

"Michael ... Relena's fiancé?"

"The same." Heero's lip curled in a snarl. "I told her I thought he wasn't good enough for her."

Trowa rolled his eyes. "Christ, Heero," he barked. "It's been two years." Heero simply grunted, and Trowa took another deep breath, trying to focus past his jet lag and empty stomach. "Just tell me what happened," he finally said.

"Marquise Thibaud came to see Director Une this morning. When Une recognized ... Jade, she called me into the meeting." Heero leaned back in the seat, resting his right hand on the gearshift, absently running the palm of his hand over the knob as he talked. "The Marquise's son was in some sort of accident yesterday, and the Marquise went to his house to get something for him at the hospital. She discovered ... Jade ... and went directly to see Une. She promised to get her son to help the investigation, in return for silence about her family's involvement."

Trowa snorted. "That asshole didn't look like he'd be willing to help much, from what I saw."

"You didn't spend an hour listening to her deal with Une." Heero nearly smiled, but the expression faded quickly. "She can be very persuasive."

"Let's hope so." Trowa paused, as a new thought occurred to him. He dug through the papers in the leather case, until he found several he'd noticed before. Reading them several times, he shook his head as he packed the case away. "Stop at the next exit. Let's get some food, and get Jade to a bathroom. He'll need water, too."

"A bathroom?"

"He won't go unless he's given permission," Trowa explained quietly.

Heero growled and slammed the palm of his hand against the steering wheel. "What the hell did they do to him?"

"Everything, I imagine," came the sorrowful reply.


	3. the far moon

Sleep on horseback,  
The far moon in a continuing dream,  
Steam of roasting tea.  
― Basho Matsuo

 

 

 

Heero pulled into the parking lot of a small Italian restaurant and checked the time. "Two o'clock," he told Trowa. "Lunch rush should be done."

"Good," Trowa replied, then stopped, halfway out of the car. "Shit."

"What?" Heero paused as he shut off the car.

"Shoes."

"What about them?"

"Jade...bare feet...restaurant?" Trowa shook his head. "You do the math. What size shoe does he wear? Any chance the two of you wear the same size?"

"I think his feet are a size larger than mine," Heero said. He scratched his chin as he looked over his shoulder at the backseat. Duo was still asleep, his head tucked down between his knees, the chestnut hair covering everything. "Did you get my hiking boots? Those run a little large."

"They're in the trunk," Trowa replied, getting out of the car. A minute later he had Duo awake, and putting on socks and shoes. Heero watched as Trowa whispered softly to the silent young man, helping him out of the car. Trowa stopped then, and Heero was startled to see the taller man flush bright red. "There's one thing..."

Heero crossed his arms, annoyed. It was bad enough seeing Duo just standing there, nothing to say, no smiles... He ignored the sudden pain in his chest and focused on his lover, waiting.

"He's wearing a cock ring," Trowa mumbled.

"He..." Heero swallowed hard, certain he was blushing just as thoroughly. He could feel his ears getting warm. "And you're telling me this because..?"

The taller man ran a hand through his auburn hair, pulling it back long enough to pierce Heero with a steady expression. "First, it was still on him when he was soft. That means it's on there pretty tight. I don't know if that'll make it hard for him to piss. And second, he's _your_ best friend. If there's anyone here to do the honors, I'd think it'd be you."

"I'm not exactly an expert in cock rings," Heero replied, a little uncomfortably. Sulking a little at Trowa's glare, he nodded reluctantly. "Come on...Jade...let's get you to the restroom." Duo didn't move, and Heero stopped a few feet away, realizing that Duo wasn't with him. "Jade," he snapped, a bit more forcefully than he intended. "Come on. Don't you need to go?"

Duo responded by stepping closer to Trowa, but still not touching the taller man. His hands were clenched tightly at his sides, but his shoulders were slumped. Trowa glanced down, and sighed. "Jade," he said, setting a hand on Duo's shoulder. "Go with him. I'm going to get us a table. I want you to use the facilities..." He glanced over at Heero, puzzled. "How specific do you think the commands have to be?"

Heero did his best version of a restrained gape. "You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not, damn it," Trowa snapped. "The papers distinctly said he requires permission for everything, but I don't―" Trowa bit off his words and glanced away for a long minute. "Look, I'm doing the best I can, too. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Neither do I," Heero acknowledged, stepping back to close the distance between them. "I guess we can start with general. Jade," Heero said, clearing his throat a little. "We're going inside so you can use the bathroom."

Duo's only response was to lean towards Trowa. Heero looked at Trowa, one eyebrow raised.

"Jade," Trowa said, pushing gently at Duo's shoulders. "Go with Heero. When I'm not there, you listen to what he says. Understood?"

Duo nodded once, but didn't lift his head.

Trowa stepped back, exhaling slowly. "He'll take care of you, Jade. Don't worry." He glanced at Heero as a scowl flitted across his face. "And you'd better. Don't take your anger about this out on him."

Heero narrowed his eyes, opened his mouth, and thought better of it. Slowly he nodded, and managed a small smile for Duo's downcast face. "Jade, come on." Waiting until Duo began walking, he led the way into the restaurant, Trowa bringing up the rear. They separated at the entrance. Inside the men's bathroom, Heero watched carefully as Duo entered a stall. Curious, he bent down, noticing that Duo was facing the toilet. Heero leant against the wall, his arms crossed as he waited, listening to Duo urinate.

Guess that answers one question, Heero thought. We'll deal with the rest of it...later, he decided.

 

 

 

Heero could see papers spread out across the table as he and Duo joined Trowa. The taller man glanced up and dropped his head again, focused on what he was reading.

"Jade, sit down," Heero said, and nearly wasn't fast enough to catch Duo under the arms. "Shit, Trowa," he gasped, struggling with Duo's dead weight as the silent man let his legs buckle under him.

"What's he doing?" Trowa came out of his seat, and shot Heero a baffled look. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him to sit down!" Heero pulled Duo back to his feet, frightened at the way Duo was trembling badly under his touch. I'm not gripping him that hard, he thought. "And he dropped like a rock!" Heero gritted his teeth as Duo tried to sink down again, and yanked the silent man back upright.

"Jade," Trowa barked. "Sit...in the booth. No kneeling," he added in a softer tone. There was a pause, and Duo's legs slowly unfolded. His entire body radiated hesitancy as he slowly slid into the booth across from Trowa. "That's better," Trowa informed him as Heero slid into the booth next to Duo. "From now on, Jade," Trowa said quietly, "you'll sit on chairs or booths...or sofas...but no kneeling."

There was a half-nod from Duo, and his quivering slowly subsided. The waitress appeared a minute later, and Trowa ordered for all three. He knew Heero's eating and drinking habits well enough, and he clearly doubted that Duo would pick something.

"You ordered a child's meal for him?" Heero pulled several of the sheets towards him, giving his lover a dubious look. "He'll need more food than that."

"Water is what he needs mostly," Trowa replied. "That sheet covers the information on what to do when he's woken up from the sedatives. He was out for forty-eight hours over the trip. His stomach won't be able to handle any but the blandest food, in small doses, for a day or two."

Heero nodded and reviewed the sheet. It read like information on dealing with transporting animals from Earth to the colonies. It contained the usual information about diet for the first week after the trip, type of sleeping drug used, and a scale of weight to length of time sleeping. He ran down the list, and rested his forehead on the heel of his hand as he studied the sheet. "I'm losing my appetite, fast," he muttered.

"There's more," Trowa said quietly. Heero looked up to see Trowa glance around the near-empty restaurant before speaking. "Those starting orders..."

"What about them?"

"They're for imprinting."

"As in..." Heero's mind refused to acknowledge the information.

"I'm his Master, now."

There was a long silence at the table, as Heero thought over Duo's strange behavior. "That makes sense," he said, his voice soft as he watched Duo's still form. "He used the stall in the bathroom...I got the feeling he didn't want me seeing him..."

Trowa nodded. "From what I've read, that would be something they'd...train him to do." Heero growled softly, and Trowa sighed, his voice dropping to a whisper. "The problem, Heero, is that in all this information about commands, and skills, and suggested punishment schemes, and reinforcement, and..." The tall man threw up his hands and leaned back in the booth, lines of exhaustion clearly etched on his face. "There's not a single word about what they had to do, to get this result."

"Which means we have nothing to go on, for an idea of how to undo it," Heero replied.

"Exactly."

Their food arrived, and Trowa pointed to the plate set down in front of Duo. "Eat your dinner, Jade. But," he added, letting his hand rest of Duo's clasped fingers, "stop eating when you feel full."

They were silent for the rest of the meal. Heero focused on reading the medical reports and the reinforcement patterns suggested by the slave auction sellers, while Trowa reviewed the commands and skills that Duo had been taught. Duo ate about half of his hamburger, and several of his fries. Eventually Heero realized Duo was eating slower and slower, and he nudged Trowa, who told Duo to stop eating. Heero paid for the meal, and somehow they got Duo and the paperwork back out to the car without another unexpected reaction from the silent man. Trowa buckled Duo into the back seat again, told him to take another nap, and climbed into the front seat with a sigh.

Heero turned the key, listening to the engine start up, and pulled out of the restaurant. A minute later they were on the highway, and they could see the mountains off in the distance. "Three and a half hours until we get there," Heero said.

"Wake me when we're getting off the main highway and I'll navigate," Trowa said, stretching out his legs and leaning the seat back a little. "And I wouldn't mind waking up to find out this is all a bad nightmare, and just the result of indigestion from another political conference," he added, a bit sullenly.

"Could be," Heero replied. "I sure had enough of that for six years."

"You're a saint, you know that?" Trowa's head lolled on the headrest as he grinned at Heero.

"Am not." He shifted in the seat, raising an eyebrow at Trowa's expression. "It wasn't an all bad six years," he said quietly. "Just...bad timing." He managed a small smile, remembering those days. "I should've listened to Duo. He warned me I was being an idiot. Shit," he said suddenly. "Forgot." Heero looked in the rearview mirror and frowned. "He's still asleep."

"Don't risk it. Besides, we should probably get used to calling him Jade."

"I can't do that." Heero frowned at the road, unwilling to meet Trowa's eyes. "I can't call our friend...I don't want to consider him then..." He gave up, unable to articulate it. I just can't do it, he thought unhappily. I don't want to mix the two.

Trowa seemed to sense his confusion, because he leaned over to rest a hand on Heero's thigh, a comforting touch. "Call him Maxwell, then. Maxwell is the one we knew. Jade is...this new person."

"Maxwell, then," Heero muttered.

Trowa closed his eyes, amused. "And by the way, I seem to recall that during the war, 'idiot' was usually what you called _him_."

Heero snorted. "He was, most of the time. But he was better suited for peacetime than I am...or you are," he added, shooting his lover an annoyed look. Seeing Trowa's eyes were closed, Heero grunted slightly.

"That's what I don't get," Trowa finally said, opening his eyes and turning to look at Heero. "Of all of us, Du...Maxwell's spent years rolling with the punches. His head's always above water because he doesn't fight it, he just lets the current go."

"Idiot that he is," Heero grumbled. There was a pause, and Heero relented, sighing. "It doesn't make sense to me. I..." No, he told himself, I don't want to go there. Sternly he pushed the memories away, locking them back in their box, and focused on Trowa's words. "If Maxwell was caught by the company he was investigating...I would have expected him to go along, and bide his time, looking for a way out."

Trowa laughed softly. "You're not old enough to be senile, and not educated enough to revise history, my friend. You've let yourself forget just how much of a fight he put up when OZ caught him and Deathscythe during the One Year War. I can't see Maxwell going gently into anything, let alone that good night."

The car was quiet for several minutes, the only sound that of the wheels rolling against the pavement. Heero studied the traffic lightening around them as they sped away from Sanq's main city. Finally he came up with the only response he could muster. "Maxwell is like the ocean," he whispered. "All sound and fury on the surface, but underneath...there was always something lurking. Deep, and cold."

"Poetic," Trowa murmured. "But true." He shifted in the seat, turning his head to stare out the window, and his next question was almost buried under the sounds of the engine and the wheels. "Why did you two never get together? Quatre told me Maxwell had a crush on you..."

Heero shrugged. They'd never discussed it before, although he knew Trowa had sometimes wondered, especially in those months after Duo...disappeared. Even now, he told himself, I can't say dead. Heero glanced in the rearview mirror, seeing Duo's huddled sleeping form. He might as well be dead, now. "That was a long time ago," he said quietly.

"And?"

"Timing," Heero replied, shrugging. "He didn't say anything until my bachelor party..." Trowa chuckled, and Heero shot the taller man a glare. "I'd never drunk before," he said, a little sharply, tempted to roll his eyes at Trowa's smirk. "It wasn't like I knew what to expect."

"Bad timing on his part, to tell you then," Trowa said, his tone serious again.

"Not really...it was more like, confessing. Clearing the slate," Heero said, thoughtful. "It wasn't a bad thing...it was just part of our friendship. Besides, he and Hilde lived together then. Wasn't like he was going to leave her for me..."

"And you were already tied into a wedding with seven hundred guests," Trowa said. Heero glanced over to see Trowa struggling to keep a straight face. "You do look good in monkey suits."

"Shut up," Heero growled, but there was no malice behind the words. "We wanted to elope, but Mrs. Darlian had other ideas." He smiled ruefully. "She had a lot of ideas, actually. We ended up just going along with it."

"Not the way I heard it," Trowa retorted cheerfully. "Quatre said you threw a fit and bolted."

"Gossip-monger," Heero grumbled. "I did not throw a fit. I just declared...a time-out on wedding plans." He shrugged as they took the exit for the east-west highway outside the city. "It was all Maxwell's fault, in the end. He convinced me it was easier to just go along with things."

"Bending is always his style, if there's no other choice," Trowa observed. "Especially if it doesn't really hurt you to go along." They were silent for a moment, and Trowa turned on his side, pillowing his head as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

And if it does hurt, Heero thought, Duo would fight like hell until there's no fight left in him. He glanced in the mirror again, sorrow permeating him, and exhaled slowly, trying to let the despair dissolve along with the miles under the wheels.

It didn't work.

 

 

 

Heero pulled up to the gate, the rusted metal captured in the headlights. It was early dusk, but the shadows under the trees were dark.

"There should be a house off to the left," Trowa reported. "We're to pick up a key."

"I'll come with you...Do you think Jade will be okay, alone?" Heero pulled up the emergency brake and opened the car door with a feeling of relief. His legs just weren't up to long driving, he thought ruefully, remembering the days when he could've run ten miles, piloted for twenty-four, and still taken out a base successfully. Glancing at Trowa, he could tell the other man was thinking the same thing.

Trowa flashed him a grin before opening the back door. "Jade...shhh, shhh, it's okay. We're not there yet. Just sit here and wait. We'll be back shortly." Without waiting for a response, Trowa shut the door again, rolling the window down a little so Duo could get some fresh air. He patted the window softly, and Heero raised an eyebrow at the taller man as he came around the Jeep.

"I feel like I'm leaving an animal in the car," Trowa admitted. "Roll down the windows so it doesn't get too hot, but not too far, so it doesn't jump out." He stopped, turning to face Heero. "I have to tell you...the more I find out, the less I'm sure I can really help."

"I know," Heero said, touching his knuckles to the back of Trowa's hand, the merest touch, and tried to think of a way to explain. Failing that, he could only nod. "I know."

The two men followed the low lanterns set along the walkway, and stepped up onto the porch. Trowa knocked, waited a minute, and raised his hand to knock again just as the door was flung open.

Heero blinked, seeing no one, and then thought to look down. He knew at five-ten, he wasn't a towering height, compared to Trowa's six-two. All the pilots had shot up to five-ten or five-eleven, but Heero had spent too many years thinking of himself as short. The woman in front of him, however, was beyond short, Heero decided. She was _miniature_.

The woman peered at them, frowned, and raised a hand. There was a click, and the porch lights came on. "Wondered why I couldn't see you," she told the two men, then raised her eyebrows, stepping back from the doorway. She was wearing a man's button-up shirt that looked like it had seen better days, and white overalls. Her feet were bare. "I'm Liddie."

"Trowa Barton," Trowa replied, and waved his hand at Heero. "Heero Yuy."

"Nice names," she replied, but her expression remained serious. "Well, come on in. I don't want all the mosquitoes stopping by for a visit, but I'll live with the two hundred I've let in already."

Trowa glanced at Heero, who gave him a nearly imperceptible shrug, and the two stepped into the house. It was hardly a cabin, and looked more like a modern art establishment. The house seemed to be one large room, with high ceilings and broad windows darkening at the day's end to reflect the interior. There were large canvases hanging on the walls, and more leaning in stacks, three or four canvases deep. Heero glanced around, noting that the pictures were all wild abstracts, in deep and vivid colors with hypnotizing patterns hidden in them.

Heero studied the woman as she pointed them to a bright blue loveseat. She was probably only five-feet even, with white hair that was cropped close, curly and trim. Her face was lined with wrinkles, but her eyes were a sharp blue, so pale they were almost gray, and Heero wondered if that was an Une family trait. There was a smudge of yellow paint on her cheek, and more flecks of paint in different colors across her knuckles and under her fingernails. Her wrists were thin, and her fingers long and hooked, like a bird's talons.

"Those're the keys," the woman said, dropping a ribbon into Trowa's lap. "The red one is for the gate. You can leave it open once you're in, but if you leave overnight, I prefer you lock it after you. There's also one for the house, and another for the workshop. Nothing in the barn now, but it was originally a workshop and barn when my grandfather built it." She settled herself in the yellow chair opposite them, and leaned back, her finger on her lips as she contemplated something. She was silent for a minute, then dropped her hand and gave them a mischievous smile. "I understand you work for my great-niece."

"Yes ma'am," Trowa said.

Liddie waved her hand. "Don't call me that. Makes me feel like I'm ninety, and I'm only eighty-three. I still have a few years before you need to ma'am me." She leaned forward, her eyes bright. "So...is Lady still a complete psycho?"

Heero blinked, and Trowa stared before managing to get himself under control enough to answer. "Ah...no. I don't think so," he added lamely.

"Too bad," she retorted. "I highly recommend cultivating senility, myself. That and sheer craziness can get you through a great deal." She slapped her hands lightly on her thighs and stood up, as if she'd come to a decision. "I turned on the water this morning, so you shouldn't have a problem taking a shower tonight. The phone line should be on in a day or two, but you can get cell phone coverage if you go down to the main road. The propane tank was filled this afternoon, which means hot water and the stove should work." Liddie held up a finger. "Notice that I said _should_. It's been about five years since anyone's used that old place, but late August is usually pretty temperate around here. Lady said you might be here through the winter."

The elderly woman got up, heading to a small pantry-kitchen, and sorted through several things on the countertop before turning around. She was holding a small plastic card, and Trowa took it with a puzzled look.

"That's a debit card," Liddie explained. "Instead of charging you rent, Lady and I agreed that we'll pay what you fix to make it habitable, as long as you do the work." She gave them both a sharp glance. "You're young, so I'd guess you can handle it, but there's a lot to be done. Broken windows, roof needs work, wallpaper peeling..." The woman waved a hand dismissively. "Nothing too big. I also took up sheets and blankets, although I think the bed is a lost cause. Rough it tonight and get a new one in the morning." She paused, watching them closely.

"Thanks," Trowa finally said, when it became clear she was waiting for a response. "We appreciate this."

Liddie snorted. "You can appreciate whatever you like. I assure you that I'll get what I want, which is a property that's not falling down. Then I'd have no problem inviting my grandchildren. Until then?" She shrugged, and gave Trowa a teasing smile. "Not letting them stay here, that's for sure. I'd never get any peace." Liddie fixed them both with a stern expression, and pointed them to the door. "Speaking of which, I do require peace. So don't feel you need to be social on my account." Opening the door, she studied them for a long second, and the stern expression melted into a knowing smile. "I don't get the feeling you two are the type to throw a lot of parties."

"What gave you that impression?" Trowa leveled his green eyes at her with just the barest hint of a smile, and Liddie grinned outright at him.

"Good to see we're talking the same language. Oh, and I also left three full hurricane lamps by the front door. The matches are in the metal box by the front door, so you can't miss it. They're right where the light switch would be, if the damn house had electricity." With that, she gave them a half-wave and shut the door softly behind them.

On the porch, Heero turned to Trowa, and a slow smile spread across his face. "Not what I was expecting."

Trowa grinned outright. "So much for that huge housewarming bash I was planning."

Heero shook his head, following Trowa back to the car. Halfway down the path, he stopped, frowning. "Do you hear that?" He couldn't place it, but it sounded like a low moan. It made him think of doves. Mournful, his mind supplied, even as he realized the source. "Duo," he whispered.

Trowa broke into a run, bolting for the Jeep. Heero jogged along behind him, mindful of the uneven slate path. He could barely see Trowa's form by the Jeep, throwing open the back door, and the low moans as Duo nearly fell out of the seat trying to get at Trowa.

"What..." Heero's question trailed off as he came around the Jeep to see Duo, still belted in, clutching at Trowa and sobbing pitifully. He stopped, staring wide-eyed at the sight of Duo...crying. What the hell, Heero thought, bewildered and alarmed.

"Shhh," Trowa was whispering, rocking Duo closely even as he struggled to reach past the crying young man to undo the seatbelt. It clicked, and Trowa carefully pulled Duo the rest of the way out of the Jeep. "Separation anxiety," Trowa said quietly. "I didn't think we were gone long enough," he added, half to Duo, half to himself.

Heero stepped closer, at a loss, watching as Duo's sobs shook his whole body. Trowa hugged the longhaired man closely, whispering as he tucked Duo's head under his chin. "I'm sorry...we didn't abandon you. We will never do that...it's okay, it's okay," he repeated, glancing over Duo's head to hold Heero's gaze.

"Jade..." Heero sighed, stepping forward as Trowa beckoned him closer. Tentatively he put his hand on Duo's shoulder, jerking it back as Duo cringed at the touch. The dark-haired man stepped back, his shoulders slumping as he gave Trowa a defeated look. "That sound he made..."

"I know," Trowa whispered, and a sad smile flickered at the edges of his lips. "At least we know he can make sounds, even if he won't talk."

"Can you...get him into the Jeep?" Heero pulled out the car keys, watching sadly as Duo's sobs died down to sniffles. "I'll unlock the gate." He took the keys Trowa offered, turning away as the taller man coaxed Duo back into the backseat. Soon the gate was opened and swinging out of the way. Heero guided the Jeep slowly down the dirt road, watching the headlights play with the shadows as the sun set behind them.


	4. house of chrysanthemums

A dog is sleeping  
Holding its head between the legs.  
House of chrysanthemums. **  
**_―_ Kyoshi Takahama

 

 

 

The sun was past the trees when Heero pulled up to the cabin. The Jeep's high beams caught the low-slung porch, and the overhanging roof. They could see double windows on either side of the door, and Trowa immediately noted that the porch was solid. It didn't appear to be leaning, although he could make out broken panes in the windows to the right of the door.

He stepped out of the car, turning immediately to open the door for Jade, who hopped out. Trowa was amused to note that while Jade stuck close, he seemed curious and alert. Heero had the trunk opened, and was pulling out the luggage.

"Jade, carry your pillow," Trowa instructed.

Grabbing his own suitcase, the two men followed Heero to the front door. Fumbling slightly with the lock, Heero got the door open. The Jeep's headlights were still on, illuminating the shadowy interior. Trowa was surprised to see Jade move confidently into the dark house, and settle his pillow on the floor over by the fireplace. There was a flare of light, and Trowa turned to see that Heero had managed to light one of the hurricane lamps. He quickly lit the other two, setting them beside the first.

"I'll shut off the Jeep's lights while you look around," Heero suggested.

"Jade," Trowa called, as he lifted the lamp high to look around. "Stay close to me until we make sure it's all safe."

They were in the cabin's main living room, and Trowa wondered if the house were originally a hunting cabin. There were areas on the walls where the wood was lighter, over the built-in shelves on either side of the stone fireplace. Trowa thought the spaces looked about the size for plaques displaying stuffed animal heads, and frowned at the idea. Turning, the lamp threw their shadows across the wall as he took in the rest of the room. The ceiling went up to the rafters, and steep, narrow stairs on his right led to an overhead loft. The rails were suspiciously tilted at a few points, and some spindles missing.

There was a low couch in front of the fireplace, covered with a white sheet, and two more shapes on either side that were probably high-back chairs. A footstool was upside down in the seat of one of the chairs. A table, piled with pillows, blankets, and sheets, sat against the far wall between an archway and a single glass door. Trowa noticed three doors along the stairs wall, the first of which was half-height and tucked under the stairs. He opened it and promptly sneezed at the dust in the little closet. The lamp was taken from his hands, and Trowa smiled his gratitude at Jade for the quick thinking, even as he sneezed a second time.

Opening the second door revealed a small bedroom, and Trowa saw what Liddie had meant. The mattress was more mouse hole than stuffing, and he frowned. Closing that door, he tried the third, which turned out to be a small bathroom. The sink was along the wall, and a large claw-footed tub sat beyond it, with the toilet tucked in at the end. Behind the toilet was a small door in the wall, which Trowa presumed led to the water heater. Motioning to Jade to follow, Trowa turned on the tap, relieved to see water rushing out. Then he leaned over to look at the tub.

"I'll hose myself down in the front yard before I use that," he muttered, mostly to himself. The bottom of the tub was coated in grime and dust, with small footprints from rodents and insects. Water stains and rust ringed the tub, probably from water overflows that had sat, over the years.

Back out in the main room, Trowa took the lamp back and led them both through the open archway into what appeared to be a newer addition. Newer, Trowa thought, wasn't the proper word. If the house itself was nearly two hundred years old, the addition couldn't be less than seventy-five years. Swinging the lamp around, he saw a bright blue phone sitting on the countertop, and smiled to himself. Liddie had mentioned the house had phone service, but without electricity, the vid-phones wouldn't work.

"We're roughing it," Trowa told Jade. He was surprised to realize he was talking out loud, when normally he would say nothing. He presumed it was the discomfort he felt, being with Duo and not having to filter out Duo's constant chatter. Not, Trowa admitted, that Duo really chattered. He just always seemed to have something to say when Trowa would have preferred silence. He sighed and turned in a circle, taking in the kitchen.

There was a sink under the window, on the right, with countertops stretching along the wall. The refrigerator was to his right as he came through the archway, and it was rumbling at a low volume. Frowning, Trowa put his hand on it, feeling it vibrating, and then opened the door. The inside was rusted and filthy, but distinctly colder. He wondered if it ran on propane, and shrugged, closing the door. There was a stove next to the fridge, and a fireplace opposite the entryway. On the wall to his left were two French doors, leading outside. In the last dying light of the sun, he could barely make out the shape of a porch and steps leading down. Trowa recalled the single French door in the living room, to the left of the small table, and realized it probably also led onto the back porch.

"Trowa?" Heero stepped into the kitchen, and looked around with a scowl. "I doubt anyone will deliver pizza out this far."

Trowa flashed him a smile, and set the lamp down on the round table in the middle of the room. One of the chairs creaked dangerously when he pulled it out, and he thought better of it. He studied the room a second time. Jade was by the sink, his hands behind his back as he waited silently.

"We need groceries." Trowa knelt by his luggage and dug around in his suitcase until he came up with his journal. It was an old-fashioned thing to use, but he'd taken to jotting down reminders in it, after the war ended. The original one had been a gift from Duo, and Trowa paused, suddenly heartsick. Steeling himself, he ripped out a blank page from the back, grabbed a pen, and returned to the kitchen. "Jade, I want you to write a shopping list."

Heero didn't say anything, but the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the other spoke volumes. Trowa shook his head, and continued to hold out the list. There was a pause, and Jade slowly shuffled over, the hiking boots thumping against the wooden floor, hampering his normal cat-soft tread. His thin fingers grasped the paper and pen, and Trowa pulled out one of the sturdier looking chairs.

"Sit, Jade, and list everything you want us to buy that you think we'll need."

"Are you purposefully trying to kill us?" Heero's voice was a hiss in the kitchen's darkness. "I've eaten Du―Maxwell's cooking. I never want to experience that again."

"It said on the list that he cooks, and cleans...among other things." Trowa glanced up with a smile, listening to the scratch of pen on paper as Jade meticulously wrote out a list of items. "That little shopping center we passed, when we went through town. Can you find it again?"

Heero crossed his arms. "Yes," he replied sullenly. "And I'm adding something pre-cooked to that list. I lived through the war. I don't plan on dying a slow death from Maxwellian experiments at this point."

"I'll taste-test for you," Trowa said quietly, but his tone was teasing. Closing the distance between them, he placed his hands on Heero's hips and pulled the shorter man towards him, enveloping Heero in a gentle hug. "There's something else...I want you to get a ribbon, too."

"A ribbon," Heero repeated, dubious.

"To replace..." Trowa leaned away from Heero, turning to look at the strip of fabric still tied loosely around Jade's neck. "A simple ribbon will do."

The sound of the pen stopped, followed by a clatter as it was set down on the table. Trowa turned to see Duo slipping from the chair to sink into a kneel, holding the paper up. His right hand cradled the paper, and his left hand was behind his back. Trowa sighed, and stepped away from Heero, taking the list. He handed it to Heero without looking.

"There's household products on here, too," Heero whispered, surprised. He looked up at Trowa, a thin line between his brows.

"Jade," Trowa said suddenly. "Take one of the lamps and go see if the upstairs is habitable. If it is, start carrying the luggage up."

"God damn it," Heero spat, nearly crushing the list in his hand. "He's not a damn servant. Stop ordering him about!"

Jade cringed on the floor, and Trowa set his hand on Jade's head for a second before speaking. "Go on, Jade. I'll be down here." The silent man came to his feet, slipping past Heero to take one of the lamps and head up the stairs. Trowa sighed. "Heero, you have to calm down. What would you have done if it was Maxwell here, instead?"

Heero's answer sounded reluctant. "Told him to find out if the upstairs..." His shoulders slumped.

Trowa nodded, and leaned forward, catching Heero's lips in a quick kiss. "I've wanted to do that all day," he whispered. Before he could pull away, Heero caught him by the shirt and pulled Trowa's head down for a longer kiss.

"And I've wanted to do _that_ all day," Heero said with a shy smile. "I'll head to the store now."

"One other thing. Can you call Quatre and ask him to keep Iffy for a little longer?" Trowa cursed himself for not thinking of the kitten sooner, but figured it was just as well. Quatre's children adored the pest.

Heero nodded, and pulled out his keys, leaning up for one last quick kiss. "Be back soon," he said.

"We'll be here," Trowa told him. Heero didn't look up to see Jade at the top of the stairs, nor did he say anything. Trowa ran a hand through his hair and went to help Jade take the luggage up the stairs.

 

 

 

Heero returned an hour and a half later, by Trowa's estimation. By that time, Jade had inventoried the full kitchen, and pots and pans were everywhere, along with a full set of china for eight. Trowa had taken over the loft, using the broom Jade had found in a corner of the kitchen. There had been a moment of tension, where Trowa suspected Jade was silently protesting not being allowed to do the work himself. Trowa calmly insisted, and Jade bowed a little before following Trowa's directive to investigate the kitchen thoroughly.

When the gravel crunched out front from the Jeep's wheels, Trowa was just laying down the last of the bedding Liddie had left for them. He came down the stairs to greet Heero, and grinned as Heero kicked the door open, his arms full of groceries.

"I hope that fridge works," the Japanese man growled.

"It seems to," Trowa replied, going out to the car to get the rest of the groceries.

Soon the kitchen floor was littered with plastic bags, full of groceries. Jade seemed perfectly happy unloading each and putting items in the fridge, placing others on the countertop. Trowa placed a second lamp on the kitchen table to illuminate the area, and left Jade to his own devices. Heero was in the living room, filling up the three empty hurricane lamps that Trowa had found, and replacing the wicks on one of them.

"Got this," Heero said, pulling a small box from his pocket. He placed it on the table and went back to threading the wick through the lamp's opening. "There's a jewelry store in the shopping center," he added quietly.

Trowa opened the box, curious, and pulled out a small necklace. It was a simple pendant of a silver bar, rectangular and about a half-inch long, with a hole through its back. It was threaded onto a short black silk cord, and Trowa did his best to hide a smile. Resting his hand gently on Heero's shoulder in silent thanks, he headed into the kitchen.

"Jade," he called softly. "I...we...have something for you."

Jade immediately set down what he was doing and scurried to kneel at Trowa's feet. His head was down, but his entire body radiated happiness. Trowa could see Jade's shoulders quivering, and he sighed as he knelt in front of Jade. He was too tired to remind Jade, one more time, to stop kneeling. Carefully he untied the strip of cloth from around Jade's neck.

"Lift up your hair," he whispered, moving around behind Jade. "This is for you, from both of us," he added, as he caught the necklace's latch with his thumbnail, leaning around Jade to place it around the man's neck. Once it was in place, he patted Jade on the shoulder and stood. "That's yours. If you ever are in doubt, that's to let you know..." Trowa's voice cracked, and he couldn't finish the sentence. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself. "Go back to what you were doing. We'll be in the living room."

Heero was sitting on the sofa when Trowa entered the living room, and looked up from the magazine he'd bought.

"I think he likes it," Trowa said, seating himself next to Heero with a sigh. Heero raised his arm, pulling Trowa closer, and Trowa swung his legs around to lay with his head against Heero's chest. "But I don't know..."

"Don't know what?" Heero's breath was soft against Trowa's hair.

"Does he really like anything, now? Or does he like it, and respond..." Trowa closed his eyes, his voice dropping to a whisper. "When I told him I had something for him, I could tell he was...excited. Delighted, maybe. But is he really? Or is it just that this is the way he's supposed to act when his―" Trowa's voice took on a sarcastic note "―Master...gives him something? Could we have beaten him thoroughly, told him it was a reward, and he'd be just as happy?"

"I don't know." Heero shrugged. Trowa could feel the movement against his back. "Maxwell always loved gifts. Getting them, giving them."

They were silent for a moment, listening to the water running in the kitchen. Jade was splashing a little, and it sounded like he was cleaning up. Trowa stirred, turning his head to see into the kitchen. Jade's shadow moved against the far wall, and Trowa lowered his head, closing his eyes.

"Do you think it's safe to light a fire?" Heero's voice was subdued.

"I'd rather have someone come look at it, first." Trowa tilted his head to look at his lover. "You surprised me, buying that for Jade."

"I saw the jewelry store was open, so I stopped in there first."

"And?" Trowa caught the note in Heero's voice, which indicated Heero was trying to drop the subject. Naturally he wasn't going to let that happen. "What made you get that particular pendant?"

"I..." Heero's voice trailed off into a mumble. Trowa bumped him with a shoulder, and Heero looked abashed as he answered. "I called Relena."

Trowa raised an eyebrow.

"She always bought the gifts. I figured she'd know which would look best. So I described the three that seemed most appropriate, and she told me which one." Heero paused, giving Trowa a puzzled look. "You aren't jealous, are you?"

Trowa considered that, and frowned to indicate his disagreement. "Not really. Did you tell her...who it was for?"

Heero sighed and leaned his head on the back of the sofa. "Yeah. The words were out of my mouth...I made her promise not to tell anyone. I only said he was found, and he needs time to recover from the mission."

"And then she helped you pick out a necklace?"

"I said it was a get-well gift."

"Sounds like she took it calmly." Trowa clasped his fingers on his chest, resting as he listened to Jade clattering pots and pans in the kitchen.

Heero snorted. "She informed me she'd go into hysterics once she was off the phone."

"You two were married too long, if she can pull a Yuy."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Heero lowered his head to glare at Trowa.

"Mission mode," Trowa explained equitably. "And deal with the details later."

His lover looked annoyed, but only mildly so. Trowa chuckled and nuzzled the back of his head against Heero's chest, comforted as Heero dropped his arm around Trowa's shoulders and pulled him closer. Heero sniffed, frowned, and sniffed again.

"Do you smell that?"

"Smell..." Trowa paused, and sniffed, then inhaled. "What did you buy? What was on the list, anyway?"

"Scrub brushes, shampoo, lamp oil, candles, red and white wine, among other things." Heero ticked off the list. "And fresh fish, vegetables, meat...along with milk, bread, eggs..."

"I didn't even know Maxwell knew there were four food groups."

"Sure he did. Chocolate, ramen, potato chips, and root-beer floats."

Trowa made a face. "Sounds pretty repulsive when you list it like that." Reluctantly he sat up, ignoring Heero's complaining sound. "I'm going to go see what he's―"

His words were cut short as Jade appeared in the doorway, his eyes downcast as he came around the sofa to kneel a few feet from the sofa. Heero gave Trowa a pointed look.

"Jade, don't kneel on the floor like that." Trowa stood up. "Dinner's ready?"

Jade came to his feet in a single fluid move and led the way back to the dining room. Trowa was startled to see one hurricane lamp was now hanging over the middle of the kitchen table from a hook. Storm candles were set in saucers, casting a soft glow over the table. One bowl contained what Trowa suspected might be steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and a second bowl held saffron rice. A platter in the middle contained two rainbow trout, glistening in butter and laying on a bed of greens. A bottle of white wine sat on the side. The entire dinner smelled heavenly. Trowa turned to Heero with a grin.

"If you want that canned soup, you're welcome to it." He pulled out a chair, tested it for stability, and sat down. "I think I could eat the entire dinner, and the table too, if only it would also taste as good as this dinner smells." Trowa turned to compliment Jade, and frowned. "Jade?"

Heero stepped up to the table, puzzled. "There's only two place settings, Tro."

"Shit," Trowa muttered, finally looking down. Jade was settled next to him, kneeling at his side. There was a plate in front of Jade, but it was empty. Trowa leaned his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. "I can't fucking do this," he muttered.

"You're not doing this alone," Heero replied, quickly stepping forward to rest his hands on Trowa's shoulders. "Jade," he said, louder, looking down. "Put that plate on the table and sit in one of the chairs."

Jade didn't move.

"Trowa," Heero hissed. "Tell him."

"Jade, do it," Trowa ordered, his voice firm.

Jade cringed, but didn't move. His head remained down, his hands behind his back.

"Fuck this," Heero said. Angrily he reached down, catching Jade under the elbows and bodily hauling the silent man to his feet. He yelped as Jade twisted out of his grasp and dropped back down on his knees, huddling closer to Trowa's thigh. "What the fuck?" Heero pointed at the table, fully aware Jade's back was to him, but pushed beyond reason. "Sit!" He shouted, and his fists clenched. "At the table, Jade!"

Heero leaned forward, but froze as Trowa twisted in his seat. "Enough!"

Jade immediately went down into a low bow, his forehead pressed against the floor, his hands behind him. His entire body was shaking. Heero opened his mouth, but Trowa shot him a fierce look.

"Heero, sit down." Trowa sighed, trying to release the frustration before speaking again. Slowly he leaned over, resting his hand on the back of Jade's head, smoothing down the hair with a gentle touch. "Jade, it's okay. You did nothing wrong. Sit up, and have some dinner." He continued murmuring under his breath until Jade sat back up, sniffling a little. "Heero, please, take a seat."

Heero glowered for a second, then settled into the chair opposite and began serving them both. They were silent for a moment as Trowa took Jade's plate. Tasting each dish, he chose the steamed vegetables and rice, skipping the fish as too spicy for Jade's stomach. He ignored Heero's glare and set the plate back down on the floor in front of Jade, resting his hand on Jade's head for a second before filling his own plate.

"I can't believe―"

Trowa cut him off with a look. "He was gone for six months. That's more than enough time to inflict some serious changes." He leaned forward and grabbed the wine bottle and the corkscrew. "In case you hadn't noticed," he nearly snarled, then set the bottle down, exhaling slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm just...as frustrated as you are."

"Then damn it, you shouldn't have―"

"We can't change everything in one day," Trowa snapped, but kept his voice low. He glanced down, watching as Duo carefully picked through the vegetables, eating delicately with his fingers. Trowa shook his head sadly and gave Heero a tight smile. "If we change too much, I think...I'm not sure, but it just seems...he's used to a routine. We've got to pick our battles. One thing at a time."

Heero was silent for a long time, staring at the glass doors, now reflecting the scene back at them.

Trowa, filling their glasses with wine, and at his side, Jade, on his knees, carefully picking through the vegetables. Trowa glanced up as he set the bottle down. "Heero?"

"I know," Heero replied softly. "But I don't have to like it."

Trowa was silent for a second, busy letting the fish melt in his mouth. Swallowing, he took a sip of wine, and tossed Heero a small smile. "About that canned soup...the offer still stands. I'll make sure there're no leftovers. This is excellent, Jade." Trowa dropped his hand to brush his knuckles against Jade's cheek, and sighed a little as Jade promptly rubbed his face against Trowa's hand. "Eat all your vegetables," Trowa told the longhaired man. Sitting back up, he gave Heero a tired look. "I know this is upsetting you."

Heero stabbed at the rice with his fork, and took a bite. He set down his fork and rubbed his forehead for a minute before answering. When he dropped his hand, Trowa could tell Heero had reached a decision of some sort. That familiar glint was in Heero's eyes, indicating he'd settled on a course of action. Trowa wondered how long it would take, this time, before Heero thought to explain his decision.

Six years of marriage hadn't taught Heero much about communication. If anything, it taught Relena how to talk less. Trowa sipped his wine and waited for Heero to introduce the new topic.

"Have you had a chance to look around?" Heero stared around them, at the kitchen. "At least we know the stove works, and the plumbing."

"I think tomorrow we should start with cleaning," Trowa replied, helping himself to more fish. "The bathroom alone is going to be a half-day adventure, I think. And we've got to haul the bed out, too."

"And one of those chairs. It's rotted out." Heero pushed his empty plate away from him, and leaned his cheek on his fist, watching Trowa finish his meal. "I think two of these chairs are probably going to be firewood, too."

"I've counted six broken window panes. And I think the fridge needs work. It's running but it's not cooling too much." Trowa glanced down to make sure Jade had finished the vegetables, and was pleased to see Jade had cleaned his plate. "Jade? Want more?"

Jade leaned back, his hands behind his back.

"Hand me your plate, if you want more. If you're full, go sit on the sofa." Trowa hid a smile as Jade lifted his plate, and Trowa scraped the last of the vegetables and rice onto the plate. He set it back down in front of Jade and returned his attention to Heero, who was scowling at the exchange. Trowa chose to ignore it. "Tomorrow morning, you and I can haul out the furniture while Jade cleans the bathroom?"

"Sounds good," Heero said. "I'll go down to Liddie's and find out if she knows about trash hauling or the local dump."

"While you're at the bottom of the drive, call for a chimney sweep. We'll have them do both."

"We need an axe, general tools..." Heero leaned back in his chair. "That reminds me. I talked to Quatre. I didn't give him any details. I just told him we were on a joint mission. He said he's willing to keep that damn cat for a little longer, but his eldest gets back from summer camp next week."

Trowa nodded. Laylah was allergic, yet loved animals. Having Ifrit around the house was something Quatre would prefer to avoid. Trowa pushed his plate away, and looked down to see Jade still working at his own plate. Trowa sipped the rest of his wine as he thought.

"I think I should put my stuff in storage," he finally said. "I'll call Quatre tomorrow around lunch time. He's got keys to my place. If we get a generator, we can hook up a laptop and use the phone line to connect."

"Good idea. You think Quatre would deal with my place, too? He can get the spare keys from Relena."

"You don't have anything in your place. You never even bought a table to go with your chairs." Trowa set the glass down on the table with a thump. He gave Heero a lazy smile as he reviewed the empty dishes. "So much for leftovers."

Heero stood up, stretching a little, and Trowa stood up as well. Jade scrambled to his feet, and Trowa was pleased to see a little smile on Jade's face as he collected the cleaned plates, and the empty bowls and platter. Jade busied himself setting the dishes in the sink, running the water as he took the glasses and the wine bottle out to the living room. He returned a minute later, blowing out the candles as Heero and Trowa left the kitchen.

"I think we're being dismissed," Heero whispered, but his mood seemed lighter. Trowa draped an arm over Heero's shoulder, and the shorter man yawned. "What are the sleeping arrangements?"

"Nothing with privacy...yet," Trowa promised. "But I'm working on it. Tonight, blankets on the floor."

"I'm too old for that." Heero yawned again. "I'm going to brush my teeth and head to bed, I think."

"I'll wait for Jade," the taller man replied. Seeing Heero's look, Trowa rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure what he'll do if we go to bed without him. I'm half worried he'd kneel in the kitchen waiting for his next order. We've got to get him into a routine."

Heero cocked his head, hearing the splashing in the kitchen, and shrugged. "Sounds like he's setting up his own, already."

"Yeah," Trowa said. "I wonder if..." I wonder if Jade is trying to get us to do what he expects, Trowa wondered, and set the thought aside for daytime contemplation. "Never mind. Just...I'll be up soon."

He was rewarded with a genuine smile, a sweet look that was Heero's alone, and the brush of knuckles against the back of his hand. Trowa replied with a crooked, tired smile, and watched as his lover took up a hurricane lamp and headed up the stairs. Trowa leaned against the back of the sofa, crossing his arms and dropping his chin as he waited for Jade to complete his self-appointed duties. There would be time, he decided, in the daylight, to figure out which routines to change first, and which battles to fight.


	5. a kite floats

A kite floats  
At the place in the sky  
Where it floated yesterday.  
_―_ Buson Yosa

 

 

 

Heero pressed his fingers against his forehead, the heel of his hands against his eyelids, and let the water pour down over him. It wasn't scalding, but hot enough to make him shudder from the intensity. He wanted something physical. Something to point to; something he could attack, encircle, justify, blame: something tangible against which to measure the ache in his chest. Sighing, he turned away from the showerhead, noting distantly that without a shower curtain the bathroom was getting soaked from the spray. He scrubbed his body with efficient, thorough movements. He didn't need to claw at himself to remove filth. There was no point.

The pollution went deeper than that.

 

 

 

The morning had started out reasonably well. The loft was large, but the low ceilings and rafters made it feel strangely enclosing. The casement window at the end of the loft was open. Heero figured that Trowa had opened it wide for a breeze before coming to bed. The screen was ripped, and he stared at it lazily for several long minutes, noting one more thing on the mental list of tasks for the cabin.

Trowa's body was warm beside him, but not so close to trap the late summer heat between them. Only their legs were entwined, and Heero contemplated rolling over and waking his lover up with attention he'd been longing to give. He rolled his head to the side, noting Jade's sleeping blankets several feet away. Any intentions he'd had of sneaking a few moments with Trowa dissipated when he registered that Jade was awake. The young man's breathing wasn't deep enough, and Heero sighed, knowing that Jade wouldn't get up without permission.

"If you need to go to the bathroom, Jade, go ahead and go," he whispered, hoping he was quiet enough to not wake Trowa. A muttering from behind him quickly told him there was little chance of that. Heero rolled over to look at Trowa as Jade got up from his bed and headed downstairs. Trowa's eyes were open, but sleepy, and Heero smiled, kissing him chastely on the lips. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"I've been awake," Trowa replied. "Thinking, mostly."

"About what?"

"You decided something last night. You going to let me in on that?"

Heero frowned, and rolled over on his back to stare at the ceiling. "He's not Maxwell. And he won't be Maxwell anytime soon."

"No."

"I hate it." Heero swallowed hard, reassured when Trowa reached for his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "It's like being in the war again, I think."

"How's that?" Trowa raised himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand.

"One day, one mission, and don't think of the future," Heero replied. "Because there might not be one."

 

 

 

Breakfast was on the table by the time Trowa and Heero roused themselves from bed. To Heero's disappointment, Trowa had fallen back to sleep for another half-hour before awaking to immediately check on Jade. Pushing his frustration away, Heero dug through his bag for clean clothes, pulling out an extra set for Duo. Trowa was already dressed and heading down the stairs, and Heero was startled to hear his lover's raised voice a second later.

Puzzled, he came down the steps, the spare clothes in his hand. He entered the kitchen to find Jade on his knees, his forehead pressed against the wooden floor - and completely naked. Trowa was staring down with bewildered irritation, his hands hanging loose at his sides.

"Jade," Heero said immediately, holding out the clothes. "Put these on."

Jade didn't move, but his shoulders were tense.

"Jade, please, I'd prefer that you remain dressed," Trowa said, his voice under a bit more control. "Take the clothes from Heero and put them on." Slowly the longhaired man sat up, his eyes downcast as he raised his hands. Heero handed him the jeans and shirt, and Jade dressed without moving from the floor. The shackles on his feet chimed with every movement, and Trowa frowned. "We've got to find a way to take those off. I think they're soldered on."

Heero stepped past them to investigate the food on the table. Scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, and he could smell coffee, but wasn't sure where it was coming from. Jade stood up, fidgeting with the shirt for a second before scurrying to pour coffee from one of the pots on the stove. Heero watched, and scratched his head thoughtfully, listening to the bells ring with Jade's every move.

"Are you sure? It's not like if we call his name he's going to shout where he is." Trowa raised an eyebrow, and Heero shrugged. "It's true."

"You put bells on cats to warn the mice," Trowa retorted, filling a plate with eggs and bacon. "You don't put bells on people. Can you break the anklets?"

"Not without the risk of also breaking his ankles," Heero admitted truthfully. "I'll look at them later."

Trowa nodded, setting the plate down in front of one the chairs. Turning to Jade, he pointed, and there was a silent battle of wills for several seconds before Jade hesitantly slid into the chair. Trowa watched, satisfied, and seated himself as well.

Breakfast was silent, except for short discussion about the first goals of the day. When all three were done, Trowa gave Jade the tasks of cleaning the kitchen, followed by the bathroom. Heero and Trowa then began removing furniture from the house, carting it out across the yard to the barn behind the cabin. It took several minutes to get the barn's padlock undone, but finally the wide doors swung open to reveal a large empty space with a dirt floor. Soon the bed, the bedroom dresser, one bedside table, three kitchen chairs and one high-back chair were piled in the barn.

"I'll head down the hill," Trowa announced. "Make a list of what you want shipped from your place, and I'll give it to Quatre. I'm also going to ask Liddie about finding a chimney sweep, so we can have those fireplaces checked out and cleaned."

"Good. What about that cat of yours?"

"I was wondering if there's a way to bring her here." Trowa sighed. "Maybe take a day and go back. Get some more clothes, and the cat. I haven't decided yet." Trowa leaned backwards, wincing as his back cracked. "I'll tell Liddie about the furniture, too."

"See if Quatre will ship our stuff. I can't think of anything I want that won't fit in a box," Heero said. He omitted the fact that what he really wanted had been found in a box. His chest ached, and he tried to concentrate on the day's tasks. "See if Liddie knows where to find the local hardware store. We'll need a full toolbox. We also need screen netting, and replacement panes for the windows, unless we replace the windows altogether. There's a leak in the toilet, too, from what I could tell last night."

"Let's fix, rather than replace," Trowa replied. "While I'm gone, there's something I'd appreciate if you'd do," he said quietly.

"What?"

"Our first battle is yours," Trowa told him.

 

 

 

So it was that Heero found himself, an hour later, contemplating how to go about the task Trowa had set before him. Jade had finished scrubbing the tub, and Heero had been amused, and mildly unsurprised, to see that the majority of the grime appeared to have ended up on Jade.

How like Duo, he thought. He recalled the way his friend would rip apart an engine, completely unaware of the grease coating his fingers, or the engine oil swiped across the bridge of his nose. Duo would laugh if Heero pointed it out, and make some smart comment about becoming one with his work.

Heero sighed and bent his attention to carefully removing the broken glass from the windowpane. When he was finished, he took the plastic bag of glass shards to the kitchen, setting it with the rest of the trash. He didn't expect Trowa back for at least another two hours, and possibly longer. Heero poked his head in the bathroom again, noting that Jade had moved on to cleaning the toilet. Sighing, Heero headed into the bedroom and began sweeping out the corners. Pushing the dirt before him, he swept it through the living room and out the front door, sweeping it all off the porch. He took a minute to lean against the broom, staring out across the small field in front of the cabin. There were no sounds of civilization, only the broad sweeping and creaking of trees swaying in the wind, and a lone jay announcing its territory.

We need a hammock, Heero decided. Smiling to himself, he put the broom in the closet and went to check on Jade again. Now the young man was cleaning the sink, his head bent over as he scrubbed furiously at the water stains ringing the ceramic bowl. Heero leaned against the doorjamb and watched, taking deep breaths through his nose as he centered himself.

"Jade," he said, in a quiet tone. "When you're done, take a shower."

Jade paused, and then nodded once. When Heero backed away from the door, the young man started scrubbing again. Several minutes later, the shower started up, and Heero busied himself folding and sorting the few clothes Trowa had packed for him, cataloguing what he'd need from his apartment. When the water stopped, he headed downstairs, his shoulders squared.

"Jade," he called. The bathroom door was open, and Jade was naked except for the cord around his neck and the silver anklets. He was trying to comb out the tangles in his hair with his fingers. Heero hoped Trowa remembered his parting words about a brush and hair-bands for Jade, as well as towels, a shower curtain, and a bathmat. The room was soaked with splattered water from Jade's shower. Heero stepped forward. "Jade," he repeated, as he sat down on the toilet lid. "Come here."

A slight line appeared between Jade's brows, but he dutifully dropped his hands, approaching Heero. The dark-haired man caught Jade before he started to kneel.

"No, stand right here," Heero said, positioning Jade in front of him. He glanced up, disappointed to see Jade's eyes were almost closed. He couldn't see even a sliver of blue. Heero caught Jade's half-hard cock with his fingertips. Cautiously he turned the ring, his ears and eyes intent on any sign or sound of distress from Jade, but the only reaction seemed to be a soft shudder. Ignoring that, Heero studied the ring, looking for a latch.

"How does this..." Heero's words were cut off as Jade jerked backwards out of his grasp, pasting his back to the wall. The longhaired man's head was down, his wet hair dripping in his face and water still drying on his body as he shook. His hands were flat against the wall, not covering himself but clearly unhappy.

"Jade, I have to take that off," Heero told him. "Come back here."

Jade shifted his weight as if to move forward a step, paused, and pulled back again.

Heero frowned. "Trowa told you to listen to me when he's not around. He wants that gone, and so do I. It's not right. Now come back here," he ordered, a bit more sternly.

Jade's body quivered, and he pressed himself against the wall. His head turned, and Heero could see the silent man's eyes moving under his eyelids, looking for an escape. Heero grunted and stood up, grabbing Jade by the wrist. "No! You're not going anywhere until that comes off." He was startled when Jade twisted out of his grasp and bolted for the door with the sound of bells in his wake. Heero swore under his breath, dashing after the naked man. Jade had landed on his pillow by the back door, and was curled up in a fetal position, his hands over his head.

"Damn it," Heero repeated, striding over and lifting Jade up bodily. The naked man keened and wriggled in his grip, but Heero had a firmer hold, and nearly wrenched Jade's left arm as he tried to hold the longhaired man against him. Spitting out a mouthful of wet hair, Heero managed to get Jade against him, back-to-front, and locked one arm around the still-struggling young man. "Hold still," he ordered. Jade immediately stilled in his hands, but continued to quiver and keen softly.

Heero slowly released Jade's right wrist, and reached around the young man to twist the ring again. He barely had time to block when Jade tried to elbow him. The dark-haired man scowled and grabbed at the wrist, holding his head back as the naked man flailed against him. Jade's struggles twisted them both around until Jade's feet were against the sofa. With a sudden burst of energy the young man pushed backwards, nearly sending Heero sprawling on his back. Heero's response was instinctive.

"Duo!"

The young man cried out at the word, immediately curling up and going limp in Heero's arms. Pushing himself upright, Heero turned them both around until Jade was facing the bathroom door, and there was nothing within reach for Jade to get leverage. Once again Heero slowly released Jade's right arm, nearly sick at the sight of bruises already forming on the pale flesh. Reaching around, he took hold of the ring, and swore again as Jade immediately began moaning, his legs kicking helplessly at the wooden floor, unable to get a purchase. The bells chimed with every move, becoming a cacophony in Heero's ears. He locked his left arm tighter, peering over Jade's shoulder as he tried to figure out the latching system.

"Just a second more, Jade, hold on," he whispered, as his fingers found a small bump in the side of the ring. Pressing it, he was relieved to hear a snap and the ring came off in his hand. He dropped it, and it rolled across the wooden floor with a clatter. Jade responded with a low moan, and Heero flinched, still holding the young man close. With his right hand, he reached up to push the mass of hair out of Jade's face, sighing as he saw tears leaking out from under the other man's eyelids.

"Damn it, damn it," was all he could think to say, clutching the young man close to him, heedless of the wet hair soaking his shirt. "Why do you keep fighting? Why won't you just..." Heero sighed and buried his face in Jade's hair. "Come back to me...you're my best friend." Heero twined his free arm around Jade's chest, his face against Jade's cheek as the young man sat limply in his arms. Jade didn't respond and didn't move. He sighed and released Jade, who immediately grabbed the ring and scrambled the four feet to his pillow, curling up again in the tightest ball he could manage.

Heero remained where he was, and leaned over until the palms of his hands were flat against the floor. He felt short of breath, but not from exertion. Struggling to his knees, he crawled over to the pillow, reaching out with one tentative hand.

"Jade, I'm...I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

The naked man curled even tighter, and Heero pulled back his hand and sat on his heels. Finally he stood up, going to the bathroom and retrieving Jade's clothes. He set them down on the floor next to the pillow, and stared sadly for a long moment at the unmoving young man.

"Put on the clothes," he ordered, his voice cracking as he added, "Jade."

He could see the red marks on the arms that once muscled machinery and tools without breaking a sweat. Heero swayed on his feet as a wave of nausea passed through him. He raised his own hands, staring at them. I did that, he thought, and wondered how soon Trowa would return.

Heero went to take a shower.

 

 

 

He had finished washing the soap out of his hair when the banging started. Heero scowled and shut off the water, grabbing his shirt and using it as a towel. "Trowa?"

"Yeah. What the hell is going on?"

Heero pulled on his jeans, hopping slightly to get into them faster. He yanked the door open, his damp shirt over his shoulder as he buttoned his jeans. "What do you mean?"

"Look!" Trowa stepped out of the way, and pointed. "What the _fuck_ did you do?"

Past him, Heero could see Jade, on the pillow, sitting in that now-familiar spread-kneed position, hands behind his back, and still completely naked. His head was down, but he was holding a long black object between his teeth. It looked about an inch in diameter, and about a foot and a half long. It made Heero think of a policeman's night stick, and he frowned, then noticed the cock ring was laying on the floor in front of Jade. There were tear streaks down Jade's cheeks.

"I took the ring off," Heero replied calmly.

Trowa ran a hand through his hair, took a deep breath, and turned to the silent young man. "Jade, take that...thing out of your mouth, get those clothes, and go upstairs. Now." A muscle flickered in Trowa's jaw when Jade didn't move. "Now, Jade!" There was a rustle and Jade dropped the stick, scrambling for his clothes and practically crawling quickly from the room and up the stairs. Trowa watched him go, and shouted again. "Stay up there until I come get you!" Heero raised an eyebrow, and Trowa shook his head. "The chimney sweep―"

There was a knock at the door, and an older man pushed the door open with a nervous smile. "Mr. Barton?"

"Yes, Jim, please come in," Trowa told him, his demeanor swiftly changing to professional politeness, but his smile was tight. "This is Mr. Yuy. He and I are restoring the cabin."

Heero nodded and pulled on his shirt. He watched as the older man dropped a bundle of plastic sticks and several brushes by the fireplace and began laying a protective sheet around the hearth. If Jim had heard them shouting, he gave no sign of it and within seconds seemed to forget they were watching.

"Heero," Trowa said, with a pointed look towards the upstairs. "Help me unload the Jeep."

Outside, by the Jeep, Trowa didn't open the trunk right away, but leaned against it with his arms crossed. Heero recognized the look, and avoided Trowa's gaze as he explained what had happened when he tried to remove the cock ring. When he finished, Trowa was quiet for a moment.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I guess I should have said something to Jade before I left."

"Yes, you should have." Heero crossed his arms and stared at the trunk of the Jeep, but Trowa didn't take the hint. "You're his Master, Trowa, whether you like it or not. I gather a cock ring has something to do with sex, and if he's supposed to be your sex toy, then removing it would be the last thing he'd want."

Trowa flinched. "But he's wanting something. That's a plus, right?"

"No, he's wanting what he thinks you want."

Trowa was silent for a moment, staring off into the woods. "I...I called a sex shop, in Sanq." He looked amused, and a little embarrassed. "I got the number from information...figured they'd be able to explain how those things work."

Heero raised an eyebrow, noting Trowa's slight flush.

"The guy said a cock ring compresses the flesh, cutting down the blood flow. This means the penis remains half-hard, because only a limited amount of blood can get past the compression," Trowa told him in a low, even voice. "When the penis becomes fully erect, the compression closes off the channel, and the man is unable to ejaculate."

"That doesn't sound pleasant." Heero glared at nothing in particular.

"He said if it's fitted wrong, it can be extremely painful," Trowa commented neutrally. "But if fitted properly, you get used to it, and it's worth it, to prolong your erection."

Heero considered this carefully. "If someone else is controlling the sex act, then a cock ring would be a way to prevent ejaculation without permission?"

Trowa nodded.

"So...Jade didn't want it removed because if he's yours, you should be the one controlling everything." Heero gritted his teeth. " _Everything._ "

"The guy told me that cock rings are to please the recipient, not the person wearing them," Trowa added. "And I think Jade does everything with an eye towards what would please his Master."

"Including candles on the table, and breakfast ready at the right time." Heero shook his head and stared pointedly at the Jeep. "Let's get this stuff inside. Jade's still upstairs, remember."

"Shit, yeah," Trowa replied. He opened the trunk and grabbed the first two bags, his voice returning to its normal volume. "I got everything on the list, and a bunch more. Toilet tissue, for instance."

Heero chuckled and grabbed several of the other bags as Trowa rattled off his report. Liddie had already arranged for a grandson to bring them replacement furniture from a storage area. One of her cousins had died the year before, and the woman's belongings had been stored when none of the children wanted the items. Timothy and his girlfriend would be by in the late afternoon with the first load. From Liddie's, Trowa had gone to the hardware store, a block down from the shopping center. He'd spent a half-hour in the parking lot on the phone with Quatre, who reported that Wufei was back from his trip to L4. The two of them would pack up Heero and Trowa's stuff, and ship the items the two men requested. Quatre was keeping the cat for the time being, and might have one of the Maguanacs deliver it, if he couldn't get away. Trowa had tried to politely dissuade Quatre from visiting personally.

New trashcans were placed in the kitchen and bathroom, and a bathmat was dropped on the wet bathroom floor. Heero put the new towels in the bathroom, and hung the shower curtain, twitching the plastic until it surrounded the claw-footed tub neatly. Meanwhile, Trowa was on the front porch, unwrapping the new tools and dropping them into a red metal toolbox. Jim had finished with the main fireplace, judged it sturdy enough to last another hundred years, and explained that it would require some superficial repair. The kitchen fireplace wasn't as filthy, and Jim figured he'd be done in a half-hour. Heero continued unloading the Jeep while Trowa went upstairs to supervise Jade.

When Trowa didn't reappear within a few minutes, Heero set down the bag of plumbing supplies and headed to the loft. There he found Jade huddled in Trowa's lap, and Trowa appeared upset. Jade still wasn't dressed.

"What happened?" Heero knelt down in front of Trowa, whose arms were wrapped around Jade's slim back. Jade's knees were pressed against Trowa's chest, and he was shaking.

"He keeps trying to get me to put it back on him," Trowa whispered. His green eyes were sorrowful. "I guess this really is the first battle."

Heero sighed, staring at the tangles in Jade's hair. He absently recalled that Trowa had purchased a brush, and decided that would be a task once the three of them were alone in the cabin again. Heero kept his voice low, trying a different tack. "Jade...Jade," he called gently. "Turn around. I want you to listen to me."

Jade didn't move until Trowa removed his arms, and even then Jade only twisted a little so the side of his face was towards Heero. His eyes were downcast, and Heero could see the ring clutched tightly in Jade's left hand.

"Everything you do is to please your Master, right?" Heero waited until Jade nodded, just once, a tentative movement. "And when you make him happy, you're happy?"

Jade nodded again, a little quicker this time.

"And you've been told that your Master is happy when you can't...have an orgasm?"

There was a longer pause this time, before Jade nodded.

Heero sat back on his heels, but kept his voice low. "But what's most important is that you please your Master."

Jade nodded, his knuckles going white as he tightened his grip on the ring.

"It pleases your Master most, if you aren't wearing that ring." A thin line formed between Jade's brows. Heero ignored Trowa's warning look. Keeping his voice gentle, he pressed on. "Your Master is unhappy if you wear that. Your Master is also unhappy if you are naked."

A single tear leaked out from under Jade's eyelashes, and he pulled his knees tighter to his chest.

Heero braced himself and drove the point home. "Do you want your Master to be unhappy?"

Jade closed his eyes tightly and shook his head, the barest movement.

"Good," Heero soothed. "Then drop the ring, and put on your clothes. Do that, and your Master will be happy. That's how you can please him." He pulled his eyes away from the naked man, startled to meet Trowa's blazing expression. Neither said anything as Jade crawled over to his bed and retrieved the clothing, dressing so slowly the anklets barely chimed. When he was done, Trowa sighed.

"Take a nap, Jade." Trowa waited until Jade was curled up in a ball, and turned to Heero. The fury in his green eyes had been replaced by sadness. "Manipulation," he hissed. "Every time we reinforce this whole please-the-Master crap, are we any better than the people that did this to him?"

"It worked," Heero replied hotly, but keeping his voice down. "Isn't that the point?"

"We're treating the symptoms," Trowa observed.

"What the hell are we _supposed_ to treat?"

Trowa was silent for a long minute, before he averted his eyes with a frustrated look. "I don't know." He glanced at Jade's curled body, and sighed, his shoulders slumping. "We have an ax now. I'm going to chop wood." His look clearly said he'd consider Heero potential firewood if he was interrupted.

Heero didn't say anything, listening to Trowa's tread as he left the loft and headed down the stairs. The dark-haired man dropped his head, still feeling the chill of his lover's angry passing. "The blind leading the blind," he muttered, his eyes falling on Jade's sleeping body. Heero stared at the open casement window for several long minutes before heading down to finish unloading the Jeep.

 

 

 

Timothy arrived just as Jim was packing up his truck. Trowa had reappeared after a half-hour, sweating and blistered but calmer. The young man had just come up the steps as Heero stepped to the open door.

"Hey, Gran' said you wanted this junk. I'm Timothy," the young man added with a wide grin, presenting his hand. Heero stared at it for a second, and nodded. Timothy frowned, and then pulled back his hand with a shrug. His brown hair was chopped short, and his bangs flopped in his face in a shorter version of Trowa's style. The young man turned on the porch and waved to the girl waiting by the truck. "Jen, did you get those ropes untied?" Turning back to Heero, he rolled his eyes. "She insisted we tie it all down. We've got a bed frame, a table, and four chairs. And a mattress, but I don't know if it's any good."

Heero nodded and followed the young man out to the car. Trowa had finished paying Jim, and gone to help the girl get the knots undone. The silence was filled with Timothy's chatter for the next twenty minutes as the four people got the bed frame into the small bedroom, and set it up after some discussion. Jen brought in the slats while Heero knocked the last support beam into place. The box spring and mattress went next, and it wasn't long before the truck was unloaded completely. Trowa gave Timothy a quick tour of the downstairs, and pointed out several more items that would probably need to be replaced. The young man promised to come back the following day, and soon he and his girlfriend were gone with a blast of some atrocious music and a squeal of truck tires on gravel.

"I think I need another shower," Heero said quietly.

"I have first dibs." Trowa stared towards the kitchen with narrowed eyes. "I looked at generators, and I think we should get one tomorrow. We can set it up in the barn, so the noise won't be as loud, and run a cord from there to the kitchen. The phone line should be acting by tomorrow morning. Then we can recharge your laptop and find a dialup to the nearest net server."

Heero nodded. The chances were probably slim that the local library would have information on rehabilitating Jade. The 'net was their best bet, and the sooner they could log in, the sooner they'd have a better idea of what to do. "I'll start dinner, since we missed lunch. Afterwards, do you want to try getting Jade's hair untangled?"

"Sounds good. And Heero..." Trowa paused, and then leaned forward to place gentle lips against Heero's own. "I know it's hard, not having any time for just the two of us. I don't―"

"It's okay," Heero replied, cutting off Trowa's words with a longer kiss. His body ached for Trowa's touch after a week's separation, but he pushed the longing away. He smiled ruefully as he pulled away. "It's hard to believe yesterday morning I woke up thinking the only thing we'd do when you got back was order out and stay in bed."

Trowa grinned. "I think we should have Jade sleep in the loft, and we'll take the bedroom. At least then we'll have some privacy."

Heero flashed him a pleased smile, and went to make dinner.


	6. under the moon

Petals of chrysanthemum  
Curve in their whiteness  
Under the moon.  
_―_ Hisajo Sugita

 

 

 

When Trowa got out of the shower, Heero had dinner on the table, and was calling Jade down to eat. Trowa flashed his lover a grateful smile, noting the warmed Italian bread and simple pasta dish, with a salad on the side. Heero joined him in the kitchen, and Jade seemed startled by the dinner already prepared.

"Jade, sit down," Trowa said automatically, pulling out a chair and steering the silent man into it. "Serve yourself."

Heero sat down opposite, pouring them water as Trowa waited for Jade to move. "Tro, he's in the chair. One thing at a time," Heero finally said. Trowa's brows went down, but he nodded silently and fixed a plate for Jade, who ignored the utensils to eat delicately with his fingers.

Trowa sighed and filled his own plate, taking several minutes to eat in silence.

"During the war..." Heero began, and then paused, setting down his fork. "Cathy found you. You didn't know her, though." The statement was flat, as though Heero knew the answer.

"She knew my name," Trowa replied. "I mean, I didn't, but she did. I guess that seemed to matter."

"Ah." Heero was silent for several heartbeats. "Did you feel safe with her?"

"Safe?" Trowa shrugged, a slight movement. "I'm not sure that word is the right one."

"Was there anything she said or did, that helped?"

Trowa took another bite and chewed slowly as he thought about it. He'd not really contemplated the war in years, and certainly had never found reason to dwell on the long months of darkness before his memory came back. Sorting through the recollections, he pushed away the memory of the cold, and deep space, and focused on the first week or two after Cathy had found him wandering in the rain. "Food," he finally said. "She made me soup. I remember that."

Heero chuckled, unexpectedly. "That would jar anyone."

"It didn't bring my memory back, if that's what you mean," Trowa said, amused. "But I do recall feeling more safe, when she cooked for me." He took a sip of water, glancing over the rim of the glass at Jade, still picking methodically through the pasta sauce. "Are you saying that if we do all the cooking, it'll help Jade?"

"No, I'm saying that we need to give him the food that he used to like." Heero shrugged and helped himself to more pasta. "I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot."

Trowa nodded, and the two were silent for the rest of dinner. When they finished, Trowa gave Jade permission to stand, and the longhaired man immediately began clearing the table. Trowa watched, dismayed, and Heero jerked his head towards the living room. Trowa nodded, standing, and followed Heero out of the kitchen.

"I'll start a fire," Heero told him. "If you want to get Jade in here, we can do something about his hair."

"I know what you're doing," Trowa said quietly, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You and your plans of action."

Heero shot him a disgruntled look and grumbled, "am I really that predictable?"

"Yeah. Old age, set in your ways..."

"Twenty-six is not old age." Heero made a face and left the cabin.

Trowa grinned to himself and went to check on Jade. Most of the dishes were done. "Jade, leave those until later. I've got something for you."

Jade twisted in his spot, then immediately launched himself over to kneel at Trowa's feet, his entire body quivering. There was a small delighted smile on his face, and his chin was raised a little higher than usual, although his eyes were still downcast. Trowa couldn't help but smile, seeing shades of Maxwell's love of gifts lurking under Jade's silent skin.

"Come with me," he whispered, and didn't wait for Jade to rise, but headed to the living room, where he sat on the sofa, the brush and a hair band resting on the arm. The chime of the bells announced Jade's movement, and the young man hovered at Trowa's feet, uncertain. Trowa reached out, grabbing Jade's wrist loosely. "Turn around and have a seat."

Jade hesitated, then slowly turned around as Trowa guided him to sit on the sofa, between Trowa's knees. The front door came open, and Heero stomped in with a load of firewood. He raised an eyebrow at Trowa, who waved the brush at him, and Heero nodded with a smile. It took Trowa nearly fifteen minutes to undo two days of neglect on Jade's hair, while Heero busied himself setting up the fire and getting it going.

"I think you're putting him to sleep," Heero murmured, coming to sit on the sofa beside Trowa.

"I'm stalling," Trowa admitted. "I'm not sure how to braid hair."

"Jade, turn a little," Heero said, placing his hand on Jade's shoulder and guiding the young man to twist halfway around in his spot. Heero carefully divided the hair into three sections. "Maxwell didn't like people seeing his hair down, so I've only seen him braid it a few times," he explained to Trowa as he struggled to remember how Duo's hands had moved. "I think it goes something like this..." He caught the ends in his hands, and held up the braid for Trowa to see.

"That's the messiest looking braid I've ever seen," Trowa commented dryly.

"I don't see you doing it."

"You're the one who roomed with him at school. Thought you'd be more observant."

"I roomed with a sneaky bastard who protected his privacy like it was the secret to turning Gundamian into gold," Heero retorted. "He'd ask twenty questions, I'd answer ten in hopes he'd shut up, and afterwards I'd realize he'd never offered anything about himself. Maxwell talked a lot and rarely said anything."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, watching Heero's expression soften into a nostalgic melancholy. Something spasmed inside Trowa, but he did his best to ignore it. Taking the end of Jade's braid from Heero, Trowa wrapped the band around the end, snapping it into place. He let the braid drop onto Jade's back, and the young man didn't move for several seconds. When he did, it was in an explosive action.

Jade shrieked, coming to his feet and twisting around as he clawed at the braid. He backed blindly into the chair, his screams high-pitched and feverish, still twisting as though trying to attack the braid. His slim fingers pulled at the band, and yanked at his hair.

Trowa was on his feet instantly, seizing Jade's wrists. Heero leapt over the coffee table, getting behind Jade, wrapping his arms around Jade's chest.

"Jade! Jade!" Trowa shouted, and grunted at the effort of holding Jade's hands away from his scalp. "Fuck, Heero, he's―" Trowa couldn't finish the words, half-stunned by the strength hiding in Jade's body, and wincing from Jade's shrieking.

"Damn it, undo the braid!" Heero twisted Jade around, yanking him out of Trowa's grasp. He locked his arms around Jade's upper body as the shrieking young man twisted and wriggled in his grasp. Trowa furiously struggled to undo the braid, tugging harshly at points in his anxiety, and finally dropped his hands with a defeated look.

"It's out," he announced, and ran a hand down Jade's head. "Jade, it's gone," he whispered.

Jade moaned loudly and collapsed, nearly taking Heero with him as he began sobbing loudly. Heero went down to his knees, and Trowa knelt down to embrace Jade as well. The two men huddled over the third as the longhaired man cried in huge gasps of air between them.

"That was unexpected," Heero said, over Jade's head.

"No shit," Trowa replied, wincing as Jade's sobs started up again. "Maxwell's been wearing a braid for as long as we've known him. I don't understand why..."

"It should have been soup." Heero leaned his head against Jade's and sighed, his eyes closing. "But no soup."

"We need to find soup," Trowa agreed. Jade's sobs died down to sniffles.

Heero opened his eyes, and his lips quirked up at the edge, a crooked half-smile. "We're ignoring the best source of information," he said. Leaning back, he looked down at Jade, the tear-streaked face, and the red-ringed eyelids, and ran his thumb under Jade's eyes, wiping the last of the tears. "Jade, sit down on the sofa. We want to talk to you."

Trowa raised his eyebrows, puzzled, but followed Heero's directions until the three of them were on the sofa again, with Jade ensconced between them. The longhaired man kept fingering his hair, tugging a little at it as he hunched over. Every now and then he'd hiccup, and wipe his nose with the back of his hand. Heero sat with his back against the sofa arm, one leg pulled up under him, and Trowa mimicked the position on the other end.

"What are you planning?" Trowa looked at Heero's determined expression. "He won't talk."

"He can still communicate," Heero replied evenly. "Jade, when you are scared, is there a place you feel safe?"

There was a pause, and Jade nodded emphatically.

Heero looked surprised, and Trowa cocked his head at the silent man. "Jade," Trowa asked softly. "Where do you feel safe?"

Jade made a little motion with his hands.

"Yes or no questions," Heero reminded Trowa. "Jade, are there several places you feel safe?"

Jade nodded.

"Show us."

Jade slowly raised his arm to point past them. Trowa nodded. "The pillow." Jade then turned towards Trowa, raising his hand but not quite pointing. It was more of a half-hearted reach, without touching. Trowa raised his hand and caught Jade's fingers in his grasp, squeezing gently. "And me," he added sadly. "Anywhere else?" Jade's fingers tightened in his grasp, and Trowa realized he was holding his breath. Very slowly, Jade nodded, and made a little motion in Heero's direction. Trowa glanced up to see Heero had noted the movement.

"When you do something bad, do you expect to be punished?" Heero's question was gentle, but firm.

Jade nodded immediately, several times.

"Do you have an idea of what these punishments are supposed to be?" Heero lowered his eyebrows at Trowa, staving off his protest. "Jade? Do you?"

Jade made a little shrugging motion, and dropped his head.

"Thought so," Heero murmured. Seeing Trowa's look, he made a rueful face. "The punishments should vary each time. And sometimes, they should come unexpectedly, just to reinforce that they can happen without warning, at the whim of the Master."

Trowa narrowed his eyes at the knowing tone in Heero's voice. "How do you..." He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Dr. J." Heero's deep blue eyes were steady. "I was trained."

Trowa felt the room swim a little, and shook his head. "Yes, but trained as in―"

"As in wiped of human emotion," Heero replied.

"You're not devoid of emotion."

"Which is why I believe that somewhere under Jade, we can find Maxwell." Heero studied the silent man between them. "We just have to know where to look, and the right things to say or do." He paused, and reached out for Jade's other hand, and the silent man flinched, then relaxed as Heero simply rubbed his thumb over the back of Jade's hand. "When you do something right, were you taught that you would be rewarded?"

Jade didn't move for a heartbeat, then nodded once.

"Did you do something right, yesterday?"

Jade's brows went down, the furrow marring his expression. Finally he nodded, several times.

"Dinner?"

A nod.

"Cleaning the kitchen?"

Another nod.

"Organizing the kitchen?"

Jade nodded again.

"Did you get rewarded for any of this?"

There was a long pause, and Jade didn't move. Instead, he started to shiver. Trowa frowned, and looked over to see Heero opening his mouth for another question.

"Don't," Trowa hissed. "I can tell you already the answer is no."

Heero blinked.

Trowa ran his free hand over Jade's head, and down to cup Jade's chin. The silent man turned his head, nuzzling the open hand with his cheek, and Trowa could see a small smile appear on Jade's lips. "We don't train the big cats by beating them constantly," Trowa explained, irritation creeping into his voice. "We reward them lavishly. I've been trying so hard to not see Jade as...a voiceless, mindless pet...that I forgot that what I know still applies."

"Rewards aren't common in training," Heero retorted, but his voice was uncertain. "I don't recall..." He turned his head to stare at the fire, rather than finish the sentence.

"When you did something right, weren't you rewarded?"

Heero dropped his eyes. "Sure," he said, without a trace of irony. "I wasn't beaten."

Trowa grimaced. "Cessation of negative reinforcement is not the same as positive reinforcement," he said, but without rancor. "There have to be rewards. Negative reinforcement alone doesn't work. You broke past your training plenty of times, during both wars."

Heero grunted assent, his thumb still smoothing small circles on the back of Jade's hand. Trowa cocked his head at Jade, and considered his next question. "Jade...is food a reward?"

Jade nodded, once.

"Is physical touch?"

The silent man nodded a second time.

"What about sexual attention?" Trowa ignored Heero's sudden sharp glance, and focused on Jade.

Jade flushed slightly, dropping his head even further as he nodded again. He was starting to quiver, a sign that Trowa was figuring out meant anticipation. Trowa closed his eyes tightly, took a deep breath, and opened them to see Heero glaring at him.

"I am not having sex with something that has no free will," Heero ground out.

"I didn't say you had to," Trowa replied.

"Don't tell me you're considering it!"

"I didn't say that either." Trowa closed his eyes again, unwilling to match Heero's icy expression. "We have to find a substitute for sex."

"Substitute?"

"Something that involves physical touch," Trowa explained patiently. "But it's got to be connected to doing something right."

Heero frowned. "I don't know I like that."

Trowa raised an eyebrow as he glanced at Heero, and then went back to studying Jade's face.

"It's...too mercenary," Heero said quietly. "It's like saying, if you do something right, that pleases me, then I'll reward you. You told me yourself that makes us no better than the people who did this to Jade."

"Do you remember our discussion after you woke up, during the war?" Trowa waited until Heero's face indicated agreement, and continued. "I told you that you could walk away. No more orders. And yet..."

"I went back," Heero replied softly, his voice low enough to be speaking only to himself. "I didn't know anything else."

"Exactly. The cats I've trained...when they're used to a routine, they'll do everything they can to continue that. If you change it too fast, it only unbalances them."

"Your point?"

"Jade has been trained that pleasing his Master is the greatest reward..." Trowa paused, reflecting on his conclusions. "And physical touch is the best of those rewards. So we just need..." Suddenly he stopped, an idea occurring to him, and he couldn't help but smile. "Jade? Do you know how to give a backrub?"

There was silence for a moment, and then Jade nodded enthusiastically. Heero snorted, and Trowa grinned outright.

"Good, because my back is killing me after chopping that wood." Trowa glanced at Heero. "And while I love your touch, you are hell on muscles."

"That's the way I was taught to relieve muscle strains."

"Tenderizing works on meat. I am not a slab of steak to be slammed into submission." He winced at the involuntary double meaning, and received a sympathetic glance from Heero. Trowa shook his head and focused on Jade. "I have an idea, Jade. I'm going to braid your hair, and if you can keep it in for three minutes, then there's a backrub as a treat."

Heero frowned. "You're giving him one, or he gives you one?"

Trowa shrugged. "It's up to Jade. It's his reward."

"Giving you a backrub doesn't sound like a reward to me." The fire cracked, and a log fell over in the fireplace, punctuating Heero's petulant tone.

Trowa raised an eyebrow, sensing a thread of jealousy through the words. "Don't worry. Either way, I promise to be putty in your paws later."

"Good."

Heero stood up and headed to the fireplace to add more wood, as Jade slowly turned to present his back to Trowa. The silent man's head was down, and his hands were white-knuckled on the sofa cushion as Trowa attempted to duplicate the motions he'd observed Heero follow in creating the braid.

"Start timing," Trowa said.

Heero nodded and glanced down at his watch, as Trowa ran his hands up and down Jade's arms.

"Shh, Jade, it's okay," he whispered in Jade's ear. "We're right here. Nothing bad is going to happen to you." The young man began making a soft keening sound under his voice, and his hands clutched convulsively at the cushions. "Relax, Jade, relax," Trowa urged gently. "Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing," he coaxed, watching as Jade attempted to follow his directions.

"One minute," Heero said.

Trowa nodded and continued running his hands up and down Jade's arms. The keening grew louder as Jade began to shake. "Just a little longer, Jade, you can do this..." Jade gave a great shudder and exhaled roughly, but his hands remained down. His entire body was taut, and Trowa winced at the muscles, hard from tension, shaking under his palms. "Breathe, Jade, breathe," he repeated.

"Two minutes."

"You're doing really well," Trowa whispered, his voice dropping to barely above a breath. "I'm so proud of you," he said, watching as Jade seemed to quiver at the phrase. Trowa repeated it, never stopping his motion of running his palms up and down Jade's arms. "Only a little more," he said, wincing as Jade began to sob helplessly, his fingers splayed against the sofa, his body hunched over and shaking.

"Three minutes," Heero reported.

Trowa quickly and efficiently undid the braid, unsurprised as Jade twisted in place to collapse against him, sobbing loudly. He sighed and leaned back in the corner of the sofa, shifting Jade until their legs were entwined on the sofa. Heero sat back on his heels by the fire, watching as Trowa began running his hands up and down Jade's back, still whispering in his ear.

Finally, Trowa pulled away, pushing Jade to an upright position. Trowa pulled up his shirt, wiping the longhaired man's face with the hem. "Now, Jade, it's your choice. What do you want? You can decide."

Trowa watched as Jade's head tilted to the side, his mouth open a little. He hiccupped once more, and then licked his lips as if coming to a decision. Trowa smiled encouragingly, as Jade leaned forward. His next thoughts were less pleased, however, when Jade's lips came in contact with his, and a tongue poked at his lips, trying to get into his mouth. Trowa's eyes shot wide open, and it took him a second to keep from throwing Jade backwards on the sofa. Blinking at Heero's equally stunned reaction that was swiftly changing to fury, Trowa gently pulled his head back at the same time he pried Jade off him.

"Jade," Trowa choked out, steadily ignoring Heero's livid expression. "I...that wasn't on the list." He sighed, and sat up a little better, as Jade slumped and curled in on himself. "No, Jade, you didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't clear enough. Jade...the only person I want to kiss is Heero. Is that clear?"

Slowly Jade nodded, pulling back in on himself even farther. When Trowa reached for him, Jade cringed.

"It's okay," Trowa whispered. "That wasn't your mistake. It was mine. Now, turn around and lie down. I'll give you a backrub, instead. Is that good? Would you like that?"

Jade seemed to hover on the edge of agreeing, his fingers tightening and loosening against the sofa cushion by his knees. His head was down, and he chewed at his lips. Trowa was pleased to see the indecisiveness, because at least that meant Jade was thinking, rather than just following set rules.

At least, he thought, I hope that's what it means.

"He's trying to figure out what will please you the most," Heero said quietly. His anger had banked itself, and he sat on the hearth, his back to the fire as he studied Jade's forlorn figure. "I'll go get the blankets from upstairs, and we can put him on the sofa until we get a second bed for him."

Twenty minutes later, Heero was sitting in one of the chairs, his feet on the coffee table as he watched Trowa crouched over Jade, patiently working at the shorter man's shoulders. Trowa glanced up to see Heero's eyes on him, and smiled before ducking his head to concentrate on Jade's muscles. Jade's reticence had quickly melted into willingness, and now Jade was breathing peacefully, with soft moans as Trowa dug patiently at the more difficult knots. Trowa sat back on his haunches, keeping his weight off Jade, and moved backwards until he was straddling Jade's knees. Leaning over to dip his fingers in the bowl of oil, Trowa noticed Heero was staring at the empty shelves. When he caught Heero's eyes again, he jerked his head towards the shelves and raised an eyebrow.

Heero smiled, knowing what Trowa meant. "I was wondering how much it'd cost to ship your books here."

"All of them?" Trowa sat back and shook out his hands. Jade stirred under him, and he immediately dropped a hand to the small of Jade's back with a reassuring pat. Jade quieted, and Trowa smiled at Heero. "It might be cheaper just to buy more books."

"If we're going to be here awhile, we might as well have something to read," Heero said. "And we need a hammock."

"A hammock." Trowa paused over Jade and gave Heero a surprised look. "What brought that on?"

Heero shrugged. "I just think we need one. Before it gets too cold," he added with a sly smile. "I hear they're good for being lazy."

"I didn't know you even knew that word existed."

"Even I have room for improvement."

Trowa rolled his eyes and got off the sofa. "Jade, you'll sleep here until we get you a bed." Carefully he pulled the blanket down from the back of the sofa and covered Jade, tucking the blanket in and pulling Jade's hair gently out of the way. Trowa picked up one of the hurricane lamps. Heero turned the knob on the second one, and followed Trowa to the bedroom.

 

 

 

Trowa stripped off his shirt, tossing it over the bedpost, undid his jeans, and sat on the edge of the bed as he pulled them off. Heero entered behind him, shutting the door softly. Trowa counted silently, and smiled as Heero took the shirt and stuffed it into a spare pillowcase without saying a word.

A designated dirty clothes hamper, already. Trowa was amused despite his exhaustion. He folded his jeans and tossed them onto the wooden chair by the window and crawled under the covers. A rustle of fabric and soon Heero had slid in next to him, rolling on his side, his head propped up on his fist.

"Heero..." Trowa slowly closed his eyes, trying to forget what he wanted to say. He could feel the heat of Heero's body alongside his, and the touch of Heero's hand on his ribcage, slowly sliding up to rest on his shoulder. "I owe you an apology," he said, and sighed. "I've...not really been very forgiving or patient with you." He turned his head to stare at his lover, and wondered if he looked as lost as he felt. "I don't mean to blame this on you...but I'm used to you knowing what to do." He attempted a smile, and failed.

Heero brushed Trowa's bangs out of his face, and nodded.

"It's frightening, to see you so lost," Trowa confessed. He took a deep breath to fight off the ache in his chest. "And I feel like I'm intruding, every time he reacts like I'm the center of his universe. Like it's adding insult to injury for you. It makes me angry, and frustrated. I want to fix it. I can't."

"I understand," Heero said gently. "I'm sorry I kept losing my temper with...Jade. I put you on the spot each time."

Trowa's voice dropped to barely audible as he forced out the words. "It was hard enough competing with his ghost. It's harder when the ghost is right in front of me."

"You never had to compete," Heero chided, a slight line between his brows. "He's my friend. You're my lover. There's a difference."

"I know, in my head. My heart isn't doing so well right now." Trowa closed his eyes.

Heero was quiet for several minutes, and his hand slipped off Trowa's shoulder. The skin burned in the absence, and Trowa could feel tears slowly gathering in the corners of his eyes. Heero sighed next to him, and the bed sheets rustled as Heero changed position. "You can feel that way, but I'll keep telling you there's no reason."

Trowa contemplated several answers before nodding. "Just remind me often," he whispered.

"I will." Heero's gentle tone was tempered with amusement. He moved again next to Trowa, and drew in breath through his teeth. A finger touched Trowa's temple, where a tear had run its course. "Trowa? What's―"

"I don't know," Trowa whispered. "I feel like I'm off balance and there's no safety net this time." He felt another tear run down the side of his face. He ignored it. "I can handle...animals," he added in a miserable tone. "But to really train and teach the big cats...you have to love them." He turned watery eyes on Heero. "And I've never loved Duo."

Heero raised an eyebrow. "You told me once that you cried when you destroyed Deathscythe."

Trowa's answer was barely a sigh: "yes."

"Why?"

"I suppose...I knew what it meant to him. I knew what it would do to me, if someone had destroyed Heavyarms. And I knew Du―Maxwell would be...I knew Deathscythe _mattered_ to him. More than anything."

"Empathy, Quatre told me once, is a cruel thing." Heero drew his finger down Trowa's nose, tracing his lips, and then his jaw. "I know you're fond of him, at least."

Trowa snorted despite himself. "Don't blame me for that. Maxwell gets under your skin. No two ways about it."

"I'm not asking you to love him," Heero whispered, his voice sad. "I'm just asking you to let me...and help me...love him. And to not see that love as detracting in any way for what I feel for you. Loving him is necessary. That's what my gut is telling me it's going to take, to get him back."

Trowa nodded, turning to face Heero with a crooked smile. "I can do that," he replied.

"And I owe you an apology, too. I wasn't the biggest help yesterday, or today, I think. The shock...I hate feeling helpless," Heero added, a little viciously.

"You'll be fine once you have a plan," Trowa murmured. A second later there were lips on his. He drew his head away from the kiss, staring into Heero's eyes, shadowed in the darkness. "You're probably as tired as I am. You don't..."

"Trowa."

Trowa frowned. "What?"

"You talk too much."

 

 

 

Trowa sighed, a sleepy smile on his face, and stretched lazily as Heero got up from the bed. He could hear the other man's faint curse as he bumped into something in the bathroom. A few minutes later Heero returned with a towel, and draped it across Trowa's midsection.

"Next time, you do the honors," Heero complained, crawling back under the sheets.

Trowa grinned, finished wiping himself, and threw the towel on the floor. "Notice, Yuy, there is an object on the floor," he announced in a sated tone. "And I am not getting up to put it in the dirty clothes pile." He could feel Heero shift beside him, and immediately reached out, latching onto Heero's wrist with a practiced move. "And you're staying put."

Heero grunted, but only moved closer, throwing one leg over Trowa. His hand came to rest lightly on Trowa's hip, as he curled on his side facing Trowa. The moonlight through the window shone down on Heero's face, and Trowa watched his lover's expression melt into a pleased, relaxed smile.

Trowa lay there for a while, listening to Heero's breathing even off into the beginning of sleep. Trowa frowned, and slowly sat up, careful not to disturb Heero. He listened closely. Next to him, Heero stirred.

"What is it," Heero mumbled, rubbing his face against the pillow.

"Jade," Trowa whispered. "I just want to make sure he's okay."

Heero opened his eyes, and gave a deep sigh. "Stay here. I'll go make sure he's okay."

"You don't have to," Trowa replied, amused.

"I got up once. Not like I'll get any rest, now that you've mentioned it." Heero rolled over, pushing the bed sheets off him as he got to his feet. He disappeared into the dark living room, and was back in a second. "He's not on the sofa."

"Upstairs?" Trowa scooted across the bed, getting off on Heero's side as he dashed into the dark living room. The last of the embers were dying, barely lighting the empty sofa, and the rumpled blankets. Baffled, Trowa looked around the living room, trying to figure out what he was missing.

"Not up here," Heero reported anxiously as he came quickly down the steps. "I'll check the porch."

"Kitchen," Trowa acknowledged, making a circuit around the kitchen table. He even checked under the table and in the bathroom, for good measure. Heero met him at the bedroom door.

"Not on the porch."

"Fuck," Trowa whispered. "Okay. Get dressed, and get the lanterns lit, and I guess we go looking."

"What the hell would prompt him to run away?" Heero shook his head, leading the way into the bedroom. A second later there was a thump and Heero cursed. "Shit! I just...what the―"

"What?" Trowa stepped forward, looking over his lover's shoulder. There, on the floor at the foot of the bed, lay Jade, curled up, naked, on his pillow. Trowa kneeled down to look, and realized in the moonlight that Jade was smiling. Trowa sat back on his haunches and looked up at Heero with a bemused expression. "He's sound asleep."

Heero leaned against the bedpost and ran a hand through his mussed hair. "What the hell..."

"Wants to be near us, I suppose." Trowa stood up. "I guess we should cover him."

"I'll get the blanket from the sofa." Soon Heero was back, and they laid the blanket gently across Jade's sleeping form. Then the two men returned to bed, trying to relax from the sudden adrenaline burst. The room was silent, until Trowa started chuckling softly.

"What's so funny?" Heero's voice was heavy with sleep, and mildly grouchy.

"You," Trowa replied amiably. "I just had a vision of you, stark naked, out on the porch. Moon-bathing."

"You should talk. I saw you check under the kitchen table." Heero poked Trowa in the hip. "Now be quiet. I'm trying to get back to the post-coital bliss I was feeling before you so rudely kicked me out of bed and made me get a towel."

"Heero?"

"Hm?"

"You talk too much."


	7. mountain home

Prayer beads dangling  
A harvest moon prayer...  
Mountain home  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero slipped from the bed at dawn, grabbing his jeans and a long-sleeved shirt from the open suitcase before heading into the living room. He was surprised at the slight chill in the air, and shoved his bare feet into his boots before pushing the front door open. Returning as quietly as he could manage, he set a stack of firewood by the fireplace, and soon had a small fire warming up the main room. Stirring it with a poker, he sat back on his haunches and looked around.

Coffee, he decided.

It took a few minutes to figure out the system Jade had set up for making coffee in a simple pot, but eventually he had a reasonably adequate coffee. Pouring himself a mug, and only splattering a little on the countertop, Heero took his mug to the two French doors looking out on the back porch. He pushed the doors open to the morning air.

 

 

 

Nearly an hour passed before Heero heard anyone stirring in the house. He'd settled himself on the porch, his back against one of the posts, seated sideways with his legs stretched out along the edge. He'd considered sitting in one of the rocking chairs, but decided against it, not trusting the look of rotting wood. At the sound of footsteps in the kitchen, Heero looked up from the papers in his hands, and set down the pen as Trowa stepped outside. Behind him, Jade was already fussing with the pot of coffee. Heero looked up as Trowa bent down to give him a kiss.

"Making lists," Trowa observed, crouching down next to Heero. He fingered the edge of one sheet and gave his lover a curious glance.

"This list is everything I want sent from my apartment," Heero explained, setting one sheet aside. "This is a list of things we need to do around here that one person can do, and this is a list of two-person tasks."

Trowa looked over the list, not noticing at first when Jade knelt next to them, his head down, and a cup of coffee in his hand. The longhaired man's steps were silent but for the chime of the anklets. Heero nudged Trowa, who looked up to see the mug being held out in the palm of Jade's left hand, the young man's right hand holding the mug steady.

"Thank you, Jade," Trowa told the silent man, taking the mug from him. Jade's hands dropped, moving to the small of his back. Trowa frowned, and looked at Heero, who shrugged. Trowa sipped his coffee, watching as Jade remained in the same position. After several seconds, Trowa lowered the mug with a sigh. "Jade, you can go back to whatever you were doing."

Jade nodded once, and rose to his feet in a single fluid move, leaving the porch in a swirl of chiming bells. Trowa raised his eyebrows at Heero, who shook his head curtly. Trowa nodded, and the two men bent their heads to the lists.

 

 

 

"After breakfast, the first order of business has to be shoes." Trowa glanced over at Jade, noticing the silent man picking out the green peppers from his omelet and setting them on the side. "Jade? Eat your green peppers."

A thin line formed between Jade's brows and he continued picking the peppers out. Trowa glanced at Heero, who shrugged.

"He's always hated those," Heero replied. "What about shoes?"

"For Jade. He's either gone barefoot or worn your hiking boots, and you'll need those back at some point." Trowa finished his omelet and got up to set the plate in the sink. He turned around, leaning a hip against the countertop as he watched Jade eat. "I can take him to the shoe store at that shopping center if you go to the hardware store and pick up what we need."

Heero considered this, finishing off his breakfast with measured bites. "I'd rather take him. And then we'll go by that department store and see if there are any jeans that will fit him. Mine are a size too large, I think."

Trowa nodded. "I'll go put my shoes on, and I'll be ready." He glanced at Jade, who had finished off the rest of the omelet, leaving only a pile of lonely green peppers stacked neatly on the side. "Jade, go put on Heero's hiking boots. We're going into town."

Jade's shoulders slumped, and his head sunk down.

"Jade?" Heero asked. "There are things you need, and you have to go with us. We can't buy them without you there."

The silent young man didn't move, then nodded twice, and slipped from his chair. He seemed to be watching as Trowa cleared the table, and hesitated for a second before leaving the room.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Heero frowned. I don't know if he's ready, he thought. I don't know what might set him off, either.

"We donated all of Maxwell's clothes," Trowa said softly. "Buying new ones is our only option."

Heero nodded, and got up from the table. "I'll drive," he said.

 

 

 

The ride into town was quiet, and Heero dropped Trowa off at the hardware store, then drove the two blocks to the shopping center. Once inside the shoe store, he picked out several boots in Jade's size. He lined them up in front of the silent man, who was seated on a bench in the middle of the aisle.

Jade crossed his arms and lowered his chin.

"Jade, try these on." Heero knelt at Jade's feet, untying the shoelaces on the boots. He glanced up, and thought he might have glimpsed the dark blue of Jade's eyes, but the silent man shut his eyes tight as though aware he was nearly tricked. Heero sighed and tugged at the boot, pulling it off before starting on the second one. When he went to slip Jade's foot into the first boot, the silent man tried to jerk his foot back. Heero grunted and shoved Jade's foot in the boot before re-thinking his strategy. Setting the boot down, he sat back on his haunches and gave Jade an exasperated look. "Have it your way, then. Pick a pair."

Jade was still for a moment, then got up, wandering up and down the aisle before pulling out a pair of brown hiking boots with red laces. Cradling them to his chest, he fingered a pair of sandals before returning to sit on the bench, the boots on his lap.

"Those are Tevas," a voice said behind them. Heero looked up to see a young girl standing behind Jade, a retail smile stuck permanently on her face. Heero raised an eyebrow, and the girl's grin never wavered. "Those sandals your friend was looking at. They're excellent for hiking during warm weather, and you can go wading in them, too."

Heero considered this, tempted to ask Jade, but reluctant to deal with the song-and-dance required if he was going to have an audience. He glanced up at the girl again, even as he tugged the boots from Jade's grasp and began slipping them onto Jade's feet and lacing them up. "Could you get the pair he was looking at?"

The girl nodded, coming back shortly with a pair of black rubber-soled sandals, with a vaguely tribal pattern on the straps. One strap went over the toes, and a second went around the ankle, and both were adjustable with Velcro. Inspecting the quality, Heero checked the size and dropped the shoes into the box. "We'll take those, too," he said, patting Jade's calf as he stood up. "Okay, Jade, stand up. Those boots fit okay? Walk around."

The girl watched quietly, and gave Heero a puzzled look. "Is your friend..." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Is there something _wrong_ with him?"

Heero raised his eyebrow at that, and shook his head curtly. "No. He just doesn't talk."

"Oh," the girl said, her smile suddenly returning. When Jade turned around and returned down the aisle, she stepped in his way. "Do those fit?" Her voice was loud, and Heero could see Jade flinch from the unexpected volume. "They should be a little large in the toe," she continued.

Heero sucked in breath between his teeth, annoyed. "I said he doesn't talk. I didn't say he was deaf," the dark-haired man snapped. "Jade? Those okay?"

Jade nodded, his head down, his hands behind his back.

"Good. Let's go." He picked up the sandals and his own boots, and headed to the counter, Jade trailing behind, followed by the still-smiling retail clerk. "He'll wear those home," Heero informed the clerk, and she nodded, putting his boots and the new sandals in a bag while his credit card was processed. A minute later they were out the door, Jade lagging slightly. Heero stopped, annoyed.

"Don't tell me they don't fit," he told Jade. "I know your shoe size."

Jade shrunk back, and Heero glared at him for a minute, frustrated. He stared at Jade, as though willing the silent man to open his mouth, and then stopped, realizing that Jade's lowered eyes seemed to be focused on the bag in his hands. His mind spinning rapidly, Heero moved the bag in his hands and noticed Jade's eyes moving under his eyelids.

"Do you want to wear the sandals?"

A pleased smile broke across Jade's face.

"You help me find you some clothes, and you can wear the sandals as a reward," Heero told him. Fuck, he'd just bargained with him. "No, I take that back. You can wear them now."

Jade slipped out of the boots and knelt to adjust the Velcro straps around his ankles. After a second, Jade stood, but the pleased smile was gone, momentarily replaced by a slight frown. Heero watched as Jade flexed his toes, sighed, and the little smile came back.

Puzzled, Heero nodded, and led the way into the department store.

 

 

 

Trowa was waiting out in front of the hardware store when they pulled up, and he immediately thumped on the trunk for Heero to unlock it. Heero got out and helped Trowa load the generator into the Jeep, followed by several more tools, and a stack of books.

"I should've known," Heero muttered. "You have radar for books. And I thought a hardware store would be safe."

Trowa shut the Jeep's trunk with a quick motion. "You'll thank me later when you're trying to fix the toilet."

"You're not expecting me to read the directions, are you?"

"Be quiet, or I'll think you're channeling Maxwell." Trowa got into the Jeep, twisting in place to glance at the silent man in the back seat. Heero got in beside him and started up the engine. "I see you bought out everything in his size," Trowa observed.

"Not entirely, but close." Heero frowned as he pulled away from the curb. "We had a few...disagreements over some of the purchases."

Trowa raised an eyebrow.

Heero shrugged. "I'll...I'll tell you later," he said softly, and turned the car's radio on to cover the silence.

 

 

 

The kitchen table was pushed over to the wall, the chairs piled up on top, and the coolers full of ice were underneath. Everything from the fridge had been put in the coolers, and Jade was absorbed in studying the back of the fridge, pulled away from the wall. The line from the propane tank was undone, and every few minutes there was a clanking sound as Jade slowly took the fridge apart.

Heero leaned against the doorframe and watched for several seconds before stepping past Jade to return several tools to the red toolbox. Then he headed out the open kitchen doors, following the path around the house to the barn where Trowa was setting up the generator.

A loud thrumming sound greeted him as he neared the barn. Then the sound died suddenly, and was followed by soft cursing. Heero smiled as he stepped into the barn's cool darkness. "Problems?"

"Not really," Trowa muttered. "Just an inefficient design. How's Jade doing?"

"Slowly but surely dismantling the entire refrigerator. I don't know if he's actually making progress at anything but destruction, however. Toilet's fixed."

Trowa nodded from where he knelt next to the generator. He fiddled with several of the knobs, flicked a switch, and the generator kicked on. It hummed quieter this time, and Trowa smiled to himself as he got up, brushing dirt off the knees of his jeans.

"And the clogged tub drain?"

"Cleaned out." Heero led the way to the front porch instead of the back porch, and settled on the stoop, waiting for Trowa to join him. The taller man did so with raised eyebrows, waiting. "Jade...I think Maxwell's coming back."

"How so?"

Heero nodded. "When we were shopping...but I'm not sure." He'd not mentioned anything earlier, as they'd split immediately to get started on the day's tasks before Timothy arrived with a second truckload of furniture. Heero sighed and relayed Jade's behavior while buying shoes, and outside the store, then began explaining everything that happened while they shopped. "He turned up his nose at the blue jeans I picked out, and would only try on the black jeans."

"Maxwell always loved black."

"Maxwell hasn't worn black exclusively in six or seven years. Maybe longer." Heero shook his head. "Maxwell got out of that, really, after the One Year War."

"True," Trowa conceded. "That all?"

"He was okay when I grabbed boxers for him, or t-shirts. Then I picked out two long-sleeve shirts, and he took them from the cart and threw them on the floor."

Trowa whistled. "What did they look like?"

"They were red and blue, like shirts he used to have." Heero shrugged at Trowa's raised eyebrows. "He'd been so insistent on black jeans, I figured..."

"Strange," Trowa said. He leaned back on his hands and stretched his legs down the steps, crossing them at the ankles. "Anything else?"

"Like that's not enough?" The dark-haired man leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "I picked up the shirts, and put them back, and grabbed two black ones. And then it seemed like he was confused, but when I asked him what he wanted, he wouldn't answer."

"No reaction at all?"

"For a moment, he seemed...disappointed, and then he was smiling again. We went through the same thing with the socks, too." Heero sighed, letting his shoulders fall as he rested his chin on his forearms. "I wasn't sure whether to be happy he was showing spirit, or throttle him for being so damn difficult."

"Maxwell was always headstrong." Trowa's voice rumbled with amusement.

"Yeah, I guess." Heero stood up and stretched, hearing the sounds of a truck crunching gravel down the driveway. "Something's not right, but I can't put my finger on it."

Trowa nodded and stood, seeing the truck pull up, Timothy waving at them from behind the wheel. "We'll figure it out, Heero. But I hope it's a good sign."

It was a sign. Heero just wish he knew if it was truly a good one.

 

 

 

Timothy and his girlfriend delivered two more kitchen chairs, two rocking chairs, a high back chair, and a single bed mattress and frame. Jade had continued working on the fridge, and Timothy and his girlfriend had avoided any comment about the silent longhaired man in the kitchen. When the two kids left in a blaze of loud music, Heero and Trowa watched from the front porch as dust settled in the truck's passing.

"You ready to run the cord from the barn to the house?" Heero glanced at Trowa.

"I've been wondering if we should bury it, before winter gets here."

"Do that once we know everything works," Heero suggested.

"You want to turn the loft into the office?"

Heero waited, understanding the question for what it was.

Trowa narrowed his eyes, thinking for several seconds before explaining. "I think we should move the bedroom upstairs. There's more room for a single bed to be slipped out from under our bed for Jade, at night. Then we can make the downstairs room into an office."

"You're actually planning on letting him sleep at the foot of the bed, as a regular thing?" Heero frowned.

"You have any suggestions for getting him to stay on the sofa, short of threatening him or tying him down?" Trowa's green eyes were calmly amused, and the expression deepened as Heero scowled a little more. Trowa leaned over to ghost his lips across Heero's before pulling away. "If it gives him comfort to be there, we can just work around it."

Heero didn't say anything, but crossed his arms. Trowa laughed softly and headed into the cabin, while Heero stayed where he was, studying the front field. Trowa had bought several books on gardening and native plants, as well, and he decided that he'd begin investigating those subjects starting that evening. He was startled from his reverie by the sound of something metallic getting knocked over.

Curious, he headed into the house, to find Jade on his pillow by the fireplace. He was in the position Heero had come to think of as Jade's holding pattern, and he was also completely nude. Jade's head was down, but his shoulders were squared and there was a defiant scowl on his face.

"Trowa?" Heero stepped past the seating area and headed into the kitchen, where Trowa stood staring at something past Heero's line of sight. Hearing his lover, the taller man turned with a baffled look on his face, and pointed. "What the..." Heero's mouth fell open at the sight of the fridge, completely dismantled, with tools lying everywhere. "What happened?"

"No idea," Trowa said. He scratched his head and regarded the scattered parts thoughtfully. "Do you think he couldn't figure it out?"

"Maxwell―"

"This is Jade," Trowa interrupted.

"He's still a brilliant mechanic," Heero replied. "Look at the method he used for dismantling. And see the arrangement?" Heero shook his head, studying the way the parts were laid out. It was too precise for someone who had no idea what they were doing; the parts were collected into piles related to use, not by shape, size, or placement on the fridge like a less experienced person would have arranged them.

"Why would he stop?"

Heero shrugged. "Everything he does is to please you," he said. "Maybe there was something he couldn't do, and now he's afraid he won't please you."

"Please me." Trowa glowered for a second. Forcibly relaxing, he looked around the kitchen a second time. "Fine, I'll see if I can figure it out."

"What about Jade?"

"Get him to put his clothes back on, and I'll finish up here." Trowa sighed and knelt down. Within a few minutes he'd determined where Jade had left off, and began working quietly.

Heero collected Jade's clothes from their pile by the back doors, and headed to the living room, where he dropped them in front of Jade. "Put your clothes back on," he ordered roughly. "Clothes stay on, in this house."

He was startled when Jade's shoulders slumped and the silent man slowly nodded as he drew the sweatshirt over his head. The anklet bells chimed as Jade shifted on his pillow to pull the jeans up, and Jade sighed deeply enough for Heero to hear him as Jade buttoned up the jeans and settled back into position. Heero gritted his teeth, tempted to shake the silent man.

"No, you are not going to just sit there," he announced with as much calm as he could muster. "If you can't fix the fridge, then there are others things on that list. Go on. We've all got to do our parts to get this place ready for winter."

There was a long pause, and slowly Jade stood up. His head remained down, and Heero was startled to see tears caught in Jade's lowered eyelashes. Confused, Heero remained there for several minutes before beginning to move what he could to the loft.

 

 

 

The next two hours passed with little conversation. Trowa soon had the fridge together and running smoothly, and Heero helped him push it back against the wall. Jade cleaned the interior of the fridge completely, and began putting things away while Heero and Trowa moved the bed and the dresser up to the loft. They pushed the bed over to rest under the only window, and set the dresser along one side.

"Shelves," Trowa said, as he stood up, and Heero nodded, understanding what the taller man meant. Additional built-in shelves under the rafters would be deep enough for clothes storage and use the lower areas of the room where the roof met the floor at a steep angle. Trowa kicked the twin-bed mattress under the bed, and grinned ruefully. "No need for sleeping bags, now."

"We'll use them when it gets cold," Heero replied, "especially if we don't insulate." His eyes went upwards, to the bare boards laying over the rafters, and Trowa followed his gaze.

"Another thing for the list," the taller man said, as he left the loft.

Heero remained, his eyes falling on the wooden trunk tucked into the corner of the loft. It was pushed up against the roofline, and he knelt before it, hearing Trowa in the downstairs bedroom picking up one of the bedside tables. Heero ran his fingers lightly over the top, and frowned when he couldn't find a keyhole or thumb slot.

But yesterday, Jade had appeared with some sort of implement for punishment. The trunk was the only likely source of such things, but there was no clear way to open it. Puzzled, he filed the thought away for later discussion with Trowa, but by dinnertime he had forgotten.

 

 

 

Over the next four days, Trowa and Heero focused on the cabin, recognizing instinctively the importance of concrete goals. The local internet service would take two days to cycle, leaving them with a working laptop and no connection although the phone line was finally live. Quatre had received Trowa's and Heero's lists of requested items, promising that he and Wufei would tackle the job of packing and shipping the items themselves. The rest would go into storage. Une also called, verifying that the cabin was habitable. She didn't ask about Duo. Trowa, who answered the phone, didn't offer any information.

They'd been at the cabin for a total of three days, Heero thought, grunting as he shoved insulation between the rafters and stapled the straps in place over it. It took six hours for the three of them to finish the entire roof, including a half-hour of terse discussion about creating a platform into the living room with the rented ladder. Jade fixed an early dinner, and Trowa suggested hiking in the woods for an hour before dark. The trip was silent, except for Heero's comment that they should have brought the book on native plants.

The next day was another of grueling labor, putting up drywall over the rafters. The only conversation was requests for nails, or a comment about what task might follow next. None of the three were up to hiking in the late afternoon, and even Jade could only manage simple sandwiches for dinner.

Each day the three battles they'd chosen continued to be fought, and won. Jade sat at the table at each meal, remained dressed, and each night wore his hair in a braid for a minute more than the night before. The night he wore it for four minutes, Jade chose to give Trowa a foot-rub. The next night, none of the three were able to do more than lie on the sofa and watch the fire as Jade sobbed against Trowa's chest once the braid was removed. Heero suggested root beer floats. Jade finished his in record time, and required little encouragement to finish Heero's as well.

Heero had begun to note little details of Jade rebelling, but none so overt as earlier in the week. The fifth day at the cabin, Jade squirmed away from Heero when he tried to help the silent man stretch screen netting over the old frames. Trowa, in the middle of carefully inserting new glass for the windowpanes, raised his eyebrows, but Heero could only give a slight shrug in response. The afternoon of the fourth day, Jade refused to re-grout the tiled walls in the bathroom, leaving the chore half-undone as he returned to his pillow, naked, his knees spread as he knelt back with his head down.

Again Heero could only glower, finishing the task while Trowa ordered Jade to get dressed again. Trowa mentioned in passing that he suspected something was going on, but Heero only nodded. Duo, he told himself, would not have liked the boredom of grouting tiles, either. But Duo, his mind retorted, would not have left the chore half done to retreat to a pillow with a defiant expression. Duo would have complained long and loud, then quieted down, finished the task, and later reminded everyone of his great sacrifice. The memory brought a small smile to Heero's face as he bent to finish the task.

That evening, Heero brought the book on their group hike, and together he and Trowa identified nearly sixteen different late-blooming wildflowers. They hiked farther than they had on the first walk, making their way down the mountainside to a large fast-running creek. Heero had laughed out loud to discover that the sound in the distance that he'd assumed was traffic was actually the creek at the bottom of the mountain. Jade had waded into the creek without pause, stooping at intervals to investigate something on the creek bed, while Trowa hiked downstream, finding a large quiet pool that he suggested would be good for fishing. None of them had ever fished, but it went on the list of things to try.

The sixth day was a Wednesday, and Heero's trip to the hardware store achieved two things: more supplies, and an account in Liddie Une's name. Trowa couldn't help amusement at the amount they'd already spent in four days.

The morning started with the loft being covered in drop clothes, with Trowa and Jade priming the new drywall while Heero removed the broken and rotted spindles and repaired the ones that could be saved. He'd laid the spindles out on the front porch in order as he sanded and primed each, heading up to the loft to check on progress at lunchtime, only to find a subdued Jade and an aggravated Trowa. Jade had apparently managed to continually splatter paint beyond the edges of the drop cloth, to Trowa's mystification. Jade ended up out on the porch, sanding and priming, while Heero helped Trowa clean up the paint and finish the painting. Heero was somehow unsurprised that the railing and spindles were done haphazardly, but he merely grunted and went back over Jade's work while Jade made dinner and Trowa took a shower.

Something was wrong, but Heero just couldn't put his finger on it.


	8. the knife edge

Peeling a pear  
Sweet drops dripping  
Along the knife edge  
_―_ Shiki Masaoka 

 

 

 

One of the side tables from the living room was set up in the new study, with two of the kitchen chairs. The safety-orange cord from the generator snaked across the overgrown yard, up the side of the cabin, and through the window, and plugged into the small box transforming the power to household current. Heero sat back, satisfied as the laptop flickered into life and the phone line began dialing. Before he could verify the connection, the chimes of Jade's anklets announced the young man's presence in the doorway. Heero got up, leaving the laptop to connect on its own.

The dinner smelled wonderful as Heero entered the kitchen behind Jade, and Trowa looked up from where he was setting the table. Heero's mouth watered, and he smiled as he slid into one of the chairs. The bottle of red wine was just slightly cooler than room temperature, with beads of condensation forming on the glass. The stir-fried pork looked juicy, while the vegetables looked crisp and bright.

"I could get used to this." Heero shrugged when Trowa gave him an arch look. "Maybe Jade will give us lessons."

"Jade, sit," Trowa said, pointing to a chair. There was a pause, and Heero looked up to see Trowa frowning. "Jade, I said, sit down. In the chair."

Jade made his way around the table, but walked right past the chair, instead sinking to his knees next to Trowa's chair.

"That's not the chair," Trowa muttered. "Come on, Jade. You've been sitting in the chair for several days now." Trowa made a startled sound, and Heero looked up from serving out the meal.

"What is it?"

"Let go of me," Trowa said quietly, leaning over and doing something Heero couldn't see. "Jade, sit in the chair. Damn it, let go of me...let _go_ , Jade," Trowa growled.

The next thing Heero knew, Trowa had an armful of wriggling Jade, and was trying to force Jade into the chair. Jade shrieked and twisted in Trowa's arms, kicking at the chair. It fell over with a crash, and Heero finally found his voice as he came to his feet.

"Both of you!" He shouted, furious. "Stop!" Heero was gratified when Jade froze, shivering in Trowa's arms. "Tro," he snapped, "if he wants the floor, let him this time."

"No," Trowa replied in a voice like cold steel. "If I'm his Master, then he'll do as I say."

Heero froze.

Trowa closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before letting it out slowly and opening his eyes to stare steadily at Heero. "This is the way it works. I'm the one who imprinted him, whether we like or not. And if we let him break the rules, he will continue to do so."

"That's the whole point," Heero retorted. "Maxwell always broke every rule."

"This―" Trowa spun Jade to face Heero "―is _not_ Maxwell!"

There was a long silence. Heero could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted to scream or let his legs crumple underneath him. He's right, Heero thought, then immediately contradicted himself. He can't be right. Duo was showing, through Jade, these past few days. I know I saw him, for a second or two.

"No," Heero whispered, hating himself for sounding so broken. "It's him."

"No, it's not," Trowa said, his shoulders losing their tension as he slowly released Jade, who remained standing, his head down. Trowa ran a hand down Jade's arm before pulling away with a sigh. "There is no way Maxwell would ever have left something half-done because he couldn't figure it out. He would have been up all night and the next day, trying to figure it out."

Heero frowned, looking away.

"Heero, you used to tell me Maxwell would take things personally if he couldn't fix them," Trowa said, his voice taking on a pleading tone. "And you told me last night what you thought of Jade leaving the bathroom without completing that task."

Slowly Heero nodded, his gaze traveling from Trowa to Jade's downcast face, and back again. "You're right," he said in a subdued tone. "Maxwell would have joked and chattered until I was ready to throttle him, but he wouldn't have gotten paint all over the place. He helped me paint my apartment after Relena and I separated." Heero frowned, remembering. "He was even more meticulous than I. And while you were in the shower...I had to redo the work he did sanding and priming the spindles."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, and Heero nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry," Trowa replied. His expression turned firm. "But I think I know what's happening...and I don't think it's Maxwell we're seeing. We _will_ get him back. But in the meantime, we have to have Jade's trust. And the only trust he knows right now is in his Master, which means he has the same expectations as the big cats." Trowa's green eyes were intent. "You were trained. You know _exactly_ what I mean. There is _no room_ for questioning. The rules create stability, and that engenders trust."

"We want him to question," Heero insisted.

"This is different. He's not questioning, he's pushing." Trowa gave Heero an unhappy look. "Jade has misbehaved on purpose. I think...I think we're...I'm...not upholding every expectation he has for how a Master should treat him."

Heero didn't reply at first, tracing Trowa's comments to their logical conclusion. We've neglected him, Heero realized silently. When he misbehaves we've only sent him to do something else. We've not gotten angry. We've not given him any attention, good or bad. Heero realized Trowa was still waiting, and narrowed his eyes at Trowa.

"I will not let you beat him," Heero said, in a low tone that brooked no argument.

"I've got a better idea," Trowa replied. Letting go of Jade, he turned Jade to face him, and speaking sternly. "Jade, you have two choices. Sit in that chair, or suffer the consequences."

Jade shivered, and didn't move.

Trowa nodded, his jaw set. "It's your call," he said. Jade quivered, anticipating, and Trowa scowled at the movement as he loaded up a plate with food. He turned to Jade, holding the plate. "You are eating dinner," he said calmly, but with an edge of anger, "in the _barn_."

Heero's eyes went wide, at the same instant Jade dropped to the floor, his forehead pressed to the wood as he whined softly. Trowa looked down, his face impassive except for a single muscle flickering in his jaw.

"Get up, Jade," Trowa ordered. "It's too late. If you won't sit the chair, then you won't have dinner with us. Take your plate, and go sit in the barn. _Now_."

Jade whimpered again, then slowly uncurled himself, standing with his shoulders slumped. He accepted the plate from Trowa, and turned in a swirl of soft bells to leave the kitchen through the back door. Heero could hear the bells fading in the distance, and looked to his right, out the window over the kitchen sink, to see Jade's lonely silhouette as the longhaired man entered the barn. Dumbfounded, Heero turned to stare at Trowa, who had seated himself calmly and begun to eat.

Heero's voice was a whisper as he sat. "He's just trying to get attention from us."

"But giving him negative attention isn't the answer, although punishment..." Trowa's forehead creased as he contemplated it. "I think...he wants to know how much we care," Trowa replied, but he sounded uncertain. "I don't know. The cats will test you, to see if you're really stronger than them. But the analogy only goes so far."

"I hate it," Heero snarled, but his anger wasn't directed at Trowa, and the other man knew it. Heero leaned back in his chair, toying with his meal, and thought about it. He took several bites, but the food was flat in his mouth, the delicate spices overwhelmed by the sour taste of his memories. "But it's the way it works," he said flatly, fighting back the bile rising in his throat. "Physical punishment has so many levels. It reassured m―reassures the victim that the...Master is present with you, personally overseeing the punishment. It's attention, negative reinforcement, but it also keeps the world safe, somehow..." He shrugged, unable to continued.

"And afterwards?" Trowa's voice was neutral.

"There's praise for taking the punishment well. It absolved...absolves the person, relieves them of the burden of guilt over their mistake."

Trowa frowned at his plate. "I don't know how we can duplicate that, and I don't want to reinforce that need."

"We need to start out with giving him more attention when he does something right." Heero swallowed a bite of vegetables. "But the important part of physical correction is that it's inflicted by someone else, who controls it. I'm not sure banning Jade from the table suffices."

"I don't know, either," Trowa admitted as he filled their wine glasses. "I do know Maxwell was a social creature. He never would have eaten alone, if he had the option of being with others. I don't know what else we can do."

Heero leaned forward, resting his forehead against his fist as he played with the stir-fried pork, no longer hungry. "He's been doing well," he muttered. "He's bound to backslide. You said yourself that too much change, too soon, would be hard on him."

Trowa set down the bottle of wine. In an instant the firm lines were gone from his face, replaced by worry and exhaustion. "He's been doing well at the first three battles we picked. Everything else..." Trowa sighed and shook his head. "The rest can wait."

Heero grumbled internally. He knew it, but he didn't have to like it.

His lover nodded, understanding Heero's silent response, and the rest of the dinner passed in silence.

 

 

 

After dinner, Heero cleared the table while Trowa went to get Jade. Through the kitchen window, Heero could see Trowa's tall form in the encroaching dusk, bringing a huddled shape from the barn. The plate was in Trowa's hands, and Jade was clinging closely, nearly causing Trowa to stumble.

Heero sighed and stared down at the soapy water, scrubbing the pan absently.

I don't like it, he thought, trying to ignore the realization that wouldn't go away. Duo was...is... _my_ friend, not Trowa's. I know Trowa is now his Master, but I feel... He frowned, concentrating, trying to determine the exact emotion. It wasn't jealousy, really. It wasn't protectiveness, either. Heero sighed and dipped the pan in the clean water, rinsing it off before setting it upside-down on the waiting towel next to the sink.

Any protectiveness I felt for Duo was gone years ago, he thought wryly. That idiot could handle himself just fine. Although now... Heero picked up one of the plates and dipped it in the soapy water, glancing out the window to see Trowa bent over a little, hugging Jade's shaking form. Heero dropped his eyes instantly, feeling as though he were intruding, then reluctantly raised his eyes to see the two shapes heading around the house to the front door.

I feel protective towards Jade, Heero decided, and possessive, maybe. He considered that, and negated the second idea. He bent his head to washing the last two plates, rinsing them thoroughly before wiping them off and putting them away. Soft footsteps behind him alerted him to Trowa's presence, and a second later two hands were slipped around his waist as Trowa hugged him from behind. Heero could hear water running in the bathroom.

"I sent Jade to take a long hot bath," Trowa whispered. He paused, and pressed his lips against the back of Heero's neck. "I'm sorry."

Heero shook his head and focused on draining the sink. Placing his hands on either side of the sink, he leaned over, his head down.

"I am," Trowa insisted gently, turning Heero around to face him. Placing his hands on Heero's cheeks, he cradled the Japanese man's face in his hands. "Believe me. I don't mean to intrude on...the friendship you had. Or make you feel left out."

"You're not," Heero said, and then sighed, closing his eyes.

Trowa understood, and kissed him softly on the lips. He pulled away, as Heero's hands came up to clench at Trowa's hips, pulling him closer.

"He's _my_ friend..." Heero bit back the rest of his words.

"I know. But imprinting him means he's my responsibility, now...with you," Trowa added. "And if we don't agree, then Jade will balk. He won't know which of us to trust or believe."

Heero nodded. "Like Quatre and his daughters..."

Trowa smiled wryly and leaned back, letting his hands run from Heero's cheeks down to his shoulders, wrapping his arms around Heero to clasp at the small of Heero's back. "Yeah," Trowa said quietly. "Mom said I could," he mimicked.

"I'd almost be glad to hear that, if he'd just say something." Heero looked up to see Trowa's brow wrinkle in thought.

"Do you think maybe his vocal chords were damaged somehow?"

"Doubt it," Heero said. "He'd be completely silent, but I've heard him make all sorts of noises when crying." Heero closed his eyes. "He cries. I can't get over..."

"Enough," Trowa said. "Did you get the connection on the laptop? I'm not sure how much farther I can go without knowing―"

"―The desired results of the process, or the methods?"

"Results." Trowa released Heero. "Let's start with what Jade's expecting now, and work backwards."

Heero nodded, and let Trowa lead him to the study.

 

 

 

Trowa leaned back from the table and let his head hang back over the chair. His auburn hair fell back, revealing his exhausted expression. "There are thousands of pages just on training...slaves, submissives, masochists, puppy-slaves, everything..." he muttered, before sitting back up.

Heero nodded and continued brushing Jade's damp hair slowly. Jade was kneeling on his pillow between Heero's knees, his head down. Every now and then he'd make a small sound of pleasure, though his eyes were still red-rimmed and his face was puffy from crying. Heero glanced up as Trowa began typing again.

"Here's one on voice training," Trowa said. He scrolled down the page, and shut it in disgust. "Nothing useful. It's all about being silent while on the Internet." He snorted and opened several more pages. "This one is about all the things a slave should do to care for a Master." He was quiet for a moment, his green eyes flickering back and forth across the page as he scanned the information. Frowning slightly, he twisted in the chair to face Jade.

Heero paused in brushing, and looked at Trowa, curious.

"Jade? Do you know how to iron shirts?"

Jade nodded several times.

Trowa looked surprised, and raised his eyebrows at Heero. "Polish shoes? Fold and put away clothes? Undress a person?"

Jade nodded to each question, and began quivering eagerly. His fingers clenched and unclenched on his knees.

Trowa smiled faintly. "No, Jade, we're fine remaining dressed. Do you...Were you taught how to take care of someone in the bathtub? In the shower?"

Jade's obvious disappointment disappeared immediately as he nodded enthusiastically, his head down.

Heero set down the brush and dragged the papers towards him. Jade shifted between his legs, and Heero set one hand on Jade's shoulder, quieting him. Flipping through the papers with one hand, Heero nodded and handed the sheet to Trowa. "Cook, clean, vacuum, dust, wash, do windows..."

"House slave," Trowa murmured. Seeing Heero's raised eyebrow, he gave a slight shrug. "Apparently there are different types. A slave only for sex wouldn't know any of this. At least that's what these web sites are saying."

"But the cock ring, and the nudity―"

Trowa nodded. "All purpose." He turned back to the laptop and clicked on another window. "Most of this is common sense. When a slave's behavior conflicts with the Master's desires, it causes disharmony for the slave," he read out loud. Trowa was silent for a moment, considering it. "So the slave will make choices to reduce the conflict."

But in this case, Heero thought, the conflict is because we're not playing along. He looked up to see Trowa's eyes on him, and Trowa nodded. Sitting forward again, Trowa scrolled through several more pages. Finally he glanced over at Jade's sleepy form, and raised an eyebrow at Heero.

Heero nodded his agreement, and Trowa leaned forward to put his finger under Jade's chin, lifting his face to the desk light. "Jade," Trowa whispered. "Eight minutes, tonight." Heero leaned over to see Jade biting his lip, and his hands began clenching on his knees. Trowa gave Heero a pointed look. "I'll time it, tonight."

"I'll tell you when to start." Heero untwisted the hair-tie from the brush's handle, and separated the hair into three sections. Braiding it quickly and a little messily, he snapped the hair-tie around the end of the braid. "Start," he said.

For the next eight minutes, Heero leaned over in his chair, soothing Jade as the young man's whimpers became sobs. Trowa continued to read, calling out the time as the minutes passed.

 

 

 

Jade's sobs had slowly calmed to quiet sniffling before Trowa spoke again.

"I've searched through the biggest sites, and I don't think we're going to find what we need," he whispered. Heero looked up from where he knelt on the pillow, hugging Jade, and tucked Jade's head under his chin as he regarded Trowa expectantly. Trowa rubbed his forehead. "Nothing says much more than what we already know from the paperwork that came with him, really. Most of these essays assume the situation is consensual in the first place."

Heero snorted.

"Not like we're getting any two-way discussion about limits, or the rules or expectations," Trowa continued. "But then I found this one line...It says," and Trowa squinted at the screen, rubbing his eyes again before reading out loud, "a slave will often choose physical pain over the emotional agony resulting from the Master's disapproval or withdrawal."

"I was right," Heero said, and hugged Jade a little closer. Trowa raised an eyebrow, and Heero buried his nose in Jade's hair as he tried to think of a way to express his intuition. "We're not giving him what he wants, and he's willing to settle for pain, if he can't get the pleasure."

"You mean sex," Trowa translated.

"I'm not sure. I think it's more than that. It's being reassured, being praised...Have we done that for him, in the past few days?"

The room was silent, and Jade hiccupped. Trowa smiled, but it was a wan expression of agreement.

Heero nodded sadly. No, he thought, we haven't. He shook himself, focusing his gaze on the laptop. "Anything else?"

"One other page that at least might give some insight," Trowa reported. He twisted in his chair to bring up the page. "I saved the pages, if you want to look later. It's a list of things a submissive wants―"

"What's the difference?"

"Between a submissive and a slave?"

Heero nodded.

"A submissive..." Trowa frowned, clicking on several links before scanning the page quickly. "I think it's like a slave, but for limited time," he explained, but his voice was uncertain. "It's not really clear. There's domination-submission, which is more psychological and emotional, and sado-masochism―"

"―Which involves pain as a fundamental aspect," Heero guessed.

"The pages on domination-submission are quite insistent on the difference," Trowa said, and his voice was tinged with amusement. "Some of the stuff about submissives doesn't apply to Jade. But this list of a submissive's wants―"

"―Extrapolates to our case?"

Trowa shot Heero a pleased smile.

"Let's hear them, then," Heero told him, then cursed under his breath. "Did it again. Jade," he said, pushing Jade away enough to look down at the tear-stained face. "You kept the braid in for eight minutes, and I know I told you then, but I'm telling you again...you did really well. I'm...we're...proud of you. I'm sure it's hard," he whispered, soothing Jade's hair down. "But you're strong. You make us very proud. Now...what kind of a reward do you want?"

Jade was silent for several heartbeats, then his hand snaked out, reaching for Heero's groin. Heero caught Jade by the wrist, and gently shook his head.

"No, Jade," he said, gently but firmly. Heero frowned, watching Jade bring his knees up under his chin, curling up. The Japanese man looked up to see Trowa's green eyes wide in astonishment, or sudden comprehension. "What?"

"I have an idea," Trowa murmured, coming down to his knees to embrace Jade and Heero at the same time. Over Jade's head, he kissed Heero chastely on the lips, and gave him a tentative smile. "Trust me?"

Heero's brows came down, but he nodded. "You know I do."

"Okay. Jade, I want you to go to the bathroom, and get ready for bed. Then go to the kitchen and heat up a small bowl of the massage oil. When that's done, take the oil and a towel and go upstairs." Trowa's voice was calm, but he smiled faintly as Jade keened softly and began to quiver. Trowa petted Jade's hair as he continued his instructions. "Pull your bed out, and get undressed. Lay the towel down on the bed, and lie down on it on your stomach. Wait for us there."

"Tro..." Heero didn't finish the word at Trowa's warning glance.

Trowa patted Jade on the shoulder. "Go on," he said, and backed away. Jade practically sprang up from between them, and the two men could hear the chattering bells as he dashed into the bathroom. The water ran for several seconds, followed by the toilet flushing. Trowa gave Heero a pleased look. Heero raised an eyebrow.

"The slave's greatest pleasure is his Master's pleasure," Trowa said. "Haven't you noticed how each time we offer a reward, he tries to make a move on us? He doesn't want something to make _him_ happy, he wants a way to make _us_ happy. And he's pushing for punishment because he thinks he's failed to please us."

"We've been pleased," Heero protested.

"But we've not shown it in the way he expects." Trowa scratched his head. "I mean, this is just my theory, but it feels right. Heero," he said, his face softening. "When you come, and I see your face as you come, it's the most incredible sensation. Given the choice between my own orgasm or yours, sometimes I'm not sure I could choose. The pleasure I get from seeing you―"

Heero mumbled something and ducked his head, as Trowa laughed softly and leaned over to kiss him.

"I think we're doing some things right. The long walks were good, since he gets uninterrupted time with us. And the rewards after dealing with his braid, too...I think those are good. But the rest of the time, we're not showing him we're pleased. We're just _telling_ him."

"So what are you suggesting we do? And given his behavior the past few days, he's expecting punishment. You're giving him pleasure?" Heero shook his head, unable to see where Trowa was heading. It wasn't a comfortable feeling, given their usual ease at understanding each other's intentions.

"Yes and no. _You're_ giving him pleasure," Trowa said. With that cryptic remark, he smiled and got to his feet, leaving the room.

 

 

 

Heero stepped out of the study and was nearly run over by Jade, who had a towel over his shoulder and a bowl in one hand. The sound of bells followed the silent man's quick footsteps up to the loft. Trowa was leaning against the back of the sofa in the living room, and chuckling quietly.

"You should see your face," he said cheerfully.

"You're enjoying this too much," Heero replied glumly. "I sure hope you don't mean you expect me to―"

Trowa shook his head, reaching out to grab the belt loops on Heero's jeans, and tug him close. "I'd tell you, but I'm almost enjoying seeing you grumpy."

Heero grunted, unwilling to reply.

"Besides," Trowa coaxed, nipping at Heero's lower lip. "The grumpier you get, the more fun it'll be to make it up to you."

"I see," Heero said, unable to stop his lips from curling up.

Trowa cocked his head, listening to the rustling coming from the loft. "I think that's our cue."

The mischievous smile still playing across his face, Trowa jerked his head towards the loft and led the way upstairs. Jade was lying on his stomach, a towel under him. He was completely naked, and his eyes were closed but there was a hopeful smile on his lips. It faltered as the two men walked to stand next to his bed, but returned when Trowa knelt down at the head of the mattess. Heero followed Trowa's silent direction and knelt by Jade's hips.

"Jade," Trowa said softly. "Sit up."

The longhaired man came upright in a graceful coiling and unfolding, lifting himself up and pulling his legs under him before sitting upright, his knees spread, his head down. Trowa's smile grew a little tight as his eyes flickered down to Jade's crotch, but as Heero watched, Trowa's expression became neutral.

"You've misbehaved, because you wanted attention, and you were trying anything you could to get more attention," Trowa said softly. Jade began to shiver, and his head ducked down further. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I didn't see this sooner and do something about it. But you still left things incomplete. Could you have finished what you were asked to do?"

Jade nodded, slowly, once, a tiny movement.

"I thought so. And for that, you should be reprimanded."

Trowa narrowed his eyes at Heero's sudden glare, and made a little motion with his head. Puzzled, and wary, Heero tried to force his hackles back down as he watched Trowa begin stroking Jade's cheek.

"But only so much as you're liable. The rest of the blame is on me, and therefore I will accept punishment myself. It's my turn to take a time-out."

Heero blinked, completely lost. He opened his mouth, and was startled to see Trowa flash him a smile. Blinking again, he closed his mouth with a snap, watching Jade begin to shiver.

"Hush, Jade," Trowa said, in a soothing tone. "What's going to happen will hurt, and when the hurt is gone, the guilt will be, too. And then you'll only feel the pleasure of knowing how happy you make...both of us," he whispered. "You'll know how much it matters to us...that you're here." Trowa backed up, withdrawing his hand from Jade's cheek. "Lie down on your stomach. Relax."

Trowa sat back on his heels and raised an eyebrow at Heero.

Heero glared and crossed his arms. "And?"

"You wanted to show him. Now's your chance," Trowa said, solemnly. His next lines had the barest hint of teasing, but it was directed entirely at Heero. "Give him one of your patented full-body massages."

There was a long silence.

The dark-haired man lowered his brows at the other man. Trowa's eyebrow quirked, and he dropped his gaze pointedly to the bowl of oil. Frowning, Heero sighed and pulled off his shirt. Dipping his hands in the oil, he knelt along Jade's sides and rubbed his hands quickly together to heat the oil. Placing his hands on Jade's back, he began working on the sore muscles with efficient and powerful movements.

Within seconds, Jade was keening, and his hands were clenching and unclenching.

"Not that hard," Trowa said, his expression amused.

"I'm going as light as I do on you," Heero protested as Jade moaned when he hit a particularly tight knot, kneading it with quick and precise fingers. Making a face at Trowa's amusement, he tried to lighten up as he worked on the knots, and shook his head. "I want to get these knots out, I've got to go hard. Maxwell's like you - nothing but muscle and bone."

Trowa stood up. "I'll be in the barn," he said quietly. Smiling down at Jade's wriggling form, he leaned over to whisper in Heero's ear. "Take your time. His mind is shut away, so we start at the outside layers, what we can get to."

Heero raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Unconventional," he muttered.

"The only convention we need is to follow our hearts."

 

 

 

It took nearly a half-hour just on Jade's back alone, and sweat was dripping down Heero's forehead. He paused, wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, and moved up to work on Jade's left arm. The moans had died away only once he'd lightened up into soothing the beaten muscles, but began again as Heero worked down the limb, thoroughly prodding every muscle strand, down to the fingertips. He smiled, wry, when Jade yelped as each finger joint was cracked. Keeping one hand on Jade's body at all times, Heero climbed carefully over Jade and began working on the other arm.

By Heero's estimation, it was going on two hours before he was down to Jade's toes. Again the young man started, yelping slightly as his toe joints were pulled, caressed, and efficiently cracked. Heero moved back up Jade's body, straddling Jade without settling down on him. Pushing at Jade's spinal column, he worked his way up the spine, prodding and massaging as he aligned each individual column, popping them into place with a loud crack. Jade shrieked in surprise at first, his head jerking off the pillow.

"Shh, almost done," Heero soothed, waiting until Jade settled down before ruthlessly beginning work on the next unaligned vertebra. When that was complete, he shifted to kneel next to Jade, contemplating the next step. Normally he'd have Trowa flip over at this point, he thought. And it didn't always lead to sex, but a man's reaction was going to be normal when receiving such undivided attention.

Pleasure, Heero thought. Once the muscles were properly unknotted, there would be a lasting pleasure. But at the same time, if Jade had been created and sold for the purposes of someone else's pleasure, being rejected sexually had to be having an effect on his lost friend's self-image. Heero sat back, one hand still on the small of Jade's back, and tried to understand how he'd see the situation if he were Jade.

A slave exists to worship and love his Master, Heero recalled Trowa reading from one of the sites. So if the Master rejects the slave, and doesn't allow worship in the way the slave was taught... Heero wiped his forehead again with the back of his hand. His skin twitched at the beads of sweat running down between his shoulder blades. The late August air had turned humid and stifling, and he wondered if a thunderstorm were coming.

And Trowa's still in the barn, Heero thought, vaguely amused. At the same time, somehow he intuitively understood that Trowa had been trying to find a way to excuse himself. The other man had managed to achieve several ends in one simple move, and Heero had to smile at his lover's subtlety.

I could use that now, he thought. Sighing, he leaned over, soothing Jade's hair back. "I'm going to get Trowa," he whispered. "Stay here, and I'll be back in a few minutes." Heero smiled just a little as Jade nodded, his expression lax. The young man didn't move as Heero pulled the sheet over Jade's relaxed body. Taking one last look as he grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head, Heero sighed and headed down to find his lover.

 

 

 

Heero stepped inside the barn, seeing a glimmer of light at one end. Trowa was perched on one of the kitchen chairs reading a home repair book. He shut it and stood carefully, picking up the hurricane lamp as he came to the door. He didn't say anything, but lifted the lamp to see Heero's expression. Trowa paused, and waited.

"I had a lot of time to think," Heero told him.

"Over two hours," Trowa replied, amiably.

The dark-haired man nodded as he turned back towards the house. "You told me one web site talked about how a Master should accept the slave completely and totally. Unconditional love."

Trowa nodded, waiting.

"I think...when we tell Jade not to touch us," Heero whispered, a little uncomfortably, "we're rejecting him. We're saying his wish to demonstrate his love...or should I say, his worship...we're saying it's not good enough. That we don't want it."

"That's the problem," Trowa agreed. "We don't." He paused, turning, and the hurricane lamp's movement made the shadows swing and dance around them. "Unless..."

Heero shook his head. "No. I don't want anyone but you touching me, but...I thought a lot about the fact that you had the guts to give me time alone with him. I know I'm jealous, sometimes, of the way he looks at you, like he doesn't see me." He ducked his head, and considered his words carefully. "And I...sometimes, when you're focused on him, I feel like pushing him out of the way."

"Ah."

They paused on the porch, and Heero dropped his voice to a whisper. "I think he wants attention, not just verbal, but physical...he feels left out. If he was trained to expect sexual interaction, and he's not getting it, he's also bound to think it's because he's not good enough."

"The emotional pain of rejection or withdrawal," Trowa murmured. "And you're suggesting..."

Heero's shoulders slumped, as he struggled for the control to say the words without causing hurt. "I think we should give him the attention, as a reward. Not that often, but just...enough so he doesn't start fearing we don't want him. And right now, he only understands pain and pleasure."

"The physical."

"Exactly." Heero was silent for a long time, but Trowa didn't say anything. Finally, Heero sighed, his gaze shifting away to the starry night just past the line of the porch's overhang. "I want...you to be there with me, when I finish the rest of his massage. I don't want you to think―"

His words were interrupted with a kiss. It turned passionate, but ended quickly as Trowa drew back, his eyes glinting in the light from the hurricane lamp. "I wouldn't. Ever. But it means a lot to me that you'd ask..."

Nodding, Heero led the way up to the loft.


	9. deepening purple

Almost black  
Deepening purple  
Ripe grapes  
_―_ Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Trowa was vaguely relieved that Jade hadn't panicked after Heero had left. He hoped the lack of a reaction meant Jade was slowly learning to trust that when they said they'd return, they would. Trowa watched his lover kneel by Jade's side, and followed Heero's lead, settling down at the head of the single bed as he mentally reviewed the evening's earlier findings. He wasn't sure what precisely he'd need to say or do, but he was certain there was something specific, in his role as Master. Trowa shook his head slightly, to clear his thoughts, and gave Heero a smile when the dark-haired man hesitated, seeing Trowa's action.

Heero nodded, swallowing hard as he drew the sheet back. Jade's eyelids flickered in the light of the single hurricane lamp, and his back twitched when Heero's hand came down gently upon his shoulder.

"Jade," the Japanese man whispered, "roll over so I can do the rest."

Jade hesitated, and then slowly rolled over. His less-than-graceful movements were clear indication his muscles ached from Heero's attentions. Watching Jade settle his head back on the pillow, Trowa frowned at the realization that he was asking Heero to go into this alone. He glanced over at his lover, who was studying the body before him with a mixed expression. Trowa thought he identified a little bit of affection, and a great deal of discomfort.

"Heero..." He called gently, and jerked his head at Jade when Heero looked up. Seeing the other man nod, Trowa crossed his legs and inched forward, lifting Jade's head and shoulders up. "Jade, lift up," he instructed, and moved forward until Jade's head was resting in his lap. The silent man sighed, then, and his body relaxed as the air hissed between his lips.

Unfortunately, the relaxation ended the minute Heero put his oiled hands back on Jade's chest and began working at the muscles. Trowa could see the tension in Jade's jaw, unable to bite back the moans as muscles were persistently hammered into unknotting. Trowa smiled grimly and leaned over, dipping his own hands in the oil, and rubbing his palms together before lowering them. Running the oil smoothly across Jade's face, he studied the face he'd known for ten years, and wondered what Heero was thinking.

A quick glance at Heero's intent expression told him one thing was certain. Heero wasn't seeing anything, too focused on the muscles under his fingertips. Trowa watched Heero's movements, not needing his eyes to guide his fingers across Jade's temples, down to his jawline, around up his neck to massage behind his ears. Soft moans filled the air, punctuated by sharp hisses and whimpers as Heero touched on painful spots and dug in with his fingers. Trowa continued to focus on Jade's neck and the tops of his shoulders as Heero thoroughly worked across the front of Jade's arms, climbing to the other side of the bed and then back again. The dark-haired man returned his attention to Jade's abdomen, working his way past the ticklish spots with a deft touch.

You were fifteen and laughing, Trowa told Jade silently, a face on a screen until we stepped out of our Gundams at the realization we were allies...and that Heero had just killed the only people willing to work for peace. He sighed and glanced down at Jade's body, seeing Duo's energy superimposed on Jade's stillness. The young man's shoulders were narrower than Heero's, and not nearly as muscular. Duo was always the skinniest. Trowa recalled punching Duo in the lunar base prison. But he'd been the quickest, too, and Trowa found himself smiling at the knowledge that only Duo would have caught on so quickly as to catch the schematics display unit so gracefully, or cover the exchange so skillfully.

Trowa's gaze moved down the slender arms, to the fingers clenching and unclenching against the towel as Heero worked on Jade's hips and sides. Those fingers seemed short and blunt, but they could fix anything, he mused, and would fly across keyboards and engines with the grace and speed of seagulls diving across water. The idea of water made Trowa pause, and he studied Jade's face, watching the thin line appearing and disappearing between the brows as Jade flinched every time Heero hit a difficult patch on the silent man's thighs.

Duo had been a dolphin, and the idea amused and saddened Trowa. Duo always welcomed play, but he kept your secrets hidden deep, where no one could reach him.

Trowa sighed again, his eyes trailing down Jade's thin waist, to the narrow hips where Jade's erection stood proud from a small patch of brown hair only slightly darker than the hair spread out across Trowa's lap. Trowa squinted, uncertain, suspecting that the pubic hair was shaved neatly and cropped, but he let his eyes travel past that, trying to push away the image of Duo at fifteen, at twenty, at twenty-six. The man's legs were lean and muscled, and obviously strong, given Heero's grunts as he bore down on a particularly hard spot above Jade's knee. Heero was frowning intensely, and Trowa tilted his head to get the hair out of his eyes as he watched his lover concentrate on separating discomfort from affection, present from past.

Not much later, Heero sat back on his heels, his hands resting on Jade's ankles, and looked up at Trowa. His eyes were shadowed, but Trowa knew the other man well enough to know that Heero was asking for permission, and for absolution. Solemnly Trowa returned the steady gaze, running mentally through every detail of being a Master to make sure they were working within the rules Jade understood. He blinked, then, realizing what they'd forgotten. Heero saw the look and raised an eyebrow, halting before he'd begun to move forward between Jade's legs.

Trowa took a breath, calming himself, and leaned over, his fingers still working steadily across Jade's face. Watching Jade's body, he could see the slight arch of the back, the tension in the fingers, and knew instinctively that Jade was waiting anxiously for the next move from them, although the line between his brows indicated he wasn't sure what it would be. Trowa smiled gently and leaned over until his mouth was near Jade's ear. Finding his center, Trowa spoke calmly.

"Jade...if you want to please me, let me see you come." He swallowed hard, glancing up at Heero, and bent his head again. "You can come, anytime."

Heero parted Jade's legs, and cautiously crawled forward. Jade's erection had twitched at Trowa's words, and the young man arched even more as Heero ran his hands up the insides of Jade's thighs. Trowa continued to slowly rub up and down Jade's neck, feeling the cordons of muscles tensing as the young man drew in breath. Heero settled between Jade's thighs, and Trowa could see the Japanese man chewing on his lower lip, flinching slightly as he lowered his hands to Jade's erection.

A heartbeat later, the young man cried out, his body arching dramatically off the bed, bowed almost in half as he came, violently. Trowa could only stare, stunned, and glanced up to see Heero looking nearly as surprised. In the low light from the hurricane lamp, Trowa could just discern Heero mouthing the words, 'I barely touched him.'

Jade continued to gasp for several seconds as the orgasm racked his body, his hands splayed wide against the bed. Finally he collapsed back onto the bed, shaking, a curious sound coming from deep in Jade's throat as his entire body went completely limp. Trowa raised his eyebrows, giving Heero a puzzled look. Heero, meanwhile, had sat back on his heels and was rubbing at his forehead with the back of his hand. Catching Trowa's glance, he shrugged, and gave Trowa a crooked, embarrassed smile.

"The towel," Trowa whispered.

Heero nodded, pulling at a corner of it, and between the two of them, they managed to get it out from under the pliable body. Jade's panting was fading, and he seemed completely unaware of his surroundings. Heero gritted his teeth and carefully cleaned up Jade's chest. Standing up, Heero backed away, then dropped the towel heedlessly, and stripped off his clothes, heading straight for the bed and collapsing with a deep sigh.

Trowa eased his way out from under Jade. The young man murmured something, and Trowa froze, looking down at the sleepy figure.

"Jade?" Trowa leaned down, trying to hear more clearly. "Did you want to say something to me?"

Jade didn't react at first, then sighed deeply, a smile on his face as he made a humming sound. Trowa raised his eyebrows, waiting, but already Jade was drifting off to sleep. Leaning down, Trowa kissed Jade on the forehead, tasting the oil, and under that, a hint of Jade's skin. He held the kiss for several seconds, unable to think of a better way to express the strange myriad of sensations running through his heart. Sitting back, Trowa shook his head as he turned down the lamp until the flame was gone. Then he stood up, stripping off his own clothes and crawling into bed beside Heero.

Reaching out, tentatively, Trowa slid his hand across the other man's bare stomach. Heero grunted, and Trowa could feel the muscles tightening under his palm, until they relaxed as Heero took a deep breath. Trowa didn't say anything, understanding the silence. The sheets rustled as Heero shifted in place, and took another deep breath. When the man spoke, Trowa had to strain to hear the words.

"He's going to hate me," he said flatly. "When he comes back..."

Trowa couldn't think of anything to say, but kept his hand on Heero's waist, hoping the touch would relay his certainty that his own feelings about Heero, and for Heero, hadn't changed. There was another long silence, and Trowa could feel Heero's skin rising and falling with each breath.

"I feel...ill," Heero continued, "and...dirty." He paused for another long minute, and Trowa could hear him swallow hard. "I would never touch a friend like that without his consent. And he can't give it..."

"Jade gave his consent," Trowa replied evenly.

"Jade isn't capable of giving consent," Heero retorted, pain filling his voice and giving it an edge. "You consented for him."

Trowa could only sigh, leaving his hand where it was. Heero moved against him, rolling over on his side and backing up until they were spooned together. It wasn't their usual sleeping arrangements, but Trowa understood the need. He grasped Heero loosely around the waist and kissed his shoulder.

Tomorrow, they'd talk about it again, when they weren't so exhausted. And then, at some point, it'd be time to stop stalling and find out what's in that chest.

 

 

 

Trowa came awake when he realized he was alone in the bed. Sitting up, he ran a hand through his hair and looked around the loft, startled to see clothes being held up. Jade knelt by the bed, wearing his new black shorts, and one of the black short-sleeved t-shirts that Heero had bought, and his sandals were on his feet. Trowa was puzzled, but dressed quickly.

He smiled as Jade came to stand behind him, the bells chiming merrily. Trowa gave Jade a light pat on the shoulder and led the way downstairs. Heero was already eating breakfast, and Trowa barely kept from gaping as Jade slid quickly into a chair at the table, a happy smile on his lips as he set out a plate of eggs and bacon for Trowa. Trowa could only watch, his eyebrows halfway up his forehead, as Jade proceeded to eat breakfast with delicate fingers, the contented smile still on his face.

"Heero?" Trowa sat down, puzzled when the dark-haired man didn't look up from his breakfast. "What did I miss?"

"I told him he could get up." Heero shrugged. "He had breakfast mostly fixed by the time I got out of the shower."

Trowa nodded, noting Heero's almost-sullen tone. "I think after breakfast Jade can prime the railing before we replace the spindles."

Jade nodded enthusiastically as he bit off a piece of bacon.

"And then," Trowa continued, "you and I can talk."

That got Heero's attention, and he looked up, his blue eyes flashing. "About?"

Trowa returned the expression with an impassive look, and Heero scowled a little. He glanced sideways at Jade, and the worried frown deepened. The auburn-haired man watched, saddened, and bent his head to eat his own breakfast.

The plates were almost cleared before Trowa decided to broach the first topic.

"Jade," he said, in a conversational tone. "What's in the trunk?"

The reaction was startling. Jade went from smiling as he finished his bacon, to shrinking down in his seat, his expression anxious. His fingers skittered across the tabletop to disappear in his lap.

"I want you to show me what's in the trunk―"

Trowa's words were interrupted by the sound of a large vehicle pulling up on the gravel drive by the house. The crunching sound was distinctly heavier than Timothy's small truck, and Heero raised his head, surprised. Getting up from the table, the Japanese man wiped his mouth and dropped his napkin next to his plate.

"I'll go see," he said quietly.

"Jade, go upstairs," Trowa said. "Wait there until we tell you to come down. I'll take care of the dishes."

Jade nodded, and dashed upstairs just as Heero opened the front door. Trowa could hear the bells chattering and fading as Jade disappeared into the loft, and he quietly put the plates away, rinsing all signs of their breakfast. Wiping his hands on a dishcloth, he stepped into the living room to see Heero opening the door wide for Lady Une. Her hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, and she was wearing jeans, a tank top, and hiking boots. It was a radical transformation from the formal suits he was used to seeing on her.

"Une," Trowa said, struggling to keep the surprise from his voice.

"Mr. Barton," she replied crisply. "Mr. Yuy, I've brought the items you requested."

Heero raised both eyebrows, and Trowa stepped up next to him, looking out to see a medium-sized moving truck sitting by the house. Trowa turned, seeing Une's appraising eyes taking in the house's interior. She glanced up, and smiled.

"You did something about the ceiling already," she said. "This place was freezing in winter with no insulation."

"And the windows," Trowa said, then frowned slightly. "Director Une, why did you...you're the Director. Any reason for the personal call?"

Une shrugged, giving him a sad smile. "I needed the break. Drove up yesterday, and spent the night with Aunt Liddie. I'm going to walk back down, now. I spoke with Mr. Winner and Mr. Chang, and they told me they had everything packed. Rather than encourage them to take the time to bring it, I figured..." She made a hesitant motion with her fingers, shrugging a little. "The fewer people who know, the better."

"Jade," Heero called. "Come downstairs."

Trowa raised his eyebrows at Heero, who shook his head slightly. The bells chimed as Jade came to the top of the stairs, his footsteps sure, but his posture hesitant. At the bottom of the steps, Jade moved swiftly to stand beside Trowa, his head still down.

"This is Lady Une," Trowa said. "Do you recognize her?"

Jade didn't raise his eyes, but Trowa could tell the silent man was looking as much as he was willing to. Before he could bend down to catch a glimpse of dark blue, however, Jade had lowered his eyes again. Trowa snorted mentally and turned to Une with a shrug.

"I have three more things for you," Une said then. "This isn't entirely an excuse for my vacation. The first is about the investigation. To make a long story short, Mr. Chang is going in to the next auction as an associate of Mr. Thibaud's, and Quatre is running contact. Mr. Chang has received information about the auction that you may find helpful."

Trowa nodded, tilting his head at Une. "That raises one issue that's been bothering me. Maxwell is twenty-six. I was under the impression that he was...kidnapped, for lack of a better word."

"He wasn't infiltration, if that's what you're asking," Une replied calmly. "He was the best because he knew...knows L2 like nobody's business. And he can get anyone to talk to him, including suspicious street kids. And from what I know of Mr. Maxwell, I know the average kid is much savvier about their environment than adults give them credit."

"But," Heero interrupted, "at twenty-six, he's hardly a street kid himself. Is there any chance he was taken because he was a Preventer?"

Une shook her head, sadly. "No sign of it, so far, but we're looking into that." She paused, her blue eyes flitting between the two young men. "You're both blind. Look at your friend. Don't see your friend. Just _look_."

Trowa frowned, but obediently turned to study Jade's downcast eyes, his relaxed stance as he waited by Trowa's elbow. Heero turned as well, puzzled, and Jade shifted nervously, feeling their eyes upon him. Trowa set his hand on Jade's waist, steadying him, and turned to Une, his eyes questioning.

She sighed. "He could pass for 18, and he knows...knew it. That's part of what he told me when he agreed to take the mission. It's a matter, he told me, of relaxing the face, smiling in a different manner." Une snorted, giving Trowa a skeptical look. "I'd think you'd know that."

"I do, but still..." Trowa shook his head.

"And he's also gorgeous," Une added. "If you can't see that, you're truly blind, or just wearing friendship's blinders. Enough of that, though. I have one more reason for coming, and it's a happier one." She smiled, a warmer expression that suddenly lit up her face. "I'll be right back."

The two men glanced at each other, baffled, and Jade shifted his weight between them, anxious. Trowa instinctively put a hand on Jade's shoulder, quieting him, and they waited. Only a few minutes passed, and Une returned, a small carrying cage in her hands. She set it down on the floor, just as Trowa realized the muscles stiffening under his hand. Jade's moan went from soft to a shriek instantaneously, and he reeled backwards, twisting around as he screamed.

Trowa grabbed Jade, ignoring Une's shocked expression.

"Get rid of that," Heero snarled, grabbing the carrying case from the floor before Une could protest. He was out the door in a flash. Trowa watched, holding Jade's wriggling form against his chest, pressing Jade's nose against his collarbones as he murmured reassuring sounds under his breath.

Une's face dissolved into understanding, and she came to her feet in a swift move. "Jade," she whispered, stepping forward until she was within arm's reach of Jade. "That wasn't something for you. I mean...not something for you to be put in. It's not something you have to be frightened about...your..." Her blue eyes flickered up to Trowa's, then dropped to study Jade again. "Your Master is a good man. He wouldn't do that to you." She paused, then reached out, running her hand tentatively down Jade's hair, pulling back when he flinched. "Being put in a box was scary, wasn't it."

Jade nodded against Trowa's body, then froze as a strange wailing became evident from outside. Heero appeared in the doorway, a small golden tabby clinging to his neck and mewling piteously. Its green eyes were wide, and its ears back, and the dark-haired man winced as he tried to pry the creature off him.

"Tro, I hate your damn cat," he muttered.

Trowa could only grin wryly, about to set Jade aside to take the cat. Thinking better of it, he peeled Jade off him and turned the silent man around. "Jade," he whispered. "That's Ifrit. Go on...go get him."

Une raised her eyebrows, stepping out of the way as Jade slowly shuffled over to Heero. The young man's eyes stayed down, but he slowly raised his hands, gently taking the frightened kitten from around Heero's neck. The kitten balked at first, then leapt, landing on Jade's neck, its claws digging into his hair. Jade made a yipping sound, stumbling backwards, then stopped. The room was silent, the observers holding their collective breath as Jade slowly began to pet the cat, making a humming sound under his breath as he pried the cat off him and moved it to his chest. The humming sound was joined a second later by the cat's purrs, and Jade's early morning smile returned in full force.

"Quatre didn't tell me what the name meant," Une said to Trowa, as she watched Jade converse quietly with the kitten.

"Demon," Heero growled.

Trowa rolled his eyes. "It's a type of Arabian Jinn," he explained. "They're not really bad. Just troublemakers, with their own sense of right and wrong."

"In that case, Ifrit has probably found a kindred spirit," she replied, one eyebrow quirking. "Ah, that's the other thing. Quatre told me to tell you he's going to be in the doghouse, proverbially speaking, for the next month for returning the cat. His elder daughters are on strike."

"They like the pest," Heero admitted. "Not sure why, though."

The three fell silent, watching the kitten claw at Jade's hair, as Jade twisted in place, trying to pry the squeaking kitten off his shoulder. When Jade succeeded, Trowa was surprised to hear a subdued giggle from Jade as the kitten batted at his nose.

"I think that went well, considering," Une said in the silence. "Well, gentlemen. If Jade is occupied with getting acquainted, I'm certainly able to help you unload, if you want the help."

There was a pause, and Trowa was startled to see a crooked smile appearing on Heero's lips as he watched Jade nuzzle the cat, nose-to-nose. Heero's gaze moved to Une, measuring her up before he smiled again and nodded.

 

 

 

By silent agreement, Trowa and Une followed Heero into the study and began piling boxes against the wall. Jade was upstairs during the first few trips, and the one time Trowa checked in on him, Jade had pulled out his bed and was playing with the kitten. Trowa smiled to see Jade's jump, when the cat attacked his feet under the sheet, and shook his head as he went back to help Une and Heero continue to unload the truck.

The fourth trip carrying boxes in, Trowa realized Jade had joined the procession, and that damn golden tabby was clinging to his shoulders, mewing a running commentary the entire time. Jade followed Heero inside, trotting past Une, who watched with an amused expression as she carried a box of clothes up to the loft and placed it on the edge, shoving it over a little before making room for Heero.

The truck was half-unpacked by noon, and Trowa called a break. Jade raised his face from where he'd been rubbing his nose against the tabby, and headed for the kitchen.

"I think we have enough for sandwiches," Trowa told Une. "We need to do another grocery run, I think."

Heero nodded. "We have soda and orange juice, unless you'd prefer coffee?"

"Soda's fine," Une replied. She watched as Heero disappeared into the kitchen to pour drinks, and turned to Trowa with an uneasy expression. "How's he doing?"

"Jade...or Heero?"

"Yes."

"Jade's had some rough spots, but we've done some research, so we understand better now what he expects. We really do need to know how they broke him down," Trowa told her, keeping his voice pitched low. "And Heero's...doing the best he can."

"Of course," Une replied. She hesitated, and dropped her eyes to study the sofa's simple blue and white checks for several minutes. "It's pretty impressive, what you've managed on the house so far. I've moved a number of the agents around, and your tasks are covered for the next nine months." She sighed and fingered the unraveled seam along the sofa's back. "It may take longer," she added softly.

"We're not willing to use their methods," Heero interrupted, his voice soft as he returned, handing a glass to Une. "So it's going to take twice as long, at least. Unless we have a break-through..." He shrugged. "At least we have something to do in the meantime."

Trowa nodded. "This place really isn't habitable yet, for winter. There's still a lot of work to be done," he said. "I'm curious if you knew that before you sent us here."

"I did," Une said, the crisp tone returning to her voice as she flashed him a smile. "But sometimes, the best way to heal the heart is through the hands."

Before Trowa could reply, the sound of bells in the doorway announced Jade's presence. Lunch was ready.

 

 

 

The truck was unpacked completely by mid-afternoon, and Une didn't stay around for long. She kept her goodbyes to the point, and skillfully backed the truck without hitting the overhanging trees, a wave through the window the last they saw of her. Trowa smiled ruefully as the dust settled on the road, and wondered whether they should have the road leveled before winter came.

Heero nudged him in the elbow.

"Just glad suddenly we didn't bring my motorcycle," Trowa said, amused. "You going to get groceries, or should I?"

"I'll do it," Heero said, jingling the keys and leaning up for a quick kiss. "I...I could use the break."

Trowa frowned slightly and caught Heero by the elbow before he'd turned away. "What is it? You've been avoiding Jade. He doesn't seem to have noticed." Trowa's expression said clearly that he'd noticed, however.

"That's good," Heero replied.

The hidden intention in the sidestep was obvious to Trowa. Heero wasn't ready to speak about it, but Trowa could only growl and cross his arms. The motions were as clear to Heero as they were meant to be: don't tell me later. Tell me now. I need to know.

Heero frowned, concentrating. "I've been thinking about it, since last night." The Japanese man pursed his lips and looked away, across the field. "I'm not comfortable with what I've realized." His voice dropped to a whisper as he checked behind Trowa to make sure Jade was still in the kitchen. "Last night, a part of me...wanted to do that. All rationalizations aside."

"I see," Trowa said, keeping his voice neutral. Inside, his heart was hammering against his chest, uncertain. Please, Heero, he moaned silently, don't break my heart. I can't take it.

Heero was silent for several minutes, staring back across the field before he turned his blue eyes on Trowa. They widened as if surprised at the raw emotion lurking behind Trowa's eyes, and then Heero managed a crooked half-smile. "I am _not_ leaving you," Heero promised, his voice firm. "But I can't deny that last night, my head said one thing, my heart said another, and part of me wasn't listening to either."

Trowa nodded and uncrossed his arms, waiting.

"I don't know what I'll do about it, but as soon as I do, I'll tell you." When Heero glanced up, his blue eyes were large, his expression lost and worried. "I can't avoid him, and I want him back, but I'm not willing to lose you in the process." He shook the keys in his left hand and leaned forward, brushing the knuckles of his right hand against the back of Trowa's hand. Without another word, he headed for the Jeep.

 

 

 

Trowa remained on the porch for several minutes, pondering Heero's words. It wasn't surprising there was going to be some latent attraction between the two. He knew, after years watching their friendship from his own distant vantage point, that the two had often laughed about their bad timing. By the time Heero had separated from Relena, Duo was in a long-term relationship with a Sweeper from L3. It was Duo's connivance that set Heero and Trowa up on a surprise double date, and completely unrelated that Duo's own relationship ended shortly thereafter. Trowa vaguely recalled Heero reporting that Duo was sick of a long-distance affair.

Bad timing, Trowa thought, leaning against the doorjamb, watching the starlings play in the field. A squirrel leapt down from the oak tree over the empty drive, and dashed across the field into the woods. The breeze ruffled the wild hay, and Trowa contemplated being in the cabin long enough to see snowfall, followed by the first crocuses. Sighing, Trowa leaned his head back and closed his eyes, feeling the last days of August warmth seep through his skin past his bones and into his heart.

I won't hate you for being attracted to him, Trowa promised Heero silently, but I won't stay around to love you if you won't include me.

He could hear something clattering in the kitchen, and tilted his head as though he could hear better, but didn't open his eyes. His head was clearly telling him that Heero had asked him to be there, the night before, to prevent this particular type of misunderstanding. Heero, fearing being left out of Jade's universe, had sought to make sure Trowa didn't feel the same when it came to Maxwell's friendship.

Trowa sighed and pushed away from the door, heading into the quiet darkness of the cabin.

 

 

 

Another clatter came from the kitchen, and a peculiar meow, followed by a second one identical to the first. Trowa paused by the sofa, listening, his curiosity piqued by the dissimilar note in two otherwise identical sounds. Creeping forward as silently as possible, he rounded the corner into the kitchen, to see Ifrit on the counter, watching intently as Jade unpacked a box.

The golden tabby swished its tail, leaning forward to peer into the box. Its ears were forward as Jade rustled paper, lifting out a serving bowl and putting it away. Trowa recognized the bowl as one Catherine had given him as a house-warming gift, and he smiled, figuring that Quatre had seen fit to pack a few extra items. Then Ifrit meowed, and Jade mimicked the sound as he stretched up to put the bowl away.

Trowa chuckled quietly as the sounds repeated a few more times. If Jade wasn't speaking, then it obviously wasn't because there was a problem with his voice, but because something in his training had ripped the ability or willingness from him. Trowa wondered if it was related to his braid, or if it was simply a normal part of the auction house's slave creation process.

He pushed the thoughts away and stepped into the kitchen, aware the kitten was breaking a cardinal rule of Trowa's house. Stepping up behind Jade, he lifted up Ifrit as the startled longhaired man spun, embarrassed.

"Iffy," Trowa intoned solemnly. "No cats on the countertops."

He set Ifrit down on the floor and leaned over to see what else was in the box. There was a squeaking sound from behind him, and Jade yelped, jumping a little at the same time. Trowa turned, startled, to see Ifrit clinging to Jade's shorts, before proceeding to climb the rest of the way up Jade's shirt. From there the cat leapt onto the countertop, blinking lazily at Trowa with a distinctly smug expression.

Trowa frowned.

"No," he said. Picking the cat up again, he deposited it on the floor. "Cats do not get on the countertops." Trowa patted Jade on the shoulder. "Heero's gone for groceries. I'm going to start unpacking the books. Maybe after dinner we can find something to read out loud." He was about to turn away when a flash of gold moved out of the corner of his eye, and he turned, disconcerted to see the cat back on the countertop.

This time, he nearly scowled outright.

Picking up Ifrit, the cat squirmed in his hands as Trowa bopped it lightly on the nose. The kitten's ears went back flat, and it flexed its claws. Trowa smiled a little, and nuzzled the cat nose-to-nose before putting Ifrit on his shoulder. Trowa was about to shake his head at the kitten's antics when a second movement caught his eye. This time, it was black, and he turned around again to see Jade perched on the edge of the countertop. His gaze was lowered, but a hopeful smile played on his lips.

Recognizing the first appearance of a playful smile on Jade's face, Trowa thought for a second before stepping forward to put his hands around the other man's waist.

"No Jades on the countertops, either," he whispered as he set Jade down, impulsively emphasizing his words with a quick pat to Jade's nose. Jade flinched, surprised, but the smile never left his face, even widening a little as he lifted his chin to Trowa. It took a second for Trowa to realize what Jade wanted, and he smiled as he leaned forward, rubbing noses with Jade.

"Come join me in the living room," he said, catching Jade by the hand. "I'm sure if we work together, we'll have most of the books put away before Heero returns."


	10. in the thicket

Even in the thicket  
Beyond the bramble gate  
A little chrysanthemum  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero pulled the Jeep up in front of the house, and bent over, resting his head on the steering wheel for a minute. He felt like he needed to take a shower again, and but scrubbing wasn't going to remove the feeling from inside him. The drive into town, the time in the grocery store, the drive back, and then seeing Liddie and Lady on the front porch of the old woman's house... He sighed and got out of the Jeep.

Trowa came to meet him as Heero brought in the first load of groceries. Jade was putting the books away, and Ifrit was asleep along the back of the sofa, stretched out to his full length, right where the afternoon sun angled in through the front windows. Trust a cat to find the sunny spot and take full advantage of it.

While Trowa put the food away in the kitchen, Heero picked up the last item, a tin bucket. Approaching Jade, he took a deep breath and pushed away his doubt.

"Jade," he called softly, watching as Jade finished setting the last books on the shelf and turning with a hopeful smile. Heero stifled the urge to cringe, seeing that contented expression. "There's something I need you to do. Come with me." Heero led the way to the porch, and turned, placing the bucket in Jade's open hands. "Follow the road down to the house at the bottom of the drive. The woman you met today...Lady...is waiting there. She and her aunt are going to take you to pick blueberries."

A little line formed between Jade's brows, and he ducked his head. His knuckles whitened as he tightened his grip on the bucket handle. Heero sighed, and reached out, tucking a strand of chestnut-brown hair behind Jade's ear. The silent man relaxed a little at the touch.

"It's okay, Jade. They're going to keep you company, and then feed you dinner, and then you can come back here." Heero paused, chewing on his lower lip before deciding what to say. "Last night...you made your Master very happy. You know that, right? He was pleased with you."

Jade quivered a little, and his smile returned.

"But now...now I need some time alone with your Master," Heero whispered. "You understand, right?" He wondered why it felt like he was asking permission, but he was relieved to see Jade nod. "Good," he said, and sighed, feeling his shoulders relax with the motion. "You can eat all the blueberries you like, but bring back at least a half-bucket of them, and I'll make pancakes in the morning."

Jade frowned, just slightly, turning in place to look behind him. Heero brushed the hair away from the silent man's forehead, as he recognized the little motions Jade was making with his hands.

"No, the cat stays here," he whispered, and Jade's shoulders dropped. Heero smiled at that. "He'll be here when you get back, and I'll make breakfast as your reward...for picking blueberries, and for giving me time with your Master. Understood?" He waited until Jade nodded, and stepped out of the way. "Go on, then. Stay on the road, until you see the house. Lady is safe. You can trust her. We trust her," he added, hoping that was enough.

Jade hesitated for a second more, then nodded, stepping off the porch. Heero watched Jade wading through the tall grass until he got to the gravel road, and continued watching until Jade's black-garbed figure was out of sight behind the pine trees. Heero slowly became aware someone was behind him, at about the same point he could feel a sudden tension.

"What was that about?" Trowa's voice was suspicious, and wary. "You can't just send―"

Heero raised his hand, warding off any more comment. "Liddie's going blueberry picking, and Lady suggested we send Jade."

"Why?"

"To give us some time," Heero replied evenly, turning to catch Trowa's face between his hands. "You need some undivided attention," he whispered, and pulled Trowa's lips down to meet his.

 

 

 

"You missed a spot," Heero said, and chuckled when Trowa elbowed him. They were lying on their backs, their breathing still quick, sweat beading on their chests after such furious exertion in the early autumn heat. "No, you can see right there." Heero pointed at the ceiling, and grunted when Trowa poked him in the ribs. "There's a large spot where the white is more gray. That's the bare wallboard."

"Remind me to blindfold you next time," Trowa replied good-naturedly.

"We tried that once, remember?" Heero grinned openly, the warm expression he could only show around two people in his life. Only one now, he reminded himself, and the smile faltered.

Trowa noticed immediately, and calmed, but his eyes asked the question.

"Just..." Heero shrugged. "Sorry. I keep thinking that..."

"Stop thinking. It's dangerous when you think. I end up in trouble."

"You are never going to let me live down one simple short-cut, are you."

"Short-cut my ass. We drove around for hours."

"Forty-five minutes." Heero snorted. "We didn't miss that much."

"We got there as Quatre's daughter was getting off the stage," Trowa protested. "I'd say that's missing the whole thing."

"He taped it."

Trowa rolled his eyes and sat up. "Yuy, do you have even a single nostalgic bone in your body?" He looked over to see Heero leering, and grinned, shaking his head. "It's been an hour. Shouldn't Jade be back soon?"

Heero sat up and reached for the towel, wiping himself off before pulling on his jeans. "They were going to try to get him to stay for dinner, but if he's getting anxious, they'll call us to warn us he's on his way back."

"Computer's not online, is it?"

The Japanese man shook his head, watching as his lover pulled on the jeans, leaving them unbuttoned as he grabbed a clean shirt. Trowa's expression was intent, and Heero waited, knowing Trowa's mind had moved in a different direction. The two finished getting dressed, and Heero silently followed Trowa down to the living room, where Trowa opened another box of books and began filling the next empty shelf. Ifrit was asleep on the arm of the side chair, having been evicted from the loft after too much interest in the tangled bed sheets.

"There's a folder over there," Trowa said quietly, never stopping what he was doing. "Sitting on the table. It's...some of the information Une brought."

"You haven't read it?"

Trowa shook his head and turned away, his shoulders tense. Heero frowned, considering, and finally nodded and snagged the folder on his way to the armchair. Sitting where he could see out the window in case Jade returned, he opened the folder and began reading. After fifteen minutes, he glanced up to see Trowa opening the last box of books, and piling the empty boxes by the door. The auburn-haired man paused, brushing his hair out of his face as he fixed his eyes on Heero.

"It's what I expected," Heero said quietly. He dropped his gaze, studying the plain manila folder, and idly wondering who chose the bland color that was now so universal. He could tell Trowa was waiting, and he shrugged, the barest movement. "The auction house emphasizes a humane system of training," he said, unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice. "Using a combination of negative and positive rewards, with drug therapy. The explanations are vague, but the implication is that three months is the normal time to train a...pet...to their standards."

"They had Maxwell for six."

Heero nodded, and both men said nothing for several minutes.

Trowa broke the silence. His voice was low, and neutral. "Did you...are you familiar with drug usage, in the course of training?"

"Yes." Heero's response was flat. He pondered what to say for several seconds, fingering the edge of the folder on his lap. I don't want to remember, he thought, and scowled at himself. I don't want to talk about it, or bring it back. He glanced up to see Trowa's eyes on him, compassionate and warm, and he looked away quickly, unable to face the present while remembering the cold past. "When...the subject is in the early stages, it's a minimum-level dosage of an anti-anxiety tranquilizer, like Valium or Librium. At the right levels, it's enough to calm the subject, and make him...pliable."

"That's it?"

Heero shot Trowa a wary look, then frowned and dropped his eyes, unable to meet Trowa's measuring stare. "No," he whispered. A sudden pain stabbed at his heart, and his words were reluctant. "It's combined with extensive negative reinforcement. Cessation of negative reinforcement is accompanied by the dosage to relax...the subject."

Trowa nodded, and went back to shelving books. He was silent for several minutes, but when he spoke again, his voice was lighter, and more conversational. "I think tonight, rather than give ourselves headaches on the Internet, we should read, instead."

"Read? What do you mean?"

"Read, out loud." Trowa's lips quirked up, just a little, at the edges. "No one ever read to you, I suppose."

Heero shook his head. "Not unless you count firearm manuals."

"The Captain used to read to me, when I was little," Trowa said. "I finally found copies of the books, a few years ago."

"What kind of stories?" Heero set the folder aside, and got up, stretching.

"Adventure stories." Trowa gave him a little grin. "The kind young boys like. I still read them, sometimes."

Heero grunted, uncertain what he was supposed to say, and went upstairs to begin unpacking the boxes of clothes.

 

 

 

The phone rang while Heero was upstairs, and fifteen minutes later Jade was at the door, a basket in one hand and the bucket of blueberries in the other. Heero came down the stairs to see Trowa laughing at the blueberry stains around Jade's mouth, and Jade ducked his head nervously. The bells chimed on his anklets as he shuffled his feet, and Trowa shook his head, pulling Jade into a spontaneous hug.

"Come on, Heero," Trowa called, glancing up. "Looks like our dinner was delivered."

The food was simple, but filling, and Heero wondered which of the women had cooked it. There was also enough for three. Heero looked at Trowa, who glanced in Jade's direction quickly before giving Heero a pointed look. The dark-haired man studied the silent young man separating the meal into three shares, and realized Jade's hands were shaking, just a little, and his eyes were puffy. Heero sighed, and gave Trowa a sorrowful look as he accepted his plate and sat down.

There was no conversation over dinner.

Afterwards, Heero stood, and helped Jade clear the table. Ifrit had wandered in, mewing as he belatedly realized there was food out. Trowa put the cat on his shoulder as he poured out a bowl of cat food.

"Should we put the cat box in the bathroom?" Trowa knelt down by the box, stuck in the corner of the kitchen.

"Are you planning on making the cat stay indoors?"

"No. He just has to stay inside until he's learned that this is home," Trowa said. Standing, he reached over to wrap his arm around Heero's waist. "I nominate you to read."

"Me?" Heero gave him a disgusted look and stepped back to the sink. "You're the one who knows the stories."

"We can trade off. You read the first chapter." Trowa dodged the dishcloth thrown his way, and chuckled as he ducked behind Jade. The silent young man smiled and twisted out of the way to hide behind Trowa, instead.

Heero grinned and shook his head. "Fine, have it your way. But if the two of you start ganging up on me, someone's sleeping on the sofa."

"That's okay." Trowa grinned and picked up the kitten rubbing against his ankles. "Seemed pretty damn comfortable this afternoon." He sighed, then, and set the cat down, ignoring Ifrit's cries. "First, there's something we've been putting off. Jade, show us what's in the trunk."

Jade dropped his head, nodding once as he turned and left the kitchen. Trowa picked the dishcloth up off the floor as Heero grabbed one of the hurricane lamps and followed Jade to the loft. He could hear Trowa following behind him, and watched Jade's slumped shoulders as Jade made his way to the far corner of the loft. The trunk was nestled under the eaves, and Jade settled down in front of it, his knees spread shoulder-width apart, his head down, as he waited. Trowa joined them as Heero set the hurricane lamp down on the floor between them.

"Open it," Trowa said.

The silent man took a breath and reached out, his fingers sliding along the sides of the top. His fingers moved, depressing something, and the top clicked open. Carefully he lifted the lid, revealing a tray lined in velvet. There were a number of implements on it, many of which Heero didn't recognize. Some he did, and he struggled to keep from flinching. There was a hand on his thigh, then, and he glanced sideways at Trowa, acknowledging the comfort. Jade's hands were shaking as he lifted out a thin stick, about two feet long, and set it before Trowa. A leather-handled whip with a number of tails was the next item, and something metal flashed in the lamp's light as the whip was set next to the first item. Trowa ran his fingers across the whip, and lifted the end up.

"Claws," he whispered, dropping the leather braid quickly.

Trowa rubbed his fingers across his jeans, and the two men watched as Jade lifted out several more instruments and set them beside the first two. The tray was flipped up, then, to reveal a second velvet-lined tray. This one contained braces, shackles, chains, and restraints. Heero recognized the design for ankles versus wrists. When Trowa fingered a particularly large set, nearly three inches thick, Heero had to swallow hard before saying anything.

"Those...go around the thighs," Heero explained.

Jade nodded once, and prodded the restraints with a finger before turning back to the chest. The second tray was pushed up, revealing several boxes. He started to reach for one, and then shrank back, shaking his head.

"Show us, Jade," Trowa said, his voice calm and controlled.

Jade shrank back further, a soft moan starting in his throat and growing to a soft keening sound. Without warning he twisted around, facing Trowa as he bent over, pressing his face against the wooden floor, his hands clasped at the small of his back. Trowa stared down at the shaking man, his expression impassive in the flickering lamplight. Heero shifted next to him, uncomfortable, and Trowa started, as though coming back to himself.

"Put it all back," he whispered. He leaned forward to run a hand down Jade's hair, bringing his face into the light, and Heero could see the distaste clearly on Trowa's face as he studied the instruments laid out in front of him.

Jade sat up, sniffling, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand before carefully returning each item to its place and shutting the lid. Heero sat back on his haunches, and gave Trowa a pointed look. Trowa nodded, waiting until Jade had shut the lid.

"Never touch that trunk again," Trowa said calmly, but his voice was icy. "I will be getting rid of it. Is that clear?"

There was a long pause, and Jade seemed to shrink in on himself. Heero frowned, recognizing the reaction, and turned his head away at Trowa's startled expression. Gritting his teeth, he looked up to see his lover's eyes. Trowa studied him for a second, then nodded, understanding Heero's silent meaning.

 

 

 

It was a more subdued group that settled into the living room for the evening's entertainment. Heero sat on one end of the sofa, with one leg stretched to the side as he scanned the opening pages of the book. Trowa sat on the other end, shifting Ifrit to lay on his chest. Trowa's legs were propped up on the coffee table as Jade reappeared with his pillow and dropped it by the fireplace, kneeling with his head down as he waited.

Heero sighed at Jade's posture and ducked his head to study the book's cover. Flipping to the first page, he began to read.

"The weather door of the smoking-room had been left open to the North Atlantic fog," he said, his normal tenor becoming a richer tone, "as the big liner rolled and lifted, whistling to warn the fishing-fleet. That Cheyne boy's the biggest nuisance aboard," Heero read, unconsciously deepening his voice further in mimicry of the character speaking.

He had just gotten to the point where the lead character, a young boy, falls off the edge of the ocean liner while in a drunken stupor, when he became aware of movement in the corner of his eye. Pausing as he turned the page, he glanced up. Trowa was leaning back, his eyes closed, one hand on the sleeping kitten on his chest. Jade was fidgeting on his pillow, his brows down. He seemed to sense Heero's eyes on him, and he dropped his chin, but his lower lip was definitely jutting out. Heero stuck his finger in the book and closed it, which prompted Trowa to open his eyes and give him a curious look. Heero jerked his head in Jade's direction, and mouthed the word, 'jealous.'

Trowa looked surprised, then frowned as he watched Jade. Seeming to come to a decision, he plucked the sleeping kitten off his chest and sat up. "Jade," he called, and handed the kitten to Heero. "Jade, go get your brush and a hair band, and come join us."

Heero frowned as the golden tabby was dropped unceremoniously on his lap. "Why do I have to hold the damn pest?"

"Because I'm going to be holding the other damn pest," Trowa replied amiably. He sat up a little straighter as Jade returned from the bathroom and tentatively sat down between them, his shoulders tense. "Tonight, Jade, you're going to wear the braid until the chapter's done. No timing it tonight."

Heero raised his eyebrows at Trowa, and winced as Ifrit dug claws into his thigh. "Damn cat," he muttered, one hand automatically going to the cat's neck and beginning to scratch. The cat immediately started purring, its eyes closing into sleepy slits, and Heero watched as Trowa quickly brushed and braided Jade's hair. Trowa then swung Jade around, pulling Jade's legs across his lap, and guiding his head down onto Trowa's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Jade and nodded at Heero.

Heero sighed and propped the book up on the arm of the sofa as he began reading again, one hand still scratching the kitten. "He was roused by the sound of a dinner-horn such as they used to blow at a summer school he once attended in the Adirondacks," Heero read. Soon he was absorbed in the story, only vaguely aware of Jade's shivering as Trowa murmured reassurances in Jade's ears. "Slowly he remembered that he was Harvey Cheyne, drowned and wet in mid-ocean, but was too weak to fit things together..."

 

 

 

Jade made it seventeen minutes, by Heero's count, but was crying steadily by the time the chapter was done. Trowa's shirt was damp from the tears, and Heero suggested root beer floats as a reward. Jade was off the sofa in a heartbeat, his anklets chiming as he busied himself in the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with one for each of them. Settling back on the sofa between them, Jade ate his as Trowa began the second chapter.

"I warned yer, said Dan, as the drops fell thick and fast on the dark, oiled planking," Trowa read. Heero smiled to himself at the way Trowa could so easily mimic an accent rare in all but a few parts of the Earth. Trowa caught the expression and threw the dark-haired man a smile as he continued between bites of his dessert. His voice went up in pitch as he voiced the sailor boy. "Dad ain't noways hasty, but you fair earned it. Pshaw! There's no sense takin' on so."

By the time the second chapter was done, they'd rearranged themselves into a pile of arms and legs. Heero took over, moving the hurricane lamp down nearer to him, and opened the book to the third chapter as Jade shifted sleepily in place. He was laying with his head on Trowa's chest, and his legs in Heero's lap. Ifrit was asleep in Jade's lap, although the kitten sat up when Heero shifted, yawned widely. The cat came to his feet, stretching for several seconds before collapsing back on Jade's lap with a muffled meow. The dark-haired man could see a smile on Jade's lips as he rubbed the kitten's head, and Heero thought for a second there he could see the glint of light reflected on Jade's eyes, but the room was too dark to tell. Sighing, he leaned back, dropping one hand down to absentmindedly rub Jade's bare feet as he began the third chapter.

"It was the forty-fathom slumber that clears the soul and eye and heart, and sends you to breakfast ravening," Heero read. He glanced up to see Trowa's hands running through Jade's hair, but the green-eyed man's eyes were fixed squarely on Heero. The dark-haired man gave him a little smile and bent his head back to the story.

They read until midnight, unable to put the story down, and unwilling to lose the momentary peace.

 

 

 

The next day, Heero took the trunk out to the barn. They'd discussed it in hushed tones while Jade was in the bathroom, and Trowa sensed Heero's frustration.

"We'll let him know it's in the barn," Trowa had assured him. "But I don't want it in our bedroom."

When Heero returned, Trowa had finished putting away the leftover blueberries and washing the breakfast dishes. Jade was already occupied priming the stair railings, and Ifrit was balanced on his shoulder. At noon, they took a break and read another chapter while eating on the back porch. By dusk, they'd finished reinstalling the spindles and priming the stairs.

The ninth day of their stay they spent unpacking the rest of their belongings, including items that had been Duo's, which the other four pilots had split amongst themselves as the sole inheritors of their friend's possessions. Jade didn't react to any of the pictures or mementos, and Heero reluctantly repacked the items, setting them aside under the eaves for later. Over the course of the day it became apparent that they needed more shelves, both for Trowa's extensive book collection, and for clothing in the loft. Heero drew up the plans at the kitchen table, and worked out a plan while Trowa came up with a routine for Jade to follow. Heero listened to the one-sided conversation in the living room, but the murmuring was too low even for his sharp ears.

That night, Jade kept the braid in for nearly thirty minutes, only starting to panic once they were halfway through the second chapter of the night. The dark-haired man was gratified to find that Jade wanted the reward of giving Heero a backrub, and he willingly acquiesced with only minimal encouragement from Trowa.

The tenth day, a Monday, they picked up wood and tools, and began building shelves in the study. Trowa measured and called out the lengths needed, while Heero cut the wood on the front porch. Jade sanded each piece quickly and efficiently, and it was handed in through the window, where Trowa built the shelves in place with Heero assisting. Between the three of them, the shelves were built by nightfall. The braid stayed in for nearly an hour, as Jade dozed with his head on Heero's shoulder while Trowa read.

Tuesday, Jade stained and sealed the shelves in the study to match the golden glow of the wood floors, while Heero and Trowa measured, cut, and sanded the built-in shelves for the loft. When Jade brought them lunch, they were glad of the break. Trowa later reported he could have sworn he'd caught Jade watching them, but Jade was uncannily good at dropping his eyes if he thought his observations were noticed.

The twelfth day, the three loaded up the Jeep with a number of the rotting furniture from the barn, and drove the hour to the nearest dump. Open only on Wednesdays, they made a day of it, packing a lunch and picnicking on the banks of a river on the way back. Trowa mentioned again that he wanted to try fishing. When they returned to the cabin at twilight, they had three new reels and had gotten a crash-course in using them.

Jade kept the braid in for nearly two hours, as they finished the first book and began a second one.

On Thursday, Heero declared he'd had enough of inhaling sawdust, and Trowa suggested hiking for the day. Jade eagerly agreed to show them where to find blueberries, and with lunches and drinks packed, they set off. Noon found them at the bottom of the mountain, near the creek, but none were that inclined to go back for the fishing rods. Trowa lay on the bank, his head in Heero's lap, and both watched Jade wading in the quick-running water. They left the bag hanging from a tree to retrieve later, at Heero's direction, and hiked upstream several hours.

"What's that sound?" Heero cocked his head, uncertain. "Is there a highway near here?"

Trowa laughed, watching Jade scramble across the rocks ahead of them, splashing as he leapt from one rock to another, and nearly missed. "No, Heero. I think it's a waterfall."

Heero shot his lover a suspicious glance. "Like in movies," he said, a dubious tone in his voice.

"Exactly." Trowa raised his head, and a smile broke out across his face. "They're bigger in movies, but this one is a good size."

Heero turned his head to see a sheet of water coursing over the rocks, dropping ten or eleven feet to plunge into a large dark pool. The rocks Jade had been climbing ringed the pool, and Heero clambered over the rocks behind Jade, curious. Finding a good-sized rock, he settled himself down and waited for Trowa to join him.

The taller man raised his eyebrows as he climbed up beside Heero, and Heero gave him a shy smile in return. Trowa kissed him quickly, before turning his attention to Jade, who was knee-deep in the pool, bent over and studying something. Heero leaned against Trowa, his gaze falling on Jade.

"It's strange," he whispered. "The days pass...and I'm starting to see him as someone who just happens to look like someone I knew. It's getting easier to not see him as Maxwell." He frowned, pained by the confession. "I don't like that."

Trowa nodded. "We're getting into a routine. He's more comfortable now that he knows the limits." He frowned, as Jade moved deeper into the pool. "Jade," he called suddenly. "Don't go too far."

"And you're turning into a parent," Heero said.

"How would you know?" 

"You're acting like Quatre."

Trowa chuckled for a moment, then fell silent. "Parent...I suppose. He can't consent on his own, so I do it for him. He doesn't have rules, except those we provide. I'm getting used to that, and there's something inherently..."

"...Wrong about that." Heero narrowed his eyes, watching Jade squat down in the water as he picked up another rock and studied it closely. "He's got a brilliant mind. It's just...not there."

"Locked away." Trowa sighed and leaned back on his hands, his expression somber. "I'm guessing we should hear from Wufei or Quatre in the next two weeks, with any news on their investigation. In the meantime, we just continue in our routine. There's plenty more to do on the house, and Jade seems to be getting comfortable." Trowa gave Heero a crooked grin. "He also seems to understand the idea of needing private time. You still haven't told me what you said to him last Friday."

Heero simply raised his eyebrows and shrugged nonchalantly.

Trowa chuckled, then grew somber as he watched Jade dig around in the creek bed, bringing up several rocks before dropping two. "I guess this is it, then. Get ready for winter, and stick to the schedule. Until we figure out the key, this is the only thing we can do."

"What if we don't? What if we can't? What if he really is gone," Heero muttered. "What if I was wrong, and they went too far..."

"You're not wrong."

"How do you know?" Heero glanced back, to see Trowa's level gaze.

"I don't," Trowa said quietly. "But I know that if I stop believing that Maxwell is in there..."

He couldn't finish the sentence, and Heero could only nod, watching Jade collect rocks from the pool's edges. Trowa climbed down from the rock. He didn't say anything, although his green eyes seemed bright in the sunshine. He ran his knuckles across the back of Heero's fingers, smiled, and went to join Jade in the shallows.


	11. the burning sun

This is really a dilapidated house  
Receiving a visitor  
Under the burning sun.  
_―_ Ippekiro Nakatsuka

 

 

 

Quatre arrived for a visit on the twenty-sixth of September.

They had been at the cabin for nearly a month. It was chilly at dawn, but the mountain's mist had burned away by mid-morning, and Heero guessed it was going to be a warm day. Trowa nodded, trading his long-sleeved shirt for a short-sleeved one. Stuffing his feet into his hiking boots, he left Heero and Jade to begin their work on the hot water heater. It had broken down two days before, but couldn't be repaired until the local store had found parts for them. Jade was the only one who didn't seem bothered by heating water in pots to add to the chilly bathwater, while Heero couldn't wait to fix the heater and take a hot shower.

Trowa grinned, leaving them to their work, and stepped out on the front porch. He eyed the hammock, wondering if he should keep to the plan of not letting the other pilots visit the cabin. Quatre had protested quietly on the phone, but gave in without pushing the issue further. Trowa sighed, knocking the hammock absentmindedly, watching it swing for a second before stepping off the porch to head across the front yard. Passing the newly turned garden beds, he couldn't help but smile.

Somewhere inside Heero, he thought, there's someone who could live like this quite happily for the rest of his life.

Two weeks before, after their hike up the creek, it had been Heero's turn to head into town, with a Jeep full of laundry. Trowa and Jade had remained behind, scraping the house's exterior trim in preparation for painting, and Heero hadn't returned until nearly dusk. When he did, he unloaded the Jeep to reveal clean clothes, more paint, a hammock, and a box of gardening books, tools, and daffodil bulbs. Heero was adamant that the lady at the hardware store knew what she was talking about when she'd said bulbs had to be planted in the fall. After an evening perusing the gardening books, Trowa gave up and let Heero have his way.

The tall man paused by the mulched and neatly edged bed along the gravel road, and shook his head. He'd woken the next morning to find Heero already turning over the soil, checking the books repeatedly to make sure he was gardening properly. Jade sat nearby, finishing his breakfast while Ifrit perched on his shoulder. By noon, Heero had finished turning over half of the front flowerbed, the dirt black and heavy under the shovel. Jade followed behind, picking out clumps of grass and weed roots, shaking them out before setting them in a pile behind him. Ifrit, watching closely, had proceeded to snag each clump with his claws and shake it about in turn, usually tossing the clumps well into the air before they landed, scattered wildly about. When Trowa had discovered the cat's antics and pointed it out to Heero, who in turn got Jade's attention, it was the third time they'd heard Jade laugh.

That night, Trowa had awoken to find Heero crying silently in his sleep.

Trowa sighed, strolling away from the cabin and down the gravel road into the woods. Their days were routine now, with the only variation being what needed to be fixed. At each point they thought they'd be able to relax, something else around the house became an issue. Mondays were for grocery shopping and laundry. Tuesdays and Wednesdays were for working on the house. Thursdays they hiked, or fished in the deep pool just down from where the path from their back porch intersected the creek. Fridays were for house cleaning, which usually only took a half-day. They'd fallen into the habit of going into town on Friday afternoons, and the one small restaurant in town had already learned their habits, seemingly oblivious to Jade's downcast looks and complete silence. Saturdays and Sundays they continued to work around the house, with Sunday afternoons set aside for reading.

Over the two weeks, they'd managed to get Jade into wearing the braid for longer, until he'd become accustomed to keeping it in for up to a half-day. The only drawback they'd found was that if he were left alone while wearing the braid, he'd panic. He had to be in physical contact with one of them - or close enough to touch - while wearing it. At first they'd found it nearly suffocating, how closely he'd cling as they tried to complete each day's chores, but eventually it became just one more part of their days.

Trowa smiled to himself. Even now, he was finding that he felt odd, to not have Jade's fingers plucking at his shirt, or an arm wrapped around his waist in a quick, shy hug. To be out of the house and away, he thought, and shook his head, watching the road eaten up under his long strides.

He came around the bend in the road ten minutes later to find Quatre waiting by the gate. The blond man was leaning against the gate pole, his small blue car parked neatly next to Liddie's old truck. Trowa took a minute to admire how much his best friend had grown in ten years, and smiled to himself. Quatre would only blush and modestly deny any compliments, but it couldn't be denied that his wife had found herself a handsome man. The Arabian's blond hair and blue eyes were stunning, but more so on a frame that had grown tall and broad-shouldered, rivaling Trowa's own height.

"Tro," Quatre said, turning with a smile. His expression dimmed briefly, when he realized Trowa was alone, but he recovered quickly. "You look good."

"Thanks," Trowa replied, climbing gracefully over the gate to embrace Quatre tightly. They held on for just a minute, finally pulling apart with their hands on each other's shoulders. "I take it you're out of the dog house?"

The blond looked confused for a second, then laughed, abashed. "Not really. Emmy's saying we should get a dog, actually. And Laylah has one picked out already."

"One?" Trowa raised an eyebrow, motioning to a grassy area under the trees. Quatre followed, grinning as he scratched his head.

"Well, six or seven, to be truthful. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. I'm out-gunned on this one, I think."

"Don't look at me." Trowa grinned and sat cross-legged, his back against the tree. "I've been out of ammunition for years when it comes to animals. Besides," he added, his look turning playful, "you've stared down a large board of directors plenty of times. An eight-year old, a four year-old and a two-year old should be a piece of cake."

"That's what I would've thought," Quatre said, his tone plaintive. "But none of those old geezers on the board ever threatened to cry." His mournful look broke, however, quickly flashing into a wide grin. "And then Emmy threatened to cry, too, and I was done for."

Trowa laughed. Trying to imagine Quatre's headstrong, self-confident wife attempting the crying game was nearly as difficult as imagining Duo crying. The thought made him pause, and the laughter turned slightly choking. Seeing Quatre's raised eyebrows, Trowa merely shook his head, the mood broken.

"How are things?" Quatre's voice was soft, and slightly tentative.

"Better than I would have expected, but not half what I'd want," Trowa replied. He tugged at a blade of grass.

Quatre brought his knees up, wrapping his arms around his shins, and rest his chin on his knees as he stared at Trowa. "I brought some more stuff...for the three of you. I met with Relena for lunch on Monday. She had some things for Heero." A dimple flashed in Quatre's cheek. "And I brought you more books."

Trowa groaned. "I knew I should've driven the Jeep down."

"I don't have any information specific to what Duo went through, but we've dug up records on previous slave rings. And honestly, Trowa, with all the investigating that Wufei and I have been doing into their procedures, what point is there in protecting Duo? We have a pretty good idea already what they might have done," he added gently.

"We're not protecting him," Trowa said, his chin coming up. "We're protecting you. Both of you."

"From what? We were soldiers, too. We can handle it," Quatre retorted. His blue eyes flashed momentarily.

Trowa sighed, looking away. The last thing he wanted was to retread the old argument about Quatre's sheltered background, versus his own mercenary childhood. Trowa shook his head, and bent to study the grass by his feet.

"He might not." Trowa's voice dropped to a whisper. "There's a good chance that when this is done...if it's ever done...he may well hate Heero and I, for being there. For seeing him..."

"He'd never hate you. He's not like that," the other man insisted.

Trowa shook his head again. "You're wrong. Maxwell's never had much in the material sense, but he's always had his pride. And to see him so broken...I can only expect that this would grate on him, the fear that we helped because we pitied him. He would never be able to tolerate that."

"Do you?" Quatre shifted in place when Trowa didn't answer. "Do you pity him?"

There was a long silence, filled only by the sound of the wind passing through the trees overhead. A late-summer bumblebee flew past, the buzzing loud in Trowa's ears.

"No," Trowa finally said. "I...I'm not sure what I feel." He glanced at Quatre, daring the other man.

"You love him," Quatre said, and it was a simple fact.

"A little. I try. I always liked and admired Maxwell, even if he got on my nerves," Trowa admitted wryly. "But I wasn't _in_ love with him. And this isn't Maxwell, now. It's someone else. If I love this person, as he is now...I know that when Duo's back, and is himself, the one I learned to love won't be there anymore."

"And the one taking his place may resent you," Quatre finished calmly. "That's no reason to hold back, now."

"I never was one for holding back," Trowa pointed out, a little defensively. "In anything."

"Yes, you were." The blond chuckled softly. "But no, you weren't...and aren't...once you let someone in, that is. Have you let in this new person?"

Trowa considered the question carefully, for several heartbeats before answering. "I think so."

"And is Heero doing okay with this?" His tone was neutral.

"As best as he can, given it's Duo we're talking about. Jade is...he has different priorities. He sees us through different eyes. He wants..." Trowa halted, uncertain how to phrase it, and opted to switch topics mid-stream. "We make sure to have private time in our daily schedule, and that helps."

"Do you do the same for Duo?"

"Jade. He's Jade now."

"Jade," Quatre repeated. "Do you do the same for Jade? Does he get one-on-one time with each of you...for undivided attention?"

Trowa lifted his head, giving Quatre a sharp glance. The other man shook his head, a faint blush on his cheeks as he realized the implications.

"I didn't mean like that," Quatre explained. "I just wondered whether you remember that Jade would also want, and need, time with each of you."

"We do. But we don't schedule it specifically."

"Perhaps you should."

Trowa nodded, and shrugged just a little.

"Heero is uncomfortable with the idea that Jade has sexual interest in him. Or perhaps he's uncomfortable that Jade is interested in you?" Quatre's eyes were steady, and he didn't flinch when Trowa's head came up, Trowa's eyes narrowed. The blond raised an eyebrow. "You didn't honestly think I'd fall for your sidetracking, did you? This is me you're talking to. You've been cooped up for nearly a month, with just the three of you, and no real breaks. Talk to me."

"Yes, and yes," Trowa sighed. "It's not sharing that's the problem, now. We've become used to each other, in some ways. It's hard to be private when there's nowhere to go in the house that you can't hear what's going on elsewhere. And after a week of fighting with Jade to get him to wear clothes, I'm pretty much immune to the notion of modesty, now." He smiled a little crookedly, and tugged at another clump of grass. "It's that this isn't Maxwell. It's someone who has no ability to consent for himself. Treating him as a consenting adult simply isn't possible...and it goes against everything I believe in, to accept a sexual relationship with someone who is mentally not able to consent."

"And Heero?"

"He feels for Jade, and deeply. From what we've gathered, Jade believes his worth is based solely on whether or not I'm pleased." Trowa glanced up to see a look of shock flash across Quatre's face, and grimaced. "I...accidentally imprinted him, as his Master. So now I'm stuck in this, as deeply as Heero. But Jade is...a slave, trained for house and bed." Trowa looked away, unable to meet Quatre's eyes. "Every time we reject his advances, we're telling him that he's not good enough."

"You mean every time _you_ reject his advances."

"We...Heero...touched him, once." Trowa could feel a slight heat rising in his cheeks, and made a face. Haltingly, he told Quatre about the backrub. "I...told him he could have an orgasm." His voice cracked, and he swallowed hard before continuing. "Heero barely touched him, and he came almost instantly. We still don't understand, not really."

Quatre was silent for several minutes, staring off at something in the distance. "He's conditioned, Trowa. I'm guessing he hadn't had sexual release since you two found him, and from what Wufei and I have uncovered, these slaves are...trained to be highly...responsive."

Trowa grimaced, as his face got even hotter. "I've noticed. He interprets every little touch as sexual, but I guess I've learned to ignore it."

"That's what Duo would want," Quatre replied. "But it's not what Jade wants, or needs."

"How do you know?" Trowa frowned, studying his friend. "You said you have information about what he went through. Have you found anything on what they did to him?"

"Not really. We only have a general idea," came the hesitant reply. "But I know...what it's like to not be who you are, even if for only a short time. And you know what it's like, too." His gaze was direct, and frank. "Being with Cathy didn't bring your memory back. Seeing Duo didn't jar your memory, and seeing me didn't do it, either. Whatever unlocks a person's soul isn't something predictable. But in the meantime, you can't treat that person as though they're who you want them to be."

"I would rather..."

"Trowa, listen to me." Quatre's voice became stern. "When I was lost in the Zero system, you tried to reach me, by reaching _Quatre_. You couldn't do it, because that's not who I was. Heero treated me as what I was: a threat. I don't know how or why, but that reached me. Perhaps that's because, in that moment, that's what I truly was." His gaze softened. "It doesn't make you a failure, that you couldn't stop me."

Trowa couldn't say anything.

"I hated myself for a long time, for trying to kill you," the young man told him calmly. "I was ashamed. And I expect Duo...Jade...will be, too, for a while, until he reconciles the fact that while he was Jade, he was not Duo. The rules, somehow, are different, as a result. But as long as you react to him, as he is now..." He sighed, waving his hand in a vague motion. "See him as who he is, _now_ , and act accordingly. Trying to deal with him based on who he used to be...only confuses him and frustrates you."

"You're saying I should go against my principles," Trowa translated, his voice cold.

"I'm saying your principles as they apply to Duo...might not, to Jade. The fact that sex is now part of the issue is bound to make things complicated." Quatre smiled, his eyes kind. "It makes everything complicated, actually."

"It's already complicated." Trowa leaned back against the tree, and closed his eyes, trying to let the tension in his body drain away. After a minute, he gave up, knowing it wasn't working. "He won't wear his braid. It's taken us a month to get him to the point where he can wear it from breakfast to lunch before breaking down in a complete panic."

Quatre nodded. "It's a part of him. I imagine they tried to destroy anything that was a big part of his identity."

"He won't speak, either." Trowa opened his eyes, focusing on Quatre's hands, so calmly clasped around the other man's knees. "That's the hardest part. I keep expecting him to joke, or tease Heero, or chatter on about something. He won't talk, and he won't look either of us in the eyes."

Trowa's gaze lifted to watch Quatre's face, and he fell silent, recognizing his friend's contemplative expression. Quatre's brow was furrowed, and his eyes were unfocused, both signs that he was considering something very deeply, turning it over in his head. The auburn-haired man waited patiently, trusting his friend to speak when he was ready.

"You weren't trained by a scientist," Quatre said, his expression thoughtful. "You already knew how to pilot mobile suits, right? Did he do anything to you, to prepare for using Heavyarms?"

"Not really. I only had a few weeks between...taking over Heavyarms, and leaving for Earth. I was given a series of booster shots, to help my immune system, but that's it." Trowa cocked his head, waiting for Quatre to reveal his line of thinking.

"Same here, on the booster shots," Quatre said. "But I had two years of training on Sandrock, and received those shots numerous times. From what I understand, Heero had been trained and...engineered since he was eight. What do you know of Duo's history?"

Trowa shrugged. "Heero knows more about it, but all he's told me is that Duo snuck onto a ship, and impressed G so much he selected Duo to be the pilot. From there, they worked together for about two years. I recall Duo mentioning once, a year or so ago, that college was easy compared to the amount of studying he did while working with G."

"I've always suspected Duo's intelligence to be off the charts," Quatre murmured. "He can't be average intelligence and catch up that fast, considering he had next to no formal education prior to meeting G."

"I suppose so, now that you mention it." Trowa frowned slightly. "There was something he said once, as a joke...about osmosis."

"Absorption? What about it?"

"Sleeping while listening to tapes of his studies," Trowa explained. "He said that's how he passed classes and didn't collapse from sleep deprivation. He would laugh about sleeping with his head on the books, but he made some comment about G teaching him―"

Trowa broke off his words, seeing Quatre's shocked expression.

"Tro," Quatre said, rather breathlessly. "You said Jade imprinted on you as his Master. How? Did you show him something? Give him something? Or..." He left the question hanging.

"I read a sentence that was in the documents Heero and Une found...at the house where we found Jade. I didn't know what it'd do, but it was like hitting a switch. Why?"

"G used hypnotic suggestion, I'd bet," Quatre said. "Which means that Duo's susceptible. Drugs would have little effect on him, for the most part, and his strength and willpower are phenomenal, as well. But once you have a built-in access to someone's psyche, that's nearly impossible to remove. Or to protect against," he added.

"Words." Trowa frowned again, turning the idea over in his head. "But physical touch seems to be the only way to get through to him, now. It's like words don't have even half the value they once did, for Duo, at least."

"Maybe you're saying the wrong things." Quatre sighed, and stood up, brushing off the seat of his jeans. "Look, it's nearly lunchtime, and I didn't bring anything with me. Do you want to...do you have time to...go with me, and get something to eat? Then we can come back and figure out how to get the contents of my car up to your house."

"Lunch would be good," Trowa replied, also standing up. "Look, I'm sorry about making you stay away―"

"It's okay," Quatre interrupted. "I do understand. I just don't want to, but I guess you know how that feels."

"All too well," Trowa said.

 

 

 

Through lunch, Quatre seemed to understand that Trowa needed a break, and the blond kept the conversation light. Comfortable doing most of the talking, as he had done for the majority of their decade-long friendship, Quatre regaled Trowa with details about Laylah's first summer camp, Rashid's experiences babysitting Yasmeen, and the kindergarten marriage pact between his middle daughter and Auda's first son. It revolved around a broken Popsicle, Quatre reported. Emmy had been promoted, and was now working directly with Relena on peace-building projects, and Quatre had at least a half-hour of Preventer gossip that had Trowa alternately shaking his head and laughing.

Back in the car, however, the conversation turned serious. Quatre's hand was rubbing against the gearshift as they sat at the town's only light, and Trowa recognized the signs. Shifting in his seat, he gave his friend a level stare.

"Out with it," Trowa ordered. "We've covered everything else."

"It's the investigation," Quatre replied. "I know...I'm sure you want to know as much as you can, and I'm sure you want these bastards shut down. It's a Preventer top priority, now."

"I'm waiting for the 'but'..."

"Right." Quatre sighed, and a rueful grin flashed across his face, causing the dimple to flicker. "The...organization is seriously underground. Whatever happened four months ago, after Duo disappeared...they've not come back up even half as active as they were. We're not sure, but we think they figured out somehow that Duo was with the Preventers. This is probably why they staged his death. Frankly, it would have been idiotic in the extreme to snag an undercover Preventer on purpose. They were caught off-guard, and now they're being very careful."

"I figured as much." Trowa leaned back in the seat, and watched the town buildings give way to old houses. "Waiting a month to provide a reason for his disappearance was sloppy on their part."

"Wufei is going undercover as a potential buyer. He's got the aristocratic pedigree, and one of his distant cousins has agreed to allow his identity to be used, so that eases the difficulty of creating a full, searchable background." Quatre slowed at the stop sign, and glanced at Trowa.

"Right turn," Trowa told him.

"Thanks. So...it's going to take two months, minimum, before Wufei's cleared for attending an auction. Une is insistent that we wait until we know all the players are present. She doesn't want anyone getting away, and right now, we barely know where they're located, let alone who's responsible for running the operation."

"Two months." Trowa rubbed his forehead, and watched the road. "Up at the next intersection, take a left."

Quatre nodded. "Once we can get in, we'll take it down. And then we'll raze them to the ground, and bring you all the information we can find about how they...created Jade, and what they did to him."

"Two months," the auburn-haired man repeated, and sighed.

They were silent until Quatre pulled up into Liddie's driveway, and parked in front of the gate. He shut off the engine, and turned to Trowa, his expression conflicted.

"There's one other thing," Quatre said quietly. "I...owe Heero an apology. I understand that I can't give it to him now, but please tell him for me, and I'll tell him whenever I can see him myself. I...Wufei and I...are terribly sorry that we encouraged Heero to accept Duo's MIA status as final. We...we doubted his belief that our friend was alive, and―"

"You don't have to say this, Quat," Trowa replied. "I wasn't exactly supportive myself. Heero's insistence that Duo didn't show up on the tapes wasn't exactly convincing. Duo didn't like being taped. He rarely shows up on surveillance tapes in the course of a regular day, let alone while moving through a crowded airport. Old habits, I figured."

"Doesn't change the fact that we should have believed Heero," Quatre said stubbornly. "We should have worked harder to help, instead of breaking up Duo's stuff among us four as though Duo were dead and buried. I'd say we all know how easily life can be lost, but our histories are no excuse for such callousness."

Trowa was silent for several heartbeats, but finally nodded with a tight smile. "I'll tell him."

"Thanks. So...about the stuff in my car?" Quatre looked over his shoulder at the back seat, crammed with boxes and bags. "There's more in the trunk, too."

"Would you mind if I drove the car up, unloaded it, and returned it to you? Shouldn't take more than a half-hour."

Quatre gave Trowa a long look, then grinned. "You just want to take out the oil pan on yet another car of mine."

The taller man groaned and reached for the keys. "That was not on purpose. There was no way I could know the clearance on a TGR-17 was only nine inches. I'd never driven one before!"

The blond grinned and got out of the car, stepping aside as Trowa came around to get in the driver's seat. "Hurt this baby and I'll see to it you never have children, Trowa," he warned, but his eyes were amused.

"Don't want any," the other man growled. "You've got enough for both of us."

"Sure about that? Going cheap. Cheaper if they keep hounding me." Quatre grinned widely. "Pun intended."

Trowa shook his head and started the engine, pulling the car up the driveway. In the rear view mirror he could see Quatre laughing, as the man leaned against the gate pole, waiting for Trowa's return.

 

 

 

The car was unloaded and returned in record time, with Trowa merely shaking his head when Heero tried to ask about Quatre. Returning the car, Trowa accepted one last hug from Quatre before watching his friend drive off. He waited for a long time, watching the dust settle in the hot September day, and turned around, heading back for the cabin. When he got there, Jade was perched on the step, Ifrit in his lap. Jade wasn't wearing his braid, and his hair fluttered around him as he came running down to meet Trowa at the edge of the road.

Trowa smiled, and draped his arm over Jade's shoulder, hugging the silent man closely as they walked up to the house. Inside, the living room was a wreck, boxes stacked behind the sofa, and bags covering the sofa and chairs.

"What is this stuff?" Trowa opened one box, and realized it was nothing but books. "We're going to need to build more shelves, I think."

"Books in those six boxes," Heero said, coming down the steps from the loft. He was carrying something dark in his hand. "Bags of clothes that Quatre had saved...including this." He held it out as he came to stand in front of Jade.

It was Duo's old priest shirt, from the One Year War.

Trowa held his breath, as Jade's fingers reached out, smoothing down the fabric. There was a thin line between Jade's brows, and the silent man seemed lost in concentration. Finally he drew his hand back, slipping a little behind Trowa and ducking his head.

Heero sighed and dropped his hand, clenching the fabric tightly as he exhaled through his teeth. "Shit," he muttered, and gave Trowa a sorrowful look. "I'll put it away, then. Two of those boxes are power tools, and there are bags of linens and blankets for wintertime. I'd be willing to bet that's Emmy's doing."

"Probably." Trowa frowned, seeing an unwieldy black case peeking out from under two of the bags. "What's that?" He hadn't seen it while they had unpacked the backseat and trunk, but he'd been in a rush to return the car.

"It's Relena's guitar."

"Relena plays guitar?" Trowa gave Heero a surprised look. "I never knew that."

"Well, she didn't, actually," Heero replied, his face coloring slightly. "I played. She gave it to me on our one-year anniversary, and when we separated, I gave it back to her. There's a note from Quatre in the case, and I think I saw a flute case in one of the boxes."

Trowa's expression went from surprised to shocked. "Quatre's flute?"

Heero nodded, leaning over the back of the sofa to push the bags aside. He pulled out the guitar case and flipped the top open, revealing an acoustic twelve-string guitar in some exotic red wood. Tucked into the interior of the lid was a creamy envelope. Heero handed it to Trowa, who turned it over in his hands before sliding the single card out. Quatre's graceful hand swooped across the page, a delicate but emphatic series of curves.

_'Sometimes, where words can't reach, music can.'_

Trowa glanced up from the note, and smiled at Heero. "Guess we should fit practice time into the schedule, too," he said.


	12. rain falls

Despite your cries  
Young buck  
Rain falls on the mountain  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero put the guitar away, and flexed his fingers. Trowa was staring into the fire, watching the flames lick at the underside of the log. Jade was on the other end of the sofa, Ifrit on his chest, and both were dozing. The day had been spent digging a trench from the generator to the house. Trowa and Heero did the majority of the work, although Jade filled in while either took a break. The cat, Heero figured, was probably exhausted from talking so much about the adventure, from his constant perch on Jade's or Trowa's shoulder.

At least now, the dark-haired man told himself, the power cord is buried before winter, and the study is wired for basic electricity without requiring the window to be open a notch for the cord.

"Bed?" Trowa's voice was groggy, and he stood with a yawn. His green eyes studied Heero for a minute, then swung to consider Jade.

Heero watched, setting the guitar case by the shelves. Jade set Ifrit on the sofa, ignoring the kitten's plaintive cries, and stood, backing up to Trowa. His request was clear: he wanted the braid undone. Trowa raised his hand, then paused, and set his hand on Jade's shoulder. Leaning over to whisper in the shorter man's ears, Trowa glanced at Heero, his expression intent.

"I have a better idea." Trowa guided Jade around the sofa. Heero turned down the living room's hurricane lamp and smiled wryly at Jade's baffled expression.

In the loft, Heero stripped off his sweater, watching as Trowa lowered the flame on the bedside table's hurricane lamp. Trowa turned to Jade, stopping the silent man from kneeling down to pull out the single mattress. Heero unbuttoned his shirt, watching as Trowa set his hands on Jade's shoulders.

"Jade, it's time you start wearing the braid for more than just a half-day at a time." Trowa paused, and Heero could see Trowa slowly let out a breath. Trowa's shoulders relaxed just a bit, and Trowa smiled gently at the downcast expression on Jade's face. "If we take out the braid, you sleep on your bed. Or, if you leave the braid in...you can sleep with us."

Heero raised an eyebrow. They had discussed Trowa's idea, the afternoon before during their private time, but he'd been under the impression that the idea had been tabled until the right time. He frowned slightly, watching Jade hesitate. The silent man pulled his short braid around, rubbing his fingertips against the blunt end as his gaze wavered between the end of the bed, and the head of it. Heero cleared his throat, and crossed his arms when Trowa looked his way.

Now is the time, Trowa's gaze said, answering Heero's unspoken comment.

Jade moved then, flinging his braid over his shoulder as he pulled his shirt over his head, and began yanking down his jeans. Trowa's eyebrows went up, and he moved instantly to halt Jade's undressing.

"We wear pajamas to bed," he said. "Get your sweatpants and a t-shirt."

Decision made, Heero sighed mentally, and dumped his shirt in the dirty clothes hamper, before digging through the dresser for a shirt to wear. Dressing for bed, he thought grimly. This had better not be an every-night routine.

Pulling on some sweatpants, the dark-haired man crawled into bed as Trowa joined him, followed by Jade a second later. Heero turned on his side to face Trowa, as Jade snuggled up on the other side. Heero was disconcerted to discover Jade's hand wrapping itself around Trowa's chest, and he struggled with a flare of jealousy. The feeling was muted almost immediately, however, when Jade's hand continued to seek, falling still only once it was laying over Heero's. Together their two hands rested over Trowa's heart, and Heero smiled to himself, seeing Jade's body tucked up against Trowa's side, his head resting on Trowa's shoulder as the silent man drifted into sleep.

 

 

 

"...suggest you...pathetic excuse..."

Heero woke up to find the loft shrouded in darkness, but he could hear someone speaking. It was a mumbling sound, and he strained to make out the words. The moon came out from behind the clouds, and the room was bathed in silvery light.

"...when I'm...take your..."

It was Duo's voice.

"...have thirty...hit the..."

He raised his head, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the moon's soft light coming in through the window over the bed. Trowa's eyes were open, and focused on Jade, who was lying with his head on Trowa's chest. Heero stared, seeing the intense frown on Jade's face, the lines of anger and pain clearly etched in the moonlight.

"...get..."

Heero glanced at Trowa, who shook his head, the barest movement.

"...the knife, get the knife..."

The two men were perfectly still, and Jade's right hand began clenching and unclenching, fisting in Trowa's shirt. Heero raised a hand, ready to reach for Jade, but pulled it back, uncertain.

"...get the knife, get the knife, get the knife..."

The mutterings grew stronger, the face contorted in concentration. Heero wasn't positive, but it wasn't the tone of someone begging or crying. It was a strong, insistent whisper, as though Jade were urging someone on.

"...get the knife, get the knife―"

Jade's voice went up, from the monotonous whisper to a speaking tone, and past that.

"Get the _knife!_ "

Jade's shriek split the air and his eyes came wide open. Jade threw himself backwards off the bed, screaming as he reached for his braid. Trowa was out of the bed after Jade instantly. He wrapped his arms around the twisting body, pushing Jade's head against his shoulder, trying to calm the terrified man. Jade's legs kicked, and his anklet bells clamored with every movement. Heero followed a second later, stunned to see Jade get his arm away from Trowa's grasp, waving it around as though trying to reach behind him.

"The braid, the braid," Trowa yelled, grabbing for Jade's free arm.

Heero nodded, yanking the hair-band off the end of the braid and unraveling it as quickly as he could manage. Jade continued to shriek; struggling against Trowa's hold while Heero ran his fingers through the man's hair. Only once the braid was completely undone did Jade start to calm, his shrieking dying into sobs as he clung to Trowa. Heero knelt down behind Jade, hugging both of the other men tightly as they huddled on the floor.

Finally Trowa pulled back a little, wiping Jade's tear-stained face with his fingers. "Jade...you were having a nightmare."

Jade nodded, backing away as he stripped off his shirt and pants. Confused, Heero looked over to see a flash of pain across Trowa's face as Jade knelt, his forehead pressed to the floor, clearly seeking forgiveness.

"No, no," Trowa said. "Put your pajamas back on. It's not your fault you had a nightmare. We're not mad...we're worried." Picking up Jade's shirt, he pulled it over the silent man's head. "Jade, you were talking in your sleep."

Jade moaned and knelt again. His forehead cracked against the floorboard, he bowed so quickly. Trowa winced and reached out, lifting Jade up, keeping him from bowing again.

"Why won't you talk to us?" Heero crept forward, his gaze intent on Jade's averted face. "You can talk. We heard you. We _want_ you to talk." Never thought I'd say that to Duo, the dark-haired man thought, and pushed away the sudden urge to laugh bitterly. Before he could say more, Trowa interrupted.

"Let's deal with this in the morning." His tone was weary, and he gave Heero a sad look over Jade's head.

Jade nodded slowly, and reached for his sweatpants. Pulling them on in a soft chime of bells, he moved around Heero to begin pushing at his mattress to pull it out from under the bed. He paused once, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand as he sniffled. Heero frowned, and jerked his head at Trowa. The taller man raised an eyebrow, but climbed into bed.

Heero yawned, and decided to forgo the pleasantries, at a loss as to what to say. Instead, he grabbed Jade around the waist. In one swift move, he deposited Jade on the bed and yanked the covers up over Jade. "You wore the braid tonight, so this is where you sleep tonight." Giving Jade a stern look, he did his best to ignore the way Trowa's startled expression was melting into amused satisfaction. Trotting around the end of the bed, Heero crawled under the blankets, taking up his place on Trowa's other side.

"Have I mentioned recently that you're sexy when you're forceful?" Trowa's tone was dry.

"I'm sleeping now," Heero informed him stiffly. "If you don't mind."

"Not at all."

The room fell silent, except for Jade's sniffles, which soon died away as Jade drifted back into sleep. Trowa followed soon after, his breathing evening into a long, shallow sound, but Heero remained where he was, watching the sleeping faces of the two people most dear to him. Only once the moon set behind the trees, plunging the room into deep darkness, did Heero let his own dreams take him.

 

 

 

Monday morning, the three woke at nearly the same time, with Jade excused to start breakfast while Trowa and Heero remained in bed. They said nothing, but simply held each other closely, silently seeking and granting forgiveness for the change in the sleeping arrangements. Heero was certain Trowa was also considering the nightmare - and Jade's speaking voice - but neither broached the subject. It was Trowa's turn to head into town for a laundry run and groceries, while Heero spent the day with Jade. It took the first half of the day to trim back the overgrown hedges ringing the small field in front of the house. Heero worked diligently while Jade collected the branches and dumped them in the woods. After lunch, the two donned gloves and pulled down the ivy infesting the back of the barn.

When Trowa returned at mid-afternoon, he came with a scythe for Heero to use cutting the long grass in the front yard. There was a moment, when Trowa unloaded it from the back of the Jeep, when Heero realized he was waiting for Jade to fade into Duo. He was waiting for Duo to laugh and grab the scythe. But Jade hadn't moved, simply watching Trowa's hand on the long crosspiece. Jade shifted as Ifrit crawled from his chest to his shoulder, then moved past Trowa to pick up the basket of laundry and carry it into the house.

It took Heero several minutes to get the hang of the scythe, but soon he was sweating freely in the late September sun as Trowa and Jade rocked together on the hammock. Stopping to catch his breath and regard the chopped area with satisfaction, Heero glanced up to see Jade's head resting on Trowa's chest, and he was shocked to find a sense of completeness, rather than jealousy.

As Heero watched, the auburn-haired man turned and planted a gentle kiss on Jade's forehead. Jade returned the action by hugging Trowa closely for a second. Trowa smiled, leaning his head back as his hand continued to stroke Jade's braid, laying across his shoulder and down his arm.

Heero smiled and turned back to finish the yard. It no longer felt acceptable to resent any attention Jade might receive from Trowa. Instead, it felt right, as though having Jade close by, attentive if silent, was simply part of the days. Since Quatre's visit four days ago, Trowa had begun encouraging Heero to lay with Jade on the sofa while reading the next chapter of their current book, or to kiss the silent man goodnight on the forehead before climbing into bed. Trowa's jealousy at being left out seemed to have subsided, and Heero realized his own jealousy was fading, as well. They'd both done their best to explain to Jade, as explicitly and gently as possible, that sexual attention would be rare, but Jade seemed to be content with what they were willing to give.

And I am willing, Heero realized. He smiled, pleased at his quiet epiphany. Sharing love didn't diminish it.

The thought of sharing made Heero contemplate the sleeping arrangements again. Trowa had mentioned in passing, while unloading the Jeep, that he had spent several hours giving serious thought to the conversation they'd had about the trunk. He had some ideas, and seemed to imply they were related to Heero's explanation that the trunk was a type of security blanket for Jade. Heero had been about to ask for details, but refrained, deciding merely to grant Trowa silent permission, trusting his lover's instincts. At least tonight they would sleep without Jade, and give the silent man a break from wearing the braid before trying again.

 

 

 

Tuesday after lunch, Ifrit threw up.

Trowa was measuring for shelves in the kitchen, and Heero was noting down the measurements of the cabinets, which were rotting on the walls. They'd moved a number of the dishes to stack along the counter, rather than risk the shelves collapsing under the weight. Heero heard the noise first, and dropped what he was doing, heading into the living room to find Jade hovering anxiously over the kitten. He was pushed aside by Trowa, who'd grabbed paper towels.

Heero pulled Jade out of the way, hugging Jade as he whimpered. Trowa cleaned up after the cat, and was silent for a moment before standing up, his face pale. The cat was cradled in his arms.

"I've got to take him into town," he said quietly. "There's blood in the vomit. He's probably okay, but I'd rather have the vet check him out." He smiled at Jade, but the expression was strained. "I'd bet that Iffy ate something that didn't agree with him. I'll be back soon. I'll call from the vet's and let you know." He disappeared into the kitchen, putting the cat on his shoulder as he transferred the bundle of paper towels to a plastic container. Pausing only to grab the car keys and give Heero a quick kiss, Trowa was out the door.

Jade moaned as the door closed behind Trowa, and Heero sighed, hugging Jade tightly. "It's okay, Jade, it's not your fault. Cats sometimes get sick, but I'm sure he'll be okay. Trowa's going to make sure he's okay." Jade shivered in his arms, and Heero hugged him closer. "Here, let's sit down and read while we wait."

It only took two minutes for Jade's nervousness to get to Heero, and he set the book down with a sigh. The silent man was perched on the edge of the sofa, his fingers clutching the hem of his shirt as he started at every little noise outside. Heero ran his fingers through his hair, and wondered what to do. Sighing, he smiled ruefully at his own forgetfulness.

"Jade, go get your pillow, and have a seat."

Security blanket, Heero reminded himself. Jade's anklets clattered as he dashed into the study, returning in a moment with the pillow and settling it down by the fireplace. As Jade sank gracefully into his standard kneeling position, Heero was startled see the silent man calm down almost instantly. The dark-haired man was quiet for several minutes, his fingers tapping on his knees as he leaned back on the sofa. Pondering Trowa's comment about spending time one-on-one with Jade, he smiled ruefully.

Duo would never believe this, he thought, and pushed away the pang stabbing into his heart.

"It all started when you set us up on that double date," Heero began. "Remember? You told us it was just friends getting together, and then you and your boyfriend kept pouring shots down our throats and left us at the bar without a ride home. I never did thank you for that, did I." He chuckled. "I'm still not sure, since I woke up with a killer headache, but at least I wasn't alone in the headache. I bet you even found a way to bribe the forces of nature to pour down rain on us, the whole nine-block walk back to my apartment."

A thin line formed between Jade's brows, but his head was tilted forward, as he listened intently.

"After you...disappeared...I took some time off from Trowa. I just...I needed to find you. I was your contact, and I kept thinking if I could just look hard enough, dig a little more, I'd find you. I thought maybe being back on L2 was too much for you, seeing all those kids you couldn't save. That would be like you, to head off to take care of them, and see it as a higher priority, because it was _your_ priority. I'm not sure, now, if that's true, but that's what I told myself. I couldn't think of any other reason you'd walk away from a promise you'd made, unless you found a promise even more important. I wasn't willing to accept that you'd gone down with some shuttle when I had no proof you were on it."

Jade cocked his head to the side, frowning.

"Trowa was pretty lonely, I guess. We saw each other once or twice a week, but I was distant, too preoccupied. So Quatre..." Heero leaned back and stared at the vaulted ceiling, staring at the buttery-cream color Trowa had selected. "He was out somewhere, he said, and he just found this kitten. I'm not sure precisely his reasoning, but he dropped it off at Trowa's. His eldest daughter was with him. She'd named the cat. I heard she would have been crying for giving the cat away, if her allergies hadn't made her eyes swell up so badly they were nearly shut."

The silent man shifted a little in place, his hands behind his back as he leaned forward.

"So Trowa took in Ifrit, and got him checked out. The kitten wasn't even weaned yet, and all the hours I spent at the computer, trying to find you, Trowa was spending with a bottle in one hand and a kitten in the other." Heero sighed, remembering his friends' attempts to get him to walk away from his self-appointed task. It took Trowa, showing up with the cat and refusing to leave, to get him to stop neglecting the rest of his friendships out of guilt over Duo. "He had a bag of cat food in one hand, and a bag of human food in the other, and the kitten on his shoulder. He said if I shut the door in his face, he'd wait outside. Said he had enough food for a week, for both of them. So I let him in..."

 

 

 

Trowa called two hours later, with good news. It was blood, but the kitten's vitals had checked out, and the vet felt the cat would be fine, as long as they kept an eye on him. It was a considerably less tense pair that awaited Trowa's return, despite the fact that Heero felt like he'd gone hoarse from the constant talking.

When the Jeep pulled up in front of the cabin, Heero met Trowa at the door. A fine rain was starting to fall, and the drops caught in Trowa's hair and matted the kitten's fur. Ifrit was deposited onto Jade's shoulder, and Jade smiled happily, nuzzling the damp kitten as he headed into the kitchen to start dinner. The kitten was already meowing repeatedly, with Jade returning the conversation quietly. Trowa's first words were the last ones Heero expected.

"Would you mind getting the trunk from the barn before the rain gets worse?" The sound of dishes clattering in the kitchen sink made it clear he was overheard. Trowa winced, and lowered his voice further. "I did a lot of thinking about the stuff I've been reading, and the nightmare the other night. Put the trunk in the study, and turn on the computer. There's a document on the desktop with my notes. I'll help Jade with dinner while you read."

Heero gave Trowa a pointed look, then nodded as he left the house. He could hear Trowa reassuring Jade, and picked up the sound of Jade's whimpers. He sighed and headed to the barn, returning several minutes later with the trunk on his shoulder. It wasn't heavy, but definitely bulky, and he grunted as he set the trunk down under the window. He ran his hands through his wet hair, and wiped them on his jeans before seating himself at the desk in the corner of the study. He clicked on the laptop, listening to the sound of rain patter against the tin roof. It sounded like Jade's anklets were dancing over his head. Heero smiled at the image, and when the screen flickered into life, he clicked on the waiting document. Leaning his cheek on his fist, he began to read.

 

 

 

Heero entered the study once he finished cleaning up after dinner. "Ifrit's asleep. Should I close the door?"

"Please." Trowa looked up, giving the dark-haired man a tense smile. "Test those, would you?" The auburn-haired man scooted back, out of the way, revealing a series of eyebolts sunk deep into the studs in the corner of the room. Heero knelt and grabbed a hold of one, exerting a good deal of strength before releasing with a grunt and trying the next.

Settling back on his haunches, Heero turned to study Jade, who was waiting in the corner. Jade was on his pillow by the desk, his head down, his entire body quivering. He was naked except for his anklets and the silver pendant around his neck, and white-knuckled, gripping the edge of the pillow.

"I can't get much leverage on them," Heero told Trowa, pulling his attention back to the task at hand.

Trowa turned towards the window, feeling along the lid of the trunk for several seconds before finding the clasp. Over his head, Heero noted the water streaking on the panes as the rain continued to fall. Lifting the first tray out of the way, Trowa pulled out one of the chains. There was a clasp on each end, and Trowa hooked it on the bolt, handing the chain to Heero. "Try now," he said.

Heero was able to move the bolt a quarter-inch before Trowa stopped him.

"That's good enough," Trowa said. "Jade, come here, and bring your pillow."

"Tro," Heero warned. "Are you..."

A single look from Trowa, and Heero raised his eyebrows, setting his jaw as he thought for a moment before giving his consent. Backing out of the way, he watched as Jade crawled into the corner, pushing his pillow into place before settling down on it, facing Trowa. The auburn-haired man took a deep breath and pulled out the wrist cuffs, fiddling with the buckles for several minutes before strapping them closed around Jade's wrists. Next, he placed a collar around Jade's neck, making sure the silent man's hair and pendant were both out of the way.

"Here," he said, handing Heero the ankle cuffs.

Heero nodded and bent to the task, remembering the directions Trowa had culled from several sites. He slipped the cuff under Jade's pliant ankle, and buckled the strap. Trowa had Jade come up on his knees, and was buckling the thigh straps on. As Heero finished tightening the second ankle strap to a good fit, Trowa began hooking chains to various points on the cuffs, and then to the wall. Heero sat back, curious, but unwilling to interrupt Trowa's concentration. At each touch of the chains against his flesh, Jade shivered visibly but didn't make a sound. Jade's chin sunk down farther when Trowa dug around in the tray and brought out a blindfold. Buckling it at the back of Jade's lowered head, he took a minute to pull Jade's hair out of the way, tucking it over his shoulder.

Jade stirred, the chains clattering for a second, but he had little mobility. His wrists were hooked to each other behind the small of his back, and chained in turn to the collar and from there to an eyebolt just behind Jade's head. Heero observed the chains attached to the ankle and thigh cuffs, but made little effort to study the exact pattern Trowa had devised for rendering Jade stationary.

This is not the same, he reminded himself, and took a deep breath. This is Trowa. I trust him with my life. I will trust him with my best friend's life. Heero closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax, and waited for Trowa's lead. There is safety in knowing... Heero corrected himself automatically, as the thoughts sped through his mind. Jade will feel safer, knowing he's unable to move, unable to do anything but obey.

"Now, Jade," Trowa said, turning the lamp down until it was just barely enough to light the room. The auburn-haired man sat cross-legged on the pillow in front of Jade, his knees against Jade's. "Everything comfortable? Do you feel okay?"

There was a pause, and Jade nodded several times, a little hesitantly.

"Are you sure?" Trowa's voice dropped to a coaxing whisper.

Jade nodded again, more firmly this time.

"Good. Can you get free?" Trowa threw Heero an indecipherable look. "Try," he said.

The chains clattered as Jade pulled against them, and wriggled in place. He couldn't move more than an inch in any direction, between the chains on his thighs pulling his legs apart and forward, and the chains behind him keeping his ankles and wrists back. Jade's chest was forward, his stomach sunk in, his hips tilted up a little, and Heero closed his eyes, bracing himself as he reminded himself sternly that any conflict between himself and Trowa would have to happen outside of Jade's presence.

"I'm your Master, Jade," Trowa said, his voice a lulling but strong whisper. "Everything you do, I control. In this way, I keep you safe. Nothing can hurt you. Surrender to me, and let me decide for you."

Jade quivered, and Heero winced as the silent man's erection began to harden between his legs. He could see Jade chew at his lower lip before dropping his chin with a sigh. At that single movement, all the tension seemed to drain from Jade's body, and he visibly relaxed into his bindings.

"When I tell you to do something," Trowa continued, watching Jade closely, "you do it because pleasing me is your only goal. Focus on my pleasure, Jade. Focus on what I want."

Jade didn't nod, but his muscles tightened in his chest, as he seemed to lean into the sound of Trowa's voice.

"I want..." Trowa paused, and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out as he watched Jade. His hand crept towards Heero, who grabbed it, surprised at how tightly Trowa clung to him. "I want you to tell me your name."

Heero blinked, and looked at Trowa, who was studying Jade intently.

The chains rattled as Jade took a deep breath and shrunk in on himself, caving his chest and stomach in. He began to bow, but couldn't do more than lower his head, due to the chain attached to the collar around his neck.

"Focus on me," Trowa murmured. "You're safe here. I'll protect you. Tell me your name."

Jade began to shiver, his mouth moving soundlessly.

"Tell me..."

Jade shook his head, then stopped, terror radiating from his body. Heero winced as Trowa's hold on his hand became unbearably strong. Acting on impulse and instinct alone, Heero moved to sit behind Trowa, embracing Trowa from behind, and pushing him towards Jade. Trowa understood immediately, and reached out to run his hands up and down Jade's arms, down his chest, and across the tops of his thighs. Jade's breathing evened out, and he raised his head to reveal tears leaking out from under the blindfold.

"Tell me..."

Jade opened his mouth, his lips moving haltingly.

"Nothing will hurt you here," Trowa said, his voice a honeyed balm as he continued to stroke Jade's arms and shoulders. "You can speak. It's safe. I'm here."

The only sound was a long hiss, and Jade moaned, his entire body shaking.

"Did someone else tell you that speaking is a bad thing?"

The silent man shivered, then nodded several times.

"Have I ever told you that I prefer you silent?" Trowa never stopped his hands' motion, up and down Jade's arms. His voice was pitched low, the tone almost monotonous.

There was a pause, and Jade shook his head, just once.

"I'm your Master. My rules are the only ones that matter."

When Jade didn't move, Trowa ran his fingertips down Jade's thighs, and the silent man arched into the touch. Heero loosened his hold on Trowa, granting the taller man space to open his legs, moving forward until Jade's knees were against his thighs. Heero moved forward as well, keeping contact between his chest and Trowa's back.

"My rules, Jade," Trowa repeated. "My pleasure. Forget what others told you. Listen to me." His fingers danced across Jade's arms, and up to smooth the silent man's hair back. "I want you to tell me your name."

Jade's mouth opened and closed several times, before he made a choking sound.

"Tell me."

"Ja...de," Jade said, his voice cracking. "Mas..." he added, and sobbed, his head hanging forward as his body shook.

Trowa didn't flinch, nor did his hands stop. He continued to stroke up Jade's arms, down his chest, across his hips and down his thighs to his knees, before shifting his fingers to Jade's elbows and beginning again with the repetitive motion.

"Yes, good, good," the auburn-haired man whispered in a soothing tone. "Focus on me. Focus on my touch. Focus on my words. Tell me...what do you want?"

Jade's sobs caught in his throat. The chains rattled as he shifted, trying to lean closer to Trowa.

"Tell me," Trowa said.

Heero realized he'd been holding his breath, and buried his face in the back of Trowa's neck. He could feel Trowa's body swaying forwards and back as the other man continued to reassure the sobbing Jade with physical touch. Heero moved with Trowa, letting the rhythmic motion relax him as he fought to keep from panicking. He knew Jade needed Trowa's voice and presence as a focus, but memories were pushing their way up to the surface, and he felt like he was choking, unable to speak, unable to protest. Please, no, he thought, I'll do it right the next time, I promise. He pressed forward, clinging to Trowa as a shield against the blow he was certain would land any minute.

"Heero," Trowa whispered, pausing to twist in place. "Heero..."

"I'm here," Heero finally managed to say. He swallowed hard, and kept his face against Trowa's shirt. "I'll be okay," he said, his voice muffled. "He spoke...keep going."

"You can―"

"I'm staying," Heero hissed, his fingers tightening around Trowa's waist. "Keep going."

There was a movement as Trowa nodded, and turned back to face Jade. "Jade...it's okay, it's okay, you're doing well," Trowa whispered.

Shit, now Jade knows something's wrong, and thinks it's his fault, Heero berated himself. Taking a long breath, he forced his muscles to relax, releasing some of his tight hold around Trowa's waist and focusing on the sound of rain on the roof to distance himself momentarily. After several deep breaths, he blinked, raising his head to look over Trowa's shoulder to see Jade's body calming as well. Jade sniffled, and hiccupped, but continued to lean into Trowa's touch.

"Tell me, Jade," Trowa whispered. "What do you want? You're safe. Nothing's going to hurt you. I'll protect you. Tell me what you want."

Jade's mouth opened and closed several more times, and he shuddered.

"That's right..."

"Plea...se...my...Mas..." Jade's voice broke off with another sob, and he twisted violently in the chains. They rattled with his movements as he thrashed, unable to move more than a few inches in any direction. "Please..." Jade moaned again, shaking harder.

Trowa lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Jade, tucking the crying man's head under his chin. Heero nearly fell backwards from losing his grip on Trowa, but caught himself in time, watching as Jade sobbed against Trowa's chest. The taller man was up on his knees, straddling Jade's thighs as he cradled the crying man against his chest.

"Tro," Heero murmured. "Should we..." He didn't finish the sentence, as Trowa sat back down, his hands returning to stroke Jade's chest and thighs. "Are you..."

"Yes," Trowa said, turning his head to glance over his shoulder. He twisted a little and gave Heero a quick kiss on the cheek. "Almost there," he said, and his green eyes were bright in the lamp's glow. "Jade, one more...just one more question. You're doing really well. Focus on me, focus on my touch. You're safe here. You can speak, and nothing will hurt you."

Heero could feel Trowa's chest rise and fall as the man took a deep breath, held it, and slowly released it.

"You've done wonderfully, and you deserve a reward," Trowa murmured. "But if you want a reward, you'll have to tell me what you want."

This is it, Heero thought, watching over Trowa's shoulder as Jade's crying faded. Tears continued to drip out from under the blindfold, and Jade bit his lower lip, apparently deep in thought. Trowa repeated the gentle orders as he continued to run his fingertips across Jade's arms and shoulders. Heero watched intently as Jade opened his mouth, closed it again, and then took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"Mas...ter..." Jade's voice was barely a whisper. "Wan...to..."

"Tell me," Trowa urged gently.

"Give..." Jade flinched, seemingly shocked at the sound of his own voice. He twisted for a second in the chains, quieting down only after several more seconds of Trowa's touch across his skin.

"Give what, Jade?"

"You...pleas....ure..." Jade pulled his chin up, arching his body forward.

The chains were taut behind him, the collar pulling at his throat as he leaned towards Trowa. His entire body was quivering, and Heero glanced down to see Jade's muscles firmly defined in his stomach and arms, and his erection dark red and weeping. Heero gritted his teeth, and closed his eyes, listening to the rain dancing on the roof as Jade and he waited for Trowa's response.


	13. two pine trees

Autumn is leaving  
Tugging each others' branches  
Two pine trees  
_―_ Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Trowa took a deep breath.

His hands were shaking, and behind him, Heero's body was stiff and tense. Exhaling through his nose, Trowa patted gently on Heero's wrist, and smiled faintly as Heero released his tight grip. Coming up on his knees, Trowa began unbuckling the collar from Jade's neck, crouching slightly to reach around and unbuckle the wrist restraints. He paused, centering himself before he undid the ankle and thigh restraints, and finally removed the blindfold.

Trowa swallowed hard, and studied Jade's wan face and downcast eyes. The silent man hadn't moved, but his entire body was angled forward, trying to communicate wordlessly the overwhelming existence of his desire. Trowa sat back on his heels and placed his hands on Jade's knees, feeling the muscles shiver under his touch.

"Jade," he said softly, finding it a struggle to keep his voice even. "Go take a hot bath. Wash your hair," he added, tucking a strand of chestnut behind the silent man's ear. "And...get ready for bed. We'll be waiting upstairs." Jade didn't move, and Trowa bit his lip to keep control. "Go on, Jade," he ordered quietly.

Jade dipped his head quickly, getting to his feet with a chime of bells. Only once he had left the study did Trowa begin to collect the restraints and chains, dumping them unceremoniously back onto the tray and shutting the lid firmly. He could feel Heero behind him, unmoving, and knew the man was watching him closely.

"You're going to do it." Heero's voice was flat.

Trowa choked back a bitter laugh. "Don't see I have much choice." He sat back on his heels, staring at the character carved on the wooden lid. "I did the research. I knew what he'd answer to each question. That wasn't the point. I just wanted him to talk."

"He talked."

"Yeah," Trowa replied. He looked down at his hands, blinking back tears. "And now.shit, Heero."

An arm wound its way around Trowa's waist, as Heero pressed up against him from behind. The dark-haired man rested his chin on Trowa's shoulder, brushing away Trowa's hair with his free hand before resting it around Trowa's shoulders, pulling them close together.

"If you back out, we risk losing his trust," Heero said, his voice still carefully neutral. "The rules are simple. If you promise a reward, you don't withdraw it except for a damn good reason."

"And my complete unwillingness isn't a good reason?" Trowa knew his voice was sharp, but he kept it low. The water started up in the bathroom, and he distantly realized it had stopped raining. "I feel like I should be the one in there, taking a shower. I feel."

"Trowa," Heero warned, and released Trowa long enough to turn him around. Heero cupped Trowa's face in his hands. "Look at me. Quatre was right. This is not Maxwell, and we can't treat him like he is. This is what Jade needs."

"Jade, Jade," Trowa muttered, raising his eyes to meet Heero's blue eyes squarely. "How the hell is it going to help Maxwell come back, if all we're doing is teaching Jade how to be like he was? We're not really bringing him back. We're just teaching how to _act_ like it."

Heero was silent, his eyes searching Trowa's face.

Trowa grimaced and pulled his head away, turning slightly to face the chest again. "You heard what I said to him, to get him to talk. I told him to do what I wanted, to do what I said because it would please me. And that was his sole reason for talking. Whatever they did to him.the only thing strong enough to fight it is his wish to please his _Master_." Trowa's lips twisted into a sneer with the final word. "I can't do this, Heero. I can't."

"You can, and you will," Heero told him. "Jade lives to please his Master. That's true. But we can't break everything at once. Did you learn to pilot Heavyarms with no prior experience? You started with Tauruses, and moved up. Training is a series of steps, building on each one that went before. Undoing that training works the same way. One step at a time."

"This is not a step I want to do," Trowa replied sadly. "I don't.He's going to―"

"Yes," Heero said, cutting him off. "But Maxwell is strong enough to get by without needing everyone to be in love with him. Maxwell is cocky, and self-confident, and brash." Heero's hand came up, stroking at Trowa's face as the Japanese man continued to whisper. "Jade...isn't. He desperately needs whatever love we can give."

"You sound like you've figured this all out," Trowa replied, but his tone was wry.

Heero gave a little shrug, and dropped his eyes. "I figured out that I'm not going to hate you, if you love him."

Trowa sighed.

"And I believe you won't hate me for the same," Heero continued implacably. "But this...you're right. I would rather not contemplate the idea that someone who looks identical to my former best friend is about to sexually pleasure you." His lips curled, momentarily, before the expression faded back into sorrow. "I would rather be anywhere but here, to be perfectly frank."

"Can I join you?"

Heero leaned forward, tilting his head to give Trowa a chaste, quick kiss. "Join me upstairs, and we'll deal with this together."

Trowa picked up the hurricane lamp and let Heero lead him to the bedroom.

 

 

 

Trowa settled himself on the edge of the bed, his head down. The mattress sank down as Heero sat down next to him. Downstairs they could hear splashing, and Trowa turned to see Ifrit stretched out across the pillow, the kitten's purring audible in the silent loft. Absentmindedly Trowa stroked the cat's belly, smiling as Ifrit twitched and rolled over onto his side.

"How do you want to do this?" Heero's head was turned away, towards the living room.

"Don't leave me," Trowa whispered.

"I wasn't planning on it." Heero's hand moved over a few inches to cover Trowa's, and both men understood the double meaning.

"I had an idea. I'm not sure if I should, but..." He shrugged, dropping his hand from the cat's fur to clench the blankets tightly. "I think the hardest part is that Jade won't look us in the eyes." Trowa lay back across the bed, and draped his arm over his face. "I guess a blowjob." He could feel movement, and then Heero squeezed his hand for a second.

"Where do you want me to be?"

Trowa removed his arm from his face, letting it fall across his stomach. He could hear the water draining from the tub, as the water began running again. It stopped after a second, and he catalogued the fact that Jade had just brushed his teeth. "Hold me," he said, simply. "Like you were before."

Trowa struggled up, and Heero moved behind him. Trowa's hands sat limply in his lap as Heero moved around him, legs spread out on either side. Heero set his chin on Trowa's shoulder, and brushed his knuckles along the back of Trowa's hand. Trowa smiled crookedly, and twisted in place to kiss Heero, a soft kiss that he held for several seconds before pulling away with a sigh.

Heero nodded, understanding, his chin digging into Trowa's shoulder with the movement. The bathroom door opened downstairs, and a beam of light filtered out, then moved, accompanied by the sound of Jade's anklets as Jade climbed the stairs. The pleased and excited look on Jade's face was clearly visible from the lamp's light, and Trowa watched as Jade approached the bed with light footsteps. Setting the lamp down on the bedside table, Jade gracefully sank into a kneeling position by Trowa's feet.

"Jade," Trowa said, and took another deep breath, letting it out through his nose. "You spoke, and you have no idea how happy it made me to hear your voice...how happy it made both of us," he amended. "You asked for a reward, and I'm going to give you a choice. You can use your hands to give me a massage―"

Trowa could feel Heero's arms tighten around him, and the hiss of a sudden inhalation as Heero tensed. Trowa shook his head minutely, relieved to feel Heero relax slightly.

"―or you can use your mouth, and bring me to orgasm."

Trowa nearly tripped over the final word, but caught himself in time. Calm, he told himself. Stay calm, and centered. He studied Jade's naked body, noticing the silent man nearly quivering in delight at the second option. Jade came up on his knees, just a little, before sinking back down, his shoulders leaning towards Trowa even as his hands remained behind his back.

"If you want the second, you have to say so. Just one word."

Heero's lips graced Trowa's neck, and Trowa relaxed into the touch as he waited. Jade shivered and ducked his head, his wet hair falling across his face as he shifted his weight from one knee to the other, wanting the reward but still reluctant.

"One word, Jade," Trowa whispered, leaning over until his lips were brushing Jade's forehead. "Both will give me pleasure, but it's up to you to decide how much. Any word, just one...One word."

Jade raised his head, but his eyes were closed, and he took a deep shuddering breath. "Plea...se..."

Trowa swallowed hard, and kissed Jade gently on the forehead. "Yes, Jade." Leaning back, he could feel Heero shift, moving his hands to clasp Trowa above his waist. Trowa took a deep breath and pulled his shirt up, tucking it under Heero's arms to keep it out of the way. He could feel his stomach churning, and he began to breathe evenly through his teeth, watching as Jade rose up on his knees and crawled closer to the bed. Heero moved behind Trowa, and out of the corner of his eye, the auburn-haired man saw Heero lift one of the pillows.

"His knees," Heero whispered, and Trowa nodded.

"Jade, kneel on this," Trowa said, handing the pillow to Jade. The silent man started, and then took the pillow, placing it on the bedside rug before situating himself between Trowa's legs. Trowa watched, leaning back slightly, his hands splayed on his thighs as Jade lowered his head to Trowa's crotch.

Just imagine it's Heero, Trowa suddenly thought, and winced. No, don't, he corrected himself immediately, knowing the last thing he wanted was to inadvertently compare the two.

Jade's cool fingers slipped between Trowa's skin and the top of his jeans, and Trowa's breath caught in his throat as the button was undone. He sucked his stomach in, shying away from the touch but at the same time knowing it would help Jade get the jeans undone. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back on Heero's shoulder, and gasped as something wet touched his stomach. Startled, he looked down to see Jade's head in his lap, and the sound of the zipper slowly coming down. The silent man's hands were on Trowa's knees, massaging gently.

I told him he could use his mouth, Trowa thought, distantly amused and somehow surprised he could find anything remotely funny in the situation. Trowa shivered as Jade's lips were then pressed against his belly button, moving downwards in open-mouth kisses to his groin. Trowa bit his lip as his body began to respond to the gentle touches. Half of him wanted to remain soft and unresponsive, fearing that an erection would somehow be a betrayal to Heero. The other half of him wanted it done, and over with, knowing a lack of response would leave Jade bereft of his reward.

"Just do it," he muttered beneath his breath.

Heero squeezed Trowa tightly for a second, a silent warning, before shifting one hand to caress Trowa's side. He continued to massage far more gently than Trowa would've expected possible from someone with Heero's strength, until Trowa nodded abruptly, gritting his teeth as he tried to force his body to relax. It was then he felt Jade's tongue running up his half-erect length, and Trowa immediately tensed again.

I can't, his mind screamed, even as his body began to react to Jade's ministrations. Jade was making a strange humming sound, deep in his throat, his fingers scratching and clawing lightly at the inside of Trowa's thighs. Jade wriggled in place, lifting himself up a little as he took Trowa's erection in his mouth, and Trowa's back automatically arched at the wet warmth.

Gasping, Trowa's eyes flew open, and he tried to focus on the ceiling. Heero gripped him tighter, as Trowa's hips instinctively bucked against Jade's movements.

My pleasure is his pleasure, Trowa thought suddenly, and he frowned, focusing on that simple truth. Jade exists to give pleasure, and the only way he'll experience any himself is through me. Trowa's body felt heavy, suddenly, as his arousal pooled in his groin, his nerve endings tingling with the feedback loop between his body and Jade's mouth and fingertips. He spoke, Trowa told himself, Jade spoke...despite every ounce of his training telling him not to, Trowa's mental voice whispered to him, as his back arched from Jade's touch. Give him pleasure. Let him know that speaking will bring him one step closer to the pleasure he seeks, even if that's only my pleasure for now.

With a gasp, Trowa relaxed, accepting the decision. He sank back towards Heero, as his hands instinctively moved to Jade's head, stroking the long strands of wet hair. Jade responded fervently, the humming increasing in volume as Jade pushed Trowa's arousal to the next level. Trowa felt his eyes closing and groaned softly as Jade's tongue and teeth and lips continued to move against him.

The intensity built, and Trowa moaned softly, trying to push himself to the edge. He bit his lower lip, grunting with the effort as his hips moved helplessly. Colors swarmed behind his tightly closed eyelids, and he could feel Heero's heartbeat against his cheek as he rested his head on Heero's shoulder. The heartbeat was steady, and even, and Heero's grip never loosened.

Let Jade have his pleasure, Trowa told himself. And please, don't let him hate me when he becomes himself again.

With that thought, Trowa cried out as he came.

 

 

 

Trowa lay shuddering Heero's arms, his mind swirling with confusion, and a sudden queasy feeling in his stomach. For a moment he was afraid he was going to be sick, and he gritted his teeth, struggling to keep his dinner where it belonged. Fingers wiped across his cheeks, and he realized his face was wet. Shaking his head to throw off the discomfort and awkwardness, Trowa raised his hand, wiping at his eyes with the heel of his hand even as he realized Heero was tucking him back into his jeans and zipping them up. Swallowing hard, Trowa managed to sit up straighter, and looked down at Jade.

Jade was sitting back on his heels, his knees apart, his hands behind the small of his back. His eyes were closed, his chin tilted up. In the lamplight Trowa could see Jade's erection, ignored but weeping, and Trowa sighed. Leaning forward, he set his hands on Jade's shoulders, and pressed his lips to Jade's forehead for several long seconds. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against Jade's, his eyes closed as he tried to force his thoughts into order.

"Get out your bed," he finally managed to choke out. "It's time to sleep." Pulling away, he could see a momentary flash of disappointment on Jade's face, and he averted his head as Jade slowly nodded.

"Tro," Heero's voice came from behind him. It carried a warning note, yet a comforting tone at the same time. Heero pulled backwards, pulling his leg around from behind Trowa. The dark-haired man came to the edge of the bed, watching as Jade struggled to pull the mattress out and position it at the foot of the bed. Heero took Trowa's hand in his, and tugged gently.

"No," Trowa moaned, unwilling to move. His hand was tugged more firmly, and he gritted his teeth as he got to his feet.

Heero led him to the bed, where Jade was laying out the blankets and pillow. Heero pulled at Trowa's hand until they were kneeling by the single bed. Jade caught the movement, and spun in place as his anklets rang, coming to kneel, facing Trowa with his head down.

"We are in this together," Heero whispered. "Give him permission."

Trowa's eyebrows went up, and he looked at Heero, but the other man was studying Jade. Trowa frowned, his gaze dropping to Jade, watching the minute signs in the loft's half-dark. The shoulders were hitched slightly, indicating tension, and the chin was down, which meant Jade was worried. But the angle of his body was leaning towards Trowa, which meant he was pleased in some way.

I didn't thank him, Trowa thought. Did I really show him my pleasure? Or was I keeping it for myself, too ashamed to demonstrate it? And did my shame and discomfort just make Jade feel like he was used and cast off? Trowa could feel Heero's eyes on him, and he nodded slowly.

"Jade," he whispered, then paused to take a deep breath, reaching out with one hand to cradle Jade's face. Jade smiled a little, tilting his head against the touch. "You're...amazing, and beautiful." Trowa swallowed hard, the fingers of his free hand searching out Heero's hand and squeezing it tightly. "Beautiful," Trowa repeated, leaning forward to kiss Jade on the forehead again.

When he pulled away, Trowa opened his eyes to see a beatific smile across Jade's face. Jade was quivering against his touch, and making that strange purring sound deep in his throat. Glancing at Heero's firm nod, Trowa gave Jade a crooked smile.

"I want to...share my...pleasure with you," he whispered. "Come for me. Anytime you're ready...come for me."

Trowa settled back on his heels, his right hand never leaving Heero's hold. Heero seemed to shiver for a moment, then grew very still as he reached his right hand forward, stroking gently along Jade's erection. Jade arched his back, his hips tilting forward as he bucked into the touch, his mouth open as he panted. His hands came undone from their clasp behind his back, and flailed momentarily, seeking something to hold onto. Trowa instinctively reached out, catching one of Jade's hands in his. The strong fingers interlocked with his, gripping tightly, and Trowa realized he was holding his breath.

"Come, Jade," he urged, the words out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying. "Let us see you, the real you."

Heero sped the rhythm up slightly, and Jade cried out, his head thrown back and his eyes wide open. His orgasm was quick, and violent, wracking his body as he swayed in place. Trowa slowly let his breathe out through his nose, feeling Heero shift next to him, and a moment later Heero was wiping Jade's chest and hips with a discarded shirt. Heero tossed the shirt to the side, and reached for Jade's hand.

They stayed like that for several heartbeats, as Jade's breathing steadied, and his chin came back down to rest on his chest. Through the thick fall of chestnut hair covering Jade's face, Trowa could see a sleepy, sated expression, and he smiled despite himself. Leaning forward, he kissed Jade tenderly on the forehead. When he pulled back, he was surprised to see Heero do the same. Almost reluctantly, Trowa released the hands clasped in his, and patted the pillow.

"Bed, Jade," he whispered.

The silent man nodded enthusiastically, crawling up to the head of the bed and pulling the covers out from under him. Wriggling down until he was under the covers, he thumped his pillow once or twice and curled up. Heero gave Trowa a crooked smile and leaned over to tuck the blankets around Jade's chin, his fingers brushing Jade's cheek gently before the dark-haired man stood up. Heero placed his hand on Trowa's shoulder, squeezing once before he walked over to the bed and picked up the hurricane lamp from the table.

Trowa understood immediately, and stood, following Heero downstairs and out to the back porch.

 

 

 

Heero set the lamp on the porch, pushing at Trowa's shoulder until Trowa settled down on the top step. Trowa remained there, drawing his legs up until his chin was on his knees, staring out into the darkness. Heero returned to the kitchen, puttering around. Trowa tilted his head, recognizing the sounds of the teakettle being filled, and the gas stove clicking on. Sighing, he turned his head to rest his cheek against his knees, his hands gripping the edge of the porch as he waited.

Several minutes later, Heero had returned with a mug of hot chocolate for each of them. Trowa nodded his gratitude, accepting the mug and blowing across the hot surface as Heero sat down beside him, their bodies in warm contact from hip to shoulder.

"Maybe we're going about this all wrong," Trowa said. "I don't..." He stared off into the darkness under the trees, and tilted his head to see the stars littering the night sky. "I'm not sure it's a good idea to let Jade think that sex is the top reward. It feels like we're leading him on."

Heero shrugged. "Right now, affection is the only reward. He likes the root beer floats, and the hot chocolate, but given a choice between those and a hug, he always goes for the hug. It's the closest we've allowed him, most of the time."

"I feel like we fucked up. Like I fucked up."

"Don't." Heero sipped his hot chocolate, and licked his upper lip. "Which is more important? Winning our battles, or teaching him to want something different?"

"Both." Trowa turned to see Heero's calm gaze.

"No," Heero replied, shaking his head. "Chose one."

"Tackling his behavior, first," Trowa finally said. "We can't fully deal with his motivations until there's a better level of communication."

"Which means we have to use his current motivation as the carrot," Heero pointed out. "Whether we like it or not." He was silent for a moment, watching Trowa intently. "Why are you having such trouble with Quatre's advice?"

"I'm not wired that way. I just can't look at Jade and not see the person I used to know. I keep trying..."

"Does he feel the same?"

"Feel..." Trowa frowned, rolling the concept around in his head. He stared up at the sky. "Maxwell felt like the earth, rich and full of life. Jade makes me feel like I'm floating in space again, adrift, resigned to waiting."

Heero didn't say anything, but waited. Trowa shook himself slightly, and turned to Heero with an expectant look.

"Jade makes me think of Wing Zero."

Trowa blinked, and managed to steady his mug before he spilled it.

"After Wufei shot me down," Heero whispered. "I hit the water...and I don't remember much else...until I woke up at the bottom of the ocean. It's dark down there." He stirred, his gaze moving back up to stare at the sky. "Sometimes you hear people say the ocean is barren, in the deep, but they're wrong. It's got life, it's just nothing like what we know...and it's hidden, from light, from sound. Deep and cold, but it has a presence that can't be denied, enveloping you."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, his lips twitching at the reminder that his lover could be a poet, once he got going.

"Wing Zero woke me," Heero said, simply. "It wasn't _me_ that woke up. It wasn't me that chose to keep going. It was something else, something I have never understood. That's what Jade is like, now. He's Wing Zero, and when he chooses to wake me from this nightmare, I'll go where he leads. I don't feel like I have a choice."

Trowa nodded.

"So for the time being," Heero said, his voice shifting back to its normal cool tones, "we deal with his behavior, and deal with his expectations later."

"I suppose."

"The only thing strong enough in Jade to break past the training is his wish to please you." Heero shrugged. "I suspect telling him you can only please him so far would undermine that borrowed strength."

"It sounds like rationalizing."

"Maybe." The dark-haired man was silent for several minutes, staring up at the sky. "There's L2," he said softly.

Trowa didn't look. "They should burn that place to the core, along with the bastards that did this," he growled.

"Quatre and Wufei will," Heero assured him. "I just hope they leave at least one alive."

"What?"

"So Du...Maxwell can have a chance to flay one of those assholes, himself." Heero chuckled quietly. "Maxwell would kill me...kill us...if he thought we'd left him with no way to exact his own revenge."

Trowa pretended to shudder. "He was the God of Death. I'm not sure I'd want his idea of revenge..." Trowa paused, then grinned tightly. "No, I retract that. I'm _quite_ sure I'd definitely want Maxwell perpetrating his own justice on those slave-training bastards."

"Fuck, yeah," Heero agreed.

The two men sipped their hot chocolate for several more minutes, the silence slowly becoming companionable.

Trowa shifted in place, and set the mug down on the step next to him. "I think I want to take a shower," he finally said. "But first, I want..." He shook his head, negating what he'd been about to say. "No. I need to tell you...that I'm not going to reassure you that your touch does more for my body."

Heero frowned slightly, but it was his look of concentration, not displeasure. One eyebrow twitched, almost imperceptibly.

"Sometimes, the body responds, regardless of our wishes," Trowa continued, his voice low. "Tonight was proof. I thought, at the start, that it would be easier if I pretended it was you."

Heero nodded once. Not agreeing, but simply acknowledging.

"It wouldn't be." Trowa turned away, studying the darkness of the forest beyond the lamp's circle of light. "Comparisons will destroy what I have, and right now, I won't lose either of you, if for different reasons." He mused for several seconds, his tone lightening as the words resolved themselves in his head. "So if you have any insecurities about it, tell me now, so we can deal with it. But I won't tell you that your touch is better or worse. I'll only tell you that I could never mistake one for the other."

"I..." Heero fell silent, his head down, the frown back as he contemplated Trowa's words. "I don't feel jealous." His lips curled up, just a bit, at the edges. "I keep thinking I should. Perhaps I'm repressing it, and it will appear later."

He shrugged slightly, and Trowa could feel the movement of Heero's shoulder against his own. Trowa let out a long breath, and picked up the empty mug. "I need a shower. I want to...be clean, when I come to bed." He stood, meeting Heero's eyes as the dark-haired man leaned back to look up at him. "When is our next private time? Tomorrow afternoon?"

"Morning," Heero said.

"Remind me..." Trowa's voice trailed off, unable to find the words.

Heero nodded, understanding without words. "I plan to."


	14. tumbling down

From leaf to leaf  
Tumbling down...  
Autumn dew  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero woke up at dawn, at first uncertain as to what had disturbed him. Vaguely he recalled shapes and images from his dream, but they soon dissipated, leaving him only with the conclusion that his dream was not the cause for waking. He stirred, sitting up, and realized that he was alone in bed. Frowning, he got up, grabbing a pair of blue jeans and slipping them on with a shiver. Early October, and the days were getting shorter, and the nights chillier. Heero grabbed a long-sleeved shirt, and thought for a second before grabbing a sweater as well.

Jade was curled into a ball on his bed on the floor. Heero paused, yanked the blanket off the big bed, and draped it over Jade. He watched for a second as Jade shifted in his sleep, sighed, and began to uncurl. Heero smiled to himself and headed downstairs to find Trowa.

The front door was pushed open as Heero came to the bottom of the stairs, and Trowa entered, several pieces of wood in his arms. He nodded to Heero, and began to silently build a fire. Heero watched, mildly perturbed by his lover's early start, then decided to let it be. Trowa would explain when he was ready. Heero headed into the kitchen to make the morning's first pot of coffee.

An hour later Jade stumbled down the stairs, rubbing the sleep from his eyes but looking content. Heero looked up from his cup of coffee to see Jade was dressed in a pair of Heero's blue jeans, Trowa's green turtleneck, and a cheerful red sweater that Quatre had packed along with their other belongings. His hair was pulled back in a messy braid, and the young man nodded to Trowa before heading into the kitchen. Heero watched Jade go, puzzling over the sudden change to brighter colors, and the fact that Jade had attempted to braid his hair without being told.

Heero turned to Trowa, who was still regarding the fire thoughtfully. He'd not said anything, although he'd acknowledged Heero's nearness with a half-smile, accepting the coffee with a nod.

"Today I thought we'd finish the kitchen shelves," Heero said. He set the coffee cup down on the low table as the sounds of Jade making breakfast floated in from the kitchen. Trowa didn't respond, and Heero frowned a little. "Tro...do you want to talk about it?"

"Let's go for a walk," Trowa said, but managed to smile.

 

 

 

Trowa stuck his hands deep in his jeans pockets, hunching his shoulders in the thick gray sweater. Heero matched Trowa's lazy stride; following the trail they'd found that wound past the house and farther up the mountain. Eventually it would lead down to the creek, about a mile downstream from the fishing spot. Heero doubted it would take Jade as long to cook breakfast as it'd take them to do the entire route. Beside him, Trowa tilted his head back to look at the overcast autumn sky.

"Was that rape?"

Heero blinked. That wasn't the question he'd been expecting. He raised his eyebrows at Trowa.

"Is Duo in there, inside Jade?"

Heero nodded firmly.

"I thought a lot about it, while I was researching," Trowa said, still not looking at Heero. "If it's Duo, then he's unable to consent, because he's not himself. He might as well be on drugs, or drunk...and therefore it was, by definition, rape. If we're dealing with Duo in an altered state...we can't have it both ways." He was silent for several minutes; the only sound that of autumn leaves crunching under their boots. "I don't know how to resolve that."

"Unless you can claim to understand the human psyche, I don't think there is a resolution."

"You mean he's both, and yet only Jade." Trowa frowned. "Paradox."

Heero nodded. Two contradicting statements that are both true, his mind supplied.

The two were silent for several more minutes, and Trowa kicked at a rock in the path, watching it tumble and bounce off to the side. "I know our reasons, intellectually. Emotionally...I don't feel like I can look him in the eye."

"I understand." Heero sighed, knowing how well he did understand. The first time he'd touched Jade...he shuddered, remembering the difficulty of keeping himself focused, of not recoiling in horror at his actions. "It gets easier," he offered.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Heero pondered that for a bit. "Duo is somewhere inside that mind. But we can't hold Jade to Duo's standards. Jade isn't the same person."

"Like multiple-personality disorder," Trowa replied. He grimaced at Heero's nod, and raised a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. "Great. One more avenue to research, and find nothing that will help."

"Except that there's no such thing as multiple-personality disorder," Heero pointed out equitably. He gave Trowa a half-smile, which quickly faded with his next words. "He spoke. What we did helped. There was progress."

"Progress only because the carrot was big enough." Trowa caught Heero's raised eyebrows, and shook his head with a rueful smile. "I'm running over old arguments."

"Just say it." Heero leaned over, picking up a stick. He studied it for a minute, waving it idly as though it was a fencing foil.

"I don't want to love Jade."

Heero halted, canting his head at Trowa, the stick forgotten.

Trowa turned his head away. "If I do..." He frowned. "I'm afraid that I'll start making decisions that aren't in Duo's best interest, although they're in Jade's best interest."

"But Duo―" Heero tossed the stick into the woods.

"No," Trowa said, but he managed a weary smile. "Your heart is breaking now, because you have to see your friend's shadow in front of you, every day. I don't want my heart to break for seeing Jade's shadow fading into Duo's light." He turned away, and began walking again. "And I'm terrified that Duo will only resent me, for knowing I loved him as he wasn't, and yet don't love him as he is."

Heero frowned, watching Trowa stride away, before he shook his head and followed the taller man. Raising his voice to be heard over the leaves underfoot, he called out. "You're not making any sense."

"I don't have to!" Trowa retorted over his shoulder. "None of this is rational."

"Well, try, damn it." Heero exhaled angrily and increased his pace to catch up with Trowa, catching Trowa by the elbow. "We're a team. But I can't help if you won't talk to me."

Trowa spun on his heel, yanking his elbow away from Heero's grasp. "I know the conversation we had last night. I stayed awake most of the night thinking about it. I know the research. I know the justifications. I know the rationalizations. But I also know―" his tone dropped to a chilly level "―that _your_ best friend gave me a blowjob while you watched! Doesn't that creep you out, just a small amount?"

Heero snarled and grabbed Trowa by the sweater, dragging Trowa's face down until they were nose-to-nose. Carefully he ground out the words, as slowly as possible.

"That man...is _not_...my...best...friend." Heero released Trowa's sweater, shoving the other man back a half step. "And _that's_ the only thing that creeps me out."

The two men were still, their eyes boring into each other as they panted, caught between frustration and anger. Trowa was the first to look away, dropping his eyes as he turned to face the way they'd come. He dug his hands deep in his pockets, his chin down as he stared at the ground in front of his feet. Heero exhaled abruptly, blowing his bangs out of his eyes as he watched Trowa. After several minutes, Heero shook his head, stepping around to stand in Trowa's way.

"You've been calling them battles," he said, and took another deep breath. When Heero spoke again, his voice was gentler. "We made sacrifices and choices in wartime that we'd never willingly do in peacetime."

Trowa nodded, his posture wary.

"Trowa," Heero whispered, his hands reaching out to tug Trowa's hands from his pockets. Heero ducked his head, staring at their linked hands as he spoke. "This is war. We're fighting for Duo's soul."

"To fight the war, I had to kill my heart. I was left with nothing but emptiness," Trowa replied, a bitter laugh hiding in his words. "I don't want to go back there."

Heero frowned, recognizing the refrain from something Quatre had told him, many years before. Gritting his teeth, he pulled at Trowa's hands until the two men were only a finger's length apart.

"I know," Heero told him softly. "My life was cheap, then. But it's not, now."

Trowa didn't say anything, but the fear and pain in his eyes said everything.

"We have a home," the Japanese man told him. "We each have two reasons to make it through this. The first is right in front of us. And the second is waiting with our breakfast," he added, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips when Trowa's stomach growled. "Glad someone agrees with me."

"That's only because arguing with you is pointless," Trowa retorted, but the edge was gone from his mood. "You're too damn bone-headed."

Heero merely smiled. He tugged on Trowa's hand, leading the way back down the path to the house, where Jade stood on the back porch, waiting for them.

 

 

 

Thursdays were for hiking, but Trowa had suggested they begin collecting wood a bit more rigorously. Heero grumbled silently about the declaration as he leaned over to pick up another stick, adding it to the bundle in his arms as he trailed behind Jade and Trowa. Trowa had rigged a way to hold his kindling collection using his belt, and reminded Heero of a wood-carrying fisherman, with the long legs and thick gray sweater. Beside him, Jade was only a few inches shorter, and Heero contemplated the fact that he'd gotten so used to Jade's downcast face that he'd even begun to think of Jade as an inch or two shorter.

Duo's the same height as me, he reminded himself, instinctively cringing at the use of the name, despite knowing that his thoughts were his own. Maxwell. Maxwell is the same height...and so is Jade, he added. Shaking his head at his pensiveness, he bent over and grabbed several more pieces of potential kindling, juggling the bundle in his arms for several seconds before getting everything situated.

The day before, he thought, pleased, they'd managed to get in a few hours alone after breakfast. While sometimes they did no more than kiss for an hour, Heero thought, it was at least nice to have some time to spend together. They didn't even always talk. A few times they'd simply stayed in bed after Jade had gotten up, and lay there, back-to-front, basking in each other's presence, but it was unusual to go back to bed. He grinned at the thought.

It's not like I'm wasting away without sex, Heero thought. I'm not sure I even want any, until that other night fades a bit more. He stopped, hefting a stick of wood in one hand before transferring it to the bundle under his other arm. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps Trowa needs time to separate the two types of sexual interaction in his life right now.

Heero frowned at the leaves scattering the forest floor. He could hear Trowa's warning shout, and he looked up to see Trowa waving Jade back closer. Trowa was a good bit farther down the trail, laughing as Jade came crashing back through the woods to join him. Heero wrapped both arms around his bundle of kindling and increased his pace to join them, smiling at Jade's grin despite himself.

 

 

 

Four days after that night, as Heero thought of it, Jade was still silent, but neither Trowa nor Heero pressed Jade. They noted his sudden preference for wearing their clothes, but didn't mention it to Jade, nor did they encourage him. It went unspoken between them that they wanted to see what Jade would do next, if they didn't react. Unfortunately, his behavior otherwise didn't change, except that he began wearing his braid all day, taking it out only at night before slipping between the blankets in his bed on the floor.

Saturday evening, Heero had planned on an hour of playing guitar, to keep his fingers limber. But they'd spent the day dismantling the kitchen cabinets and he'd gotten his share of splinters. Most of them, he thought ruefully, were his own damn fault, for growing tired of the crowbar and hammer. He'd dropped the tools on the table and taken to ripping the cabinets straight off the wall, as Trowa laughed helplessly in the background and Jade cowered behind Trowa. The cabinets were now a pile of trash in the barn, ready to be carted to the local dump on their next trip.

Jade had skillfully and carefully removed all the splinters, kissing each miniscule wound with a tenderness that surprised Heero. Duo, he told himself, would have laughed himself silly at Heero's predicament, and possibly attempted to pour peroxide on the cuts, enjoying the notion of Heero wincing at the stinging result.

Heero scowled, watching Jade's head dip low over his hand, the tweezers carefully prodding to get the last splinter out.

The side chair creaked, and Heero looked up to see Trowa leaning forward to nudge the fire with the poker. Setting it back in its holder, Trowa turned to watch the two men on the sofa with a contemplative look, his hands stroking Ifrit sleeping in his lap. Heero met Trowa's eyes over Jade's head, and raised his eyebrows, the silent question obvious.

"His commands," Trowa said.

Heero nodded, waiting.

"Quatre mentioned hypnotic suggestion, and I've been thinking about the list of commands." Trowa leaned back in the chair, stretching out his legs. Ifrit woke up long enough to squeak his complaint, and Trowa smiled at the cat, rearranging the kitten to lie across his chest.

Jade shifted, patting Heero's hand several times, and placed the tweezers back into the first aid kit.

"Thanks, Jade," Heero said, catching Jade's fingers and giving them a quick squeeze. He watched as the other man's cheeks tinted lightly with pink, and Jade nodded several times before returning the kit to the bathroom. His anklets chimed, and Heero frowned momentarily. "I've got to figure out a way to get those off without hurting him," he murmured. Heero leaned back on the sofa, and rubbed his forehead as he watched Trowa staring into the flames. "What about hypnotic suggestion?"

"I don't get how it works," Trowa mused, shrugging slightly. "You can't force someone to do something under hypnosis that they wouldn't do of their own accord while not hypnotized."

"True."

"And?" Trowa turned then, to stare at Heero, his green eyes challenging.

Heero sighed, listening as Jade moved from the bathroom into the kitchen, picking his way through the chaos to begin cooking dinner. "It's not really hypnosis in the classic sense. It's just imbedded phrases, that have accumulated a meaning through experience."

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." Heero considered it for several seconds. The fire popped and hissed as the flames hit a damp spot in a log, and he watched the flames lick along the steaming log. "There's one phrase you could yell in a crowded shopping center that would still make people duck and run for cover, before they even had chance to rationally consider the veracity of your statement."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, as the long fingers of one hand scratched Ifrit behind the ears. The kitten purred, its claws flexing against Trowa's chest.

"It's a Gundam," Heero said dryly.

Trowa laughed, his head thrown back, and the cat sat up with a start, jumping down from Trowa's lap. Trowa cocked his head at Heero, as his laughter softened into chuckling. "Touché. So you're saying these are learned reactions?"

"There were...words...phrases...that Dr. J used on me, during training." His tone turned distant, and he stared at the fire rather than meet Trowa's eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper. "You have three choices..." Heero was still for a moment, then shook himself, risking a glance at Trowa, but the other man's face was neutral. "Every mission, every training session, began with those words. Relena used that phrase once...only she was speaking of where to go on our first anniversary. But I was instantly in...a different head-space."

"Ah." Trowa pulled his hair back from his face, his eyes half-closed. "So in that sense, it's not so much hypnotic as it is a created instinct."

"That's one way to consider it."

The other man gave Heero a sudden, sharp look. "You have theories on why Jade won't recognize his true name?"

Heero shifted nervously on the sofa, realized he was squirming, and tried to stop. The anxiety responded by tunneling down into the pit of his stomach and nestling there, its tendrils sending worried flames along to his fingers, which plucked at the sofa. "I know a few ways it could be done."

The room was silent except for the crackling fire.

"The word or phrase is recorded, and repeated at irregular intervals," Heero whispered, his eyes unfocused, avoiding Trowa's gaze. "And with each instance, the body is...injured in some way. A strike, an electric shock, a burn...enough times, and the pain of one experience is irrevocably linked to the instance of the word or phrase."

Trowa nodded, slowly. His voice was calm. "And the same could be done with a positive phrase, linking pleasure with a word."

"I suppose." Heero shrugged. He'd never known that type, he admitted unhappily to himself, but he couldn't think of any reason it wouldn't be possible.

"Which makes me think of behaviors," Trowa continued, in that same even voice. There was a clatter in the kitchen, and he stopped, alert, watching as Ifrit meandered into the kitchen to look for dinner. Jade didn't appear, and the sounds of something sizzling in a pan made Trowa return his gaze to Heero. "Modifying behavior is much harder, because behavior is more than a simple step, it's a series of actions and thoughts that make up a single behavioral response to a situation."

"You've been doing too much research." Heero raised an eyebrow, amused. "I expect you have a point in there somewhere."

Trowa rolled his eyes, and shifted sideways in the chair to face Heero. "You told me once that...the ones who trained you, with Dr. J., wanted you to be emotionless. A machine."

Heero took a deep breath and stood up. Ignoring Trowa's startled reaction, he strode to the kitchen door. "Jade, we'll be on the front porch. Come get us when dinner's ready." He didn't wait for a response, but headed for the front door, grabbing his coat off the hook on the back of the door. Jerking his head at Trowa, he pulled the front door open and stepped out. Once on the porch, though, he stopped, his head down, his fists clenched.

I can't do this, he thought, and shook his head at himself. I can.

"Heero?" Trowa gently pulled the door shut behind them, and stepped forward, one hand on Heero's shoulder.

"I was twelve," Heero whispered. He didn't move, his head down, but he could see the fading sunset turning the front field to gold. "I had a mission...to destroy a base on L1. It was my first big mission, on a large scale. There was a park next to the base." He shuddered, feeling Trowa's warm breath across the back of his neck. "I met a girl there, walking her dog."

Trowa didn't say anything, but he didn't move his hand, either.

"When I detonated the bombs that night, it was..." He held his breath, then released it slowly through his nose. "One of the mobile suits fell backwards from the blast, and hit a civilian apartment building next to the base. The building caught fire...people died. Innocent people."

There was still no response, and Heero could feel his body thrumming, the tension singing down to his clenched fists. The hand on Heero's shoulder squeezed again, just barely, and he forced the words out of his mouth.

"I went back to the site, the next day. The girl's dog was in the rubble...it was dead, and I..." Heero's words choked in his throat, and he forced himself to stay calm. "Dr. J. and...the others...said my emotions were a hazard. Emotions would compromise my abilities as a weapon, and had to be removed."

Heero kept his head down, waiting, unable to say it. Finally, Trowa whispered, "what did they do?"

"I was given a dog..." Heero wrenched himself forward, from Trowa's grasp, amazed at the amount of will he had to exert to give himself space. At the edge of the porch, he stopped, staring down into the gardening beds, mulched in preparation for winter. Behind him, Trowa remained in the same place. "I was given a dog...and for three weeks, it went with me everywhere. It ran with me every morning, watched while I practiced at the range, and lay at my feet while I used the simulation program. And then..." He ground out the words. "They made me shoot it."

Trowa hissed.

Heero flinched, certain he could feel Trowa's disapproval almost tangibly. "It was me...or the dog. Not shooting it meant I had formed an attachment. And that would make me a faulty weapon. And if I was faulty, I would be terminated," he added flatly.

"How..." Trowa's question was nearly a gasp, but left unfinished.

"Three times," Heero said. He drew in a huge breath, and raised his face to the autumn evening, seeing the stars beginning to appear as the sun set behind the trees. One corner of the sky was swathed in red, and the crescent moon was barely visible as it rose. "Three diffferent creatures that did no wrong except to..." He couldn't say any more, but closed his eyes. "After that, I didn't care. The fourth I shot on sight."

The steps were quick and light behind him, and Trowa's arms were around him, turning him, embracing him. "Oh, God, Heero," Trowa moaned, holding him tight. The evening breeze licked at Heero's jacket, brushing along his knuckles, and he buried his face in Trowa's neck. His hands came up of their own accord to fist in Trowa's shirt, under his coat, and Heero choked once, biting back a feeling of sudden helpless anger.

Heero started to pull away, but couldn't exert the will again. Instead, he clung to Trowa as Trowa murmured inaudible reassurances in his ears. He wondered vaguely at the fact that Trowa's shirt was damp under his cheek, but he didn't move until he heard footsteps behind them.

"Jade, we'll be right there." Trowa's voice was loud in his ear, a rumbling music that echoed in the depths of Trowa's chest at the same time.

Like purring, Heero thought, unwilling to move.

"It's okay," Trowa continued. "Everything's going to be okay. Go on in, you'll catch a cold out here without your coat." The front door shut quietly, and Trowa leaned away from Heero, giving Heero a sad smile. "Are you going to be okay?" He emphasized the first word, as though uncertain of the answer.

Heero nodded, rolling the emotions back up into a ball and placing them away in that place in his heart where his memories were stored. He nodded again, finally lifting his eyes to see Trowa's green eyes watching him, concern and love evident.

The taller man sighed, pulling Heero forward into a loose hug, his forehead pressed against Heero's. "What we do to survive is sometimes unbelievable and incomprehensible from the point of view of someone sitting in their living room, in their safe neighborhood... We pay the price and we continue, knowing that surviving is the only way we'll ever have revenge."

Duo would know that as well as any, Heero thought bitterly. He raised one hand, brushing his knuckles across the back of Trowa's hand. Trowa smiled, planting a quick kiss on Heero's lips before pulling away.

"Dinner's waiting," he said.

 

 

 

The next four days passed as they fell back into their routine, while the days grew shorter, the skies grayer as the season began its first steps into winter's inevitable approach. Heero found himself waking at dawn, and ready for bed only an hour or two after sunset. There was something about the crisp air and chilly days that even a day of laundry and house cleaning left him exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. Sometimes he found himself wandering into the kitchen, and then the study, just reviewing the changes they were bringing to the house.

The new cabinets were delivered, and several of the base cabinets were already installed, but were waiting on the countertops to be delivered. The stove was still in its box on the front porch, since the kitchen was crammed with tools, wood, and cabinets. Heero had been surprised to find Jade perched in one of the side chairs in the living room, after the stove was delivered, carefully reading the directions.

Duo would never have read the directions, Heero scoffed. Duo would have thrown himself into dismantling the thing to figure out how it really worked. But then, he reminded himself, this isn't Duo.

He was quiet for the rest of the day, and Trowa let him be.

During dinner, the phone rang, and Trowa frowned, wiping his mouth with a napkin as he got up to answer it.

"Barton," Trowa said. He listened, and turned to look at Heero, mouthing the name, Wufei. Heero nodded, and Trowa returned his attention to the phone. "Yes...yeah, if you're sure...definitely." Trowa nodded, giving Heero an expression that met somewhere between pain and satisfaction. "Okay...sounds good." He hung up with a sigh. "Wufei will be here tomorrow. Mind meeting him at the gate?"

Heero raised an eyebrow, and glanced quickly at Jade's lowered head. The longhaired man felt the two men looking at him, and he paused in the middle of picking out the green peppers from his stir-fry dish.

Trowa frowned and shook his head, and Heero nodded his consent.

 

 

 

Heero was waiting at the gate for several minutes when Wufei drove up and unlocked the passenger door for Heero.

"No motorcycle," Heero observed.

"No," Wufei replied, turning the car around and heading back down the driveway. "Quatre warned me about the roads. My bike's too nice to deal with gravel and potholes."

The only conversation for the next fifteen minutes was that of Heero directing the way to the town's diner. As they got out of the car, Wufei reached into the back seat for a brown accordion folder, several inches thick. Heero glanced at it, his eyes widening in an unspoken question.

"There's more in the trunk for you," Wufei told him, as they entered the restaurant. "Quatre sent a few more care packages, and Sally added a few things." Wufei caught Heero's look and shook his head. "Don't ask me. I just rented the car. They packed it. But it's not a lot...you can carry it," he added, his eyes drifting away from Heero's, a little uncomfortably.

Heero nodded, sliding into a booth near the back of the diner, away from the few other patrons eating a late breakfast. "You must have left early to get here by ten," he said.

Wufei nodded. "Knew I'd be up all night, so no reason to wait to leave," he explained. "Had a conference meeting with the local authorities on L2 yesterday, and spent the rest of the day and evening interviewing a suspect. Called you just after that."

Heero frowned. "There's a Preventer office in every quadrant on L2." His meaning was clear: headquarters didn't usually converse with local police districts.

"But none of them are involved with this particular mission," Wufei replied.

The Chinese agent's fingers tapped on the folder, alerting Heero, who cut off his response as the waitress stopped at their table to take their drink and lunch orders. Wufei's eyes followed her until the kitchen doors closed behind her. His voice dropped to a low pitch, nearly low enough that Heero would have had to read lips had his hearing not been so sharp.

"The police picked up a girl. Some sort of drug bust...enough evidence to get her thrown into jail with the rest of them. Name's Tina Colston. She told them she had information she'd trade, if they promised immunity. They laughed, of course." Wufei snorted. "Then she told them it was about Duo Maxwell."

Heero suddenly went very still, his eyes boring into Wufei.

"Colston is...was...part of the ring. One of the lowlifes working the late shift, no real responsibilities, and she doesn't know anyone's names."

"I'm not hearing a source of valuable information."

"The girl kept her eyes open, and she saw plenty." Wufei hesitated for a second, his brows furrowed as he studied Heero intently. "I've spoken with her over secure vid-lines. Simply put, Colston survived Shinigami."

Heero felt a chill sweep over his skin.

"Apparently the ring was using a local church as their cover. Kids come in for food and temporary shelter, and the volunteers would look them over." Wufei sniffed. "From what I heard, that would be a neon sign for Duo."

"Pretty much. And?"

"They snagged Duo, as well. He looked and acted, she said, like one of the kids. He'd been there a few weeks, and a gang of them was already forming around him. But then...after they got him, she said she heard he wasn't giving way like most of the kids. She doesn't know the actual process," Wufei explained, looking irritated. He tapped on the folder again. "We have some of the details, here. But Colston was just a janitorial staff member. She came in, cleaned up, kept her head down, but heard the gossip. The longhaired kid was trouble."

Wufei looked mildly amused, and Heero rolled his eyes in agreement. Of course Duo would be trouble.

"Colston reported that a few weeks after they took Duo, the gossip started going around the organization that they'd accidentally hooked themselves an investigating Preventer. Colston was working the night Duo was supposed to be taken out," Wufei said flatly. "Slit his throat, make it look like a mugging, dispose of the body. She said she'd heard it had been done before, when they'd accidentally taken runaways who had wealthy parents. But somehow...Duo got a hold of the weapon. He killed the guy, and then took out the three guarding the door. The girl got shook up just thinking about it...she can't be more than twenty-two, twenty-three, herself."

Wufei shook his head, his gaze slipping to the side. Heero took the hint and leaned back, nodding to the waitress as she set down their dishes. Almost immediately both men pushed their meals away, leaning into each other to continue.

"Apparently she was mopping the floor when he came around the corner. He was covered in blood, his hair everywhere, and grinning like the devil himself, she said. Colston hit the floor and begged for her life." Wufei took a deep breath. "There were fourteen people at the location that night. She was the only one he left alive."


	15. at verandah's edge

At verandah's edge  
Cheap fireworks...  
Feels like evening  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

The afternoon was warmer than Trowa expected, and Heero wasn't due back for another hour. Watching Jade try to straighten up the kitchen after their lunch, he smiled and picked up Ifrit, depositing the cat on Jade's shoulder, startling him.

"Come sit on the porch with me," Trowa whispered in Jade's ear. "I'll play, if you like."

Jade nodded and dashed from the kitchen, his bells chiming merrily, and he was back in a flash, holding the flute case. Trowa laughed and took it from Jade, opening the front door. Settling himself on the top edge of the porch, he was surprised when Jade promptly sat on the bottom step, his shoulders between Trowa's knees. Jade bent his head, his attention focused on settling Ifrit in his lap, as Trowa flipped the case open and assembled the flute.

 

 

 

Trowa guessed it was at least a half-hour later when he set the flute down, resting it across the case. Swallowing hard, he coughed a little, surprised at how dry his throat had become. Jade's head came up, and the silent man started to move. Trowa grinned and put his hands on Jade's shoulders, pushing him gently back down to the step.

"I'm fine," Trowa said, guessing that Jade intended to get him a drink. "I'll live," he added. Hesitating momentarily, he took a deep breath and guided Jade to come up a step, to rest comfortably between his legs. Idly he played with Jade's braid, as the other man continued to pet the cat in his lap. "Jade...you haven't talked since that night. Is everything okay?"

Jade nodded several times.

"Was it too much, to talk?"

Jade stiffened, then shrugged with one shoulder, a little shyly.

"Say something to me now, Jade," Trowa coaxed. "Like...look at that cloud." He pointed up into the afternoon sky. "What shape is it?"

The braid slithered across Jade's shoulder as he tilted his head back, glancing up quickly and then away again. Trowa swore silently, hoping he'd be able to get a glimpse of Jade's eyes, but Jade was too quick. Jade bent his head back down to the cat.

"Tell me what you think," Trowa said, keeping his voice low and calm. "I think it looks like...an elephant." He was startled to see a shy smile appear on Jade's face as Jade nervously shook his head. "It's okay to disagree. We're just looking at clouds," Trowa assured him. "Ah, see, now the cloud has changed. Now it looks like...an eggbeater."

Jade giggled and glanced up, then shook his head again, a little more firmly this time.

"Then what? What do you think it looks like?"

"Rabbit, Master," Jade whispered, his shoulders hunching, his head down. He seemed a little shocked at his own voice, his hands covering his mouth immediately.

"Rabbit," Trowa repeated, trying to ignore the title as he gently pulled Jade's hands away from his mouth. Trowa tilted his head back, moving his hands to Jade's shoulders, massaging lightly. "It's got a horn in the middle of its head. That's a strange rabbit."

There was no response for several seconds, then Jade shifted, moving closer to Trowa as he ducked his head again. "Rhinoceros," he whispered.

"Could be." Trowa leaned forward, bringing his arms down to embrace Jade as he rested his cheek against Jade's. "Are you frightened of me?"

Jade's fingers paused, and Ifrit mewed in annoyance, quieting as Jade began scratching the cat again. Trowa didn't move, but waited, and after a few seconds more, Jade shook his head, just a little.

"Are you frightened of Heero?"

The body in Trowa's arms stiffened, and Trowa could hear Jade hiss softly through his teeth. Just as quickly, though, Jade made a face and twisted his body, bringing one shoulder up in a strangely shy movement, as though apologizing.

"It's okay to be frightened of him. Sometimes I am, too," Trowa confessed. "Heero can be very..." He shrugged, nonchalantly. "What do you think? What's the word?"

"Intimidating," came the response, so soft Trowa barely caught it.

Trowa nodded, smiling as Jade brought his hands up to hold Trowa's forearms against his chest. Ifrit stood, yawning widely, and jumped down from Jade's lap. The golden tabby's tail stood up straight as he stalked off, stiff-legged, to investigate the grassy area by the porch. Trowa worked one hand free and ran it across Jade's forehead, pushing the long strands of chestnut hair out of Jade's face.

"Do other things frighten you?"

Jade was silent for several minutes, his eyes downcast. Trowa continued to wait, keeping his breathing steady. He was surprised to find himself hoping that Heero didn't come walking up the gravel road, not quite yet. Heero had an overwhelming spirit. It was one of the things that had made him so attractive to Trowa when they'd first met, and still did, but it was becoming a stumbling block in dealing with Jade. Trowa knew it, just as he knew his own compassion was an equally large obstacle. Jade would retreat emotionally when Heero was around, rather than impose himself in a room already filled with Heero's presence.

And I retreat emotionally, Trowa told himself sadly, when Jade appears.

"Being forgotten, Master," Jade whispered, bringing Trowa back to the present. Jade squirmed in Trowa's arms for a bit, then fell still, his fingers playing with the cuff of Trowa's shirt. "Not being good enough," he added.

Trowa ran his hand across Jade's head and down to the braid, pulling it around to the front and giving it a slight tug before wrapping his other arm around Jade, pulling the quiet man close. "You're utterly unforgettable," he replied gently. "And don't you ever forget that." Surprising even himself, he turned his head sideways long enough to kiss Jade on the cheek, holding the caress for a few heartbeats. "And you're good enough...you're _more_ than good enough."

Jade wriggled in his arms, and Trowa lifted his head to see more of Jade's face.

"Jade...you're blushing," he teased.

Jade ducked his head, raising his hands to cover his face, and Trowa laughed.

"Never cover your face," Trowa told him, taking Jade by the wrists and bringing his hands back down. Wrapping his arms around Jade again, he held on tightly as he whispered, "You have so much to be proud of...you've done so much. Survived so much. And you always did it...you always _do_ it with a grace that I envy. Never be embarrassed. Keep your chin up. Be proud."

Jade shuddered, turning suddenly on the step to bury his head under Trowa's chin as he embraced Trowa. His fingers clutched at Trowa, digging into the shirt. Trowa was startled for a second, then smiled sadly as he curled over Jade, holding him just as tightly.

"Master," Jade whispered, his voice muffled in Trowa's shirt. "I just...I want..."

Trowa sighed and turned his head to rest his cheek on Jade's forehead. He ran his fingers up and down Jade's back, hoping that waiting for Jade to speak was the right thing to do.

"I want to make you happy, Master," Jade murmured against Trowa's chest.

Trowa started to say something, but bit back the words. If it was important enough for Jade to say it, there was probably a reason, but he wasn't sure how he could be so certain Jade had more to say. Not the time to frighten him by insisting he speak if he's not ready, Trowa reminded himself. Just wait. It's just like dealing with the big cats. Sometimes they have to move at their own pace, however frustrating it may be.

Several more minutes passed, and Trowa continued to stroke Jade's back with gentle, repetitive movements of his fingertips.

"I'm not good enough," Jade whispered, and there was a world of heartbreak in his voice. "You are so sad sometimes..."

Trowa could feel his chest aching, and words rushed through his head. What can I say, he asked himself, what should I do to reassure him? Sighing, he leaned back, pushing Jade away enough to see Jade's lowered face and furrowed brow.

"I'm sad because I used to know you, and you're different now," Trowa told him. It was a struggle to keep his voice calm, as though they were discussing the weather. "Do you remember...do remember before you were Jade?"

Jade was quiet, tilting his head to the side, his eyes closed. He shook a little, and his fingers tightened against Trowa's shirt. He started to nod, then stopped, and slowly shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Master," Jade whimpered, burying his head under Trowa's chin again. "I wish I did, if it would make you happy." He burrowed into the embracing warmth of Trowa's arms and legs, lifting his head enough to plant a quick kiss against the base of Trowa's throat. His next words were choked, nearly a soft sob. "But I can't lie..."

Trowa wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, and he settled for hugging Jade tightly. He could feel Jade's surprise in the tense muscles, which quickly relaxed into obvious relief.

"Oh, Jade, Jade," Trowa murmured. "Oh, Jade..." Laughing despite the tears threatening to slip from his eyelashes, Trowa hugged the quiet man tightly, unable to do more than smile as Jade's hands crept around his chest to embrace him just as tightly. He knew Jade wasn't sure what he'd done, but Trowa didn't care.

He wouldn't lie, Trowa repeated silently, and wished it meant what he wanted it to mean.

 

 

 

Heero came strolling up the driveway not long afterwards, his eyebrows raised at the sight of Trowa and Jade wrapped around each other on the front porch. Trowa raised his hand, waving briefly, and grinned to see Ifrit's tail in the grass as the cat rushed towards Heero, dropping down onto his belly as the man walked past, unaware. A second later Heero yelped, jumping in place. Trowa nearly fell backwards on the porch, laughing as Ifrit dashed off into the grass, tail pointed straight up like a fuzzy golden banner of war.

Trowa was whispering to Jade what he'd witnessed, as Heero came up to the front porch, looking disgruntled.

"Laugh it up," Heero muttered. "Very funny. Stupid cat."

Jade giggled, his arms still around Trowa's chest, but he released his hold as Trowa patted his arms. Trowa stood up, regarding the bags over Heero's shoulder. "I presume Quatre is to blame for the care packages?"

Heero shrugged, dropping two of the bags on the edge of the porch. Jade scooped them both up, and disappeared into the house, his head down. They could barely hear him giggling over the chiming bells as the door shut gently behind him. Trowa bent down, picking up his flute and disassembling it while Heero talked.

"And Sally, and Relena," Heero replied. "But Wufei's to blame for this one," he said, his tone softening as he brought out a red box that had been tucked under his arm. "I don't know what it is. He said to open it after dinner."

Trowa put the flute away, and took the box from Heero, turning it over in his hands. Ignoring Heero's smug expression, he shook it a little, puzzled at the unidentifiable sounds produced. The box was nearly a foot long, several inches deep, and about a hand's width wide, and wrapped in bright red paper. "Strange. Wufei's not usually one for gifts."

"Who knows," Heero said, his tone a bit reluctant. "I...I think that's the longest we've talked...since the war."

"Ah." Trowa was silent for a moment, studying the last bag, still in Heero's hand. "And that?"

"Files. I don't think we should discuss them while Jade is around."

"I see. Are you hungry? We could have him start dinner. I'll suggest dessert, and making that should keep him occupied. An hour going to be long enough?"

"Two months wouldn't be long enough," Heero sighed, letting his mask fall away to reveal sheer exhaustion. His voice dropped to a whisper. "The things they've found..." His blue eyes searched Trowa's face, and he raised his shoulders in a tired shrug. "Go tell him. I'll wait out here."

"It's going to get cold. Sun should be down in an hour or so."

"It'll be enough time." Heero turned to stare out across the field, dismissing Trowa, and Trowa sighed as he headed inside.

 

 

 

Trowa returned with coffee for each of them, and settled next to Heero on the front step. Their thighs and hips were touching, just enough for Trowa to sense the tension in Heero's muscles. He sipped his coffee, and waited as Heero dug out a brown accordion folder from the last bag.

"These are records from several other cases," Heero said. He set the folder aside, and took a deep breath before telling Trowa about Colston and her interview with Wufei. "She knew of two people who had worked for the organization, and the L2 police raided their residences, and found these files. Wufei suspects they may have kept the records as protection or potential blackmail."

"Holy shit," Trowa said, his eyes unfocused as he imagined the scene. "But why didn't Maxwell get out? If he―"

"She was the fifth person he met," Heero replied, his expression devoid of emotion. "Once he was gone, she hit the silent alarm. When he got to the front door, there were thirty men waiting for him. Colston said she'd heard it took twelve of them to subdue him, and..." He shrugged.

"They didn't kill him." Trowa frowned at his coffee. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Colston said the rumors were that several of the men killed were important to the higher-ups. They didn't want a dead body; they wanted Maxwell to suffer. To pay," Heero muttered, anger starting to seep into his voice. "The only other thing she knew was that he had a mouth on him, and that's why they...trained him to be silent. Wufei told me that Quatre reasons they may have figured Jade's selling price would defray the cost of covering the deaths, and training new people."

Trowa nodded. It made sense, especially the part about Duo's loud mouth. He imagined Duo gave them hell for as long as he could. It made him smile, just a little, but when Heero caught his eye, Trowa could only shake his head. "Lucky break they found her."

Heero shrugged. "Possibly not. Wufei said she's a ticking time bomb. The organization fired her a few days after the incident. Colston refused to go near the area where Maxwell was being held. They moved their location not long after that, too." The Japanese man looked annoyed. "She broke down during the interview and begged Wufei to not tell Maxwell where she is, or how to find her. She's convinced he'll come after her," he added in a dry tone. His expression indicated he wouldn't mind doing it himself.

"What do the case files say?"

Heero blinked at the rapid topic change, and he fingered the edge of the accordion folder before handing it to Trowa. "Do you want to read, or do you want me to tell you? It's...graphic." His face was pale, suddenly.

"I think...tell me. And then I'll read, if I need more information."

"Fine. The first stage consists of deprivation of food, light, and sleep, while constantly restrained. This period lasts for roughly one to four weeks as needed. The subject is also implanted with electrical devices in several locations on the body." Heero paused, and stared off into the distance for several heartbeats, but his expression never wavered. "Certain training sessions," and he nearly snarled the word, then regained his composure, "consist of repeated shocks in conjunction with the use of specific words or phrases. The first word used is the subject's name."

Trowa realized how hard he was gripping the folder, and took a breath, forcing himself to relax.

"Bodily control is introduced next, regulating the subject's trips to the bathroom. There are beatings for any infraction, including unwillingness or inability to use the facilities. Throughout this period, the subjects are kept on a constant level of low-dosage anxiety relaxants. The subject is also rarely left alone, especially during times or events during which one's privacy would be considered...sacrosanct to most people."

"And then?" Trowa was amazed he could find his voice.

"The second stage begins, in which overt and covert behavioralist techniques are used to alter the subject's psychological reflexes and defense mechanisms. The anxiety relaxants are phased out, and chemical euphorics are introduced. Changes in the subject's behavior and mindset are rewarded with food, light, and sleep, along with verbal and...physical feedback." Heero stopped, and shook his head. "The stages are intensified in respect to the resilience of the subject. The more the subject fights, the more..." His voice broke. "Read the information. I don't..."

"I understand."

Heero nodded, pausing long enough to brush his knuckles across the back of Trowa's hand, and stood up, taking the flute case and red box with him. Trowa waited until the front door closed behind the other man, and slid the papers out of the folder. He bent his head to study the case histories.

 

 

 

The light was gone by the time Jade opened the front door. He hovered on the threshold for several seconds before creeping forward, only the chiming of his anklets announcing his presence. Gracefully he folded himself to kneel on the porch next to Trowa, his head down, his hands behind his back as he waited to be acknowledged. Trowa sighed, glancing down at the folder, just barely visible in the dark. Looking up, he stared for a long time into Jade's downcast face. Reaching out, he laid his hand along Jade's face, stroking Jade's cheek with his thumb. Jade smiled a little, tilting his head into the caress, humming softly as he enjoyed the touch.

"Dinner's ready?" Trowa smiled at Jade nodded, but made no move to stand up. Trowa turned on the porch, his hand still on Jade, to see Heero standing in the doorway to the kitchen, a dishcloth over his shoulder. Trowa lowered his hand and patted Jade on the knee. "Come on, then, let's see what smells so good."

 

 

 

Trowa suspected that Heero needed a distraction, or that Heero sensed Trowa was struggling for one. Throughout dinner, Heero entertained them both with the latest news and gossip from Wufei, mostly small stories and inane bits about Sally, Une, Relena, and Quatre. Trowa nodded at appropriate points, asking leading questions when Heero fell silent, and silently wondered at the fact that the chicken had looked and smelled delicious, but tasted like ashes and blood.

"...Sally has finally taught Une poker, and she's managed to clean out the homicide division..."

They beat Duo every time he reacted to his name, Trowa thought. His face was impassive, and he wondered if Heero could tell the thoughts swarming in his head. Hours of being trapped in a small dark room, bound hand and foot, hyped up on drugs, with a recording playing his name, over and over, and every sound accompanied by a mind-searing level of electrical shock.

"...Quatre's middle daughter has talked Wufei into teaching her Chinese..."

Starved until he'd eat rotten food, sleep deprived until he hallucinated, beaten until his body was a mass of bruises, Trowa thought. He glanced at Jade, who wore a pleased smile as he picked meat carefully off the chicken bones and scooped delicate fingerfuls of mashed potatoes into his mouth. No privacy, no name...stripped of everything, including pride.

"...Wufei bought a new bike, an RT-890, with after-market pipes so loud they set off every alarm at Preventers..."

His new name bestowed by unseen faces, whispered a thousand times over endless hours as drugs coursed through his system and the pleasure sensors in his brain were stroked, Trowa thought. Dulling his memory and his mind until the past was a blank slate, with only the present moment existing as real, and only his commands to assure him of his existence. Trowa stared down at his plate, wondering how he'd managed to finish nearly everything.

"...Relena's dumped her fiancé..."

Trowa looked up, then, startled. "What? You mean, that asshole's brother?"

"Thought that might get your attention. Yeah, Wufei said she had no qualms telling the public she was single again, but hasn't given a reason for it." He shrugged and helped himself to the last piece of chicken. "I suspect someone may have alerted her to her future brother-in-law's unsavory interests."

"And who would do that?" Trowa narrowed his eyes, speculating. He thought of it at the same point Heero said it.

"Quatre, Wufei suspects. I can't see Quatre letting Relena walk into that, and risk her reputation."

"You wouldn't, either."

"I'm hardly an unbiased party, in Relena's opinion," Heero pointed out in a reasonable tone. "Regardless, the asshole has been cooperating, and the auction house has accepted Wufei's application for attendance. They've been notified the next auction is in two months."

"Good." Trowa swallowed some water, setting down the glass with a satisfied air. "That was excellent, Jade," he said, gritting his teeth at the fact that he still felt vaguely queasy. At least, he figured, given Heero's appetite, his statement was probably true. It was just his own thoughts keeping him from enjoying the meal. Sighing, he stood up and began clearing the table.

With Heero and Jade's help, it only took ten minutes, and soon Jade was wiping down the table as Heero studied the chaos in the room. "The countertops will be delivered on Monday," he said. "Should we flip for who waits for them?"

"We can worry about that later," Trowa said, shrugging as he wiped his hands. "First, didn't you say Wufei's gift is to be opened after dinner?"

Heero nodded. "There's a letter, too. Let me get it." He headed into the living room, digging in his coat pockets before returning. "He didn't want me to read it right away. Do you want..." He left the question hanging.

"Sure," Trowa said, a little nervous. He took the envelope, flipping it over and pulling the paper out. Unfolding it, he had to smile at Wufei's graceful hand. He'd rarely had a chance to see anyone's actual handwriting, as most of the Preventer correspondence was electronic, but it didn't surprise him that Wufei would have a classic scholarly style. Down to the phrasing, he thought, as he skimmed the letter.

_My friends:_

_We have known each other for many years, and in all that time I have never truly feared that I would lose one of you. It saddens me to realize that I may have taken any of you for granted. I know we have not been close, but this does not mean you have not mattered to me. In fact, if there is any family of mine left in this world, you are a part of it, irrevocably. Although I know my role in this mission is important, I feel bereft at not being able to be there in person to help, in whatever small way I can. I have given this much thought, and I hope my gift is not presumptuous._

_When I was a child, we celebrated the New Year's with parades and feasts, and a certain entertainment that stretches back over three thousand years. I was never a best friend with Maxwell, but I always admired him, and his unswerving belief that playing is something the best - if not the only - way to relieve stress. His good humor and his laughter have kept me company in the worst times, even if I never admitted this to him. At this point, with Maxwell so far away, I think it is time I repay his innumerable kindnesses with a gift that I hope will appeal to the Maxwell we once knew. It is part of my first family's tradition, and in a strange way, part of my second family's, too._

_I keep you each in my heart,_

_Wufei_

Heero picked the envelope up from the table, turning it over as something slid out into his hand with a rustle of paper. He held it up, a puzzled look on his face that melted into amusement as he exchanged it with Trowa for the letter.

"Matches," Trowa said, bewildered. "I'll get the box." A minute later Trowa returned, holding out the gift. "Jade, this is from someone...who cares about you," he said, not sure whether to continue prodding Jade for memories. "Would you like to open it?"

Jade took the box, his fingers shaking as he turned the box over in his hand. Seating himself at the kitchen table, he carefully unwrapped the box, slicing the tape with a fingernail before removing the paper and folding it neatly. Trowa looked over to see Heero's face white with shock.

"That's..." Heero shook his head, as though trying to wake himself. "Such a Maxwell thing," he whispered.

A day for it, Trowa thought, pleased.

Jade was staring at the revealed items, which turned out to be several boxes covered with Chinese lettering. Trowa leaned over the table, cocking his head at them, uncertain. "Jade," he said, unable to hide the excitement. "Open one. See what's in them."

The quiet man nodded, prying back the lid on one end. Several long sticks poured out, and Trowa laughed unexpectedly.

Tucking the matches in Heero's back jeans pocket, Trowa grabbed Jade's wrist with one hand, and Heero's with the other. "Get one of those boxes, Jade, we've got to go outside for this."

"For this?" Heero looked startled, dragged along behind, the letter still in one hand. He stretched out as they passed through the living room, dropping the letter on the sofa as Trowa grabbed their coats. "What are we doing?"

"We're going to _play_ ," Trowa announced, tossing Heero his coat as he helped Jade into a coat and shrugged into his own. When they were properly bundled, he threw the front door open and dragged them down off the porch into the grass.

Jade clutched the box in one hand, and Trowa took it, pulling out a single stick for each. Dropping the box on the edge of the porch, he dug in Heero's pocket for the matches, grinning as Heero snorted at the extra groping motion. Quickly Trowa lit a match, holding it to the end of Jade's stick. The stick flared into sudden life, hissing furiously as it started to spark, and Jade took a step backwards, nearly dropping the stick. Trowa laughed, lighting Heero's stick next, and the Japanese man surprised him by laughing as well.

"Wufei knows him better than all of us," Heero said, but his voice held no rancor. "Playing, _and_ explosives, at the same time."

Trowa nodded, lighting his sparkler last. It flared into sudden glorious light, an arc of green as he swirled it in the air. "You can write things with them," he told the other two men, demonstrating as he drew his name. "Or draw pictures...like rabbits." Quickly he swirled the stick, grinning as the smoky image hung in the air, the brightness burned into their retinas for several seconds.

"That's the craziest looking rabbit I've ever seen," Heero said, swirling his own stick a bit more awkwardly. "Jade, this is your name," he said, drawing the kanji for Jade with a series of large arm movements, flicking his wrist to finish the final arc.

Jade watched, his mouth open, then smiled happily as he began to wave his own sparkler around. Too soon, though, the bright red had faded, and Jade frowned, giving the box a longing look. Trowa handed Jade the matches, and watched as Jade carefully lit a second sparkler, all three grinning merrily as Jade's second sparkler flared into life with a burst of blue.

The three remained outside under the stars, laughing and drawing with light, until the box was empty.


	16. a falling star

Loneliness;  
After the fireworks,  
A falling star.  
_―_ Masaoka Shiki

 

 

 

Heero's eyes flew open. It was several seconds before he registered the ceiling, the creamy butter of the color, the slim line of chalk white that Trowa had missed when painting. The moonlight through the window tinted the sheets a chill blue, fading to gray across the drapes and curves of his and his lover's bodies.

He sat up, taking a deep breath, and wiped the sweat off his forehead. The cool air hit his bare chest, and he shivered involuntarily, staring in fascination at the damp on his fingertips. It was then he realized his hands were shaking, and he swore silently. Slipping from the bed, he gritted his teeth against the cold and grabbed the jeans he'd worn that day. Pulling them on with an abrupt move, he didn't bother to button them all the way, snatching his shirt and sweater from the chair in the corner.

Trowa rolled over on his back, his eyes still closed, and Heero stopped, watching his lover pat at the warm spot he'd left. Trowa mumbled something, and Heero leaned over the bed, running the back of his fingers across Trowa's knuckles. The other man sighed, then, and was still, and Heero felt a melancholy emptiness creeping into his awareness.

Heero took his socks and boots, and made his way downstairs. He wasn't sure what time it was, and didn't care to check the old clock on the wall. Its ticking sound had become a part of the old house's noises, since Trowa and Jade had bought it the previous week, tinkering with it until it ran again. Now he registered the soft chimes every half-hour without counting. It was a strange comfort, to hear the passage of time, he thought.

It had been two weeks since Wufei's visit, and something had changed that night. Heero frowned, his mind going over the same ruts he'd been following since then, deep in the night, when the house was cool and dark. Filling a pot with water for tea, he stood by the stove and watched it boil as he began his nightly ritual.

The kitchen was complete, and while it gave him a sense of satisfaction to know they were one step closer, it also made him uneasy. Glaring at the brightly painted walls, the shelves already half-full with more books, and the pristine wooden cabinets, Heero pulled a chair out and sat down, putting on his socks and boots. After several minutes he checked the pot, and poured the boiling water into a mug. He dropped a tea bag in, and held the mug close, letting the warmth seep into his hands. It didn't reach his heart.

Heero wondered if anything could reach his heart, now.

Sighing, he stared around at the house, analyzing the list of projects they'd completed. They'd begun planning on turning the barn into a habitable space, and were due to pick up a shipment of wood to create a raised floor. Next, he catalogued, they would install a sub-frame for the barn walls, insulate, put up drywall, and paint. A wood-stove would provide heat. They were both hoping to use the barn as a workshop, and perhaps as a sparring space. The days were getting shorter and colder, as November ushered in the first stages of winter.

Sixty-six days, Heero thought, idly, his thumb caressing the ceramic cup as he moved to the front door. Without even noting a destination, he grabbed his coat, zipping it up before taking his mug and stepping onto the front porch. Absent-mindedly he sipped the tea as he stepped down from the porch, letting his feet go where they would, not noting or caring.

My life would be completely different, with one bullet, he thought. There were so many points in his life, he mused, that a single bullet would have made all the difference. A single death to tumble through his history like dominos, one bullet to scatter the playing pieces across the table of his life, to shred the pattern of his fate. Mariemaia...Relena...Duo.

The morning after Wufei's visit, Heero knew, it had all fallen apart, but more than two weeks of mulling it over had brought him no closer to a cause, and no closer to a solution. Wufei's cautious and tentative words after lunch had provided a sense of contentment and closeness with the other man that Heero had never known. Somehow, with minimal words, the two had finally acknowledged their rivalry, their respect, and ultimately, their regrets, what few each had. Heero was stunned and secretly pleased to know he'd been a point against which Wufei had strived, and had laughed softly, knowing Wufei understood the sound for what it was: a recognition that the sentiment worked in both directions.

And then, Heero thought, staring blindly at the barn ahead of him, everything started coming apart at the seams.

There was no rip in the fabric of the house's relationships. Nothing he could point to, but his mind worried at the fray, pulling here, twitching there, watching the threads dissolve, pulling the gap wider even as he struggled every day to hold it together. Sixteen days, and Jade still wouldn't speak to him. Instead, he had to bear listening to Trowa relay the few words Jade would let spill from his lips. Simple words, little phrases. Once he'd returned early, stealthy, coming through the back door and avoiding the creaky boards. Above his head, Trowa and Jade were straightening up the loft. Trowa was laughing; a soft chuckle, a teasing sound, and Jade had uttered a single word, in a shocked but amused tone.

"Master!"

Heero's heart splintered at the single word, and he turned, stumbling blindly from the house, ignoring Trowa's surprised call from the loft. He'd grabbed the keys and driven off, unable to face Trowa, unable to see Jade's downcast face. He didn't return for several hours, buying groceries and more towels to pass the time and give himself something to do. He'd said nothing when he returned, and Trowa had let him be.

Jade won't talk to me, or around me. Heero's thoughts were tinged with bitterness, his exhausted mind balancing somewhere between disappointment and hurt. Under it, though, was the one thread missing that he couldn't seem to replace or mend. He didn't trust Trowa, and he didn't trust Jade, and most importantly, he didn't trust himself. One of the three was going to hurt him.

I hate him, Heero murmured silently, amazed to admit it, even to himself.

In his dreams, he'd be standing at the door to Duo's prison cell, only it was Jade: that vapid, contented smile, the bright red sweater, the blue jeans, the mismatched socks, and the one shoelace that never seemed to stay tied. And Heero would raise the gun, and Jade would lift his chin, prop himself against the wall, and wait.

And in his dream, every night, Heero would pull the trigger.

He sipped the tea out of habit, if only because the mug was in his hand, and grimaced as the bitterness hit his throat. Heero moved past the barn, through its dark midnight shadow to the path behind the cabin. His feet crunched the frozen leaves beneath his feet, the latest strong frost to grip the nights. Snow would be coming soon, he thought, and it would swath his hatred and pain in a layer of fine, deep ice.

Water, he thought. Water is ice, in a different form, but I could melt water. He stared down into his mug, and frowned at the introspection. Water shifts and changes its shape, but is always itself. At the core, it remains uniquely identifiable.

Jade is not Duo, he told himself. There is no water here, nothing that will shift or meld from the warmth of the love we've bestowed. And I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of watching Jade move away from me, seeking Trowa.

Afraid of being forgotten, Heero thought, his mind hearing Trowa's voice quietly report Jade's words. Afraid of not being good enough, Heero added, and snorted. Duo was never afraid of that. Duo always knew his own worth, no matter what anyone around him said or did. Duo didn't give a damn who remembered or forgot him; he'd often said what mattered were his own memories, not the history books.

I didn't forget him. Heero finished the last of tea, feeling the dregs from the teabag on his tongue. I didn't forget him. That's not my guilt. And that's not Duo's fear. It's Jade's. Not Duo. Jade. He shoved the silent mantra away in disgust. He'd repeated it enough in the past two weeks.

Vaguely he was aware he was circling back around to the house, inexorably drawn towards the warmth of the bed despite the sense that what he sought wasn't waiting for him. He'd asked Jade, a few day's after Wufei's visit, whether Jade was frightened of him, but received only a small smile and a quick shake of the head that became a slight shrug before Jade scampered off to find Trowa. Jade had avoided him after that, skittishly, until the next day. Heero wondered if it was because Jade was aware that Heero knew it was not the same answer Jade had given Trowa. Perhaps Jade realized the betrayal inherent in the different answer. Or perhaps Jade only sensed the responding anger that rose in Heero, too quickly to squash.

He lied, Heero told himself. Angry suddenly, he brought his hand back, throwing the mug at the nearest tree. It shattered with the report of a gunshot. He dropped his hand, panting at the emotions roiling in his system.

Duo never lied. Heero sighed, letting his head fall back, the moon's light a cold breath across his face as he closed his eyes against the stars. Years of friendship with Duo, and he still didn't completely understand Duo's peculiar motto. He'd scoffed at it, the first time Quatre had repeated it to him, seeing it as a ridiculously overblown statement, just like the rest of the cocky L2 terrorist. But years of war, and years of peace, and he'd never seen Duo run and hide. Not even once. The man planted his feet, braced himself, and was there to the end of every battle, every argument, every conflict. He never ran and hid.

It occurred to Heero that he'd never questioned that motto, placed against Duo's behavior over so many years of friendship. He'd certainly never had reason to suspect before that Duo had ever lied outright.

But truth and fiction, Heero realized with a clarity born of two weeks of sleepless nights, has nothing to do with it.

Duo called himself a coward, but not lying didn't mean he always told the truth, nor did his motto clarify whether he meant lying in general or about only about his cowardice. In fact, Heero reminded himself, Duo had often shifted his words over the course of their friendship, omitting or rephrasing to fit his need or the situation. His diffident motto simply declared him to be a dishonorable person, but at the same time made it clear he wasn't a hypocrite about it. Duo acknowledged his dishonor, perhaps more so than many honorable people who'd willingly accept a level of two-faced self-delusion to get through the days. The entire meaning, Heero realized with a hiss of indrawn breath, could be summed up in the phrase: I know myself. There was no greater meaning, no promise of truth, and no guarantee of reliance. Duo would serve his own purposes as he saw fit, suiting only himself, but he was honest about it.

So that's honor among thieves. Heero looked around. He'd come to a standstill in the cabin's front yard. A light appeared in the main room of the house, then shifted, disappearing as it moved away from the front windows. He wondered whether Trowa was awake, and planning to come looking for him.

And now, he told himself, there is no Duo, only Jade. Does Jade know himself? Can one know one's true self, if one doesn't know one's history? What makes a person an individual, if not the accumulated experiences, the threads woven into the psyche over the course of years? Heero could feel his thoughts slipping back into the nightly pattern, circling around to the dominos laid out across his mind. With a dull fascination, he tapped one, and could feel them fall. Each was something Jade did, that made Heero's heart leap with hope, and yet things that constantly begged questions - it was exhausting. Setting them up, hoping them to be true, and knocking them down, knowing them to be false.

The way Jade folded the wrapping paper neatly, squirreling it away somewhere as though he'd need it later. The way Jade would carefully save all scraps of food left from a meal, serving it the next time they sat down at the table. The way Jade would borrow Heero's jeans, but only the ones with the button-fly. The way Jade tied his boots with granny knots, and the way one of the laces always seemed to come untied, making Jade walk with a curious lazy shuffle until he propped one ankle across his knee, balanced on one leg, and retied the bootlace.

Heero let his shoulders slump, watching from his place in the middle of the small front yard, as the front door opened. A bundled figure stepped out, but the hurricane lamp's opaque back was to the figure. It cast the figure in darkness, as the light blinded Heero momentarily. He listened intently, waiting for the footsteps to identify Trowa.

The way Jade would scratch the back of his head when Trowa would ask his opinion and Jade wasn't sure how to respond. The way Jade would invariably end up sleeping sprawled across his bed, on his back, his arms spread wide, one foot hanging off the mattress. The way Jade watched and listened and waited for moments to show how much he wanted to please.

A hundred little things that could be Duo, but were Jade: inexorably, undeniably, Jade. The center of Duo's universe was Duo, Heero thought bitterly. The center of Jade's universe was Trowa.

Always Trowa, Heero thought angrily. He shoved the emotion away, watching as the light came closer. It stopped several feet away, and was set down. Heero blinked, as Jade approached, his hands holding out a teapot. Heero scowled and shoved his hands in his pockets, and Jade halted, uncertain. The silent man ducked his head, bringing the teapot back to his chest as he scuttled backwards.

"Don't try to make me happy," Heero whispered harshly, startled as the words flew from his mouth. "You can't."

Jade froze, his chestnut bangs hanging low over his face. Heero thought absently he should remind Trowa it was time to trim Jade's hair, and he shoved the thought away, annoyed. He glared at Jade, a challenge in the tension of his shoulders and legs, and waited for Jade to retreat, even as he pondered the fact that it was Jade who had come to him, and not Trowa. Angry, he stepped forward, bringing his boot down hard on the frozen ground.

"Go back inside," he said, his voice coming up a notch, icy to match the moon's stark shadows around him. "I don't _want_ you here."

Jade flinched, clutching the teapot closer, but didn't move.

"Go!" Heero yelled, stepping forward again, perversely pleased by the sight of Jade cowering. It proved the falling dominos, once again. The pattern was broken. "You're not my friend! Go away!"

Jade fell back a step, his hands coming up to cover his face. At the same instant, he dropped the teapot. It hit the ground, breaking in two. The lid rolled away as steaming liquid poured out onto the ground. The Japanese man glowered and raised a hand, his lips pulled back in a snarl.

"Stop that!" Heero took another step and grabbed Jade by the upper arms, ignoring Jade's terrified whimper as he dug his fingers into Jade's arms. "Stop cowering! Stop groveling!" He shook Jade, registering Jade's teeth clattering together as he was thrown back and forth by the violent motion. "You're nothing," Heero shouted, shaking Jade with every word. "You're a mockery of the person I knew. I'd never forget my friend...but I'd forget you, and never miss you! You're _nothing_ ," he yelled.

Frustrated, furious, he shoved Jade backwards, watching as Jade hit the frozen ground and rolled a few feet, curling immediately into a ball. Heero stalked over to the quivering figure, glaring down at it. Jade's hands were over his head as he crouched at Heero's feet. He moaned softly, and curled up tighter. The move made Jade's jeans ride up, and the anklets chimed softly. Heero growled, disgusted, and dropped to his knees.

"You're _pathetic_ , _"_ he snarled, grabbing Jade by the ankle, ripping off Jade's boot. "Every time I hear those fucking bells I―" but he couldn't finish the sentence, his fingers finding the metal of their own accord.

The figure whimpered, the leg kicking in Heero's grasp, and Heero's lip curled in loathing as he tightened his hold. Digging his fingers under the anklet, he began to bend the metal, knocking Jade's other leg away as Jade thrashed and cried, trying to get away from him.

"Hold still, damn it," Heero growled, twisting the metal in his fingers, impervious to Jade's cries.

He could feel the metal weakening, caught between his grasp and Jade's ankle. Heero pulled it sharply, bending it up. He ignored the pinch on his fingers as the move bound the anklet tight against Jade's skin. Jade screamed and tried to yank his ankle out of Heero's hands, but Heero didn't loosen his hold. Jade twisted, his screams mingling with sobs as he kicked at Heero. The Japanese man caught the flailing leg, twisting it automatically as he knocked it away. Jade cried out, clawing at the ground, wailing as he struggled. Heero grunted from the effort, folding the metal up, then back again in a quick move. He felt the anklet snap beneath his grasp, and reached for Jade's other foot.

_"Heero! No!"_

The shout was loud and desperate. Heero froze, uncertain. Then Trowa was between them, shoving Heero backwards, his body over Jade's. Heero scowled at Trowa's glare, falling back on his haunches. Trowa's face was lit on one side by the lamp's golden glow, and lit by blue moonlight on the other. His eyes were wide, and blazing.

"Heero," Trowa pleaded. He didn't even look down as Jade crawled into his arms. The wailing faded into a low keening sound, muffled by Trowa's thin shirt. "Heero, what are you _doing?"_

Heero glowered, unable to mask the anger still coursing through his body. He felt repulsed, seeing Jade clutch helplessly at Trowa. Bile rose in his throat at the way Trowa gathered Jade to him, cradling him closely.

"Stop coddling him," Heero spat. "He's never going to come back if you let him be."

"It takes time," Trowa retorted. Heero could see Trowa's hands moving over Jade's back, reassuring Jade as he sobbed softly against Trowa's neck. "It takes time," Trowa repeated, his eyes never leaving Heero as he carefully stood, bringing Jade with him. Jade kept one leg raised, the bare foot held off the ground. "You're not achieving a damn thing, yelling at him for something he doesn't understand," Trowa added, holding Jade tight to his chest.

"He _does_ understand," Heero shouted, coming to his feet. Anger flared in him like a hissing firecracker. "He's not a child. He's a grown man!"

"He's a grown man who was tortured for six fucking months, Heero!" Trowa's voice shot up as well, and he frowned as Jade moaned, sinking back down to a ball. "God damn it, Heero, get out of here. Go back to bed," Trowa ordered curtly.

Heero hesitated, his fury deflating as he watched Trowa crouch down, his hands plucking at Jade's coat as he urged the sobbing man to stand again. This is not my enemy, he told himself, and the burden of years seemed to settle on his shoulders. He couldn't move, trapped, watching as his lover helped Jade stand. Heero could sense the dominos falling. A single touch, a simple step, and the world became chaos.

"Go on," Trowa whispered, the edge in his voice carrying a threat. Heero's eyes opened a little wider, and he stepped back instinctively. Trowa brought one hand up to point at the house, even as his other hand cradled the back of Jade's neck as Jade sobbed. "Get back in the house, go to bed, and damn well stay out of my way for awhile."

"Tro―"

" _Now_ ," the other man hissed.

Heero sighed, dropping his head. He left the teapot shards where they lay, and blindly made his way inside. Stripping off his coat, he started to head up the stairs, and thought better of it. Something quiet, and still, deep inside, whispered to him, and he let it speak, following its gentle prodding, letting his feet move without conscious thought. Collapsing onto the sofa, he pulled the blanket off the back to cover him, rolling over and stretching out as he stared blindly at the dark fireplace.

Who was he, that he could feel this way? Who was he?

 

 

 

Trowa and Jade came inside several minutes later. Heero's acute hearing could pick out their tread; Trowa's steady pace, and the uneven thump as Jade limped, still sobbing quietly. He could hear the creak and shift of the mattress as two bodies sank down on it. He forced himself into sleep, pushing away the sounds of Jade's soft crying, and Trowa's whispered reassurances.

He still heard Jade's cries in his dreams, and once again he shot Jade in the prison cell. But this time, Duo wasn't smiling, nor did he prop himself up, waiting expectantly. He was huddled against the wall, his hands over his head. No attachments, someone said, and Heero raised the gun, took aim, and fired.

Heero woke up abruptly at dawn, and it took several seconds for the room to resolve itself around him. He could hear Trowa's low voice in the loft, nearly inaudible, a soothing tone, and Heero sat up with a groan. Rubbing his forehead, he ran his fingers through his hair and got up, planning to put on clean clothes. He halted, however, when he saw Jade at the top of the stairs. Jade nearly fell backwards, scrambling to get away, and Trowa appeared a second later, his expression closed and suspicious.

The only possible thing to do was back away, to stand by the sofa. Heero waited as Trowa descended the stairs, his expression worried and drawn as Jade cowered behind him. The two moved into the kitchen, and Heero sighed, the words caught in his throat as he watched them pass. Steeling himself, he headed upstairs, got a change of clothes, showered, collected the laundry, and left the house without saying a word.

He returned five hours later, with clean clothes and groceries. Trowa met him at the door, but said nothing. Trowa's cool green eyes dared him to say something, or perhaps he was simply waiting. Heero wasn't sure. His ability to read Trowa's face and meanings seemed to be fading in the distance, and he could only go about his chores silently, doing his best to stay away from Jade.

The silence was broken a day later, when they began laying the boards across the floor joists they'd laid in the barn. Heero asked for the hammer, and Trowa paused before handing it to him. After that, their conversation was limited to short phrases, and only related to the task at hand, but at least, Heero told himself, it was a start.

The only problem was that he wasn't sure what the end would be.

 

 

 

Heero spent three nights on the sofa, unwilling to return without a clear invitation.

Jade continued to avoid him, and Heero did his best to ignore Jade in return. If anything, his sense of alienation had only deepened, aggravated each time he remembered the way Jade had curled in a ball at his feet. Not Duo, he thought, watching Jade from the corner of his eye as the silent man scurried to keep up with Trowa, favoring his hurt ankle. Not Duo, he would tell himself, hearing the chime of Jade's remaining anklet as the silent man made coffee for Trowa. Trowa spent the next few evenings on the computer, and Jade was his shadow, vigilant in his efforts to keep Trowa as a living barrier against Heero.

Heero contemplated joining them, but decided against it. He stared at the guitar for a long time, and then set it aside. Picking a book at random, he settled down by the fire. Heero was well into the book when he realized Trowa had shut off the computer and entered the living room. Trowa paused by the sofa, and Jade hovered behind him, head down and pressed against Trowa's shoulder.

"The meaning of the semi-precious stone, Jade," Trowa said calmly, "is longevity. Are you coming to bed?"

Heero paused, then nodded, setting the book aside. For the first time in three nights, he shared a bed with Trowa, but they didn't touch, and they didn't speak. Heero stared at the ceiling, his hands curled around the edges of the blanket as Trowa turned on his side, facing away from Heero. It was a long night, but there were no more dreams that Heero could recall. He awoke feeling restless and exhausted, a sour taste in his mouth, but hoping for time with Trowa. He didn't say anything, however, unable to find the words. He could only watch as Trowa got up, dressed, and left to help Jade with breakfast.

The days passed in silence. They continued the barn project, trying to beat the advancing winter. The wood stove was delivered, the studs were raised, and the insulation was installed. Heero spent an hour every morning chopping wood, stacking some on the porch ends, the rest along one side of the barn. He buried himself in everything he did, but there was little he could do about his head, or his heart.

Snow began to fall, and Heero watched as Trowa bundled Jade up for a hike. Trowa glanced at Heero over Jade's shoulder, but Heero turned away. He wanted to go, but he couldn't, at the same time. The snow continued to fall, that night and into the next day. Heero watched the snow cloak the world, and let the cold bury his heart. Days turned into a week, then two weeks, the hours marked by chores and goals, few words, and no laughter. Heero could feel Trowa slipping away, but he could no longer find the warmth to melt the ice between them, anymore than he could entreat the sun to melt the snow frozen on the gravel road.

He was lost. When Heero looked in the mirror, he no longer recognized himself staring out from his eyes.

 

 

 

Eighty-three days, Heero thought, numb. He stretched a little, tempted to stay under the covers rather than get up and face another day of being avoided by Jade, and watched by Trowa. At some point, he told himself, things will break. But until then...he sighed, unable to complete the sentence. He felt trapped and broken, lost in a world with no road map. He could only keep his distance.

Heero opened his eyes, blinked, and opened them wider as he registered the sight in front of him. Trowa was seated on the bedroom chair, leaning back a little, his arms crossed, his head down, and his legs stretched out in front of him. Heero frowned, puzzled, and sat up; reaching for the sweater he'd hung over the bedpost the night before. He was dressed in a nightshirt and flannel pajama bottoms, like he had since the night after he'd broken Jade's anklet. Trowa hadn't touched him since, Heero thought bitterly, but didn't blame his lover.

Watching Trowa out of the corner of his eye, Heero pulled the sweater over his head, and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Trowa's eyes opened, and they studied him carefully. Heero returned the gaze, and something stabbed in his gut as he registered just how exhausted and worn the other man looked. Trowa's eyes were dull, his lips thin, a fine line between his brows as he regarded Heero evenly.

Heero waited, sensing the point had come. The hand was hovering over the last standing dominos, his mind whispered. From this point forward...

"I think you should leave," Trowa said.

Heero blinked. He'd been braced, somehow. And at the same time, he'd been hoping. He recognized it, in that second, and hated himself for the sudden flare of joy, of agonizing exhilaration: free. At the same time, he couldn't move.

Trowa shifted a little in the chair, unfolding his arms to lay them limply in his lap. "I think...you want to be gone, more than you want to be here. And I...I can't blame you for that." Trowa lifted his head, then, his green eyes piercing. "But I do blame you for not having the decency to be honest about it. I do blame you for making me be the one to say it."

"I don't understand," Heero whispered. His hands clenched the bedclothes, waiting for the world to right itself.

"I've waited two weeks for you to make amends." Trowa's expression was cool, but his eyes were narrowed, falling away from Heero's rather than remaining steady. Heero could see the pain Trowa was working hard to mask, and he felt leaden, unable to muster the words to assuage the hurt. Trowa's voice was hoarse. "I'd say I've been pretty patient."

"I didn't know what to say."

"You could have started with a simple apology." A flash of pain replaced the cool expression for a heartbeat, but Trowa visibly tensed, and the vulnerability was gone.

Heero nodded, hearing the words, even as he struggled to feel something through the layers of ice around his chest. "I'm―"

"No."

Heero looked up, startled.

"You just proved my point," Trowa said flatly, his gaze settled on Heero, his expression inscrutable. "I'm not the one to whom you owe the apology."

"He's not―"

"I _don't_ want to hear it." A muscle flickered in Trowa's jaw. "He may not be the person you once knew, but he has feelings. And you scared the living _shit_ out of him. You were brutal, and cruel, for no reason other than your own frustration."

The room was silent, and Heero held his breath. Finally he nodded, dropping his eyes to stare down at his hands. Callused, and worn, splinters from setting two-by-fours, blisters from the ax: so much work, he thought, and I destroyed everything through my own rash acts. He sighed, faintly hearing a girl's voice from years ago, echoing in his head.

_You want me to kill you so you can be free of your guilt._

"...and take the Jeep," Trowa was saying. Heero looked up sharply, his mind running through memories as he tried to focus on Trowa's words. "Quatre and Emmy are loaning me their second car."

I am not a coward, Heero told himself. I will not seek the easy way out. He set his jaw. "I don't want to leave."

"I think you should," Trowa replied. He glanced off across the loft, towards the stairs. "I...I think perhaps...you being here is not helping."

"I don't―"

"There's no option. You can't have me, and not have Jade. It's a package deal, now."

Heero frowned, searching Trowa's face for some sign, some indication. He wasn't sure what he wanted, other than something impossible that wouldn't happen. He could hear that girl's voice, the words spinning through his head, and could feel the gun in his hand. His fingers clenched, as though wrapped around a barrel of metal, cool in his grasp, and he was suddenly angry.

Coming to his feet, Heero ignored Trowa's frown, stepping past the man to slam his bare feet into his boots. Heero vaguely noted Trowa coming to his feet as well, but sudden energy was coursing through Heero's system. "There's one thing I have to do," he said, as he stormed down the stairs. Trowa was calling out to him, bewildered, but Heero didn't stop.

Throwing the front door open, Heero strode out into the snow, down the cleared path to the barn. Yanking the door open, he covered the distance quickly, throwing aside the painting drop cloths and dragging out Jade's trunk. Hefting it onto his shoulders, he returned to the house, stalking past Trowa and Jade without a glance in their direction. He kicked the coffee table out of the way and dropped the chest unceremoniously by the fireplace. He didn't bother with the lid mechanism, but ripped the top from the trunk, breaking it across his knee. Shards of wood exploded in all directions, and Heero tossed the pieces in his hand into the fire.

"Heero, what are you―"

"All of it," Heero snapped. "I'm not leaving this shit here. It doesn't deserve to exist," he said, pulling out the whips, the cane, the cat o' nine tails, and throwing them on the open fire. The leather crackled at the heat, and began to curl as the fire licked along the edges.

Jade whimpered, his arms stretching out as he came around the sofa. Trowa grabbed at Jade, pulling him backwards. Trowa gaped at Heero, too stunned to keep the anger on his face. "You said it was a security―"

"I know what I said. I was wrong! The only way free is to destroy this," Heero retorted, pulling up the first wooden tray. He smashed it against his knee, and threw the pieces in his hands into the fireplace. Shards hit the floor, but Heero ignored them.

"Heero, stop," Trowa insisted, his voice urgent enough to break through Heero's fury. "We'll burn the rest outdoors."

"Fine," Heero said. He threw the restraints on the sofa, close enough for Trowa to grab them. Pulling out the second tray, he smashed that as well, letting his frustration and helplessness ripple through his muscles as he destroyed the wood. Reaching down, he grabbed the first box his hand touched, as Jade moaned in the background, caught in Trowa's arms.

Heero ripped the lid off the box, crushing the black cardboard in one hand as he stared down into the box. It was an electrical device of some sort, but he didn't hesitate. Upturning the box, he watched the equipment hit the rug, then picked up one foot and smashed down on it. Jade howled in the background, and Trowa shouted something, but Heero ignored them. Pulling out the next box, he tore off the lid, not even pausing at the sight of so many phallic-shaped objects. He didn't pause, ripping the rubber and latex items, shredding them and tossing them aside. Then he reached down for the last box, tossing the cardboard lid into the fire.

Then he looked down, and froze.

Anger consumed him suddenly, but it wasn't the white heat of battle, or the bloody fury of the moment before. It was an icy thread, which started as a trickle down his spine, then shot through his nerves to the tips of his fingers. His vision narrowed down to a single point as he reached into the box, and pulled out Duo's braid.

Jade screamed and hit the floor by the sofa, cowering with his hands over his head, his entire body shaking. He pressed himself against the end of the sofa, as though trying to crawl under it to hide, and Heero looked up. Distantly he knew Trowa was saying something, and that Jade was screaming, but he couldn't breathe. Everything distilled down to a single point, as he registered the wooden handle at the top of the braid, and the binding halfway down. He saw, in fine detail, the way the braid was separated, past the binding, into myriad small braids, each one ending with a sharp metal point. For a second he thought of rust, then noticed the way the stiffness of the hair, the coarse beads of color on the metal. Heero had killed enough people in his life to recognize dried blood.

Heero's world exploded.

"No!" Heero screamed, raising the braid as he turned and kicked viciously at the sofa. Trowa sidestepped barely in time as the sofa slid across the floor to slam into the wall, revealing Jade cowering between the two men. " _How_?" Heero's question was to no one and everyone. He raised the braid, his fists white-knuckled, and tore at the weapon.

"How? _How?"_ He could no longer track what he was saying, his mouth moving as his mind distantly watched. "You were feared! You were the scourge of OZ. Duo! _How?_ How could this happen? You were―" His voice broke, and he gasped, his breathing ragged. Heero stared at the braid, a tangle of torn hair and blood and metal and wood in his hands. "Duo," he moaned, absently hearing Jade sob at the name. "I don't understand. Why? You...you never gave up, you never gave in. You were _Shinigami_."

The name seemed to suck the air from the room, and Heero halted his words, seeing Trowa freeze. Trowa's eyes were fixed on Jade, who had fallen suddenly silent. Heero grasped the braid in one hand, his entire body shaking. He opened his mouth, and was startled when Trowa spoke first.

"Heero," Trowa said, his voice low. "Don't move."

Heero blinked, caught off-guard by the order. His gaze flickered back to Jade, who was slowly uncurling from his position. Jade's arms came down, a languid move, palms flat on the wooden floor as Jade levered his upper body off the floor. His movements were deliberate. Heero drew in breath through his teeth, but remained perfectly still as he watched.

Jade lifted his head, and looked directly at Heero. Jade smiled, and Heero's blood froze.

Shinigami.


	17. in this storm

Even a wild boar  
With all other things  
Blew in this storm.  
_―_ Basho Matsuo

 

 

 

Trowa tensed, but kept his breathing steady as he watched the side of Jade's face. Jade was smiling up at Heero from his crouch on the floor, and Heero was perfectly still. The tableau held for several heartbeats, then Jade's gaze slipped down to stare at the braid. His smile faltered for a moment, and his body tensed.

"Guess you're back for more," Jade said. His baritone voice was pitched normally, and friendly, as though commenting on the weather. "You sick fucks need to find a better hobby."

Heero's eyes flickered to Trowa, just enough time for Trowa to also glance pointedly at the braid, hoping Heero would get the message. In that heartbeat, Jade tensed, his head turning as he took in his surroundings. His attention slammed back to focus squarely on Heero, however, when Heero moved almost imperceptibly. Trowa took advantage of the distraction to step just a bit more to the side, until he could see Jade's profile more clearly. Jade was staring in fascination at the trunk, and the shattered remains of wood, latex, and electrical parts. The braid-whip twitched in Heero's hands, and Jade's chin wavered for a second, then jutted.

Jade sat back on his heels, put his hands behind his head, and ripped his sweater and shirt off in one smooth motion. Throwing them to the side without looking, he bowed over, his forearms in front of his knees. His head was up, and his eyes never left the braid in Heero's hand.

"Well, get it over with," he hissed. His voice twisted into a mockery of amusement. "The sooner you finish, the sooner you can go jack off somewhere in a corner, like a little boy under the covers late at night."

Heero's eyebrows went up, and he bent down at the knees, his eyes still on Jade, and pointedly dropped the braid on the floor. It landed with a whishing and clattering sound from the tangled hair and metal hooks, followed by a thump as the wooden handle hit the floor. Jade flinched, a frown forming. Jade licked his lips nervously, staring at the braid-whip for several seconds, his eyes narrowing, before he glanced quickly around the room one more time.

"This a new game?"

Jade's voice sounded mildly bored, but Trowa thought he detected a note of anxiety. The muscles rippled under Jade's bare skin as he shifted his weight. One foot came up, toes getting a grip on the floor. Trowa braced himself, his hands open, and rocked forward a little onto the balls of his feet. Heero saw the move and did the same.

"Jade," Trowa whispered. He was startled to see Jade relax suddenly, the movement rippling over his body. It was followed closely by a quick shake of the head and Jade laughed, softly, like he was amused. Trowa's frown deepened, nothing for the first time that Jade's eyes didn't seem to be entirely focused. They were deep blue, but flat and dull.

Jade wasn't seeing them. How would they get Jade to recognize them?

"Oh, so it's head games today?" Jade tilted his head at Heero, then looked over his shoulder at Trowa, and his unpleasant grin widened. "What's it going to be this time?" Jade shifted again, bringing more weight up on the foot. His smile tightened for a second. "Y'know, playing good cop, bad cop gets rather predictable."

Trowa caught the quick glance, and moved at the same instant as Jade. The longhaired man launched himself at the front door, and Trowa slammed into him, wrapping his arms around Jade. Trowa spun them both, crashing against the door with his back from the momentum. Jade twisted out of his grasp, turning, but Heero was already there, blocking Jade's flying arm with a forearm.

The return punch from Heero knocked Jade backwards momentarily, against the stairs railing. Trowa stepped in the way as Jade leapt upwards again, snarling viciously. He crashed into Trowa, clawing blindly at Trowa's face and neck until Trowa brought his fists up between Jade's arms and forced his forearms outwards, knocking Jade's arms away. Jade responded with a quick shove, and darted for the front door. His hand was on the doorknob as Heero grabbed Jade by the shoulder. Heero yanked, swinging the shorter man around. Jade's braid arced behind him as he spun, and Heero slammed a fist into Jade's diaphragm.

Jade's eyes flickered up to Heero's face, and then Trowa's, as he hung for a second, poised on Heero's fist. A strange expression of confusion and hurt flashed across Jade's face, and his eyes slid shut. Suddenly he sagged in Heero's arms, and the Japanese man groaned slightly as he struggled to keep Jade from falling to the floor. Trowa stepped forward, taking Jade from Heero. Turning to lean against the door, Trowa locked his left arm around Jade's waist, and his right arm across Jade's shoulders, pinning the shorter man in place, his bare back against Trowa's chest.

"Lot more of you than there was ten years ago," Trowa muttered. Jade shuddered, his head down, slumped in Trowa's arms. "Jade," Trowa called gently.

"Master," Jade whispered, and coughed a few times. His voice gained in strength, a taunting note reentering his tone. "Rhymes with bastard. Sounds an awful lot alike, don't they? What's that, a homonym? Or a synonym?"

Jade's head came up sharply as Heero stepped closer. Trowa could see the wary expression on Jade's face as he watched Heero's movement. Heero frowned as he studied Jade. His blue eyes were fixed on Jade, piercing, unrelenting, until Jade's head dropped a little, his eyes sliding away from Heero's stare.

"Fine," Jade muttered. "Let's just get this over with. Whatever you're gonna do, get on with it."

"We're not going to do anything," Heero replied, his voice perfectly level.

Jade wriggled in Trowa's arms, stilling when Trowa didn't release his hold around Jade's chest. "Oh, that's just precious," Jade said, but the chuckle sounded forced. "What's the point of the staring game, then? Maybe you're running out of options."

Running out of sanity is more like it, Trowa thought, and shook his head a bit as though it could clear his thoughts. His brain was stumbling over hearing Duo's voice again, instead of Jade's hesitant whisper.

"We are not out of options in the _least_ ," Heero answered. He stepped closer. He glanced at Trowa over Jade's head, his eyes narrowing a minute fraction, the message clear.

Trowa nodded and relaxed his hold. He was surprised to feel Jade press back against him, before jerking away with a gasp. Heero stepped out of the way and Jade sank to his knees a few feet away from them, his back to the closet door. Jade's deep blue eyes darted back and forth, taking in his surroundings before returning quickly to measure the two men standing over him.

Give him something, Trowa thought suddenly: something to do. He wasn't sure if it the right option to choose, or if there were any right options still possible. He felt like walking out of the house and not coming back, or crawling into bed and sleeping for two days. The palms of his hands itched, and he felt dizzy, staring down at Jade, curled into a defensive ball, backed up against the closet door.

"Jade," Trowa said, a little uneasy at how calm his voice sounded. "It's time to make breakfast."

Jade's eyes widened, and he chewed his lower lip for a second, glancing around the room one more time. "Maybe I'll poison you both. Ever think about that?"

"You'll suffer the same fate," Trowa replied. "You're eating breakfast with us."

Jade's eyes went impossibly wide, his gaze darting back and forth between the two men. They didn't move, and Jade exhaled slowly, the grin reappearing on his face. "I was right! Head games."

"Breakfast," Trowa ordered, dropping his voice to a flat tone. " _Now_ , Jade."

"Master," Jade whimpered, his eyes dropping to the floor. Heero's breath was a hiss in the silent room, and Jade's shoulders hunched as his head came up, but he didn't look at either of them. "Bastard, I meant."

Heero jerked his head at Trowa, who nodded, waiting as Heero led the way into the kitchen. Jade watched Heero leave, and sighed, so quietly that Trowa nearly didn't catch it. Then Jade shocked Trowa by getting up on all fours and crawling after Heero. Trowa frowned.

"Jade!"

Jade immediately curled into a ball, his forehead pressed against the wooden floor. Trowa leaned over him, unable to ignore the hurt stabbing his heart as Jade flinched away from the hands landing on his bare shoulder. Trowa took a breath, and tried to modulate his voice to a calmer tone.

"Jade, in this house, we walk."

Jade came up with a violent movement, and twisted in place to smack Trowa's hands away. He glared at Trowa. "Don't touch me like that," he hissed. "Just beat me and get it over with."

Trowa's breath was gone in a rush. He felt like he'd just been punched solidly in the gut. "I'm not going to beat you. Ever."

"So you say," Jade retorted, his bare feet sliding across the floor as he moved away from Trowa to press his shoulders against the door frame. He jerked his head in Heero's direction, over by the kitchen table. "At least that other guy is honest about it. Not a―" He stopped speaking suddenly, shutting his mouth so hard the knock of his teeth was audible as he closed his eyes, lifting his chin with an expectantly angry look.

Trowa blinked, and looked over at Heero. He was startled to see Heero's eyes wide, his mouth open in shock, his face pale. Then suddenly Heero's eyes narrowed, and he gave Jade an appraising look. Trowa noted the abrupt shift, but didn't have time to question it, instead returning his attention to Jade.

"What have I ever done to give you that impression?" Trowa managed to keep his voice steady only through sheer force of will. Moving as slowly as possible, he knelt down to be on eye-level with Jade, but kept his distance.

Jade frowned, a thin furrow appearing between his brows as he watched Trowa's movements cautiously. "Don't mess with me. You're just working your way up to it," he spat, and suddenly he was gone, crawling furiously across the kitchen floor to crouch by Heero's feet. He didn't touch the Japanese man, but remained kneeling, his chest against his knees, his arms folded at his sides, as though ready to spring.

Heero looked down, and Trowa could see him swallow hard. "Jade," Heero finally said, and took a deep breath.

Jade's eyes slid away from Trowa's, to stare at the floor. His fingers dug into the wooden floor. He didn't make a sound, but his entire body was one of expectation.

"Make breakfast," Heero said. "And if you try to poison us, I _will_ beat you."

Trowa inhaled sharply, feeling the room spin at his lover's dispassionate voice. He put out a hand to grasp the doorframe, staring at Heero in total shock. Barely he registered Heero's pained expression, and the way Heero dropped his gaze away from Trowa's. Something touched Trowa's calf, and he blinked, looking down to see Ifrit twisting between his legs. Trowa leaned down and picked Ifrit up, cradling the cat in his arms as he studied Jade's downcast face, and the slight downturn of Jade's lips, the tension in the man's bare chest and shoulders.

Touch isn't doing the trick, he told himself sadly. This Jade doesn't want to be touched. This Jade expects only pain, and even seems to prefer it. He wondered about that, and filed the question away for later perusal. Trowa's fingers scratched behind Ifrit's ears, smiling distantly at the vibration in his hands as the cat purred. His fingers caught on Ifrit's collar, and he paused.

Ifrit, he knew, was unusual for a cat. Most cats would prefer to be absent during high emotional scenes, Trowa thought wryly. He blinked, and shifted his gaze to Jade, who still waited near Heero's feet. The silver pendant caught the morning light and glinted, trapped on its black cord around Jade's neck. Trowa considered that for a second, and the unexpected realization that Jade had not attempted to remove the necklace. Trowa glanced at Heero's boots, then back at Jade, and narrowed his eyes as an idea occurred to him. He jerked his head at Heero, who frowned slightly and approached.

"Restraints," Trowa breathed, low enough that Heero had to read his lips. Trowa looked pointedly at Jade, and nodded at Heero's raised eyebrows.

Heero paused for a minute, then nodded curtly. He disappeared into the living room, leaving Trowa to watch Jade. A minute later Heero returned, one of the longer chains in one hand, Jade's sweater and shirt in the other. The rattle alerted Jade, who tensed and started to scoot backwards. Almost immediately Heero had dropped the clothes and was on Jade, pushing him down and grabbing one of his feet at the same time.

"Kinky," Jade taunted.

He rolled over, gasping as Heero tightened his grip. His hands flew out, grabbing on a chair, which slid with him as Heero jerked him back. Jade let go of the chair and flailed his arms, trying to grab onto the edge of the cabinet, a few inches away. Heero growled, yanking on Jade's leg, and then suddenly there was a clinking sound and Heero stood up, the chain in one hand. The other end was securely around Jade's anklet. Trowa watched, saddened by the fact that he could be pleased that Heero was still able to bend metal if needed. The chain wasn't locked around the shackle with something that could be picked, but instead was bent and twisted. The only one of the three of them who'd be able to remove it was Heero.

Trowa shifted the cat in his arms up to his shoulders and waited.

"Jade," Heero said, tugging on the chain. "Put your clothes back on, and start breakfast. We will be in the living room. You will remain here, and you'll let us know when breakfast is ready."

Trowa glanced around, his eyes narrowing as he noticed the metal ring in the side of the old fireplace. Once used for hanging pots, it was a u-shape of iron embedded deeply into the stone. He caught Heero's attention with a quick flick of his fingers, and glanced towards the fireplace. Heero nodded, pulling the length of chain with him around the kitchen table. Jade was tugging at his anklet, groaning quietly as he tried to get the chain undone. The longhaired man froze, watching, as Heero pulled the final link in the chain apart, before hooking it over the iron circle and bending the link shut again. Heero straightened up and gave Jade a stern look.

"And no poison," he added, leaving the room without another word to either of them.

Trowa watched as Jade tugged on his anklet one more time, before banging his foot on the floor twice in obvious frustration. Sighing, Trowa unwrapped the cat from his shoulders and approached, dropping Ifrit on Jade's lap. Jade started, then crossed his arms and looked away, as though ignoring Trowa. Trowa shrugged, walking away. In the doorway he turned to see if Ifrit's presence would help.

Very slowly, Jade's arm uncurled, reaching out to pet the cat. Jade's head canted towards the cat, as Ifrit butted his head against Jade's knee, and the hesitant hand began to scratch, tentative at first, and then more firmly, behind Ifrit's ears. The cat responded with a strong purr. Jade bent his head over the cat, his short braid moving across his bare shoulders as he petted the animal.

Jade reached out, grabbing the clothes and pulling them over his head before gracefully climbing to his feet. The chain clanked as Jade bent over to hoist Ifrit onto his shoulder, one hand going up to scratch Ifrit as he moved to the fridge and began pulling out eggs and milk. Trowa headed into the living room, where Heero was collecting the ruined remains of the trunk.

Trowa picked up the braid, careful to keep his body between the braid and the kitchen, in case Jade caught sight of it again. "Pandora," he murmured, under his breath.

Heero looked up, one eyebrow raised. "What's that?" His tone was a bit abashed, and he glanced at Trowa and then away again.

"Pandora's box," Trowa explained quietly. "Ancient myth. A box from the gods that held pestilence, disease, famine, and when it was opened, all hell broke loose." He set down the braid, and began collecting the shredded remains of various objects.

"Stupid to open the box," Heero muttered.

Trowa wasn't sure which box Heero meant, but he was willing to allow for double meanings. "But there was one thing in the box to make up for all the rest of the bad things," he said. At Heero's curious look, Trowa managed a weak smile. "At the bottom of the box was hope."

 

 

 

It took fifteen minutes to clear out the last of the trunk and its items, and they piled everything beneath one of the trees at the edge of the front field. It seemed to be an unspoken agreement that they would determine how to destroy and dispose of the items; later, once more important things had been discussed. Back in the living room, Heero laid more wood on the fire while they listened to Jade working in the kitchen. Trowa sat on the low table in front of the sofa, staring into the flames as Heero sat back on his heels.

"I'm sorry," Heero whispered. "I...got lost." He reached out, tentatively, his hand hovering over Trowa's, then dropped it.

Trowa nodded, a little numb. "Why didn't you say something?" He risked a glance at Heero's down-turned face. Trowa could hear the plaintive note in his own voice, and winced. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I don't know," Heero replied sadly. "I just...I felt like I was..." He shrugged, his lips thinning. "Left out."

Trowa could only gape. "You gave me the silent treatment because you felt left out? What kind of logic is that?"

Heero shrugged, looking away.

"Hell," Trowa muttered, placing the heel of his hands against his eyes, digging his fingers into his scalp. After a second he dropped his hands, his eyes focused on the floor. "He had no idea who we were," he whispered, moving easily to a different topic.

"Don't think so," Heero replied. "Then he did, but I don't know what made him..." He frowned, a contemplative look on his face. "...come back."

"Come back?" Trowa lifted his head to stare at Heero. "That's a joke, right? That's not Jade in there," he hissed, his eyes darting over his shoulder to the kitchen.

"I think," Heero paused, studying Trowa with an inscrutable expression, "that you preferred him as Jade."

Trowa's eyebrows went up, and he was quiet for a long minute as he tried to figure out how to answer. I'm sure I could think straight, he told himself, if that statement weren't on top of everything else. I've spent four days working up the nerve to tell him to get rid of the attitude, and then he flips out, and then Jade flips out...and I want my turn, he thought, knowing the idea was petty but too emotionally wiped to fight it. He settled for mild sarcasm. "If I have the choice between Jade and what we just went through, then...yeah, I'd rather spend my days with Jade."

"Not what I meant," and Heero's look clearly said that he was aware Trowa knew it.

"Fuck you," Trowa sighed, and closed his eyes, opening them again to stare into Heero's sky-blue eyes. "If you didn't get that the first time, _fuck you_." He got up and was across the room in three strides, grabbing his coat from the back of the door.

"Where are you going?" Heero was on his feet, and right behind him, slamming the door before Trowa could open it all the way.

"Anywhere but here," Trowa spat, his voice barely in control. "I spent nearly a month dealing with Jade by myself because _you_ wanted space. You really think that means I prefer Jade over Duo? You're a fucking idiot, Yuy." He jerked the door open, and Heero slammed it shut again.

"You've let him be Jade," Heero retorted. "You haven't pushed him to be himself again."

"First, I didn't realize it was solely _my_ responsibility." Trowa let go of the doorknob, turning to face Heero squarely. "Second, what would you have me do? Attack him in the front yard? Threaten to beat him? Run hot and cold until he doesn't know whether or not he can trust me? Not my style." He ground his teeth together to stop the words, then gave up with a huff of air. "I've been patient...with _both_ of you." He paused, his eyes narrowing as his voice dropped to a low growl. "Ever occur to you I didn't know what else to _do?_ I've done what you asked. I learned to love him. I was willing to let him have the time to come back, but _you_ had to push it. And now I have no idea what to say or do. And I want some time to _myself_ , now. I think I earned it."

Trowa turned away, staring at the door until Heero removed his hand from the door. Trowa ignored the movement and pulled the door open, startled when Heero suddenly slammed it shut again.

"What _now_ , Yuy?" Trowa's tone was exasperated.

"Don't go," Heero whispered, his eyes pained. "I just...have this feeling that if I let you walk out, you won't come back. And...I don't want that."

"Give me the truth, then." Trowa could feel his stomach twisting up, as the words pushed their way to his lips. "Why do you want me to stay?"

Heero was silent for several seconds, his blue eyes searching Trowa's face, but Trowa set his jaw and refused to show any emotion.

He refused to give an opening. Heero would have to figure this one out on his own. At the same time, Trowa was terrified of what Heero would say. How would he know the right reason, and what's the wrong reason? How would he know, when all he knew is that Heero could give any reason, and he'd want to stay? He didn't want to leave. But if he didn't draw the line somewhere, there'd be nothing left of him.

"I want you to stay," Heero whispered, his hand reaching out to Trowa's hand on the doorknob, but stopping shy of it. "Because even on the worst days, it's better with you around." He paused, his lips moving soundlessly, and he frowned a little, and sighed. "Maybe that's selfish. But it's the truth." He ducked his head, and Trowa was surprised to see Heero's eyelashes glittering in the mid-morning light. "When I married Relena, I did love her. But at our one-year anniversary, I remember thinking...so this is it. This is what life's given me. Well, that's done." He shrugged, and his hand fell away from Trowa's as he looked back at Trowa, his eyes wide and vulnerable. "With you, I feel like...I have so much more to look forward to, that everything in the past will pale in comparison. I can't explain why, or how. I just do."

Trowa didn't move, too stunned to respond. He opened his mouth, couldn't find the words, and closed it again, his mind repeating Heero's words. Finally he swallowed hard and raised his hand from the doorknob to place it against Heero's cheek, rubbing Heero's cheekbone with his thumb. "I don't want to go," he whispered. "But...I feel like I'm losing myself." He started to say more, but couldn't.

Heero's eyebrows went up, his mouth open in the roundness that was his subtle, unique expression for anxiety, sorrow, and apology at the same time. He sighed, and the expression faded as he nodded, his lips quirking a little as he reached up to press his lips against Trowa's in a chaste but long kiss. After a second he pulled away, keeping his forehead against Trowa's. The two men leaned against each other, silently communing. A rattle of chains interrupted the moment, and Trowa turned his head to see Jade kneeling in the doorway.

"He's kneeling again," Trowa said quietly, then raised his voice to normal tones. "We'll be right there, Jade."

Jade nodded, and crawled backwards until he was out of sight around the corner.

"We still have to talk," Trowa told Heero, his voice firmer. "You threatened him. I don't understand why. I don't like it."

"It's..." Heero stopped, and shook his head. "I'll explain after breakfast. I'm not sure yet how to explain it, but I just have a gut instinct about how things have changed."

"Have they?" He let his hand drop from Heero's face, and knew Heero understood his meaning.

"Absolutely," Heero told him.

 

 

 

Jade didn't speak as he served breakfast and sat at the table, seemingly intent on drowning his waffles in syrup. Trowa cut his waffles, took one bite, and nearly spat out the food. It was bitter, loaded with salt. He managed to chew and swallow, as he considered what he should do. If he said something, Jade's won this round, he thought. Trowa looked up to see Heero's raised eyebrows, and then glanced to the side, realizing Jade's expression was smug. Trowa set his fork down on the plate with a clatter.

"Salt."

Heero's eyes narrowed, and he stood up abruptly, taking Jade's plate and switching it with Trowa's. Jade gaped, sitting bolt upright as he watched his plate being set in front of Trowa.

"Eat it," Heero told Jade, pointing at the plate. "You ruined it. Eat it or go hungry."

The only response was a lowered head, which suddenly jerked up with an angry rattling as Jade's feet stomped on the floor. He followed it by upending his plate onto the floor. The china broke into several pieces, as Jade sat back with his arms crossed and his head down.

"What the hell―" Trowa raised his eyebrows, unable to formulate a response. Unexpectedly angry, and too exhausted to give a damn, Trowa slammed his fist down on the table. Jade jumped, then slouched down further in his chair, avoiding Trowa's eyes. "Jade! Do you remember the past three months?"

There was no answer, except for Jade slouching down further.

"Answer the question," Heero snapped. "We know you can speak."

A thick line appeared between Jade's brows before he nodded once, his lips twisting in a scowl.

"We have done our best to treat you with decency and affection." The words were out of Trowa's mouth before he realized it. "Have I given you _any_ reason to hate me?" He nearly bit his tongue, but it was too late. He knew he was too emotionally wipe to be able to handle the answer, whatever it might be. Trowa took a breath, his fingers tightening on his fork.

Jade's face went from irritated to upset in a flash, his eyebrows up, his closed eyes squinted in pain, but then the expression was gone, replaced by the original obstinate set to his chin. He squirmed a bit in his chair, but still didn't answer.

"Answer," Heero said, more loudly. "Or we'll give you a reason to hate us."

Trowa looked at Heero, shocked, and leaned back in the chair, crossing his own arms. His meaning was clear.

"You _touched_ me," Jade whispered harshly, but he sounded like the words were being dragged out of him.

"That's easy to fix," Heero replied calmly, continuing to eat as though nothing had happened. "You will get no more affection, of any kind. You will stay on your pillow, away from us, when you are not involved in a chore. Understood?"

Jade's chin shot up, and he stared at Heero, stunned. His face twisted strangely, and he sat upright, his fingers clenching against his upper arms before one unlocked. The hand hovered over the table for a heartbeat, then reached out for Trowa. "Master?" His voice was hesitant, and hurt.

Trowa didn't look at Jade. He felt lost, and adrift, with no idea what Heero would say or do next. At the same time, his fingers felt cold, and his throat was tight. You _touched_ me, his mind repeated Jade's accusation. The only logical option is no more touch, Trowa concluded, but it didn't make him feel any better. He realized Jade was waiting for an answer, his hand still stretched anxiously towards Trowa. The body language confused Trowa, seeing the strange mix of the new Jade's eye contact and the old Jade's need for assurance. Trowa sighed. "You heard him."

"Whatever," Jade said, shrugging as he crossed his arms again, and the expression was gone. His gaze darted back and forth between Trowa and Heero. "Don't want your filthy hands on me anyway."

"Clean up the mess you made." Heero stood up, his face neutral.

Jade's lip curled, but he dropped his chin. It was a minute movement, but Trowa thought he could see Jade's nod. Slowly he slid from the chair sideways, the chain rattling as Jade sunk to his knees and began picking up the broken china. Trowa stared down at his half-eaten breakfast, then got up as well, scraping the remains into the trash before rinsing the dish and setting it in the drying rack. He looked out the window at the barn, and then back at Heero, who nodded.

 

 

 

Trowa studied the exposed insulation and the stacks of drywall as Heero loaded wood into the pot-bellied stove. Within a few minutes it was roaring to Heero's satisfaction, and he shut the door with a clang, then backed up and began studying the barn's interior. Before he could say anything, Trowa spoke.

"I'm burnt."

Heero glanced up, frowning, and his eyes darted to the stove then back to Trowa before understanding dawned on his face. "Ah." He looked around the barn, and bent to pick up a hammer, shaking it idly in one hand as he looked over the drywall.

"I don't know what we're dealing with," Trowa continued. "It's like...it's Maxwell's words, coming from Maxwell's mouth..."

"Not really." Heero set the hammer down, and went to stand by the open barn door, staring out at the kitchen. Trowa could see Jade's face in the kitchen window as he busied himself over the sink. Heero turned with a wry smile. "It's Jade. It's just a Maxwellian Jade."

Trowa raised his eyebrows, and smiled tightly. "That is hardly a help. Heero, you told him..." He paused, considering his words carefully before he spoke, and took a deep breath. "You completely changed in there. I haven't seen you react like that in years. Since the war, perhaps."

"Remember what I said about Zero, bringing me up from the bottom of the ocean?"

"Yeah."

Heero opened his mouth, frowned, and closed his mouth, shaking his head. "I've been trying to think of a way to explain it. I don't think I can. I don't know what we triggered...what I triggered, but it's a step closer, but a step backwards at the same time."

"He doesn't trust us, all over again," Trowa muttered.

"Exactly."

"I'm not up to this. Not right now. I don't have any defenses against Jade's behavior. I've spent too much time being completely open to him." Trowa stalked across the barn to stand by the stove, feeling its heat seep past his jeans and sweater. "Every angry look from him hurts, right down to my heart."

Heero was silent for a moment, then nodded, as though he'd come to a decision. "That's it. Jade's had no defenses. And now he does."

"You mean Shinigami?"

"I've had a number of missions with Maxwell over the past decade, and I've seen it often enough. Shinigami's not a separate personality, not in the way you might be thinking. It's his game face. A defensive maneuver that's often sheer bravado, and little else." Heero shrugged, turning to join Trowa. He stood close, but not touching. "I'll take over as Master."

"I don't know if that's possible." Trowa tried to smile, but he suspected his face just looked pained.

"Maybe not in title, but it's time I took responsibility, too." Heero brushed his knuckles across the back of Trowa's outstretched hand, hovering over the stove. "I'll go get him, and then we'll put up the drywall. I'm going to get one of the hooks from the study, too. Install it here, so we can isolate him, if need be."

Trowa looked around the empty barn, and nodded. "Not much he can use to get into trouble, unless he wants to bash his head against the stove."

Heero snorted. "He keeps up with the attitude, I might do it for him." He grinned, then, an unexpected lightness filling his blue eyes. "Wouldn't be the first time in ten years that I've been tempted."


	18. outside the gate

Just outside the gate   
The road slopes downward   
Winter trees  
_―_ Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Heero stepped up to the cabin's front door, taking a deep breath before pushing the door open on silent hinges. He could hear rattling, accompanied by the faint chime of bells, and grimaced. Stepping to the kitchen doorway, he took the room in with one sweeping glance. The table was cleared and clean, the countertops sparkling, the dishes dried and put away. And in the midst of it, by the table, stood Jade, a piece of toast in his mouth. Heero raised an eyebrow and slowly crossed his arms, letting his body language do the speaking for him. He didn't trust his own voice, too angry with Jade directly contradicting Heero's earlier order.

Jade looked up, his blue eyes wide, and he froze for a half-second. Then he shoved the toast the rest of the way into his mouth, his jaw working furiously. Swallowing hard, he hit the floor, his hands behind his back and his forehead pressed to the floor.

Heero remained where he was, blinking at the combination of the old Jade's reaction, and the new Jade's minor rebellion. Heero suddenly realized his hands had become fists, and he stared for several long minutes at the figure kneeling only a few feet away. Heero had a strange vision of dragging Jade into the bathroom and forcing him to vomit the stolen toast, and shook his head.

That's what was done to me, he thought, and he felt sick, as a shudder swept over his body. Staggering a little, he made it to the kitchen table, pulling out a chair and sinking down heavily, his eyes still on Jade's lowered form. Sitting forward until his elbows were on his knees, Heero covered his face with his hands and forced himself to take long, deep breaths.

I know what they did to him, he told himself. Am I really any better? If I can beat him into being Duo again, is that really the answer? Or am I just adding another wrong on top of the first one? Which is important? The end, or the means? Heero dropped his hands, nearly snorting in bitter laughter at his questions. There's no guarantee that the end will be what I want. There's no certainty that Duo will ever come back.

It hit him, unexpectedly, with a visceral sense that nothing else had managed. Not the braid, not Trowa's words, not Jade's behavior.

_He may never come back._

Heero leaned back in the chair, laying one arm across the kitchen table as he stared blindly around the kitchen. We've worked for three months to make this a home, he thought absently. And there's no guarantee that we will achieve anything but sore muscles, splinters, and a few blisters. So the end isn't worth the cost of the means.

He sighed and stood up, frowning as he stepped around Jade's kneeling form. Ignoring Jade's shiver, Heero headed back to the barn, leaving without a word.

 

 

 

Trowa looked up in surprise as Heero stepped into the barn.

"Jade?" He glanced past Heero, and then back to Heero again, his green eyes suspicious.

"In the kitchen," Heero said. He paused for a moment to consider the right way to put his suggestion, and gave up. "Trowa... if you could do anything, at this point, what would you do?" Heero was pretty sure he knew the answer. At least he knew what Trowa would have said, three months before.

Trowa was quiet, his fingers tapping on the hammer in his hand. He shrugged, finally, raising his eyebrows.

"No, tell me," Heero insisted. "Whatever you want, whatever you need...after all you've done. What would you like to do, now?"

"We need to put up the―"

Heero shook his head. "That can wait. We don't have a deadline. There's no mission report that has to be filed in twenty-four hours," and Heero vaguely registered that he was repeating words Duo had said to him, years before. "Ignore that. Ignore me. Ignore Jade. What do _you_ want?"

Trowa dropped his eyes, his head turning a little to the side until his hair covered most of his face. "Time alone, I suppose." His fingers continued their rhythm along the hammer's handle. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Heero tugged the Jeep's keys out of his pocket. He tossed them at Trowa, who caught them instinctively, his expression puzzled. "Last time I was in town, I found out about an excellent used bookstore two towns over. It's about an hour's drive, but it's open until eight, and it has a coffee shop. There's a restaurant downstairs, and a bed and breakfast next door."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you need a vacation. And I can't be there with you, but I can make it possible for you." Heero straightened his shoulders and pushed away the persistent fear clutching his chest. "I know bookstores are your favorite medicine..."

Trowa laughed softly, and shook his head. "Sometimes you really surprise me."

"Is that a bad thing?" Heero managed another crooked smile.

"No."

Trowa tossed the keys up, caught them, and pocketed them. Stepping forward, he stared into Heero's eyes for several seconds before dipping his head to kiss Heero passionately. The kiss lasted for several seconds, interrupted by a thump as Trowa dropped the hammer to put both arms around Heero. It was several more seconds before they pulled apart, and Heero had to breathe deeply to get his body under control. Trowa smiled, and gave Heero a last quick kiss.

"So...I'm free for a day and a night," he whispered.

Heero nodded, his fingers digging into Trowa's sweater. "You'd better go," he rasped, feeling the heat of Trowa's body, the hard muscular planes of Trowa's legs pressed against his own. "If you don't, I'll keep you here..."

"Jade," Trowa said, and bowed his head, uncertain.

"I'll deal with it," Heero said, then winced. "I'll deal with _him_. We can keep ourselves busy...but you need the break more than I need your supervision. Just...come back."

"I will," Trowa assured him, and with another quick kiss, he extracted himself from Heero's grip and was gone.

Heero remained with his back to the house, hearing Trowa's steady footsteps crunching the snow. The front door opened and closed, and five minutes later it opened and closed again. Heero only turned around once he'd heard the Jeep pulling away. He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and went back to the house to deal with Jade.

 

 

 

Heero walked into the kitchen in time to see Jade scrambling back into a crouch. For a second, Heero was tempted to frown, and remembered Duo's incessant curiosity. He doubted Trowa would have said anything to Jade in parting, and wondered if the chain reached far enough for Jade to have been able to see around the corner as Trowa left.

Walking past Jade without a word, he bent the chain's final link until he could unhook it from the iron handle. Hefting the chain in one hand, he let it rattle a bit before clearing his throat. "Get up, Jade, we're moving to the living room."

Jade paused, then raised his head to look over his shoulder at Heero, a thin line between his delicate brows. Twisting his face up like he was going to say something, Jade opened his mouth, and then closed it. Coming up on all fours, he crawled into the living room as Heero trailed behind, watching as Jade came to rest on the floor by the fireplace. Heero studied the fireplace for several seconds, before noting the hooks embedded in the bricks. It took Heero a minute to remove the fireplace's glass doors, revealing the hooks. Jade watched intently, his eyes fixed on Heero's every move, as Heero hooked the chain around one of the iron loops, tested it, and got up with a nod. Heero left, then, returning from the study with Jade's pillow. He dropped it on the floor next to the fireplace and simply pointed at it before leaving the cabin.

Returning a few minutes later with an armful of wood, Heero was pleased to see Jade had settled down on the pillow. Jade was kneeling in his usual position, his knees shoulder-width apart, but his chin was up. Jade jutted his lower lip a bit when he realized Heero was studying him just as intently, and Heero feigned a shrug as he loaded more wood onto the fire. Poking it with the fireplace irons, he set the tool on the other side of the fireplace, away from Jade, and surveyed the room.

Ifrit was lying in the wingback chair, his forepaws stretched out over the edge. Heero ran a hand down the cat's fur, then picked the cat up and put it on the top of the chair's back. Ifrit's tail twitched, and the cat stretched before settling into a sphinx position, his slanted eyes blinking sleepily. Heero rolled his eyes and sat down. Toeing off his boots, he crossed his feet on the ottoman and watched Jade.

By the time several minutes had passed, Jade's eyes had dropped, and he twitched a few times under Heero's continuous scrutiny. Meanwhile, Heero was contemplating how to begin. Finally he took a deep breath, exhaling as he forced his body to relax.

"Trowa has left to have some time to himself," he announced.

Jade reacted immediately, his chin coming up and his eyes darting around the room. His hands came out from behind his back to cross over his chest, and his eyes were wide and frightened. Finally he seemed to settle back down on his haunches, his expression downcast.

"Are you really going to miss him?" Heero kept his voice level.

Jade nodded emphatically twice, frowned, and shrugged one shoulder. His hands came down, slowly moving back to the small of his back.

"You'd prefer I beat you," Heero prompted, moving to a different topic. He wasn't sure what he'd ask a minute before he asked, but figured his strength had always been in following his emotions. Trowa's ability to logic and analyze wasn't going to serve him well enough, he told himself with a mental sigh.

"Whatever," Jade drawled, his voice loud in the room. "I mean, it's how you get your jollies an' all." He didn't look up, seemingly fascinated with the pattern in the fireplace rug.

"What do you want?"

The question startled Jade, judging by the way his gaze came up immediately, his blue eyes wide. Jade blinked a few times, his brow furrowed. "Well, there's the standard answer..." His tone was soft, and hesitant.

"Start with that."

Jade shrugged, one hand coming out to pluck at the seams of his jeans. "I want...Master to love me an' cherish me," he said softly, his expression open and forlorn. "And I want to be good enough to make Master happy..." Jade scowled. "You know, the usual crap."

"Doesn't sound like crap to me," Heero replied reasonably. "Sounds like something worth wanting."

"Head games," Jade suddenly hissed, his eyes narrow. "I knew it!"

Heero raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, fucking asshole, you're just like the rest of 'em," Jade spat, his shoulders hunched. "I thought you were different but you're saying one thing and doing another. You're just like Master," he added, his tone accusing. "I know you think it's crap, cause you've got Master to love you an' cherish you an' all that stuff, and you treat him like _shit_."

Heero froze, and almost instantly Jade's eyes went wide. Jade shrank back, but he didn't lower his eyes. They were wide again, the blue darkening as Jade held his breath. His tongue came out to lick his lips, before he closed his eyes, as though braced.

"Maybe I do," Heero replied carefully, keeping his tone neutral only through considerable effort. "But it's not your place to say anything." He gritted his teeth as he heard his own voice, knowing the statement would be taken a way different from his meaning.

"Yeah, I'm just here for the entertainment value," Jade muttered, dropping his head. "Just do whatever and go chat amongst yourselves. Hell, go do that. Call up Master and―"

"Master," Heero interrupted coldly, "has a name. Use it. Trowa."

Jade stopped, startled, his eyes flashing to Heero's before dropping away. Heero was surprised to see Jade was blushing. "I couldn't," Jade mumbled. "That's..." He shook himself. "He's Master. Even if he's..." Jade scowled at the fire.

"He's what?"

"Two-faced bastard," Jade cried angrily, his eyes flashing as he came up on his knees, his hands in fists. "He is!"

Heero sat up, his eyebrows raised. He had no idea where he was going with it, but Jade's insistence had him intrigued. This isn't Maxwell, he thought, then stopped. Why not? What if it is, and he simply has no memory? Is it still Maxwell, then, with amnesia? Or is it Jade? How do I tell the difference? How would Maxwell act if he didn't remember anything?

"Duo," Heero said flatly.

Jade's eyes went wide and he whimpered, a shudder running through his body.

"Duo."

"No, please," Jade moaned, his body beginning to shake as he sank down, his forehead to the pillow.

"Maxwell."

Jade didn't respond, but the shaking gradually subsided. He remained in the bent-over position, and Heero could see Jade's fingers clenching against each other, clasped at the small of Jade's back. Heero sighed, bringing his feet off the footstool and leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

Was I like this ten years ago? Was I that distrustful of Duo's friendship? Heero contemplated that for several seconds. His mind jumped erratically to another topic, his emotions churning under the surface of his mind like the roiling ocean. Do I really treat Trowa like shit? I have, this past month, he could acknowledge, a bit reluctantly, but knowing it was true. His mind raced back to the first question, and he followed it stubbornly. I had no attachments when I came to Earth in Wing, and I didn't want any, he reflected. Attachments were dangerous, especially in war. But after the wars, Duo taught me about friendship...

How?

There was no logic, only a gut sense, as it hit Heero with the force of a lightening strike. Jade, Trowa had reported, is terrified of being forgotten. And yet this Jade is determined to deny all attachments, Heero thought, and sucked in his breath through his teeth. He still wants us to love him, Heero realized; he's just scared that Trowa doesn't love him as much as he loves Trowa. Heero shoved away the immediate question of whether Jade was capable of loving the Master, or whether it was purely the training that said he had to.

"Jade, raise your head and look me in the eyes."

Jade didn't respond, then uncurled enough to raise only his head, his eyes narrowed, his posture defensive.

"Do you fear me?"

Jade nodded, once, his eyes never leaving Heero's.

"Do you hate me?"

Jade frowned, considering that, and shrugged almost imperceptibly.

"Do you hate Trowa?"

The braid slid across Jade's shoulder to thump against his collarbone as he shrank back, his hands moving to clench against the end of the pillow. Slowly, deliberately, he nodded once.

"Why?"

Jade's lower lip jutted, and he narrowed his eyes further. A flash of pain crossed his face, and he tightened his hold on the pillow. Heero got up, ignoring Jade's fearful reaction as he covered the ten feet quickly. He knelt in front of Jade and clasped Jade by the chin, jerking his face up.

"Why?" Heero gave Jade's chin a little shake. "What has he done to you?"

"He..." Jade's eyes closed, and Heero shook his chin once more. Jade whimpered, and Heero could see tears trapped in Jade's eyelashes. "Master can't stand me," he choked, and tried to pull away from Heero's grasp. Heero's fingers dug in tighter, and Jade yelped, his hands beating against the edge of the pillow as he struggled against the fingers clutching his face. "Master only tolerates me because you tell him to," Jade said, his voice sounding like it was close to cracking.

Heero released Jade's chin with a sharp movement, throwing Jade back a little from the force. Heero crouched in front of the pillow, his hands open and ready for any action. "That's not true any longer, and you know it. I thought you believed in honesty, Duo," he snarled.

Jade's eyes went wide and he shuddered, scooting backwards on the pillow until his back hit the glass door that led to the back porch. The chains rattled with his movement, and he pulled his knees up under his chin, curling his arms defensively around his shins.

"You're lying to yourself, but I won't tolerate you lying to _me_ ," Heero hissed, fury rising up, pushing away all the words he'd planned on saying. He stood up, his muscles screaming from the tension. "God damn it, I want to shake you until your brains rattle, to make you realize who you really are!"

There was a low uncomfortable laugh from the figure, and Jade shrugged, a lazy smile on his face. "I'm a slave," he said cheerfully, but Heero thought he could detect an edge of despondency. "I'm supposed to be whatever will please Master," he added quietly.

Heero felt like he'd been hit, recalling Duo's words to him, years ago, after the wars. Duo had asked if he'd always been an assassin, or if he was something more. Blindly, Heero groped for the memories, echoing them as best he could. "Have you always been a slave?"

"Have I..." Jade frowned, giving Heero a baffled look. "I guess so."

"What happens when I call that name..." Heero narrowed his eyes, saying in a bland tone, "Duo."

Jade flinched, and dropped his eyes. "Nothing," he muttered.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me." Heero had to grit his teeth to keep from stalking across the room and putting Jade's head through the wall. It was an outright lie, and he knew it, and he knew Jade knew it, too. "You're _lying._ "

"What's it to you?" Jade shot back, but curled up tighter at the same time. His chin was down, and his blue eyes stared at Heero over his knees.

"You told Trowa you couldn't lie to him," Heero retorted angrily.

Jade's expression suddenly became calculating. "You're jealous," he taunted. "A'course I can say whatever I want, to you. _You're_ not Master."

Heero raised one eyebrow, and let his voice go completely cold. "Are you sure about that?"

"Am I..." Jade's eyes went wide, and he sat bolt upright, his eyes darting around the room before returning to Heero in a panic. "Are..." The sound trailed off, but his mouth continued to move.

"Maybe Trowa's left," Heero said blandly. "And perhaps he's left me in charge. I'd expect you to think this is a good thing, seeing how much you hate him."

"But..." Jade gaped again, then narrowed his eyes, the cold smile returning. "You're playing head games again. Well, fuck you. And whatever stupid animal you rode in on."

Heero shrugged. He turned, taking advantage of his back turned to Jade to close his eyes and steady himself, before looking up at the shelves of books. Picking a title at random, he flipped it open; perusing the contents before deciding it would be acceptable. Settling himself down on the wing back seat again, he propped up his feet and opened the book.

He was halfway through the first chapter before he heard the rattle of chains. Heero glanced up to see Jade fiddling with the anklet.

"Good luck getting it loose," Heero told him calmly. "Play with it again, and I'll tie your hands behind your back."

Jade yanked his hand away from his ankle and scowled, crossing his arms over his shins again. Heero stared at Jade for a few second, until Jade dropped his eyes. Heero smiled to himself, and went back to reading.

Another ten minutes passed, before Heero heard a scuffling sound. He looked up to see Jade cautiously scooting forward to settle onto the pillow. Jade looked like he was thinking hard about something, and his head was down, the thin line between his brows. Heero put his finger on the page to mark his place, and closed the book.

"Go ahead," Heero said calmly. "Whatever it is, say it."

Jade shrugged, and lifted his head to stare at the shelves of books, as though ignoring Heero completely. Heero raised an eyebrow and went back to reading. He'd read another two pages before Jade rattled the chain while shifting from one spot to another.

"Sit still, Jade." Heero shot Jade a pointed look. "You never used to fidget like this."

"You can't tell me what to do," Jade shot back, and his face came up, but Heero noticed Jade's lower lip was quivering. "You're not Master."

"Ah, but I am, now."

"No," Jade said, the word drawn out until it was nearly a moan. He looked around the cabin again, his eyes lighting up as they saw something across the room. "Master left his scarf and hat." Jade gave Heero a smug look. "Master's coming back."

"What do you care? You hate him anyway," Heero replied.

"Yeah, but..." Jade glared at Heero for a second, and shrugged. "Yeah," he repeated, drawling the word out, and Heero's gut wrenched to hear the inflection Duo used so often. Jade's glare deepened. "I don't care. He can rot, for all I care. You, too."

Heero nodded dispassionately and opened the book again. This time, he'd just turned the page when he heard the clinking of metal. He glanced up, to see Jade tugging at the chain surreptitiously. Jade was still staring up at the shelves, but his hand was on his ankle, his fingers poking at the link bent around the shackle. Heero slammed the book shut and brought his feet down on the floor with a solid thud.

Jade made a choking sound and scrambled backwards, then caught himself and grinned widely. "Hah, you thought I was messing with it, didn't you?" He laughed, but the combination of the furrowed brow and the smile made him look more worried than teasing. "I was scratching my foot." Jade huffed and tossed his braid over his shoulder. "Don't have to get so uptight."

Heero ignored him, and stalked past to study the restraints still sitting on the side table. He grabbed the two smallest and turned, using his speed and strength to be on Jade before Jade could even react.

"Hey! What're you―"

Jade's protest was suddenly cut off as Heero pressed him forward, pushing Jade's face into the edge of the pillow, Heero's right knee across Jade's thighs. Heero grabbed one wrist, buckling the wrist cuff before pinning Jade's hand under his other knee. Then he tightened the second, shaking his head as Jade flailed under him, yells muffled by the pillow. Heero brought both wrists up, investigating the rings. Jade continued to wriggle against him, his shouts growing quieter as his struggles grew more frantic. Heero rolled his eyes at the waste of energy, and bent open one of the metal rings, hooking it on the other wrist's loop before bending it closed again.

He backed off Jade, grabbing Jade by the scruff of the neck and pulling him upright. Jade's face was red, and he glared at Heero as he tugged on the restraints.

"Bastard," Jade spat, jerking on his arms. "You can't do this," he announced defiantly, "when Master finds out―"

"He won't," Heero said, standing up with a nonchalant shrug. He crouched by the fire and laid a few more logs on it, watching it for a second before returning to his chair. Heero sat down, doing his best to appear pleased and casual. "First, you're assuming he's coming back. Second, you're assuming he gives a damn. Third, you're forgetting I'm Master now."

"He―" There was a clattering sound, and Jade's shoulders jerked. He hissed, halting his motions and slumping forward a little as he scowled. "He's coming back," Jade stated, a little plaintively.

"Do you care?"

"No!" Jade turned his face away, and studied the books.

Heero sighed and opened his book again, attempting to find the line where he'd left off. He turned several pages, looking for his place, before giving up and starting to read in the middle of the book. Didn't matter anyway, he thought ruefully. I don't think I've registered a full paragraph yet.

The log cracked in the fireplace, breaking in two as the wood became coals. The heat was soothing, and Heero found his head nodding, even as his stomach growled. We usually eat an hour ago, he thought as he eyed the clock on the wall. How the hell am I going to get him to eat, with his hands behind his back? Heero nearly groaned at the image of hand-feeding Jade. He'd done that with Trowa, once, and found it incredibly sexy. He didn't want to pervert that memory with the recalcitrant creature in front of him.

He put down the book, rubbing his forehead before looking over at Jade. Jade had turned to look out the glass door, across the porch. Birds were settling on the snow, a random scattering of dark shapes alighting and taking off with no discernable pattern. Heero brought his feet down, and got up, moving to the couch end nearest Jade. Chestnut hair was falling in Jade's eyes again, a strand caught on his nose. Heero studied the full lips still strong enough to be masculine, and smiled to himself, wryly, remembering how much Duo would complain about his nose. Lost in memories, it took a bit before Heero realized Jade was staring at him warily.

"What?" Jade scowled. "If I have dirt on my nose, it's your fault."

"No." Heero shook his head. "No dirt."

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" Heero leaned back on the sofa, and stretched his legs out. Jade eyed Heero's feet and sidled across the pillow, moving as far as he could before the chain began to rattle. "How am I looking at you?"

"Like...like you know me or something," Jade challenged. "Just 'cause you've seen me naked doesn't mean you know me."

"What if I want to know you?" Heero kept his tone amiable, and turned his head to stare at the fire.

Jade was silent for several heartbeats, and shifted again. The man huffed, and Heero watched out of the corner of his eyes as Jade rubbed his nose against his shoulder, made a face, and tried again. Apparently satisfied, Jade sat back on his heels again.

"Answer the question," Heero said.

"I don't think you do." Jade laughed lazily, as though bored.

"How do you know what I think?"

"I know..." Jade shrugged, and dropped his head. "...you think I'm nothing."

Heero could feel his stomach grow cold, and his chest ached. It felt, he reflected absently, like the time Duo had shot him. Only this pain wasn't in the arm, it was in the heart.

"I'm not, y'know," Jade continued, his voice low and sullen. "I can do lots of things. I know how to fold fitted sheets," he mumbled, his head down. "And I can give a good backrub. I've never made bread but I've read some recipes. I think I could do that. I did a good job on cleaning the bathroom. Master said so..." His voice dropped even farther, a lonesome whisper against the background of the crackling fire. "I could do laundry, too, if I got a chance. And I helped with building the shelves, and I know about how to clean dishes..." His voice trailed off.

Heero was silent. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what to do, or how to react. He smiled sadly, recalling Trowa's explanation about waiting, and letting Jade speak on his own. Now I understand, Heero thought. It's not that Trowa knows what to do. He's just willing to wait until the right moment, rather than rushing in. And all I've done is rush in. It felt peculiar to Heero to realize that, as though it were an epiphany.

"I'm _not_ nothing," Jade whispered, as though to himself. "I could do lots of things...I could, I could..."

"You could," Heero agreed. He kept his eyes towards the fire, but watched Jade in his peripheral vision. Jade's head had jerked up at Heero's interruption, but Jade simply tossed his head and turned his back on Heero, who was tempted to roll his eyes. "That's all stuff you can do. I never said you couldn't _do_ anything. But what _are_ you?"

"I'm..." Jade's back moved as he shrugged. "I'm Master's." His head dropped, and Heero could barely catch Jade's next words. "No matter _who_ Master is, that's what I am."

"Jade," Heero called. He waited, and called again. "Jade. Turn around."

Jade looked over his shoulder at Heero, his eyes narrowed, his expression tense. "What? You going to get all pissy on me again?"

"Would you prefer it?"

"Hell yeah." Jade bristled, turning to press his back up against the shelves, his legs curled up so his chin was on his knees. "You've fucked with me before. What's stopping you now?"

"We should set down some ground rules," Heero told him, tone carefully bland. "I have certain expectations. You live up to them, and you wil be left alone."

Jade narrowed his eyes, lowering his chin until his eyes were just barely visible over his knees.

Heero took that as acquiescence, or at least a willingness to hear him out. "I will tell you what I expect. If you can do it, then do it. If you can't, say so. If you can, and you don't, then I will tell you the consequences." Heero was vaguely amused by the notion of telling Maxwell to follow any directions. "You will then have one chance to change your mind. If you choose not to do the task, then you will suffer the consequences."

Jade lifted his chin, and his lips were pursed as he considered that. His eyes flickered around the room again before glancing back to Heero. "Seems fair," he said, a bit begrudgingly. "Or is this another game?"

"No games." Heero shook his head, once, slowly, for emphasis. "Why are you so convinced everything is a trick?"

"Always is," Jade said, and shrugged. His eyes dropped away from Heero's gaze, and he fidgeted momentarily. Raising his chin again, his blue eyes were hard as he stared at Heero. "You're not gonna expect me to be all gooey-eyed over you, are you?"

"Gooey-eyed?" Heero raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Jade drawled, dragging the word out, but it wasn't derisive. It struck Heero that Jade used the word to fill the space while he thought of what to say next. "I'm not going to get all soft 'n crap over you. You're just one more guy telling me what to do."

Heero pondered that, doing his best to seem to consider Jade's words seriously. Inside, however, he realized the damage he'd done. Rather than successfully taking the weight off Trowa's shoulders, he'd only managed to convince Jade that the young man was disposable, transferable, and not worth keeping. Shit, Heero groaned internally. I'm just fucking up.

"I'm not one more guy," Heero said, choosing his words carefully. "There's no need for you to like me. But I do require that you trust me."

"Trust?" Jade's face was a picture of astonishment. "Of course―" He shut his mouth and glared, then shrugged easily, a lazy roll of the shoulders. "Like hell. You don't trust _me_."

"You have yet to give me a reason to."

Jade kicked his right foot out, making the chains rattle. "My wrists hurt. And my ankle itches."

"Almost three months, Jade." Heero stood up, stretching, doing his best to ignore Jade's automatic flinch. "We've clothed you, given you a home, and attention and affection." He knelt then, on the edge of the pillow, and reached into Jade's collar to pull out the pendant from under the sweater. "When you see this, it's to remind you that we... _both_...care for you. Why is that so hard for you to accept?"

"Cause you don't," Jade whispered harshly, his smile flashing across his face before it disappeared behind a scowl. "Master looks like he's going to be sick every time he touches me, and you...you never do unless Master's around." His voice became scathing, even as the smile reappeared. "So don't tell me I shouldn't lie to you, when _you're_ so busy lying to _me_."

"Damn it," Heero shouted, letting go of the pendant and coming to his feet. "You're not making any fucking sense! You said you don't want to be touched, and here you're upset because we didn't touch you? _Pick one_ , damn it!"

Jade scowled and hunched his shoulders, looking away.

"Duo―"

Jade whimpered, and bit his lower lip, every line in his face strained.

"Jade," Heero amended, and took a deep breath before unleashing his temper. "I have known you for ten years, and in all that time, you have been an idiot many times, but you have never been _stupid_. Use that fucking brilliant brain of yours and _pick one_. You can align trajectory derivatives on the fly, and yet you want me to believe that you can't understand that you have two contradictory concepts co-existing in that thick skull of yours? Touch, or no touch! _Pick one!_ "

Jade's only response was to hunker down into a ball, one foot moving to lay over the other one as he curled up tightly, his head down. Heero stared down at the huddled figure and sighed, rubbing his forehead.

Lunch, he thought. Make something for lunch. We'll eat, and then...to hell with this, he decided. We'll get started on the barn. I have absolutely no qualifications for psychoanalyzing someone. Gritting his teeth, he managed to grind out the schedule for the afternoon, watching as Jade quivered, and finally nodded, his head still tucked between his knees.

Heero shook his head and went into the kitchen, pulling out sandwich fixings and making them both a simple lunch. Ifrit wandered in, meowing loudly, and Heero raised his eyebrows at the cat before nudging the cat's full bowl with his foot. Ifrit sniffed the food and wandered to the door, waiting. Heero shook his head and let the cat out, returning to the living room with the lunches. He set the sandwiches down on the low table, and undid Jade's wrists, but left the restraints on.

Jade ignored him, but began eating the moment Heero set the plate in front of him. Heero chewed thoughtfully on his own sandwich, watching as Jade nearly inhaled the meal. Just like Duo, he thought, and his head ached. He noticed that Jade had been finished for several minutes and was watching Heero's sandwich with hopeful eyes. Heero finished off the last of his sandwich and picked up the two plates, leaving them in the sink.

He came back to the living room and was pondering the chain when Jade finally spoke again.

"What's..." Jade shifted in place, his brow furrowed. "What are trajectory derivatives?"

"They're..." Heero blinked, and shook his head. "Never mind."

"Are they important?" Jade's voice was soft, and a little sad.

Heero was quiet for a moment, before bending to remove the chain from the fireplace hook. "A long time ago," he said. "A long time ago, they were."


	19. the bare thorn

The tepid rain falls  
On the bare thorn.  
_―_ Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Trowa stopped the Jeep at the bottom of the driveway, and turned off the engine. For several minutes he stared at the gray world around him, the glittering snow under the overcast skies. Nothing felt real, and he slipped off his glove to touch the window. He shivered, dropping his hand and sinking forward until his forehead was against the steering wheel.

Leaving them is the stupidest thing I've ever done, he told himself. And the most selfish...but if I stay... He couldn't finish the thought, and started to turn the key in the ignition, then stopped.

No, he told himself firmly. Turn the Jeep around and head back up there. Heero's still too exhausted and shell-shocked, and Jade's... Trowa sighed, and shook his head. They're going to have to deal with it. I can't be there all the time. And I'm not up to dealing with Jade right now. I'm too shell-shocked, myself.

Trowa's palms itched, and his mouth was dry. He ran a hand over his forehead, pressing momentarily at his temples, and wondered if he had aspirin in his traveling case. Blindly he reached into the quick overnight bag he'd packed, digging around between the clothes, only to pull out his cell phone. He stared at it for several seconds, and punched in a number before he realized what he was doing. Putting the phone to his ear, he waited as the line rang. It was answered in a breathless tone, a baritone that made Trowa shiver again, but not from cold.

"Trowa?"

"Yeah, it's me," Trowa said simply. "I'm..." He couldn't finish the sentence. He couldn't find the words, and his throat wasn't working.

There was a short pause, and Trowa could hear Quatre's muffled voice as he spoke to someone else. Then he came back, his baritone firm and clear across the lines. "Where are you?"

"Sur la Croix," Trowa told him. "Will be in Courgenay in about an hour."

Quatre was silent again, for several minutes. Trowa didn't start the car, but stared out the window at a crow sitting on a fence post by the road. The black shape seemed to be mocking him, and he could hear the faint tap of computer keys in the background.

"I can be there in three hours," Quatre said. "I'll call when I get into town."

Trowa blinked. "That's really―"

"Yes, it is," Quatre interrupted, his voice amused and stern, at the same time. "You're my oldest friend, Trowa...and my first love. You have every right to impose, and no need to ask. I'm on my way."

He hung up, and Trowa was left staring at the phone, a little bemused. The surprise melted into a warm feeling of comfort, and Trowa tossed the phone into his bag before starting the Jeep and pulling out of the driveway.

Well, bookstore browsing always was more fun with Quatre.

 

 

 

Trowa had been wandering in the history aisles when his phone rang. After giving Quatre directions to the bookstore, he made his way to the psychology section. Few titles seemed to have anything to apply, but he picked up a new translation of the Book of Five Rings. He wondered if Heero might like it, and Trowa hefted the small book in his hand before setting it atop the stack already in his arms.

He'd worked his way through to the science fiction section when Quatre found him. Trowa was on his knees with the stack in front of him, browsing several new stories by one of his favorite authors when he heard a low laugh. He looked up to see Quatre kneeling, bent over far enough that only his sky-blue eyes were visible above the top book.

"You sure this is going to be enough?" Quatre sat up, then, and regarded Trowa with open affection. "If your car has rear-wheel drive, buy a few more books and they'll make a great counterweight so you can get back up those mountain roads."

Trowa set three more books on the stack, deftly gathering the stack into his arms before standing. "I haven't been book-shopping in three months," he explained, as Quatre kissed him on both cheeks in the European manner of greeting. "I've got a lot of catching up to do."

"Three months in Kenya," Quatre read out loud as they moved to a nearby table. He bent over to read more of the spines. "America, New Mexico...Lost in the Forest...Stalking Mount Fuji..." Quatre straightened up with a light laugh. "I see you're still on the travelogue kick."

"Not entirely. There's more than just that."

"Yeah, half of the bookstore." Quatre glanced around with a wide smile. "Think they'll complain if you take most of their stock?"

"It won't fit in the Jeep."

"Wouldn't be the first time you've tied boxes to the roof of a car to transport books." Quatre ducked out of the way of Trowa's absent-minded attempt at a swat, and laughed as they split the stack between them. "Come on, finish your browsing."

An hour later they left the bookstore, and Quatre made a point of pretending to drag the bags across the parking lot. Trowa shook his head and opened the trunk. Quatre continued teasing, counting as Trowa loaded the eight bags.

"Sixty-four books," Quatre concluded. "Well, that should keep you for about three days. Have you eaten?"

"Heero said there was a restaurant downstairs from the bookstore." Trowa shut the trunk and turned around, looking at the bookstore, a little puzzled.

"Probably enter the basement on the next street over." Quatre laughed at Trowa's expression. "Mountain town, what do you expect? Come on. Watching you peruse every damn section is hungry work."

"You mean keeping up a running commentary about my every damn _selection_ is hungry work," Trowa pretended to grumble. He fell in step beside Quatre, once again surprised at how Quatre's stride nearly matched his. Trowa leaned back to stare across the top of Quatre's head, the blond hair still tousled as it had been when they were kids. "I think you've grown."

"It's the platform shoes," Quatre shot back. "You're not _that_ tall, y'know."

"You were always short." Trowa hid a grin in the collar of his jacket as Quatre shook his head in disgust.

"You were five-four when we met. I'd hardly call that an impressive height."

" _You_ were five-two."

"I'm six-one now," Quatre retorted. "I'm gaining on you."

"Still shorter."

Quatre snorted, about to say something when his phone rang. Glancing at the screen, he mouthed 'Emmy,' and answered the phone. The entire conversation was in rapid French, with the liquid lilt Quatre had picked up after two years in Morocco. The dialect was just enough different that Trowa's Parisian French did him no good, so he waited patiently. Quatre grinned at Trowa several times, which was indication enough to Trowa that he was being discussed, and he shrugged as Quatre finished the conversation. When Quatre hung up, he was grinning from ear to ear.

"Laylah has decided that you're the one she's going to marry," Quatre told him smugly. "I hear she's got the dress all picked out."

"I'm gay," Trowa replied.

"Ah, don't be breaking my daughter's heart before she's even hit double digits." Quatre glanced up at the restaurant's awning, and latched onto Trowa's arm, tugging him through the door. "Inside, now, before I freeze to death."

 

 

 

Trowa was relieved that Quatre kept the conversation light, although Quatre didn't chatter nearly as much as he once had, to Trowa's relief. Years of friendship, he supposed, and Quatre knew now when to speak and when to be silent. Trowa was stirring the cream into his coffee when Quatre finally glanced around the restaurant and leaned forward across the table, resting his elbows on the table as he gave Trowa a pointed look.

"Day off," Quatre said. He studied Trowa's face for several long seconds. "Or more?"

"Day and night." Trowa shrugged and sipped his coffee, then added a bit more cream as Quatre watched. "Time for a break."

"For whom?"

"All of us." Trowa stared down into the soft brown liquid, and stirred it idly a few more times. "I nearly broke up with Heero."

Quatre nodded, to show he was listening, but didn't say anything.

"After Wufei's visit...Jade started talking, but only to me," Trowa explained. He took a deep breath, and began explaining the weeks that followed: Heero's withdrawal, the silence in the house, and the isolation. He didn't mention the long nights he'd lain awake, listening to the other two men breathing and wondering why he felt so empty. He knew Quatre would know, even without the specifics. "I couldn't take it anymore."

"Happens," Quatre said. He sipped his own coffee, his blue eyes settling on Trowa's hand as it straightened the spoon against the dessert fork.

Trowa swallowed hard, and took a deep breath before telling Quatre about Heero's explosion, the discovery in the trunk, and Jade's unexpected reactions. "He said..." Trowa glanced away, unable to meet Quatre's eyes. "He's angry at me for... _touching_ him." He glanced up to see Quatre's brows drawn together.

"What kind of touching?"

"What?" Trowa gave him a baffled look, and shrugged. "The touching kind, I guess."

"There are different kinds of touch," Quatre said patiently, with no hint of patronizing that a lesser diplomat might show. "I've already had the bad touch conversation with my daughters. And there are different kinds of touch. Sexual, non-sexual..." He cocked his head, looking thoughtful. "And non-physical."

"That's not touching." Trowa finished off his coffee and set the china cup down, wishing the French believed in larger mugs.

"It can be. You've not indicated that Jade's being very...specific in his complaints. He sounds like he's trying to tell you something without coming right out and saying it."

Trowa shook his head. "Duo always―"

"Not Duo," Quatre said, his tone firm, but sad. " _Jade_. And nothing you've told me of the latest development is Duo, either. However much you want it to be."

"I want it to be over," Trowa whispered. "I'm so exhausted, Quatre. I can't...I feel like..." He waved a hand vaguely, unable to put the feeling into words.

Quatre nodded. "Perhaps the problem is that Jade loves you."

Trowa nearly bit his tongue to keep from the bitter chuckle threatening to overwhelm him. "No, I doubt that. Jade made it perfectly clear that if I died tomorrow, he'd have his dancing shoes ready."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Quatre leaned back, his eyes hooded as he turned to watch the restaurant employees busy themselves. "You said he was upset when Heero told him he'd not get anymore affection. Says to me that what Jade meant by touch, and what you thought he meant, are two different things."

"I don't see why he couldn't―"

Quatre laughed, gently, his even white teeth flashing in the restaurant's late afternoon light. "Once you've dealt with a two-year old...or several...Jade's actions might make more sense."

"Figures." Trowa stared morosely into his empty coffee cup. "Heero thinks of his own training. I think of dealing with the lions. You think of toddlers."

"We each apply what we can, from our own experience." Quatre's smile was suddenly gone, his eyes serious as he regarded Trowa. "Children want guidance. They seek it, and at the same time, they want to discover the world on their own. You can set limits too closely, and watch them rebel. Or you can be too loose, and watch them recoil from what seems to be an unsafe world. The trick is to be clear and consistent."

"Sounds like training an animal," Trowa said, one eyebrow raised. "That didn't get me very far."

"Trowa, I pity the day you have a child of your own," Quatre retorted. "That child will see you as the center of his or her universe, and your days will be filled with this little person following you around and worshipping you simply because you exist. Then, one day," Quatre leaned forward, his eyes narrowed, "the kid is going to discover there's more to the world than your apron strings. And believe me, the pain you're feeling right now is right up there with hearing a small child scream at you in a supermarket that she _hates_ you, and wishes you were dead."

Trowa gaped. "Kids do that?"

"Hell, yeah," Quatre replied, wearily. "Laylah threw a fit when I refused to let her have the double-layer cookies with the cartoon character on the package. She doesn't even _like_ peanut butter. But telling her 'no' was tantamount to the greatest betrayal she'd ever known." Quatre canted his head at Trowa, his eyebrows raised. "Ever occur to you that without his memories, Jade is essentially a newborn child? He's existed for...nine months now? Maybe a little more? And if you think in those terms, it's about time he developed language skills - even if his are more fluent than the average newborn."

"He's a newborn, perhaps, but one that's been through something I wouldn't even wish on Dekim Barton," Trowa replied grimly.

Quatre shook his head. "He's still dependent. It's just that now he might be resenting that dependence. Doesn't mean he's not still dependent, however. Maybe he just needs you to reassure him that he can still come back to you, even if he wants to explore."

"He can't explore," Trowa said stubbornly. "It's two miles down the―"

"Stop being so literal," Quatre said, cutting him off with an annoyed look. "I know there's an intuitive brain in there somewhere, if you'd pick yourself out of your rut long enough to take an objective view. Jade is exploring who he is, and that means he's going to have to question who he is in relation to _you_. Everything he is, right now, is as an extension of you. So when he starts to push away at himself, you're part of what gets pushed."

Trowa leaned forward on the table to cover his face with his hands. He kept his face covered for a long minute, before moving his hands up to run through his hair, feeling it flop back down over his forehead as he gave Quatre an unhappy look. "I feel like...I shouldn't have left," he whispered. "I feel like I've done the worst thing possible. Leaving Jade, alone with Heero, after all Heero's done in the past month..."

"Emmy warned me you might say that."

"Emmy?" Trowa groaned and sat back, fiddling with the coffee spoon before dropping it on the table. "How much did you tell her?"

"Only that you needed a break. She told me to remind you about her first day back at work after Laylah was born." Quatre grinned ruefully. "Laylah wasn't too happy about daycare, and had a major temper tantrum. Spent fifteen minutes on the floor kicking and screaming about Emmy was leaving her, but every time Emmy tried to hug Laylah goodbye, the brat launched into how she hated Emmy and never wanted to see her again." Quatre laughed, shaking his head. "I think that's time number two that Emmy's ever cried."

"What was time number one?" Trowa raised his head, mildly curious.

"When she was six, and her pony died," Quatre replied, amusement bubbling up in his laugh. He sobered, his eyes dropping. The waitress appeared, refilling their cups and leaving the check. Quatre waited until she walked away. "Trowa," he said, gently. "You can't raise a child on your own."

"I'm not," Trowa replied, indignant. "Heero―"

"Hasn't been doing much," Quatre interjected smoothly, then raised a hand, forestalling Trowa's response. "Which is not a reflection on his intentions, but merely a statement of fact. Some things aren't easily shared. But you've gotten to the point where it's time for the other person to take over. Gives you a break," he added, with a quick smile. "But it also allows the child to start relating to someone different, without always focusing on you...and your expectations."

"Still seems like a rather callous way to do it," Trowa muttered. "I feel like I let Jade get thrown into the deep end."

"If you don't return to find Jade waiting anxiously for you, I'll treat you to three hours in a bookstore of your choice."

"And if Jade is waiting?"

Quatre leaned forward; his eyes were piercing, and his smile wicked. "You watch the girls the next time Emmy and I celebrate an anniversary."

Trowa contemplated an evening of listening to Laylah explain wedding plans. He gave Quatre a pained look. "Is there an alternate option?"

Quatre grinned and shook his head. "Have you found a place to stay tonight?"

"Are you going to tell me now that it's better if we fight this together?"

"No point. You never listened, then. Doubt you'll start now."

"Like you expect me to believe that," Trowa said, a smile playing at the edge of his lips despite his attempts to look skeptical. "You're too stubborn to give up that easily."

"Oh, I figure I can take a hint after at least a decade." Quatre stood up, and gave Trowa a teasing bow before pulling on his coat. He dug his gloves out of his pocket, giving a melodramatic sigh. "Barton, you always were the only one who could resist my charms."

 

 

 

The truth was, Trowa thought, that he was the only one who could never resist Quatre's charms. The other man knew it, too, but at least after so many years the truth didn't hurt like it once did. Trowa stared through the window, down the narrow city streets towards the mountains, and listened to the shower running in the bathroom his room shared with Quatre's. Trowa turned, taking in the overly frilly room, the fluffy duvet with large pink and green flowers, the lace on the windows and the canopy. A basket of dried flowers sat in the fireplace, and Trowa suddenly felt homesick. Before he could second-guess himself, he pulled out the cell phone from his bag, and punched in the number for the cabin. Heero answered on the third ring.

"Hey," Trowa said, keeping his voice low as he listened to the water being shut off.

"Hey, yourself," Heero replied, his tone delighted. He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was lower and more distant. "Are you...doing okay?"

"Better." Trowa stared at an old print on the wall, barely registering the image of ladies in impossibly large skirts picnicking in an Alpine field. "Quatre's here. We had lunch."

"That's good."

The line was silent for several seconds, and Trowa tried not to sigh into the mouthpiece. He wasn't sure what to say, and realized his fingers were tugging repeatedly at the zipper on his bag. He pushed the bag away. "How is...everything there?"

"We got some of the gypsum board up, but quit when it got dark."

Not what I meant and you know it, Trowa thought, with a flash of irritation. He chewed his lower lip, and considered whether Heero was trying to tell him something. His stomach twisted, and he took a breath to steady himself. "How is Jade doing?"

"Taking a bath right now," Heero said, his voice unexpectedly amused at something. "We've reached an understanding. Tentative, but it's progress."

"Oh." Trowa stared at the print some more, and wondered absently if there were rooms in small inns that weren't decorated to feminine tastes. The frills on the bed were giving him the creeps. "What kind of understanding?"

"He does what I tell him to," Heero said flatly. "Or he suffers the consequences."

"Consequences," Trowa repeated, feeling cold.

"He ate dinner by himself in the barn, for purposefully hitting the wallboard instead of the nail," Heero explained. "And tomorrow he'll have to spackle all the hammer-marks."

"I see." Trowa frowned, as the logic of it dawned on him. However intuitively, they'd followed Quatre's experience: Trowa had provided unconditional attention, and now Heero was setting the limits. "How are _you_ doing?"

There was a long pause. Heero's voice echoed on the line, sounding forlorn. "I miss you."

"Yeah," Trowa replied, knowing that was all he had to say.

 

 

 

Trowa leaned against the doorjamb as Quatre pulled a sweater over his head. They had decided on a late dinner, since neither had eaten much for lunch. "How fast did you have to pack?"

"I didn't," Quatre replied, smiling as he slipped his feet into his boots and knelt to lace them up. "I always keep a change of clothes in the car." He shrugged. "Never know what you'll be in for, on a jobsite."

"True."

They were quiet, as Quatre led the way to the restaurant suggested by the innkeeper. The interior was dark, but quiet, and the host huffed at Quatre's request but showed them to a table tucked in at the back. Trowa gave Quatre a puzzled look.

"I prefer eating in peace," Quatre said, his grin mischievous. "We sit out in the open, and I'll have to tolerate every waitress coming by to make eyes at you."

"Hardly," Trowa replied, unfolding the napkin and dropping it into his lap before he flipped open the menu. "Bottle of wine?"

"Sure." Quatre was quiet while he perused the menu, only asking Trowa to translate some of the German terms once or twice. Quatre made a face. "We're too near the border. I bet we're going to get sausages with everything."

Trowa sat back and watched Quatre, his smile widening as Quatre rearranged the wine glass, the water glass, and the silverware. Quatre looked up with a slight frown.

"What?"

"You still do that." Trowa nodded to the silverware and the glasses.

"I just can't believe in a good restaurant they wouldn't know how to set the table."

"You are so a product of your upbringing."

"Says the born mechanic."

"You don't see me deconstructing your car, do you?"

"I'm sure your fingers are itching this very moment." Quatre leaned over, and laughed as though he could see Trowa's hands under the table. "I was right. Besides, that list of everything you've done with Une's cabin...it's like listening to you fuss about the balance on Heavyarms all over again."

"I just think things should be done properly, and sometimes that requires tweaking." Trowa gave his friend a bored look, but it was ruined when the corners of his lips twitched, just a little.

"Well, excuse me while I tweak the place settings," Quatre announced, reaching forward to switch Trowa's wine glass and water glass. "Much better," he announced, leaning back with a smug grin.

Trowa rolled his eyes and poured more wine for both. When he set down the bottle, his mood had shifted suddenly, although he wasn't certain what had prompted the thought. "I don't know if your analogy goes any further than my experiences or Heero's," he said abruptly.

"Oh?" Quatre gave him an intrigued look from over the rim of his wine glass.

"It's..." Trowa stared down at the tablecloth before dragging his gaze up to meet Quatre's. "It's..." He pursed his lips, and exhaled in a fast breath. "When Jade talked about touch...there's been sexual touch."

The other man didn't blink. His face was calm, and his eyes were steady.

Trowa ducked his head, letting his hair fall across his face. "Jade...every touch was sexual." He shrugged, with one shoulder, unable to complete the motion. "The first time, it was Heero's decision to manually stimulate Jade to orgasm." Trowa could keep his voice neutral only by avoiding the shocked gaze he was certain would soon appear on Quatre's face. "The second time...we finally got him to talk, and I asked him what reward he wanted. He wanted, and I let him...he gave me..." Trowa couldn't finish, ashamed.

The table was silent for several minutes, and Trowa could see, out of the corner of his eyes, Quatre setting the wine glass down. Quatre nudged it with a finger until it was back in its proper place. Then Quatre cleared his throat and leaned forward.

"He's a _slave_ ," Quatre said. "Jade was trained to please you in any way possible. I've read the documentation. Jade was trained to please you, whether that be by cleaning the house or licking your boots every morning until they shine. If he can share your bed, that's one of the greatest rewards you could give him. If he can touch you, that's a better one." Quatre frowned, and tilted his head, a thoughtful look crossing his features. "And if you touch him in return, then that's possibly one of the greatest rewards of all."

Trowa blinked slowly, as the words sank in. Raising his head, he gave Quatre a puzzled look. "I've hugged Jade. And I kiss him, platonically. I try to be very affectionate."

"How'd you react when he gave you a blowjob?'

"Ah," Trowa said, wincing, both at the bluntness and at the memory. "I thought I was going to be sick. I told him to go to bed." He pushed the fork across the table until it bumped against the base of Quatre's wine glass. "Heero's the one who knew that couldn't be enough. So he..." Trowa shrugged, and smiled ruefully. "I'm not normally this coy about sexual things."

"I know you're not," Quatre agreed. "But this is different." He leaned his elbow on the table, and rested his chin on his fist. "So you never touched Jade in a sexual manner, although you accepted his advances."

"Once," Trowa snapped quietly. "Only once."

"But did he make others?"

"Plenty of times." Trowa moved the fork until it was back to its original location. "To both of us, actually."

"Jade might have the emotional stability of a two-year old," Quatre mused, "but it sounds like he still has the same libido as Duo."

Trowa snorted. "I met his boyfriend, and heard the guy's complaints. I doubt Jade's even half the voracious lover Duo was."

"Just a random thought," Quatre said, his tone hesitant. "But maybe Jade's mad about being touched because you never let him reciprocate? Or perhaps because you accepted his touch, but didn't respond to it?" He shrugged, smiling briefly as their dinners were set before them. "For most adults, attention and affection is a two-way street. Doesn't sound like that's what you had with Jade."

"I don't _want_ a sexual relationship with him," Trowa hissed, suddenly angry.

Qautre dropped his knife and fork with a clatter and leaned forward to point at Trowa, his finger stabbing with his words. "You don't have a _choice_ , Barton. He is a sexual being, and has needs. You, and to some extent Heero, are parent, friend, _and_ lover, all rolled into one. You can't pick and choose what you will and won't do."

"What about setting limits?" Trowa picked up his fork and stabbed at the venison. He knew he was seething, but he didn't care.

After a minute, he frowned, realizing that Quatre hadn't responded. Curious, Trowa glanced up to see the other man regarding him sadly. Quatre noticed Trowa's raised eyebrows, and dropped his gaze. Picking up his knife and fork, Quatre began slicing his steak. He put a piece in his mouth, chewed slowly, swallowed, and took a sip of wine before looking at Trowa again.

"I don't know, Trowa," Quatre whispered. "I don't have the answers. I can only tell you what works if you're coming at it from a parent's point of view. And I'm willing to raise questions and help you see things from a different perspective. But I don't have the answers." He dropped his eyes, and stared at his plate, playing absently with his potato. "I can only tell you that limits on behavior, expectations...those are important. But you can't set limits on love. And you certainly can't make love the reward for good behavior. Love exists separately from that, and doesn't falter, despite the behavior."

Trowa frowned.

"Shit," Quatre said, rolling his eyes as he set his fork down. "Seems to me that you forgave Heero for some atrociously selfish behavior this past month. And you did it damn quickly, too." Quatre's eyes were appraising as he took another swallow of wine.

"That's different." Trowa took another bite of venison.

"Looks an awful lot alike from where I sit."

"I didn't say I forgave him," Trowa qualified, a bit tentatively. "Not completely."

"But you still love him."

Trowa nodded, a little reluctantly. At Quatre's smug look, he sighed and nodded more emphatically.

"I rest my case." Quatre smiled, a small, secret expression. "I never forgave you for leaving after the wars to go back to the circus. But I never stopped loving you, either." He took another bite of steak and grinned around the fork in his mouth. Swallowing, he grinned again. "However, I am not _in_ love with you, any longer. Please clarify that to Heero so he doesn't come kick my ass."

"Make me baby-sit your daughters and I might forget to add that last detail," Trowa teased, his good mood returning at Quatre's brilliant smile.

"Do that, and I'll sic my wife on you."

"Can't scare me. I've got years of dealing with Catherine."

Quatre laughed, a full-throated sound, throwing his head back. When he settled down, he grinned amiably at Trowa, and shook his head a little. "All I'm saying is that when you love someone, their behavior won't change your feelings. Not deep down, where it counts. You might not forgive them, and you might write them off..." His voice stumbled, and he dropped his eyes before continuing. "But you still love them. The end of love moves on a completely different schedule."

Trowa nodded slowly, considering Quatre's words carefully as he pondered how he felt about them. It made sense, on a logical level, but it also made sense on a gut level. Somehow, the two together made him feel a little less despair about the situation at home. But it still left one question unanswered, and he sighed, figuring Quatre might not know, but he'd have a good suggestion anyway.

"So," Trowa said, and attempted a smile. "What do I do now? Jade doesn't want me to touch him, and he doesn't want me near him..."

"Do what you do best," Quatre replied gently. "Wait and see...and continue to love him. But love him as he is, not for who he was or who you hope he'll become. Love him as we love all those that matter to us...for the good, _and_ the bad."


	20. the bamboo forest

Wintery wind   
Becomes quiet  
In the bamboo forest  
_―_ Basho

 

 

 

Heero looked up from his book as Jade left the bathroom, the bells chiming softly. Jade was wearing one of Trowa's gray sweaters, and a pair of black sweatpants. Heero could see the collar of a black turtleneck under the sweater. He raised his eyebrows at the sudden change to a monochromatic wardrobe, but schooled his face into impassivity when Jade glanced his way before heading up the stairs, dirty clothes in his arms. A few minutes later Jade returned, coming to stand by the sofa, shifting awkwardly in place. When Heero looked up but didn't say anything, Jade bent over and dragged his pillow closer to the fireplace. Sitting cross-legged, Jade positioned himself with his side to the fire, but he wasn't facing Heero directly.

It took a minute for Heero to register that Jade was facing the door. "Did you want to read, Jade?" Heero nodded at the shelves. "There are plenty of books."

"I don't want to read any of your stupid books," Jade grumbled, but his last words were interrupted by a yawn. He leaned his cheek on one fist and continued staring at the door.

Heero shrugged and went back to reading. A few minutes later, Jade spoke up, his voice tentative. "When the phone rang..."

"It was Trowa," Heero replied, scowling internally. He'd almost said _Master._ "You were in the tub. I didn't think you'd want to be interrupted to speak with him."

Jade frowned, dropping his chin for several seconds, then lifted it again with a lazy smile on his face. The line was between his brows again, though, giving him a worried look as he shrugged casually. "That bastard? Like I care."

"Right," Heero replied blandly, and went back to reading.

In his peripheral vision, he could see Jade studying him for several long minutes, before going back to staring at the door, and Heero nearly gave away the game by smiling. After a day of working on the barn, and two punishments for Jade's impulsive rebellions, Heero had been relieved to find Jade pliable at the notion that taking dinner alone without protest, and seeing to his bedtime ritual without supervision, would result in no ankle restraints. Heero turned another page, glancing up as Jade raised a hand to run it through his hair, and was surprised to see that Jade was still wearing the wrist restraints. That gave him pause, but a quick note of Jade's tense shoulders made Heero decide to let it go. He sighed, and went back to reading.

When the clock struck eleven, Heero sat up with a start. He hadn't realized it was that late, and he marked his place before gently closing the book. Jade's eyes were closed, his cheek still propped up by one fist, and Jade was swaying a little in place as sleep tried to overtake his body.

"Bed time," Heero said, setting the book down on the table.

"No," Jade retorted, his eyes snapping open. He glared at Heero for a second, and sat up, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand. Shooting Heero another nasty look, Jade situated himself and began staring at the door.

Heero rolled his eyes and stood up. "Bed time," he said more firmly.

"Go on without me," Jade retorted, but didn't look at Heero as he yawned. "I don't want to go to bed."

"You're falling asleep, Jade." Heero moved to stand between Jade and the door, with his arms crossed. He was intrigued by the fact that Jade shifted a little to see around him, but kept his expression neutral. Jade yawned again, and glared at him. Heero snorted. "Like I said, falling asleep. Bed. Now."

"Don't tell me what to do. You're not Master." Jade moved to rest his cheek on his other fist, the exposed cheek an angry red from the earlier pressure. His eyes shuttered closed for a few seconds, then jerked open again as Heero took a step closer.

"You just keep telling yourself that," Heero said, feeling a yawn fight its way to the surface. Gritting his teeth, he bent over to take Jade by the elbow. "Bed. Don't make me repeat myself."

"Fuck you," Jade said, jerking his elbow out of Heero's hand. "I'm not going to bed just because you are."

"No, you're going to bed because I don't want you falling asleep and cracking your head wide open." Heero pointed at the nearby table for emphasis, and leaned over again, taking Jade's elbow more firmly. "Do you really want to be restrained while you sleep?"

"I've not done anything wrong!" Jade tried to yank his arm back, his other hand flailing for something to grab onto. "Asshole! Let go of me! I'm staying up!"

"Fine," Heero snapped, dropping Jade suddenly. "We'll see just how long you can stay up. But the second I see those eyes close, you're going to bed." He stomped back to his chair and sat down, his eyes fixed on Jade. See how long this lasts, he told himself, and beginning the mental steps that he'd used during the war. They'd keep him awake, he knew, at least long enough to disprove Jade's insistence.

Heero was surprised, and a little amused, to find that it only took to the count of twenty, and Jade's head was already nodding, his eyes sliding shut despite valiant attempts to keep them open. It wasn't easy, but he was starting to catch the rapid-fire shifts in Jade's body language. Patiently he sorted through Jade's behavior, comparing it to Jade's words, and his question upon coming to sit by the fire. Heero reached his conclusion and pondered how he could use the information to his advantage, if his theory was correct. When he spoke, keeping his voice at conversation level, he nearly laughed at the guilty jump from Jade.

"You're waiting for Trowa," Heero announced. "He's not coming back tonight."

Jade flushed, his hands splaying against the pillow. Just as rapidly, however, he was shrugging, shifting his weight backwards to rest it on his wrists as he gave Heero a lopsided grin. "That's bullshit. I could care less what that bastard does."

"No," Heero said, shaking his head slowly. "You care a great deal. As a matter of fact, I think you'd stay up all night in the hopes of seeing that door open."

Jade shot to his feet in a single graceful leap, his fists clenched and raised, his chin jutting angrily. "Fuck you!" Jade's eyes went wide, and he glanced at the door again before the scowl returned. "You just don't want to go to bed because _you_ don't want to sleep alone!"

"Jade." Heero sighed in annoyance and stood up.

Jade flinched, stepping back a half-pace, but his fists remained up. His eyes were narrowed, and he smiled suddenly. "You just can't stand the idea that Master might realize _you're_ not worth the trouble," he spat. "Stay up if you want to. I'm going to bed!" And with that, Jade spun, stomping towards the stairs and up them, making as much noise as he could manage.

Heero remained where he was, a little bemused. That was almost too easy, he thought, and smiled to himself before checking the fire, blowing out one lamp, and lifting the other to carry it to the bedroom.

 

 

 

The room was dark, and the moon was behind clouds. Heero blinked, trying to place the strange sound that he'd finally realized wasn't part of the already-fading dream. It was an irregular thumping, accompanied by what sounded like rustling cotton, and panting. Heero sat up, blinking at the room, and rubbed his eyes, then blinked a few more times as they adjusted. The noise continued, and he frowned, getting out of bed, following the sound to its source.

Jade was twisted in his sheets, his blanket thrown halfway off as he'd shifted until his head was against the wooden floor. His face was contorted in pain, his eyes squeezed shut, and his mouth open as he panted with ragged breaths. Every few seconds he'd lift up his head, and bring it down with a solid thud. Jade whimpered softly, struggled a few more times, and one leg kicked under the sheets. Heero grimaced and knelt by Jade, getting his hands under Jade's shoulders and moving him back to lay straight on the mattress. Jade didn't wake, but recoiled from the touch, rolling farther off the mattress and away from Heero's grasp.

"Jade, wake up," Heero whispered, chagrined.

Jade only kicked more frantically at the sheets and whimpered. His head came up again, and slammed down on the wooden floor even harder as he jerked against the tangled sheets. Heero winced and grabbed for Jade, lifting him up by the shoulders and yanking the sheets off the sleeping man. A keening sound started in Jade's throat, which built to a yowl as he flipped over, shaking violently, burying his head in Heero's lap. Heero could feel Jade's body shuddering against his thighs, as Jade hands scrambled for purchase against the sheets.

"Shh," Heero murmured, sighing in exasperation as he hauled Jade bodily into his lap. It wasn't an easy maneuver, between their equal heights and the fact that Jade was shaking too badly to be much help. Jade's eyes were still squeezed shut, and Heero's next move was completely on gut instinct.

"Jade," he said, pulling Jade between his legs, guiding Jade's head towards his chest. Heero deepened his voice a little, trying to mimic Trowa's medium-tenor, with its honey quality, and the peculiar inflection of Trowa's speech. "Jade," Heero repeated, as Jade's shuddering stilled momentarily. "It's okay, I'm here."

The yowling returned, hitting a high pitch. It was muffled against Heero's chest, and staggered by the harsh breathing as Jade wriggled closer, as though trying to burrow into Heero's chest. Heero could only stare in shock, and wrap his arms around Jade the way he'd seen Trowa respond. Gradually Heero became aware that the keening sound was breaking off into mumbled words, and he bent his head over Jade, listening intently.

"Mas...ter, Mas...ter," Jade moaned, huge shuddering breaths wracking his frame. "Don't leave me..."

"Shh," Heero soothed, hesitating to make sure he had Trowa's cadence before trying for more. "I won't, I'm right here...everything is okay. You're safe. I'm here."

"Don't leave..." Jade cried again. His arms were hanging down limply along Heero's sides. Jade's palms beat against the mattress a few times, on either side of Heero's thighs. "Don't..."

Jade's voice faded off, and the panting eased. A few more shivers ran through Jade's body, but Heero continued to rock them both, murmuring a continuous series of soothing noises as he stroked Jade's back. After several minutes had passed by Heero's guess, he halted, moving his arm to see Jade's face better. It was wiped of its desperation, and he was sound asleep, and wearing a contented smile. Heero sighed, cupping Jade's chin in his hand, and ran his thumb back and forth across Jade's lower lip.

"I know that smile," Heero whispered. "I didn't realize I'd miss it."

Cautiously he bent over, pressing his lips against Jade's forehead. Pulling back, he smiled in return as Jade gave a deep sigh and relaxed further into his hold. Heero remained there for a minute, his arms wrapped around Jade, whose face and upper body were awkwardly captured against him. A yawn caught Heero by surprise, and he smiled down at the sleeping man one more time before carefully maneuvering Jade back onto the small bed. Tucking the pillow under Jade's head, Heero pulled the sheets up and straightened the blanket.

Heero stood, but remained for a few more minutes, watching the quiet form. Jade's little snores of deep sleep sounded like a purr. Sighing, Heero returned to bed, rolled over, and was asleep immediately.

 

 

 

A creaking floorboard announced the dawn. Heero was instantly awake, listening as the anklet chimed softly in time with quick footsteps padding down the stairs. With the peculiar sense that comes from knowing a house intimately, Heero could feel Jade move quickly from room to room, and then navigate the house a second time, even faster. The study door whined on its hinges, and the footsteps came padding back up the stairs. Heero kept his eyes closed, feigning sleep, hearing the faint sound of sniffling as Jade approached the bed. It was only his soldier's sense that told him to open his eyes and bring up his hand.

The movement trapped a fist, proving Heero's instinct correct.

"Not the way to wake me up," Heero growled, and tightened his clasp around Jade's fist, poised above his chest.

"Fucker! What did you do with him?" Jade grimaced and tried to yank his fist back. "Where―"

He made a frustrated sound and brought his other fist up, which Heero easily deflected and caught.

"Thought you didn't care," Heero added, and sat up, swinging his legs over the bed without releasing Jade's hands.

"Let go of me," Jade replied hotly, trying to pull his fists back. "You sadistic fuck!"

"You think _this_ is sadistic?" Heero stood up, shoving Jade backwards but retaining his hold. He could see a flash of fear in Jade's red-rimmed eyes, but Jade quickly covered it with a taunting smile, and Heero frowned. "I might remind you that you attempted to punch _me_." Heero increased the pressure on Jade's hands, ignoring the sudden whimper. "Twice," Heero snarled.

"I woulda bit you but you'd probably enjoy it, you sick bastard!"

Jade dropped to his knees and twisted his wrists. Heero grunted, not letting go, and brought Jade's arms up and around too fast for Jade to react. Silently Heero thanked Jade's inability to use Duo's speed, ignoring Jade's yelp as he planted a foot in Jade's back and his upper body to the floor. Heero pushed up the sleeves on Jade's shirt and quickly locked the wrist restraints together. Once again he puzzled momentarily over the fact that Jade had kept wearing the restraints, but filed the thought away until later as he released Jade. Heero stepped back with his hands out, ready for any reaction.

Jade came up on his knees, and spun to glare at Heero while yanking at the restraints. "Get these off me!" His blue eyes were narrow with anger, and his shoulders were hunched as he struggled.

Heero sat back on the bed, a little heavily, and ran a hand over his brow. It struck him as odd that Jade didn't attempt to get up, but remained kneeling, even as he continued to pull at the restraints. Jade twisted around in place, as though trying to see over his shoulder.

"Stop that," Heero ordered, a bit wearily. Jade ignored him, and Heero gritted his teeth in exasperation. Reluctant to grab Jade physically again, he settled for snapping his fingers twice, hopping that would get Jade's attention. It did, but the response made Heero gape.

Jade instantly spread his knees wide, his shoulders dropping into a relaxed stance, his chest out and his belly in. He dropped his chin to his chest and held it, his entire body quivering. Heero blinked, and waited a few seconds. When Jade didn't move, Heero stood up, walking around Jade. Sighing, he sat on the edge of the bed again, and leaned over to place a forefinger under Jade's chin.

"Jade," he whispered gently, pushing upwards with his chin. "Look at me." A flash of pain crossed Jade's face, and he hesitated before raising his eyes to regard Heero. "Behave, or you'll have two hours by yourself in the barn. Stop fighting me. I am _not_ here to hurt you."

Jade's wary expression melted into confusion, and his eyes darted back and forth as he studied Heero. The moment was short-lived, and Jade scowled, crawling backwards out of Heero's reach. "Naw," he drawled. "You're here to hurt _Master_. I bet you said mean things to Master and made him go away again," Jade hissed, petulantly, then he smiled, as though he'd scored somehow. "So of course you've got to blame _me_ for it. Told you I was just the entertainment!"

Heero sighed and stood up. "You're back on the chain," he said, moving to stand behind Jade. Taking the other man by the elbows, he lifted Jade up to his feet and guided him down the stairs. "If you can't behave, that's what happens."

Grabbing the chain from the table by the door, Heero slipped on his coat and then wrapped Jade in a coat as well. Jade was sullen, but quiet, obediently slipping his feet into his boots and shuffling next to Heero along the short path to the barn. Once inside, Heero attached the chain to Jade's anklet, and connected it to the bolt in the middle of the barn floor. It was long enough to get within a few feet of the walls, the stove, and the door, but no further. Starting up the wood stove, Heero went back to the house, returning with an orange, a bagel, and a blanket. He set the blanket near Jade, who still refused to speak or look at him.

"There's your breakfast, and the stove should be good for at least an hour. I'll be back to check on you once." Heero pointed at the food before unhooking the wrist restraints. Jade's only response was to cross his arms, and Heero stood up, shaking his head in exasperation. "Eat your breakfast."

"And if I don't?" Jade didn't turn around, staring off into the darkness of the barn, lit only by the red glow from the stove.

"You'll go hungry, obviously," Heero barked, and closed the barn door behind him. Leaning against it, he shivered at the cold, and wondered how soon Trowa would return.

 

 

 

Heero set the dishes to dry on the rack, and poured himself a second cup of coffee. Glancing up at the clock, he noted Ifrit crying at the door to go out, and absently opened the door for the cat. After a second he realized snow was blowing in, and he looked down to see Ifrit nowhere around. Scowling, he shut the door and wandered into the living room, only to find Ifrit stretched out on Jade's pillow.

"Damn pest," Heero said, brushing the snowflakes out of his hair.

Setting the mug down on the table, Heero busied himself for several minutes building the fire up to a decent level. Sitting back on his haunches, he checked the clock again. Fifteen more minutes before he'd need to go stoke the wood stove in the barn. Heero sighed and sat down in the wingback chair, watching Ifrit roll over so the golden tabby's other side was exposed to the heat. Iffy's tail twitched a few times, and was still. Heero listened to the clock's pendulum tick, and the crackling fire, and stared at his cup of coffee, still sitting on the low table.

I wonder if Trowa will call before he leaves, Heero thought. He sighed and stared out the glass-paned door, watching the snow swirl on the back porch, lining the old chair with a thin blanket of new snow.

I think I broke my training, Heero contemplated. I am not an emotionless tool for killing. I am no longer only a weapon. But did I break it, or just learn to adapt it to a new life, and a new purpose?

He leaned back in the chair, his eyes trailing up past the walls to stare at the ceiling, and the way the fire's reddish light tinted the creamy butter to an orange shade. The clock hung on the wall between the glass door and the archway to the kitchen, and the bathroom door, study door, and closet door were all a golden shade of pine, matching the railings and spindles on the stairs. The floors and steps glowed, polished and waxed. Heero glared momentarily at the blue-and-white checked sofa, certain that it wasn't his style, but somehow it fit.

And besides, he reminded himself, it's quite comfortable.

Heero glanced at the clock again, and sighed, closing his eyes.

I am not one for introspection, he thought. I much prefer knowing the way things work, gathering all pertinent information, forming a conclusion, and acting on it. I always have a plan, Heero teased himself, although at the same time he had to admit, somewhat wryly, that the plan often changed at the last minute, if his instincts led him in a different direction.

He had no idea what his plan might be, now, for dealing with Jade. He sat up, resting his chin on his fist as he watched Ifrit wake up, blink at him, and begin to bathe. Self-contained, he decided; that's the word for cats. Fits Trowa, too, he thought, smiling as the cat got up and stalked into the kitchen without a glance in his direction. Heero combed his hair with his fingers and checked the clock again.

Five minutes.

Jade wants his Master to return, but he's not willing to admit it, Heero thought. Jade's protecting himself, now. He loves Trowa, and fears that he's not valued in return, so he's going to be the one to reject, first. Heero sighed and leaned forward until his head was resting in both hands. That's the theory, he told himself, but Jade's done everything he can to contradict it.

That's not the way Duo worked. Heero chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip as he considered that contrast. Duo, he knew, would stick by a person and continue to be their friend, because it was Duo's decision, and not the other person's. That's what he did to me, Heero recalled, and chuckled softly in the quiet room. Damn idiot came and got me in the hospital, then stuck with me, and even roomed with me undercover. Made me play basketball, dragged me to a few dances...

Heero grinned, suddenly, remembering the first time he'd found his roommate and fellow terrorist in the bushes outside the school dance. He'd been shocked when Duo had popped up from behind the bush, seen him, laughed, and disappeared again. An hour later Duo had returned to the room, his shirt misbuttoned and leaves in his tangled braid. It was years later that Heero discovered Duo had never done more than kiss a girl, albeit for long sessions, but at the time, his naïve mind had been in turmoil over Duo's apparent willingness to draw attention. And, Heero admitted ruefully, he'd been seething with jealousy. With the exception of Relena, no one noticed _him_ like that. And, Heero recalled, he'd been dying of curiosity, too, but he probably would've cut off his left arm sooner than admit it.

If Duo had aware of Heero's feelings - which, Heero thought ruefully, knowing Duo, he probably was - Duo never said anything. When Heero accused Duo of drawing attention, Duo only laughed and shook his head. Nothing Heero did or said could make Duo not like him, short of outright rudeness, and Heero hadn't been willing to go that far. The truth was that he'd liked Duo, even if he didn't understand him and thus often saw him as an impediment rather than an equal.

I changed my mind about that soon enough, Heero thought, smiling a little. But is that how Duo became my friend? Because he decided it, and I eventually gave up and let him? Trying to change Duo's mind, once it was made up, was about as productive as smacking a Gundam with a ping-pong paddle. The image made Heero smile, knowing it was something Duo had once said, although he'd probably made the crack about the wasted effort of getting Wufei to dance.

Maybe, Heero thought, that's what I have to do. Breaking the training would take time, but more importantly, Heero reflected, it would have to be Jade's decision to do so, if Heero's experience was any yardstick. And judging by Jade's nightmare, there was little chance that Jade was truly ready to be separated from Trowa. Jade might be _saying_ he wanted separation, but his words and actions really only indicated a deep conflict over the question. Repeating the training, with a different goal, risked shaping Jade into a Duo-like person that wasn't Duo, Heero acknowledged sadly. And even then, how can you train someone to be independent, unpredictable, and basically a cocky self-confident bastard?

Heero stood up as the clock struck nine. Pulling his coat on, he glanced around the cabin one more time, a plan forming in his mind.

Mission: be Jade's friend. Heero grinned tightly, suddenly amused by the notion. Duo spent the war, and years after it, foisting a friendship on Heero despite his protests. Yeah, to echo another of Duo's common phrases: Payback's a bitch.

 

 

 

The barn was nicely warm when Heero slid the door opening, latching it behind him. He could see Jade's huddled shape at the far end, as close to the stove as the leash would allow him. Heero sighed and knelt down to unhook the chain, reeling it in his hands he came up to Jade. The orange peels were piled neatly by the blanket, and Heero scooped them up. Tossing the peels into the woodstove, he added several more pieces of wood before shutting the door and turning to regard Jade.

"Hey, Jade," he called softly. Jade didn't acknowledge his presence, and Heero raised his eyebrows. He was considering the suggestion that they finish the barn's interior, but something in Jade's face made him pause. Cautiously he moved to sit beside Jade, facing the woodstove. "I owe you an apology," Heero said softly, not even thinking as the words spilled from his lips. "When I removed the anklet, I was very cruel. I also said a lot of things that I've decided were wrong."

Jade leaned away from Heero, twisting sideways to give Heero a suspicious look.

"It's true that we're not friends...not then, we weren't," Heero said, slowing down to pick his words more carefully. "But I think I'd like you to be my friend. Now."

"Why?" The question was whispered, with a note of hope, but when Heero glanced at Jade, the young man looked skeptical. His lips were curled, and his eyebrows raised.

"It's something someone taught me once," Heero said.

"And now I'm the lucky recipient," Jade retorted sullenly. "I feel so blessed. If this the way you treat friends, don't do me any frickin' favors."

Heero grabbed Jade's ankle and undid the chain, coiling it up and tossing it away. Jade watched, his eyes wide, before his brows came down. Reaching out with a hand, he fingered the anklet, making the bells rattle, before pushing his jeans back down. Slowly he dragged his gaze up to meet Heero's. The unspoken question in his eyes was obvious.

"I trust you. No more chain." And with that, Heero stood up, heading towards the pile of supplies along the barn wall. "Let's get to work. You can do your hour alone later, if you spackle the hammer-marks now. Do them neatly, and we might call the second hour even." He turned to see Jade staring at him, but Jade's surprised and hopeful expression quickly shifted to a recalcitrant scowl.

"Yeah, now or later, all the same to me," Jade muttered, and picked up the spackling knife.

 

 

 

Trowa called at noon, during lunch, to let Heero know he was heading back. Heero warned Trowa about the snowfall that hadn't let up since dawn, and Trowa promised to be safe. Heero said his goodbyes, and hung up.

"Trowa should be back in an hour or two," he said.

Jade made a disgusted noise and finished his lunch. "May I be excused?" Jade asked, his expression still unhappy but his voice was polite enough.

Heero nodded, and Jade dashed away from the table, grabbing his coat and taking off before Heero could manage a shout. Setting the plates back down on the table, Heero grabbed his own coat and tore out the front door, only to nearly fall over Jade, perched on the edge of the porch.

"Jade," Heero choked out, "what the hell are you doing? You'll freeze out here. Get back inside!"

"Fuck you!" Jade hunched his shoulders and stayed put.

Heero sighed, and stared over Jade's head at the drifts of snow that marked the embankment by the gravel drive. Everything was a pristine layer of deep white, and he shrugged. "Fine, you want to wait for Trowa, it'll be a long, cold wait."

"Who said I was waiting for him?" Jade leaned back to give Heero an imperious look. "I _like_ sitting on the front porch."

"Have it your way," Heero snapped, and went back inside.

Throwing his coat over the back of the sofa, he grabbed his book and settled himself by the fireplace. He was just starting a second chapter when the front door blew open in a swirl of snow. Jade's chattering teeth echoed in the room as Jade came to stand by the fire, his eyes wide and his brow furrowed.

"He's not coming," Jade whispered, looking completely lost.

"It's been fifteen minutes, and he's not due for an hour," Heero replied, looking at the clock. "Take off your coat and boots, and spread them before the fire to dry. Warm up."

Jade nodded slowly, his eyes darting to the front door a few times as he undressed, his fingers too frozen to get the buttons to work properly. Finally divested of his coat and boots, he picked Ifrit off the sofa and settled on his pillow, the cat on his lap. Another fifteen minutes passed, broken only by the clock's ticking and the crackling of the fire as logs shifted, burning down to coals. There was a crash outside, which Heero vaguely placed as a layer of snow sliding off a tree branch and hitting the ground. Jade, however, shot to his feet, grabbing his coat and shoving his feet into the boots and tearing outside in a matter of seconds.

Heero leaned his head against the back of the chair and sighed, before shaking his head and going back to reading. Gritting his teeth as the minutes passed, he forced himself to concentrate on the book, rather than on the fact that Jade was turning into a human popsicle on the front porch. The clock said quarter to one, as Jade came back into the house, sniffling a little as he wiped his eyes with the back of one cold-looking hand.

"Jade," Heero called. "Come warm up again. It's not even been an hour. With the snow in the mountains, I wouldn't expect Trowa to be back for at least another half-hour. Maybe more."

"He's changed his mind," Jade moaned softly, then jutted his jaw. "This is _your_ fault."

Jade pulled the coat off, letting it drop to a heap on the floor in front of the fire. Heero watched out of the corner of his eye as Jade settled on the edge of the pillow, hissing quietly as the snow on his boots fell off onto his fingers as he tried to get the laces undone. Finally he set the boots by the fire, along with his socks. Heero marked his place and closed his book.

"Take off your jeans, too," Heero said.

"Pervert," Jade retorted, but the insult was ruined as his teeth chattered a little.

Heero rolled his eyes as he headed to the bedroom for another blanket. Returning, he held it out in one hand, holding his other hand out as well. "Give me your wet clothes. Your jeans, and your sweater and shirt, too."

"No," Jade curled up in a ball, his knees under his chin. "You just want to see me naked."

"I've _seen_ you naked," Heero snapped. "What I don't want is to see you turning blue from hypothermia!" Aggravated, he let his voice go up to a shout. "Clothes off, NOW!"

Jade looked shocked, ducking his head quickly before raising it again to scowl at Heero. Deliberately turning his back on Heero, he wriggled in place as he pulled his jeans off and tossed them over to land on top of the coat. Pulling his sweater and shirt off, he tossed them aside as well, before curling up with his arms wrapped around his shins, only his white boxers on. He looked over his shoulder at Heero.

"Satisfied?"

Heero nodded and draped the blanket over Jade. "Take a nap, Jade," he said, as he registered the time and the certainty that he wouldn't be able to handle another hour of Jade's internal warfare over Trowa's return. Heero laid the clothes out across the hearth to dry, hanging the socks and shirt off the nails in the mantel. Meanwhile, Jade laid down, curling into a ball, with the blanket over him, as Heero settled back into his chait and picked up his book. The bundle was still for a long while before it shifted again, turning before the fireplace a few more times. Heero glanced up at the clock, and decided to give Jade fifteen more minutes. When the clock said one-fifteen, Heero closed his book and set it aside.

"Jade," he called, leaning forward.

"Go away," the bundle replied.

"You can sleep, but there's something I have to do," Heero said, dropping his voice to mimic the secretive tone he remembered Duo using on him. It was a way of speaking that implied the work in question was of utmost importance. "Just thought I'd let you know."

The blanket shifted a bit. Heero grinned to himself and stood up, calmly collecting his coat, and buttoning it up. From there, he headed into the kitchen. Opening the icebox, Heero dug around for several minutes, making a point of banging several of the drawers rather loudly, and rearranging a few of the items for good measure. When he closed the door, Jade was standing there, his hands tugging the blanket close around him as he scowled. His eyes, however, were fixed on Heero's hand as Heero deftly tucked something into his pocket. Heero kept his face straight, but he knew by Jade's lowered brows that Jade hadn't been able to get a good enough look.

"You're leaving," Jade accused. Heero turned to see Jade giving a distrust look to the coats still hanging on the back of the front door. Jade shifted his weight from one barefoot to the other, and scowled. "You're just a lot of noise, but now you're worried that Master―"

Heero simply smiled, secretly pleased to see the expression caught Jade completely by surprise. The deep blue eyes went wide, and the eyebrows shot up, before Jade narrowed his eyes, stepping back a little.

Without saying another word, Heero headed to the front door, pulling his gloves from his coat pockets. He pulled them on, ignoring Jade completely as Heero pulled the glove-ends over his coat sleeves. He could hear rustling behind him, but he didn't turn around. He'd just grabbed a hat when Jade spoke behind him.

"You're worried Master will find out how mean you were," he said, but he didn't sound quite as sure. He paused, looking at the hat in Heero's hands. "What is that for?"

"None of your business," Heero replied, almost enjoying the sensation of echoing a conversation he'd had eight years before. "You're not interested, anyway, right?" He glanced down at Jade's feet. "This task requires warm socks. And a fully-dressed body." He stepped forward, dropping the blue wool hat onto Jade's head and pulling it down until it covered Jade's eyes. "And manual dexterity and stamina. All of which I have, so I'll be off now."

Jade's lower lip jutted out, and he pushed the edge of the wool cap up until one eye was revealed. "What are you going to do?"

Heero shrugged. "Something important." He took one of the scarves from the hooks, wrapping it around his neck before he tucked the ends into his coat.

"You're just making all this up." Jade pushed his lower lip out further, narrowing his eyes. He paused, and rolled his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "You're not..."

"Up to you," Heero conceded, in the best nonchalant tone he could manage. "Don't worry about it. It'll probably be too difficult for you." He darted a glance Jade's way as he delivered his next line. "You'd probably just botch it."

"Would not!" Jade's cry was an indignant shout as he threw the blanket off, tossing it to the side. "I'll show you!" Storming over to the fireplace, he grabbed his dry socks and sat heavily on the pillow, yanking his socks on, then grabbing his shirt off the mantel. Heero pulled the door open, barely able to keep a straight face as Jade gave him a frightened look and squawked. "I'm coming! Hold on!"

Heero hid a grin and shut the front door behind him, cutting off Jade's indignant cry. Stretching on the porch, he swung his arms to warm up before stepping off the porch and heading out into the field. He'd give Jade three minutes, Heero bet himself, and wondered if, eight years ago, Duo had thought the same thing.


	21. winter seclusion

No good deeds  
But also no sins...  
Winter seclusion  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Trowa wrestled the steering wheel as the Jeep slid sideways in the deep snow, and gunned the motor again. Gritting his teeth, he shifted down and felt the wheels catch. He gave the vehicle a bit more gas, and nearly sighed in relief as it surged forward, cresting the small hill to come out of the trees and around the bend. The momentum carried him down the slight incline, and out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of three figures by the porch.

Liddie must have stopped by, he thought, too focused on plowing through the deep snow until he came to a rest by the barn. Pulling up the emergency brake, he grabbed his gloves and opened the Jeep's door, finally looking over towards the house. Trowa frowned, taking in the scene. Heero was patting snow on a snowman as tall as Trowa, while Jade was crouched by the snowman's base, studying something. Trowa raised his eyebrows, and got out, shutting the car door behind him. Heero was already walking towards him, brushing the snow off his gloves as he strode through the deep snow.

"Snowman," Trowa observed, one eyebrow raised.

Heero nodded, and didn't stop moving until he was pressed up against Trowa. Placing his hands on Trowa's shoulders, he pulled Trowa down for a kiss that immediately became something fiercer. Trowa vaguely registered the sound of another set of boots in the snow, but he ignored it, preferring to close his eyes and lose himself for a few seconds in Heero's welcoming kiss. They broke apart a minute later, and Trowa realized he was panting a little. Heero smiled tentatively, and Trowa returned the expression.

"Nice kiss," he said. "Maybe I should leave more often," he added, his lips curling up at the edges.

There was a shuffling sound, and Trowa looked up, frowning slightly as he noticed Jade a few feet away. The man's head was down, a blue wool cap on his head and a bright red scarf around his neck. He was sniffling quietly. Jade raised a hand to wipe his eyes with the back of his glove, and hiccupped.

"Jade." Heero stepped away from Trowa, and extended a hand. "Do you want to say hello? I know you've―"

"You don't know anything!" Jade spat the accusation at Heero, raising one foot and twisting his upper body as though he were about to turn and dash into the house. To Trowa's surprise, however, Jade only straightened and stomped the foot down.

Trowa's eyes narrowed, taking in the scarf around the snowman, the mittens on the branches, and the lopsided pieces of charcoal carefully stuck in the snowman's face. Jade's head was down, and he continued to shift his weight back and forth like he wasn't sure whether to leap forward or run away. Trowa tucked his hands in his jacket pockets. Moving to come alongside Jade, he stopped when they were shoulder-to-shoulder, as though studying the snowman.

"That's a carrot," Trowa announced. He gave Jade an amused look out of the corner of his eye. "There's a vegetable in the snowman's face."

Beside him, Jade giggled, quickly schooling his face into a serious expression as he wiped his nose again. "That's what you're supposed to use, Master," he said scornfully. "It's not a good snowman without one," he mumbled under his breath. "Guess you thought I'd screw it up or something."

Trowa turned to stare down at the shorter man, startled by the amount of hurt and longing in Jade's downcast face. "Jade," he said softly, as he slowly removed one glove. Lifting his hand, and making no quick movements, he took Jade by the chin, tilting Jade's face up to him. "I missed you," he whispered.

"Liar!" Jade shouted, and his hands came up, knocking Trowa's hand away. Jade lunged forward, his hands out as if to shove Trowa backwards.

Heero tensed, but Trowa held up a hand, signaling the other man to stand down. Heero froze, as he realized the same thing Trowa had: Jade was clinging to Trowa's jacket with tight fingers, and it was Jade who was shaking back and forth. Trowa put his hands up, to cover Jade's fists.

"Not a lie," Trowa replied, running his hands back and forth across Jade's hands, and then down Jade's forearms to his shoulders. Cautiously he started to pull Jade towards him, even as Jade leaned forwards and back again, his hands digging into Trowa's jacket. "Shh," Trowa whispered. "I missed both of you."

"No, you didn't," Jade choked. He stopped shaking, and hiccupped. "You like _him_ better."

"I like him..." Trowa considered his words carefully. "Differently, Jade. You're both important to me, in different ways."

"But I don't _want_ to be different!" Jade shoved Trowa backwards and spun, heading for the house. His sobs echoed in the quiet hearing, and his boots thumped on the wooden porch. He swung the door open and slammed it shut behind him.

"Trowa―" Heero started to say, but he was interrupted as the front door opened, and slammed a second time. Heero raised his eyebrows, looking towards the house, and then back at Trowa. "That was my fault."

"Your fault?" Trowa shook his head. "I don't―"

"He's been waiting," Heero replied calmly, but his fists were clenched. "Jade tried to stay up last night, and I think if I'd not tricked him into sleeping, he would've camped out in front of the door. And after you called, he did his best to take up roots on the porch, waiting. Yes, even with the snow and ice."

Trowa was stunned. "But just now, he..." Trowa sighed, and shook his head. "Let's get this stuff out of the car, and then we can figure it out. I just drove an hour and a half of mountain roads. I'd like to relax before I start dealing with the mystery that's Jade."

"Just how many books are there, anyway?"

"Ah..." Trowa grinned, abashed. "Sixty-four, according to Quatre."

"We need more shelves," Heero said.

 

 

 

It took a half-hour to bring in all the books, as well as a backseat full of additional items that Trowa and Quatre had purchased after their dinner together. There was another set of sweaters, and Trowa could only shrug when Heero gave the sweaters a bemused look.

"I told him we're not freezing to death," Trowa said, dropping the gifts on the bed.

"Quatre spent too many years in the desert," Heero observed. "I bet he bundles his daughters up when the temperature gets below seventy Fahrenheit." Heero shrugged, and moved to brush his knuckles against the back of Trowa's hand. "Anything else in those bags downstairs?"

"A few things," Trowa replied, his expression purposefully cagey. He could hear the sound of ripping paper, and he paused, then spun, tearing down the stairs at top speed. "Jade!"

Jade was perched on his pillow, a box in his hands. At Trowa's shout, the longhaired man yelped and tossed the box away, scrambling backwards to curl in a ball against the shelves. He lowered his hands long enough to shout back, as Trowa came to a stop by the sofa. "It had my name on it!" Jade made a face and promptly put his hands over his head again.

"What is―" Heero was right behind Trowa, and came around to pick up the box. He flipped it over, listening to the sound of things inside moving and clattering. "A jigsaw puzzle?"

Trowa nodded, still on the edge of yelling at Jade. Seeing Heero's irritated expression, Trowa shrugged and stepped back. "He's right; his name was on the box."

Jade made a pleased sound and uncoiled instantly. He snatched the box from Heero and scooted backwards, clutching it against his chest.

"Jade," Heero barked. He reached out, and Jade smacked his hand away.

"Mine!"

"That's no reason to be rude!"

Jade wrapped his arms tighter around the box and narrowed his eyes at Heero.

"You can keep the box," Heero said, standing up straight as he crossed his arms. "But first, you have to thank Trowa for bringing it."

Trowa watched, one eyebrow raised. Jade stared at Heero for several seconds, his expression sulky.

"Thanks, Master," Jade mumbled. Carefully he pulled the box away from his chest, studying the cover, displaying the completed jigsaw puzzle's peaceful alpine landscape. Jade ran his fingers across the surface, a thin line between his brows. His lips were pursed, and he glanced quickly at Heero before fixing his intense stare on Trowa. "You got me this?"

"No, Quatre did," Trowa said. "He's...an old friend of ours."

Jade was silent for several seconds, ducking his head to regard the box carefully. He chewed on his lower lip, then, and Trowa was stunned to see Jade's face momentarily twist up as though in pain. Then Jade's expression firmed into recalcitrance, and Trowa involuntarily tensed. A second later his instincts were proven accurate. The jigsaw box went flying across the living room to hit the wall before dropping to the floor. Heero's jaw dropped, and he turned on Jade with an angry look.

"What the hell―"

"I don't want the stupid thing!" Jade was on his feet, his fists clenched, and his face red from fury. Heero stepped forward and Jade gracefully sidestepped, coming around behind the sofa to stand between Heero and Trowa. Jade's lower lip jutted, and he glared at Trowa intently, his voice low and angry. "You _fucked_ him, didn't you!"

Trowa blinked.

"And now he's giving me gifts to make up for it," Jade spat. He shook his head, his hair flying out of the loose braid to whip around his face. "Well, you can tell him he's a bastard! I'm not gonna be bribed! Fuck him...a _nd_ you! I hate you both! You and...whatever his name is!"

Trowa opened his mouth, but no sound came out. What the hell do I do, he thought, unable to fight past the shock to react.

"That's enough!" Heero shouted, stepping forward to grab Jade by the elbow. "You are way out of line, Jade." He yanked Jade's elbow, spinning him around and shoving him towards the door. "You get a time-out. In the barn. Go."

"No," Jade cried, twisting around as he tried to get free of Heero's grip. "No," he repeated, starting to panic. "Master!"

One hand flew out, catching Trowa's arm and clinging tightly, even as Heero pulled on Jade's other arm. Trowa's first thought was to rip his arm out of Jade's hold. In that split second, though, he remembered Quatre's words, and halted before he finished the gesture. Instead, he shot Heero a quick look at the same time he reached out and pulled Jade into his arms. Jade balked, but Trowa didn't let go, moving one hand to push Jade's head down until his nose was against Trowa's neck.

"Jade," Trowa whispered, unable to hide his irritation and confusion completely. "I brought gifts for you as well. But," and his lips tightened as he pushed Jade away far enough to look him in the eyes, "I did _not_ have sex with my friend. I simply visited with him. We went shopping, had lunch and dinner, and talked. That's all."

There was silence, as Jade frowned, his deep blue eyes wide. He stared at Trowa, his brows furrowed. "I bet he _wanted_ to have sex with you."

"I doubt it," Trowa replied calmly. Inside, however, he was reeling. Why would Jade give a damn? What was Jade trying to tell him? "There's only one person―"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before," Jade said, turning to stare across the room, pointedly not meeting Trowa in the eyes. He wriggled in Trowa's arms until they were far enough apart that Jade could cross his arms. "You don't want to pay attention to anyone but him." Jade jerked his head in Heero's direction and scowled.

Trowa's lips twisted, and he glanced past Jade to see Heero glaring outright at Jade. Suddenly angry, Trowa shoved Jade backwards. "That's right, Jade," Trowa snapped. "You have a problem with that?"

"No!" Jade glowered. "I wouldn't want you to touch me anyway! You're..." Jade's face twisted up. "Ugly! Who'd want you anyway, all...fucked-up in the head and...ugly!" Jade opened his mouth again, only to find Heero's hand clamped over it.

"Barn, now," Heero announced, and pushed Jade towards the door. "Get your feet in your boots. Two hours."

"But I don't want―" Jade squeaked as Heero's hand came down over his mouth again, and he hurriedly shoved his feet in his boots. Heero grabbed their coats, and opened the door. Jade took advantage of the movement to turn, his eyes cast towards Trowa with a desperate look. "But then Master's going to leave again and he only just―"

"If he leaves, this time it's your fault," Heero retorted, and pushed Jade out the door, shutting it firmly behind them.

Trowa was left alone in the living room. Blindly he stared at the front door for several seconds, listening to the crunching sound of the men's footsteps in the deep snow. Slowly he came back to himself, long enough to look around the living room again. In a daze, he walked over and picked up the jigsaw puzzle, turning it over in his hands before setting it on the low table. Trowa remained there, for a minute, then absently poked at the fire, placing another log on the grate. He hung the poker by the fire, and straightened back up, seeing the two gifts he'd selected for Jade still sitting by the wingback chair.

I wonder why he opened Quatre's gift first, Trowa thought, but couldn't come up with a reason. None of it made any sense. Exhausted suddenly, he pulled his sweater off and dropped it over the back of the sofa before striding into the bathroom. He leaned over the tub, watching as hot water pooled in the bottom.

Maybe a bath, and dinner, and eventually something will make sense. Dully, he registered that it probably wouldn't, but he saw no point in considering it further.

 

 

 

Trowa lay back in the tub, his knees just cresting the surface of the water. He closed his eyes, letting the hot water work its magic on his muscles, tense from the stressful driving and tightened into iron cords by the welcome home from Jade.

Or lack thereof, Trowa thought, and sighed. He could hear a tread in the living room, and recognized Heero's footsteps. When the bathroom door opened, he didn't move, but sank down a little farther in the water. The footsteps came closer, and Trowa opened his eyes to see Heero's face, upside-down, peering at him. Trowa sat up, pushing his hair back with his hand as he registered Heero already had his shirt off and was pulling off his jeans as well.

"Heero," Trowa said wearily, "I'm not up for any more surprises."

"Not a surprise," Heero said, nudging Trowa forward and slipping into the water behind him. Heero was silent, reaching over for the washcloth and wetting it thoroughly before he began to scrub at Trowa's shoulders and back. "It's hardly a surprise if you know exactly what I'm about to do."

Trowa mumbled something inaudible and rested his elbows on his bent knees. Slowly his eyes closed under Heero's patient ministrations, and he rested his head on his forearms as Heero scrubbed down his back, under the water, and up his sides. Eventually Heero wrung out the cloth, draping it over the side of the tub, and pulled Trowa backwards into his embrace. Trowa sighed and leaned his head back, enjoying the feel of his lover's body against his, and the gentle strength in Heero's arms as he held Trowa closely. Heero's hand dripped as he reached up to smooth Trowa's hair out of his face, and Heero turned a little to press his lips against Trowa's temple.

"Not the homecoming I expected," Trowa murmured. He splashed idly at the water.

Heero grunted. "Agreed. He had finally calmed down, only a half-hour or so before you arrived."

"Has he been like this the whole time?" He couldn't hide the incredulity.

"Yes, and no." Heero sighed. "The first hour or two after you left...Jade was pretty pissed-off, and upset. He calmed down, and we were fine until it was time for bed. And then..." He shrugged, a rolling movement that made the water slosh. "He had a nightmare last night, and I...I pretended to be you. He begged me...you...not to leave him."

Trowa was quiet.

Heero told him about the morning's events, and Jade's behavior leading up to making the snowman. Trowa remained silent, his eyes fixed on a patch of tile above the tub's faucet. Several minutes passed, and Heero shifted.

"Tro...I think Jade's just emotionally wiped out," Heero whispered. "It's like he has no balance."

"Quatre told me about his daughters," Trowa said abruptly. "He said it sounded like Jade is being a two-year old. So I went back to the bookstore and picked up some books about dealing with toddlers." He could feel Heero's muscles tense, as his lover processed the words. Trowa sighed. "And just so we're clear, I didn't have sex with Quatre."

"The idea didn't even occur to me." Heero's rumbling voice sounded amused.

Trowa shrugged, and splashed at the surface of the water a few more times, idly watching the droplets cling to the tub's lip. "I don't know what to do," he finally said.

"First, you need to help me get it through Jade's head that you're not his master anymore," Heero said quietly. "I don't know if he'll play along, but I think we should try. It'll take the heat off you, at least."

"But put it on your shoulders―"

"I can handle it," Heero replied. "It's my turn."

He shifted, and Trowa sat up, giving Heero room to move. The water was cooling, and Trowa shivered as the air hit his damp flesh. Behind him, Heero stood, getting out of the tub and grabbing a towel from the rack. He handed one to Trowa, and grabbed another for himself. Before Trowa could step out of the water, Heero had pulled Trowa's face down for a long kiss. When they broke apart, Heero had a sly look.

"We've got about an hour," he said, his smile growing wicked. "Want some undivided attention?"

Trowa raised an eyebrow, and stepped from the tub. Returning the smile, he tugged at Heero's towel, pulling it out of the way so he could press himself against his lover's body. "We haven't done it in the bathroom in a while," he suggested, bending down to take Heero's earlobe in his teeth, nibbling lightly. He was rewarded with a soft moan, and he smiled as he ran his tongue up the outside of Heero's ear. "That a yes?"

"That's a 'move your ass'," Heero growled. "One set of bruised knees from tile floors is enough for my lifetime."

 

 

 

Trowa collapsed back on the bed. He decided absently that he could care less if his sated expression made him look like an idiot. Heero, next to him, rolled over on his side and propped himself up on his elbow, mouth curled up at the edges.

"I need more undivided attention," Trowa declared.

"Yeah, well," Heero said, craning his neck to see the little clock on the bedside table. "I think Jade's time out should be over shortly. I'll go get him, and we can figure out what to do for dinner."

"Right." Trowa closed his eyes, unable to stop the reluctant grimace from showing. "Any way to refuse to let him come back if he's going to insist on being difficult?"

"He doesn't know what he wants," Heero replied, laying one hand on Trowa's chest, over his heart. "And what he does want, he can't admit."

"He wants to make me miserable," Trowa hissed. Sitting up, he swung around until his back was to Heero, his feet planted on the loft's wooden floor. "I don't want to leave, but I have to tell you..." His voice dropped to a hesitant whisper. "Maybe it'd be better...for Jade...if I weren't around. From what you've said, it sounds like you'd―"

"You're wrong," Heero interrupted, but his voice was calm. "Jade freaked when I put him in the barn. He was terrified that you'd leave again, and not come back. He ended up begging me on his knees to make you promise not to go away again."

Trowa twisted to look down at Heero. "He said he hated me. And...oh, fuck it." He shook his head. "I could handle one. I could handle the other. I just wish he'd make up his mind." Unwillingly, Quatre's words came back to haunt him again, and he groaned, leaning forward to cover his face with his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees.

"Trowa?" Heero moved on the bed until he was sitting next to Trowa. The heat of their bodies, side-by-side, was a minor warmth in the loft's chilly air. "Jade won't be able to make up his mind, for awhile. I don't know how I know that, but I just...think it's going to take some time."

"Not that," Trowa said, dropping his hands. He let his head hang down, and closed his eyes against Heero's puzzled expression. "Quatre said he thinks Jade loves me, but is scared―"

"―That you'll reject him, so he'll reject you first," Heero finished. When Trowa looked up, surprised, Heero shrugged. "I had a lot of time to study him, over the past twenty-four hours," he said.

Trowa chuckled softly. "So, we both ended up with the same conclusion. You figured it out, and I needed Quatre to tell me." He reached for his jeans on the bedpost and began pulling then on. Standing up, he buttoned them up and grabbed his shirt. "Jade doesn't want to be touched, yet the idea of me touching anyone else seems to make him furious."

"Don't touch him," Heero replied. He stood up as well, oblivious to his nudity as he studied Trowa with cool eyes. "I'll be the one to deal with him. If Jade's going to be indecisive, then..." He frowned, and his voice trailed off as he gave Trowa an unexpectedly vulnerable, despairing look. "I don't know how to explain it."

Trowa smiled, understanding perfectly. He gave Heero a quick kiss. "I'll start dinner," he said. "You get Jade."

 

 

 

Trowa had a headache by the time dinner was over, mostly from trying to keep his expression impassive while watching Jade hover. He frowned, shaking his head at Heero's offer of help to wash the dishes, and stared down into the soapy water. Hovered, he decided, was the only word that fit. It was as though Jade would take a step towards him, lean in his direction, and then pull back the instant Trowa moved or even looked in Jade's direction. The entire time he'd cooked dinner, Jade had remained in the kitchen, nearby but not too close, and Trowa had been ready to break several pieces of crockery if he'd thought it would get those big blue eyes to look at something else for at least a five-minute break.

He sighed and rinsed the last of the plates, setting them neatly in the rack. Heero and Jade were in the living room, and Heero was tuning the guitar. Trowa had already set Jade's gifts on the top shelf, with no explanation, but he'd made certain to do it while Jade was watching. Both wrapped presents had Jade's name on them, with Trowa's name beneath. Some part of Trowa's brain was mildly curious to see whether Jade would ask for the gifts, or forget them completely.

Wiping his hands on a dishrag, Trowa straightened up the last of the kitchen and made his way into the living room. Picking up one of his new books, he settled down to read, his legs stretched out on the sofa. Jade was curled up on his pillow, staring into the fire, and Heero ran through a series of chords before beginning an old European ballad. It was one of Trowa's favorites, and was soon followed by another. The music became a gentle background element to the story in Trowa's hands, and the evening passed in relative peace.

 

 

 

"Master?"

Trowa blinked, and rubbed his eyes wearily. He pulled the blanket higher over his shoulder and squinted at the shape by the bed. Slowly his eyes adjusted, until he could see Jade, eyes large in his pale face.

"Jade, go back to bed," Trowa ordered, his voice thick with sleep.

"I'm cold, Master," Jade whispered. One hand crept up to tug at the blanket. "Please?"

"You have three blankets on your bed," Trowa replied crossly. Jade didn't say anything, and Trowa sighed, closing his eyes and drifting back into sleep. He was awakened by another insistent tug on the blanket.

"Master..."

"What now?"

The growl made Jade flinch, but he took a breath and came up on his knees to peer down at Trowa. "It's dark," he whined softly.

"That's how it works. It's night time." Trowa pulled the blanket up tighter and shifted his legs until he was pressed up against Heero, behind him. "Go back to bed. Go _on_ ," he repeated, when he realized Jade hadn't moved.

"I want to sleep with you, Master," Jade said. He tugged at the blanket again. "Please? I was good after dinner...I won't make you angry with me and I'll be quiet, and please, can I?"

"I thought you preferred your own bed," Trowa replied, grumpily.

"But I have bad dreams." The tug came on the blanket again, but weaker. Jade sank back down, until his face was visible only from his eyes up, over the edge of the bed. "Master, make them go away."

That's what you want to do to me, in the daytime, Trowa thought. He sighed and closed his eyes. "Make them go away on your own, Jade," he replied. "You're pretty good at making everything else go away, too. And stop calling me Master. I'm not your Master anymore."

There was a hissed intake of breath, and Trowa opened one eye, didn't see Jade, and opened both eyes, lifting his head. Jade was curled up on the wooden floor by the bed, completely naked, his skin glowing in the moonlight. His hands were clasped behind the small of his back, and his shoulders were shaking. Trowa sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Twisting in the bed, he prodded Heero until the other man grunted.

"Heero," Trowa whispered urgently. "You need to put Jade back into bed."

"I need to do what?" Heero frowned, opening his eyes to give Trowa a baffled look. "Not funny, Barton. I'm sleeping."

"He's out of bed. You're his master; you deal with it."

"He's what?" Heero sat up, shooting Trowa a glare, and shook his head as he threw back the covers. Padding around the bed, he knelt down by Jade, lifting the crying man up with a surprisingly gentle touch. "Come on, Jade, get up," he ordered.

Trowa pulled the blankets over his head and tried to ignore the way his heart wrenched, listening to Heero quietly guide Jade back to bed.


	22. the camphor tree

The drizzling winter rain  
Quietly soaks   
The roots of the camphor tree  
_―_ Basho Matsuo

 

 

 

Heero put the hammer under his arm and bumped the shelf end up with a grunt.

"Not so much," Trowa instructed, staring intently at the level. "Bring it down quarter-inch."

Another bump. "How's that?"

"Perfect." Trowa held the shelf steady as Heero nailed the cross brace, then stepped away, staring at their progress along the wall of the barn. "That should be a good stopping point." He grabbed his coat and pulled it on, buttoning it up as he stared out one of the barn's small windows. "You think of anything you need?"

"Shampoo," Heero answered automatically. "I put it on the list."

He put the hammer and nails away. His stretch was interrupted by a quick kiss from Trowa. A chilly draught came in when Trowa left the barn, and Heero sighed. Shoving his arms into his own coat, he made his way back to the house while Trowa backed the Jeep up and turned around, heading down the drive towards the main road.

A week had passed, since the night Trowa turned Jade away. Heero glanced up at the cloudless sky, squinting against the severe blue of the high mountain air. The next morning had been a constant argument, prompted by Jade burning the breakfast and putting pepper in Trowa's coffee. Heero was adamant that Trowa needed to apologize, but Trowa refused to budge. Heero thought back to their low-pitched disagreement, begun once Jade was banished to the barn for a time-out.

It was not an argument, as those things go, Heero thought, watching two crows wheel against the bright sky. His arguments with Duo, over the years, had ranged from quiet disagreements to outright shouting matches. When Trowa came to a decision, however, no amount of noise or silence would change it. Trowa had determined, somehow, at some point, that this new Jade was not the one for whom he'd been Master. And therefore, Heero pondered, Trowa had no compulsion about denying his Mastership. In fact, he'd pointed out quite amiably, Heero had insisted.

"I know I did," Heero recalled telling Trowa. "But I thought you'd back me on it during the day, when we could talk about it."

Trowa had simply shrugged and turned his head away, unwilling to continue beating the same paths. Eventually Heero had given in, recognizing the same obstinacy that Maxwell had always displayed. And strangely, Jade seemed to recognize innately that the situation had changed. He still watched Trowa like a hawk, but his barbs were less fierce, and his catcalls held less fervor. Trowa, in return, seemed unruffled by Jade's behavior, as though finally separating himself from Jade were the step he needed to love Jade, without being hurt by Jade's hostile response.

He just does it from a distance, now, Heero told himself. He wasn't sure whether it was an improvement.

Over the day or two after that, they'd settled into a new routine: an hour of all three at breakfast, then four hours of Heero and Trowa together. The three shared lunch, and then Heero spent the afternoon with Jade. Dinner was all three, and the hour after dinner was for Heero, alone, in the study on the computer. He'd realized after two days that he required it. After the second time he'd had to send Jade to the barn to keep Jade from shadowing Trowa, the hour in the barn after dinner became part of the routine. Heero didn't like it, but he was beginning to understand just how difficult it was to walk the tightrope between Trowa's needs, and Jade's.

And I'm not even the acrobat, he thought, kicking a clump of icy snow.

He smiled at the forlorn snowman, a frosty beard glittering on its rumpled wool hat. The carrot had shriveled in the last snowstorm, but Jade had pitched a fit when Heero suggested dismantling the snowman. Heero shook his head and pulled the front door open. Jade was napping on his pillow, and sat up with a large yawn as the door opened. Ifrit was asleep across the sofa, but raised his head to blink at Heero before getting up, turning around, and curling back into a golden ball.

"Master?" Jade's eyes darted past Heero, and Jade's shoulders slumped. "Other Master's left," he murmured. He'd been furious when Heero had decided to help Trowa finish the shelves, taking a half-hour away from Jade's one-on-one time with Heero.

Heero fought the urge to roll his eyes. Now he was Master, yet Trowa wasn't Trowa, but Other Master. Heero sometimes considered strangling Jade for his refusal to use proper names, but Jade flatly refused, for some reason he wouldn't quite explain.

"Did you want to work on the puzzle some more?" Heero kicked off his boots and sat on the sofa, pulling the low table towards him as he studied the piles of cardboard pieces, scattered around the few sections they'd pieced together.

Jade shrugged and crawled over to the table, pulling his pillow with him. Seated cross-legged at the table's end, he pulled the box out from under the table and began sorting through the pieces, one at a time. Heero scooped the sky pieces towards his end, and began laying them out against the top edge of the puzzle.

Five thousand pieces, all identical shapes, and they'd not made a great deal of progress, he thought. Then again, they'd not worked that hard. He was mildly amused to think that if it were Maxwell sharing the puzzle with him, Maxwell would have stayed up all night to complete the puzzle, just to one-up Heero. The idea made him smile.

"What's funny?" Jade's voice was suspicious, but tinged with sadness.

"Just thinking about..." Heero shrugged. "Someone I knew. We were really competitive," he said, and took a deep breath. He'd been working hard to talk to Jade, about everything and nothing, in the same casual way that Duo had always spoken to him. "My friend would've given years off his life if he thought it would get his half of the puzzle done before I'd finished my half."

Jade considered that for a second. "What would you give years for?" He pulled out a piece and stared at it for a second, before placing it in Heero's pile. "Sky, I think."

"Thanks." Heero turned the new addition over in his fingers, considering Jade's question. "I'd give years...to have my friend back."

"You probably treated him really badly," Jade announced. His eyes were sharp as he glanced at Heero.

"Sometimes," came the indifferent response. Heero had grown accustomed to Jade's random barbs. Shrugging and continuing as though there was no malicious intent, he'd found, was the only way to deal with it. Jade would drop the topic for a bit, even if he'd eventually come back around to it again, still testing. "We had our moments. Which is the mountain pile?"

"That one," Jade said, pointing. Heero dropped the sky-mountain puzzle piece in the correct pile. "Master..." His tone was hesitant, and he chewed on his lower lip for a second. "Why does Other Master have to keep leaving?"

"Because of you," Heero answered, curtly. "You're rude to him."

"I learned from the best," Jade shot back.

"I think this is a flower piece." Heero dropped a puzzle piece in the lower part of the puzzle. He sighed internally, and waited to see if Jade would go back to focusing on the puzzle, or if the conversation would escalate. In six days, only two afternoons had been free of accusations and hostile comments. He snapped another two pieces of sky into the border and sat back to review the blue pieces laid out in front of him. Jade still hadn't replied, and Heero decided to try another attempt, in case Jade was still sorting through his repertoire of insults. "What do you think about lemon chicken for dinner?"

"We don't have any lemon," Jade replied quickly. "We have garam marsala, though."

"Curry chicken, then."

"I like curry."

Heero frowned at Jade, whose head was down, fingers moving constantly as he flipped over pieces, studying the colors before sorting them into the piles. "Do you remember...having curry...before you came here?" He kept his voice low, but couldn't disguise the note of hope.

"Before?" Jade raised his head, closing his eyes. His brows were furrowed, and Heero watched as Jade's eyes moved under his lids, as though seeking something in the darkness. The eyes opened, revealing bewildered deep blue depths. "Trainer taught me to make it."

There it was again, another rare mention of the Trainer. Explanations had been elusive, and Heero had refrained from pushing Jade. Watching Jade's confused expression, Heero decided to risk it. "Trainer taught you a lot of things."

Jade nodded, a pleased smile flashing across his face. "Trainer was..." He stopped, and then shook his head. "Sky," he said, dropping a piece in the midst of Heero's spread. "I don't want to talk about Trainer."

"Do you...miss Trainer?"

"I..." Jade shrugged, one shoulder raised and dropped. "Sometimes I get mad at Trainer," he whispered.

Heero raised his eyebrows, and waited.

"Trainer said there was someone waiting for me who really wanted me," Jade explained softly. "But there wasn't. Trainer never lied, but..."

"Trowa and I really wanted you..." Heero almost added, 'to come back to us,' but caught himself in time. He opened his mouth to say more, but stopped, seeing Jade shake his head furiously.

"Liar," Jade mumbled, but weakly. He shot a glance at Heero, and ducked his head. Jade chewed his lower lip, pushing around a few of the pieces in the mountain pile, idly trying to fit some together. "Other Master doesn't want me."

Heero couldn't think of what to say. A log snapped in the fireplace, sparks flying up the flue, and Heero picked up another blue piece, feeling the edge with his fingertip.

"Trainer said my Master would..." Jade snapped two pieces together, and pushed them with one finger through the pieces until the section was against the solid border. "I think Other Master doesn't like me."

"Ah..." It took a second for Heero to register that Jade had switched topics again, and he thought about what to say. Vaguely he recalled the times Duo had spent with him, willing to be silent however long it took Heero to respond to a question or a leading statement. He smiled to himself, certain there had been times Duo was ready to explode from the effort. He also knew there had been times he'd purposefully held onto his response longer, a subtle way of teasing his over-talkative friend. Jade still hadn't continued, and Heero decided to try for a gentle prompt. "The past week or so, you've..."

"Not what I meant!" Jade scowled, and banged his fist on the table. His eyes went wide, and he shrank backwards, his shoulders hunched. When Heero didn't react, Jade slowly relaxed, but his brow remained furrowed. "He's not liked me from the beginning. I _know_ ," he insisted. "I heard you talking. I'm not deaf. And I'm not stupid, either." His eyes narrowed, and he flicked a puzzle piece with his finger, watching it bounce across the table.

Heero caught the piece before it fell off the edge of the table. Calmly, he glanced down, identified it as a sky piece, and dropped it in with the rest.

"No one ever said you were stupid, Jade."

"No, _you're_ the stupid one," Jade retorted hotly. "Thinking I don't notice. Thinking I couldn't tell..." His eyes filled with tears, and he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand in a furious gesture. "He's mean. He doesn't...Trainer said..." Jade's mouth clapped shut so hard his teeth knocked together.

Heero dropped the piece he was holding, and edged off the sofa to sit on the rug. Their heads were now level, and he wondered if that would help. "Do you...like Trowa?" Heero made a point of keeping his eyes fixed on the incomplete puzzle.

"I knew you were stupid," Jade taunted, but his voice quickly dropped to a forlorn whisper. "Anyone would half a brain could tell..." He sighed, and shook his head. Several more pieces were dropped on the table. Heero glanced at them but purposefully kept his gaze off Jade. "When I woke up," Jade said, so softly Heero almost couldn't hear him, "he was..."

The room was silent for several long minutes, and Heero realized he was holding his breath. The log in the fireplace cracked, one end falling down into the coals, but Jade still hadn't moved or spoken. It dawned on him that Jade was speaking of when he'd woken up, back in Sanq, in a traveling crate in a small room with one window.

"He's so handsome," Jade whispered, barely above a breath. "Trainer said I was going to be with someone who wanted me, but Trainer never said anything about what he looked like. I had no idea, no warning...if I'd known, I would've worked twice..." He sighed. "And then when he told me I could come out, I know I wasn't supposed to look...but I had to," Jade added. His voice cracked, and he dropped his head, starting down into the box of puzzle pieces. "I wanted to see his eyes, so bad...He had this smile on his face, like he was really sad, but trying to smile, and I thought..." He fell silent, his gaze turned inwards.

"You thought..." Heero prompted quietly.

"I wondered what I'd done wrong, already," came the hesitant reply. "And I wanted to make him really smile...I knew when he did, he'd be...oh, if he'd just said I could only sit in the corner and never touch him, I'd be happy. He's...he's...when I heard him laugh, and..." Jade shrugged, his distant look shifting quickly to a scowl. "I could never make him smile like that. He never laughed like that with _me_."

"Yes, he has." A snap, as another piece fell into place. "Like when we hiked up the river, and you both chased fish."

Jade nodded enthusiastically, distracted momentarily. "He did, didn't he! Trainer said I could make Master happy, that I would...but..." He shrugged, and then frowned, as though something had just occurred to him. "Do you...do _you_ like me?"

Heero was startled, and raised his head to look Jade in the eyes as he considered his response carefully. "Sometimes," he said, guarded. "When you want to be, you're very likeable."

"Oh." Jade seemed to mull over that for a moment.

"If you're asking whether I consider you a friend..." Heero took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "The answer's yes."

Jade narrowed his eyes, measuring Heero. "All the time?"

"Friends can argue and still be friends."

"How do you know?"

"I learned from the best," Heero replied evenly. Something Jade had said popped back into his head, and he frowned slightly, his eyebrows raised. "Jade...did Trainer know, ahead of time, who your Master would be?"

"Of course," Jade snorted. "The _others_ said there were auctions, but I had a Master." He gave Heero a baffled look. "But when I made Seafood Newberg, Master didn't like it," he said. "Trainer said Master..." Jade scowled. "Everyone lies to me. Fucking bastards. All of you."

"Everyone? When have _we_ lied?"

"Lots of times." Jade hunched his shoulders and didn't meet Heero's eyes. "We haven't gone to a single party."

Heero blinked. "A party?"

"Yeah, and I know how to be good at parties. But you don't take me out 'cept on Fridays and you don't show me off," Jade accused. "You're just into mind-fucks and games and hiding me away like you're ashamed of me. Assholes," he hissed.

"We're not ashamed of you," Heero answered slowly, the words long and low in his mouth as he struggled to work past the confusion from Jade's comments. "We don't go to parties very much." He cocked his head at Jade. "We're not really the party-going types."

"See!" Jade threw another handful of puzzle pieces down on the table. "You don't do anything like you're supposed to. Fuckers."

Heero's voice turned cold. "Would you rather be beaten, and kept naked all the time?"

"Don't forget tied up, you sadistic creep," Jade snarled, backing away. "Bet you'd get off on it, too." Hurt flashed across his face and he ducked his head, the muscles in his neck standing out in tense relief.

"You were told that's what your Master would do," Heero guessed. He put his hands down on the floor, shifting his weight to move farther down the table's length, closer to Jade. "You were trained to expect a Master who had a full social calendar." He moved a little closer, holding his breath as he waited for Jade's reaction. "And would be stern...and hurt you if you misbehaved."

"Better'n mind games," Jade snapped. His hands were white-knuckled around the box.

Heero shifted again until he was only an arm's length from Jade. "What do you want, Jade, if you could have anything, what would it be..." Heero murmured.

"A Master who loves an' cherishes me, an' keeps me safe," Jade answered automatically, the words tumbling over each other in his rush. He shook his head so hard the box was shaken as well, and several pieces flew out. "Bullshit like that, you can keep!"

Heero reached over, cautiously prying Jade's fingers from around the box. Jade didn't seem to notice.

"Cause I don't want anything to do with you or―" Jade froze as Heero's arm slid around his shoulders.

"Someone to love and cherish you," Heero murmured, sliding a little closer. He could feel Jade shivering under his touch, and he moved again until they were hip-to-hip and put his other arm around Jade, as well. He smoothed down Jade's hair, his fingers trailing along the tangled braid. "These are good things, Jade. It's okay to want them..."

"What's the point? Nothing is like it was supposed to be, and I don't want any of this but I do and I don't know which is right and you weren't supposed to be here and it was only supposed to be Master and he's not like I expected but nothing makes sense and when he smiles it's not because he's looking at me and I can't do anything right but when I do things wrong it's never―"

"Hush, Jade," Heero said, twisting to bring Jade's head down against his shoulder. The flurry of words was muffled against Heero's sweater, and he continued to murmur reassuring sounds as he held Jade close. "Everyone makes mistakes," he whispered, burying his smile in Jade's hair. Even me, he added silently.

Jade mumbled something, then raised his head to look Heero in the eye. "Was it all mistakes?"

Heero raised his eyebrows. "Were what all mistakes?"

"Those times..." Jade ducked his head, and rubbed his forehead against Heero's cheek. "When Other Master let me touch him...it made him angry and upset. He thought it was a mistake. But you touched me..." Jade's hand came up to entwine in the neck of Heero's sweater. "Why didn't..." He sighed, and nuzzled his nose against Heero's neck, his lips nipping softly at the skin. "...ever...when I..."

The words faded as Jade ran his tongue lightly up Heero's neck, to kiss along Heero's jawbone. Heero shuddered, frozen to the spot as he tried to figure out what to do. If he pulled away, he'd be rejecting Jade. If he remained, he'd be betraying Trowa. Caught between the two options, Heero struggled to figure out the consequences of each at rapid pace, comparing and tossing reactions as quickly as Jade's teeth nipped at his jaw. Jade whispered something inaudible, his tongue running up to Heero's ear.

"Play, Master," Jade coaxed.

"Play?" Heero wondered absently if his voice sounded as strangled to Jade as it did to him.

"Yes..." Jade nibbled on Heero's ear, and his fingers began tracing invisible lines up Heero's neck as Jade leaned into Heero. "Play with me, play with me..."

"Jade..." His tone was a flat warning, even as he shuddered from the sensation of Jade's delicate tongue slipping into his ear. "I don't..."

"Whatever you want...to me, with me...let me..." Jade shifted, pressing himself closer as his hand trailed down Heero's sweater to scratch lightly at the inside of Heero's thigh. "Master..."

Heero swallowed, and bit his lip as he cautiously began to disengage from Jade. "I don't think..." He frowned, trying to think of what to say. "Jade, if you're asking what I―"

"Admit you want it," Jade replied. The cajoling whisper was gone, replaced by a harsh taunting note. His hand moved from Heero's thigh, to cup the bulge at Heero's groin, and he pressed down just enough to make Heero gasp. "You do, you want it, and you just won't admit it. Wanna bet that's a mistake, too? You're just dying to have me show you just how much―"

"Enough!" Heero shot up, knocking Jade off him. He glared down at Jade, who smiled lazily and shrugged, leaning back on his hands. "Damn it, Jade, this―" He halted, gaping as Jade began to laugh.

"You should see your face!" Jade grinned, and came to his feet in a graceful move, his expression smug. "You wanted it. That's why you're Master now, isn't it? Because Other Master can't stand touching me, and you can't _wait_ to get some."

Heero reacted without thinking, his fist flying out instinctively.

Jade hit the shelves, and crumpled, one hand on his face. He chuckled softly, gasping as he clambered unsteadily to his feet. His fingers probed at his cheek. His face was creased as though he was in pain, or on the verge of tears. A heartbeat passed, and Jade's cocky smile was back in place, but his brows were furrowed.

"Yeah, see, knew you're just that kind of bastard," he announced, but there wasn't much conviction in his tone. Jade laughed again, but it sounded choked, and he was clearly struggling. Then he swallowed hard, wincing as he touched his fingers to his cheek. "Wanna go another round? Only this time, don't make me hafta pretend to wanna touch you. We can just skip the pointless foreplay and get right to where you fuck me up."

"Jade," Heero snarled. He didn't move, but Jade flinched.

"Go _on!_ " Jade's scream seemed to surprise Jade almost as much as Heero. Jade was shaking, his hands in fists at his side. "Do it! Just do it and get it over with! _Please!_ "

Heero blinked, and something inside him stepped away from Jade's angry posture to take a second look. Jade's blue eyes were wide, and his face was contorted in fear and panic, not hatred or anger. Heero frowned, flexing his fist, and kicked sideways. His foot caught the low table and shoved it across the room. The table slammed against the wall, puzzle pieces flying. Jade shrank backwards, but his expression never changed, his lips pulling back to bare his teeth.

"Hit me."

Jade's eyes went impossibly wide, and he gaped at Heero. "Do _what?_ "

"You heard me. Take a swing."

"You're crazy." Jade started to shake, backing away as his hands came up in front of him. The smile was gone, replaced by a look of abject fear. "You're Master...I can't hit you."

"Do it." Heero took a step closer, his voice perfectly calm.

"No," Jade moaned, twisting as his gaze darted around, seeking the fastest escape. Heero stepped to the side, blocking Jade's movement, and Jade cringed. "No, Master, I can't―"

"Hit me," Heero barked. "Now! One punch! Come on!"

Jade screwed up his face and turned his head away. At the same instant, his right fist came flying out, catching Heero right across the jaw. Heero's head snapped back from the force, and he grunted, memory flashing back to a moment ten years before. Almost grinning, he put up a hand to massage his jaw, sighing as Jade promptly dropped into a crouch at his feet.

"Master," Jade moaned, and covered his head with his hands.

Heero shook his head, and leaned over. "Come on, Jade, let's get some ice on your cheek." When Jade didn't move, Heero rolled his eyes, exasperated suddenly, and amused at the unexpected reaction. "Move it, Jade." Bodily he lifted Jade, until Jade stopped cowering and got his feet under him. "Kitchen," Heero ordered.

Jade nodded, ducking away from Heero's touch and scurrying ahead into the kitchen. There was the faint sound of bells from the remaining anklet, and Heero entered the kitchen to see Jade crouched by the fireplace, his hands over his head. Heero ignored the reaction, opening the freezer to retrieve several pieces of ice, and wrapping them in a towel.

"Sit down," Heero said, and set the towel on the table. "Put that on your cheek." He turned, ignoring Jade's tentative shuffle towards the table as Heero made a second bundle of ice and sat down opposite Jade, setting the towel against his jaw with a wince. Even in the midst of panic, Jade could pack a powerful punch. Heero found small comfort, somehow, in knowing that ten years and a bit more weight and height had given Maxwell's body the ability to make even Heero think twice about taking on those fists.

The front door creaked, and Jade flinched, shrinking down in the chair. Heero looked up to see Trowa standing in the kitchen doorway, a plastic tub in one hand, and several bags in the other hand. Trowa stared at Heero for a second, then at Jade, his eyebrows raised. Heero scowled, at the same instant Jade glowered, and Trowa startled them both with one simple action.

He threw back his head and laughed.

Heero made a face and situated the towel-wrapped ice against his jawbone. "What?"

Trowa's warm laugh softened into chuckles and he shook his head as he set the bags on the countertop. "You two," he said, rattling the drawers as he pulled out a knife. "Sometimes I'm amazed the house is still standing every time I come home."

Jade ducked his head, glaring at Trowa from under his eyelashes, but his expression seemed more like he was confused, and not angry. Heero noted the subtle difference, turning to see Trowa setting down a plate in front of him. "What's this?"

"Pie." Trowa set another plate and fork down in front of Jade, then brought a plate for himself. "Got it from a bakery in town that Liddie recommended." He glanced at Heero, and nodded. "It's apple, not peach."

"Ah." Heero took a cautious bite, rolled the flavors in his mouth, and gave Trowa a small smile as he took a bigger piece. He nearly choked on his fork with Trowa's next words.

"So, Jade, he insisted on shot-for-shot again, didn't he." Trowa's voice was conversational, the question phrased as a statement, not a question.

Jade's eyes went wide, and he glanced at Heero, worried. Then Jade blinked, frowning slightly as he licked his fingers. "Again?"

"It's a regular habit with Heero," Trowa replied. He leaned his elbows on the table, continuing to eat his slice of pie as casually as though he were discussing the weather. "I suppose we haven't told you the story," Trowa added with a smirk to Heero.

"Barton," Heero growled. He frowned when Trowa ignored him.

"Back about eight years ago," Trowa began, "there were some people who wanted to take over the Earth, become the ruling power."

Jade nodded, listening intently as he broke off another piece of pie with his fingers.

"One of the first things they did was kidnap a friend of ours," Trowa said, glossing right past the stickier details, Heero noticed. Trowa's eyebrow twitched as he glanced at Heero before returning his attention to Jade. "Heero had to go off and rescue her, and naturally his best friend was part of the effort."

"Can't believe he had a best friend," Jade scoffed.

"Same thing I always said," Trowa replied in an amiable tone.

Heero looked up to see Jade giving Trowa a disbelieving look. He wondered if Jade was surprised Trowa had agreed, or if there was something else triggering Jade's response.

"Maxwell and Yuy got to the control room when I was almost finished undoing the process for destroying the colony," Trowa continued. "But the opposing forces were hot on their tails, and only one of them would be able to get out. We needed surprise. So Heero let Maxwell punch him, and punched Maxwell in return."

"In the stomach."

Heero's eyes went wide, and he stared at Jade. Jade's head was down, and he was playing with a piece of apple.

"Jade," Trowa whispered. "How do you know that?"

"Seems reasonable," Jade said, lifting his head to give Trowa a bored look. "He did it before, and everything went black. What I don't get is why he'd knock out his best friend." He scowled. "And why you think it's funny."

"Because it's just so typical," Trowa said. "Yuy has a plan, and Maxwell would walk right into it, every single time."

"Wasn't like it didn't work both ways," Heero muttered almost inaudibly, remembering the snowman. He could feel Jade's eyes on him, but he didn't look up, too busy frowning at his slice of pie.

"Maxwell sounds like an idiot," Jade commented dryly.

"Maxwell is a brilliant man, and the best damn pilot I've ever met," Heero interrupted, unable to hold his tongue for longer. "It wasn't like I wanted to mess with him." He shook his head, staring down at his half-eaten slice of pie. "I just didn't want him to get hurt."

"That's patronizing." Jade sucked on his fingers and gave Heero an annoyed look, then turned to Trowa. "You didn't like Maxwell."

"I thought he got in the way," Trowa admitted, and shrugged. "He wasn't a soldier. He was a thief." Trowa's lips curled up at the edges. "One of the best thieves I've ever known, but he still wasn't a soldier."

"He ever steal something from you?" Jade wiped his fingers on the towel before putting it against his cheek again.

"A few things," Trowa said, and shrugged. "Hasn't taught me to pilot like he can, though."

"Is..." Jade frowned, his eyes darting between Trowa and Heero. "Is this guy dead, or not? Sometimes you talk like he's gone. You both gang up on him, too?"

"Maxwell ganged up on _us_ ," Heero replied, hedging Jade's first question. "He's the one who set us up on our first date."

Trowa smirked.

"But is he..." Jade looked baffled as Trowa stood up, collecting the empty plates and setting them in the sink. Jade glanced at Heero, who was also standing up. "This is somebody important...why do you keep talking about him?"

"He's someone we both love," Trowa whispered, his back still to Jade.

Coming to stand beside Trowa, Heero rested his hand over Trowa's for a half-second before pulling away. Emptying the ice into the sink, he draped the towel over the rack and wiped his hands off on his jeans.

"How's your cheek, Jade?" Heero leaned against the countertop, crossing his arms as Jade lowered the towel and turned his head for Heero to see. Heero nodded. "Won't be as bad, now. Give me the ice-pack and go straighten up in the living room."

Jade stood, his fingers clutching the towel, but then he sighed and handed it to Heero. Heading towards the living room, he stopped in the archway and turned around, his face downcast.

"Master?"

"Hm?" Heero shook out the towel, the ice cubes rattling in the sink.

"Are we..." Jade shifted in place, nervously, fiddling with the cuffs of his black sweater. "Is this what friends do?"

"Yes," Trowa replied, before Heero could answer. He strode over to Jade, stopping only inches away as he looked down. Smoothing Jade's hair off his forehead, Trowa leaned down and gently kissed the purplish bruise forming on Jade's cheek. "We are all friends, no matter what."

"Oh, sure," Jade retorted, his voice hardening into a taunt. "I bet you wouldn't―"

"I love you," Trowa whispered.

Jade's eyes went wide, and his mouth formed a little 'o' of astonishment. He started to say something, but it came out as a squeak.

"I'm not your Master," Trowa continued. "I'm a friend, and I _do_ love you."

He bent down again to kiss Jade on the nose, before walking away with a single backwards glance to Heero. Heero was startled to see Trowa's eyes were glittering brightly, but there was a sweet smile on his lips. Heero listened as the study door opened and closed. His gaze traveled back to see Jade, staring off in the direction Trowa had left, his fingers coming up to gently tap on the end of his nose. There was a thin line between his brows, and for a long time he remained there, staring off into the middle distance, his fingers resting gently against his nose. Then Jade sighed and was gone in a silent flash, off to clean up the living room.


	23. the withered grass

Standing at a six-way  
Crossroads  
In the withered grass  
_―_ Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Trowa waited until the door had shut behind Heero and Jade, and picked up the phone. Dialing a long series of numbers, he put the phone to his ear as he leaned against the countertop. It rang five times before a woman's voice answered.

"Identification, please."

"Agent Barton. Four-four-seven, oh-nine. Headquarters, I.R.M. Division."

"Please hold." The line was silent for several seconds. "Secure or general?"

"Secure. Redirect to seventeen-fifty-six, Alpha-four-fifty-two, Charlie-three-thirty-nine." 

"Transferring." 

Trowa sighed and rubbed his forehead as the phone clicked several times, then began ringing. It was picked up on the third ring.

"Chang."

"Barton," Trowa said. "I've got news."

Wufei's voice was instantly worried. "Is everything okay?"

"Fine, mostly," Trowa replied. "Nothing requiring a doctor's attention." Although perhaps it should have, from the beginning, he thought darkly. "Heero had a rather―"

"Is this secured?"

Trowa was tempted to roll his eyes. "Yes."

"Good," Wufei said. "Continue."

"Jade was trained for a specific Master, and we suspect it may be the one who purchased him. According to some of Jade's comments, he appears to have been specifically...groomed for someone the organization already had lined up." 

"Really," Wufei replied, his voice thoughtful, yet annoyed at the same time. "And here that jackass has been saying he went into the auction not knowing what he was getting into."

"You didn't investigate that?"

Wufei snorted. "How? He's had immunity so far, thanks to that harpy. His mother makes Une look like an amateur."

"They haven't been having tea together a lot, have they?"

"Yeah," Wufei grumbled. "Why?"

"Nothing much. Just don't make a point of insulting their gender around them."

"Thanks, Barton," Wufei said dryly. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

 

 

 

Trowa shut down the laptop when he heard Heero calling him for dinner. He leaned back in the chair, stretching his arms over his head and listening to his joints pop, before getting up. It had been four days since the exchange of blows, but Jade's behavior hadn't wavered. He had continued to study Trowa closely, but refrained from getting too close. It was almost, Trowa thought, as though Jade were studying him under a microscope. There had been no further discussion about Maxwell, and Jade had become cranky and withdrawn the one time Heero tried to press for more information about Jade's Trainer. Trowa was almost positive that Jade had figured out that neither of them were his intended Master, but it wasn't clear what Jade planned to do with that information.

It's strange, Trowa pondered. The tension moving through him at times reminded him of the war, more than anything else he'd gone through yet, in the house. But it wasn't war in the sense of battle, he thought, trying to clarify the sensation. It was the waiting game they'd played, between missions, or on the Libra, wondering when White Fang or Oz would strike. There was no question that battle would come. It was only a matter of when, and it meant living in a constant state of near-readiness.

What am I getting ready for? Trowa pushed the thought out of his head and stood, pushing the chair under the desk before he left the study.

"Lasagna," Heero said as Trowa walked into the kitchen. "We have leftovers."

"That's fine." Trowa grabbed a drink from the fridge, and turned around to see Jade sitting at the table. Those great blue eyes were fixed on him, the man's expression solemn and distant. "Have you finished the jigsaw puzzle?"

"Just did," Heero replied, and slid the leftovers into the oven. "Maybe we should go back and get a few more."

"We could do that." Trowa gritted his teeth and decided to go for the frontal attack. "Jade, why do you keep staring at me?"

Jade ducked his head, and stared at the tablecloth for several seconds before shrugging a little. Heero set a hurricane lamp down on the table and began refilling it, and the room was silent for several minutes, until Heero left to put the lamp back in the living room. Ifrit meowed at Trowa's feet, and he bent down, letting the cat leap onto his shoulders. Trowa automatically checked the food bowl, and raised an eyebrow at the cat.

"You have plenty of food," he told Ifrit, and began scratching the cat behind its ears. "Pest," he added affectionately.

Heero cleared his throat, and Trowa raised both eyebrows, wondering what was up. 

"I think we should change the schedule," Heero said. His gaze darted to Jade, still staring at the table, and back to Trowa. "Four hour blocks, in pairs. Starting with you and I in the morning, then you and Jade over mid-day, then Jade and I in the afternoon."

Trowa nodded. "Jade?"

"Whatever," Jade mumbled. 

"Good enough," Trowa said. 

 

 

 

The next day, Trowa returned from town with clean laundry, to find Heero gathering firewood from the stack by the barn. Trowa waved and pushed the front door open, startled to find Jade standing on the low table, his hand on the top shelf. Jade spun at the sound of the door, and nearly fell from the table, startled. He leapt down from the table, making a strangled sound in his throat as he wobbled and caught himself on the mantle.

"Hey," Trowa said. "Are you okay?"

Jade shrugged and lifted one foot, shaking his ankle. The anklet's bells chimed for a bit, and Jade managed a lopsided smile. "I'm fine, Master," he said. 

Trowa nodded, taking the laundry upstairs, unsurprised to find Jade had followed him. Jade hovered at the top of the steps, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he watched Trowa put the clothes away. Downstairs, Heero had returned, and was stoking the fire. Trowa could hear the footsteps as Heero entered the study and shut the door behind him. 

"So you're curious about your other gifts," Trowa said, trying to find a good place to start the conversation.

Jade nodded, a shy smile flashing across his face. "Are they still mine?"

"Yes. Do you want to open them now?"

A huge grin was Trowa's only answer, and Jade spun, heading down the stairs at top speed. By the time Trowa put the last of the clothes away and came down the steps, Jade was perched on the sofa with both gifts in his hands, and was carefully unwrapping one of them. Sliding the box from the paper, he studied the object for several seconds before raising puzzled eyes to Trowa. 

"What is it?" Jade shook the box, his head cocked as he listened. "It doesn't do anything. And it's not a book."

"It's a game," Trowa explained. "For you to play on the computer." He took the box, snapping it open. "One of us can help you set it up, and then..." He looked down to see Jade already opening the second present, to discover a similar box. Trowa smiled. "Another game. That one is an adventure game, and this one is the latest in piloting games." 

"Piloting," Jade repeated, bewildered. "What does it do?"

"Not as much as it could," Trowa admitted. "I didn't get the console, so you'll have to use the keyboard, but it's a game where you're piloting a Gundam against...other mobile suits." 

Jade frowned, flipping the box over to look at the pictures before raising his eyes to Trowa. "What's a Gundam?"

"It's..." Trowa closed his mouth, and shrugged. "It's just part of the game, Jade. Heero's on the computer now, though, so you'll have to wait until after dinner. We can set it up then, and you can play with it in the morning. Did you want to do something else, now?"

"Upstairs?" Jade dropped the boxes on the sofa, leaving the half-folded used wrapping paper. He took Trowa by the hand, and tugged him towards the stairs. Reluctantly, and puzzled, Trowa let himself be led. "This way, Master," Jade whispered, smiling, although his eyes looked worried. 

Once in the loft, Trowa disengaged his hand. "It's warmer near the fire, Jade," he said. 

"No, up here is better," Jade whispered, stepping closer. He ducked his head, staring up at Trowa through his chestnut-red bangs, and smiled as he placed his hands on Trowa's chest. Taking another step, he pressed himself up against Trowa, and his hands slid around Trowa's chest to embrace Trowa around the waist. Jade laid his head on Trowa's shoulder, and sighed.

"Jade," Trowa replied, feeling Jade relax against him. He pondered for a moment, then smiled to himself, and put his arms around Jade, hugging Jade tightly. "I missed this," he said. Immediately Jade tensed, and Trowa frowned. "What is it?"

"Did you?" Jade turned to stare up at Trowa. "I thought..."

Trowa immediately knew he didn't want to go there. "Shh. It's okay, it's not important now," Trowa murmured, bending his head to place his forehead against Jade's shoulder and hugging him close. 

"Master..." Jade wriggled a little, and pulled away with a smile. "I want to give you a backrub."

"Me?" Trowa raised his eyebrows. "But..."

"You spent the morning chopping wood, you 'n Master," Jade pointed out, and tugged Trowa's hand, leading him to the bed. "I know how to do this, and I won't make you get cranky like Master's backrubs." He guided Trowa to sit, and pulled on Trowa's sweater. 

"Heero's backrubs aren't―" Trowa's voice was muffled as the sweater and shirt came off in one smooth move. He laid down on the bed, on his stomach, and sighed. "They're not that bad," he continued, but without too much conviction. I wouldn't mind some attention, he thought, and moved to center himself on the bed as Jade crawled up next to him.

"Hush, Master," Jade teased, and patted him on the shoulder. "You just enjoy. This is my job." 

Your job, Trowa thought, and sighed as he heard the snap of Quatre's gift, a bottle of massage oil, being opened. A second later two slick hands landed on his back and Jade straddled Trowa's thighs as the deft fingers began at Trowa's waist. Trowa groaned as the knots in his lower back were carefully prodded. Eventually the rhythmic motion became relaxing, and he closed his eyes, drifting into a light sleep as Jade continued to work on his muscles.

 

 

 

Trowa watched as Heero and Jade had a snowball fight in the front yard, and sighed as he moved away from the window to put his book away. Three more days had passed, and Jade seemed to be moving into a calmer version of himself, yet more talkative than before. It had taken Trowa a day or two to realize what was bothering him, and he wasn't surprised that Heero brushed off Trowa's worries when the topic was finally raised. Jade had been downstairs, playing his new video game, and Trowa had mentioned that Jade's conversation was very Maxwellian—a great deal of chatter, with little substance. Heero had simply shrugged and rolled over on top of Trowa, effectively distracting Trowa from any further discussion.

But it didn't make it go away, Trowa thought. There was something...not right, but he couldn't figure it out. His time alone, he'd spent reading, or working in the barn on one-person projects. The day before, he'd chopped wood for an hour, and was given another long and slow massage that lasted nearly two hours. It had ended with Trowa lacking all his clothes, but Jade had not said or done anything beyond an almost professional demeanor. Trowa hadn't fallen asleep, but drowsed while Jade carefully and thoroughly worked over the tired muscles in his body, down to his fingertips and toes. At the end, Jade had laid down beside him, his head on Heero's pillow, and one hand on Trowa's shoulder. 

He didn't talk, though, Trowa recalled. Jade really only chattered when Heero was around, and even then it was about inconsequential things. Like the laptop, and the video game, or the books they'd read, or the guitar. Heero didn't broach the topic of Maxwell or Jade's past, and Jade didn't bring up anything of his training. It was like dancing around a large object in the living room that no one would admit to seeing, Trowa thought, and shook his head. Perhaps it was only that Jade was becoming acclimated to their different styles. Heero was used to chatter, having had years of a friendship with Maxwell; Trowa preferred silence unless there was something worth saying. 

That must be it. Jade's recognized that we're different people, and that we're not the Master for whom he was intended, but he's accepted that. The idea pleased Trowa, and he straightened, stretching a little before heading in to check the laptop. The auction was in three days, and Wufei had promised to send any last minute details before the sting operation. 

An hour later Trowa sat back from the laptop, his gut churning at the news from Quatre. Ifrit shifted in his lap, claws digging into Trowa's thighs in protest, and Trowa sighed, scratching the cat behind the ears as he printed out the information. Reviewing it quickly, he set it aside. Jade was doing well, and Trowa didn't want to raise the issue until he'd had a chance to discuss it with Heero. Thinking of Heero made him frown, and he leaned forward, resting his cheek on his fist as he idly began playing solitaire. Heero still hadn't said what prompted him to punch Jade, and Trowa had dropped the subject, but he still wondered. Jade was slowly becoming more affectionate with both of them, as though returning to his original patterns, but now including Heero. 

Trowa checked the time on the laptop and began several quick web searches for information. Twenty minutes later he shut down the laptop, deciding to start dinner rather than make decision based on inadequate information. It'll just have to wait until after dinner, he told himself, and whatever brought on the matched set of bruises will just have to remain a mystery until Heero is ready to talk. But first, he thought, it's time to call Wufei again. The email hinted, and he needed more than hints.

 

 

 

Heero set the papers down, and raised his hands to cover his face. After several minutes of being very still, he pushed his hands up until they were running through his hair, and then down to the back of his neck, where he massaged his own shoulders for several seconds before dropping his hands with a sigh. 

They were sitting on the edge of the bed, reviewing the papers Trowa had printed out. Downstairs, Trowa could hear the game's theme song replaying. Jade had probably moved onto the next level, and he took a moment to consider the fact that Jade's piloting skills, even on a laptop, were obviously still top-notch. There had been a frustrated first hour a few days before, trying to learn the game, but once Jade got into the graphics, it was as though his fingers reacted without Jade even being fully aware of the decisions he was making. Jade clearly enjoyed the game, given the way he'd leapt at the chance to have an hour to play after dinner. Trowa returned his attention to Heero as Heero picked the papers up again. 

"Tranxene therapy, combined with hypnotic and neurolinguistic programming," Heero read in a dull monotone. He flipped through the pages. "These are their top three candidates?"

"No, just three whose existence, history, and training are known. They're also the ones that fit the profile Wufei entered, of his ideal slave." Trowa leaned back on the bed, resting his weight on his hands. "Une thinks Jade should pick which one."

"Jade should pick?" Heero's blue eyes were wide. "That bitch," he growled, the papers crumpling in his hands. "Isn't it enough that she's willing to use experimental drug therapy?"

"Who else might have the right to choose, but someone who's been through it as well?" Trowa shook his head. "I'm not saying we'll tell him of Une's request. But perhaps...showing him the information, we might find something out. You said he mentioned others..."

Heero nodded. "It didn't make sense to me. Wouldn't he have been isolated for the entire training?"

"Not necessarily," Trowa replied. "Sometimes being around others of similar backgrounds can reinforce the indoctrination."

"How do you know?" Heero's eyes were suspicious.

"Because that's the way it works with all groups," Trowa told him, a little wearily. "Why do you think rookies are always paired with experienced officers? We did the same thing in the circus. New hires were expected to move in and live with the rest of us, and by doing so, they learned the traditions and patterns of the circus."

Heero was silent, and then nodded, his gaze falling back onto the paper. "I don't like it," he said.

"I don't either." Trowa sat forward, taking the top sheet from Heero and reading over it again, even though he had it nearly memorized. "It just seems like...they're trying to fix what was done, by doing the same thing again."

"Do they even know that Tranxene was used in the first place?"

Trowa shrugged. "Quatre said the doctors are certain that drug was the one most likely to result in memory loss. Although..." He frowned. "I did some research on it, after getting the email, and from what I can tell, it doesn't remove the memory completely. It just makes the subject disoriented, and open to suggestion."

"Right." Heero didn't look Trowa in the eyes.

"Which means that if Jade can't remember his past, there's something else going on," Trowa finished softly. "According to what I read, he should have some kind of shadowy memories, or a set of fully formed, artificially-shaped memories that are completely false. Instead..."

"I don't know," Heero said, and he clearly wasn't talking about the drug's viability, or Jade's memory. "But I don't want Une sticking him full of drugs." 

"It's Jade's choice," Trowa pointed out.

"Is he really capable of making a choice? Even now, would he?" Heero dropped the papers on the bed and stood up, his eyes unfocused. "I get the strange feeling these candidates won't get much of a choice, either. They'll imprint the people on a Preventer, and have the Preventer consent."

"But if it works..."

"They don't know that," Heero snarled. His shoulders were tense, and his head down. "The fact that it's been used to remove memory doesn't mean it'll put memory back. It's not like downloading and uploading―"

"There's something else." Trowa stood up, moving to stand behind Heero. He placed a hand on Heero's shoulder, and squeezed gently. "We need to decide, because if we don't...they'll use Jade."

Heero's head came up, and he spun, his mouth open. No sound came out; he simply stared. 

"I'm sorry. Wufei told me on the phone..." Trowa dropped his eyes. "The injuries were incurred while Maxwell was in the line of duty, and since he lacks blood relatives, Preventers has ultimate decision on any treatment methods. Their claim overrides the power of attorney he granted you after the war."

"They've never invoked that rule before." Heero crossed his arms, dropping his head to stare up at Trowa through his tousled bangs. "Don't see why―"

"Une has been standing between us and the Oversight Committee for two months now. According to the pre-auction information sent to Wufei, there are nearly sixty people going up for auction on Thursday. He's been assured there are another eighty waiting their turn, if anyone at the auction can't find...something that pleases them. As far as Une's bosses are concerned, if she'd turned Jade over to the doctors immediately, the Preventers could be going in with a cure already on hand."

"Over a hundred..." Heero shook his head. "But Jade―"

"The committee wants this resolved quickly. The Preventers need as much good P.R. as possible, especially with the budget reviews coming up with the UESN next month." Trowa's smile was bitter. "On top of that, the doctors are aware Maxwell was a Gundam pilot. Several of them have already given presentations over Une's protests, arguing that Maxwell's history makes him a better test subject, rather than a worse one."

Heero's head came up, his nostrils flaring dangerously, but he said nothing.

"The scientists shot us all full of stuff," Trowa said, staring off across the room, and out the window. The moon was caught in winter branches, a thin crescent against a dark blue sky. It made Trowa think of Duo's eyes. "And while we're not all as indestructible as you, we're damn near close."

"So he could handle the reaction, if it went―" Heero's voice choked. "Absolutely not," he ground out. "Enough has been done to him."

"It's one of them, or Jade," Trowa said, and his voice dropped to a whisper. All the self-control he'd had, cooking dinner, eating, and washing the dishes afterwards, and it was suddenly fleeing him without a backwards glance. Trowa felt nauseous. "Fucking bastards...Heero, what are we going to do?" Trowa raised his eyes to meet Heero's, and his eyes were wide and bright. He could feel the tears threatening to fall, and he inhaled quickly, shuddering as he tried to get himself under control. "What are we going to tell him? What are―"

"Shh," Heero said, stepping forward to wrap his arms around Trowa's waist, pulling Trowa's head down onto Heero's shoulder. "There's still a few more days. We'll think of something. And if we have to, we'll pick for Jade."

 

 

 

Three days later, Wufei sent a brief report. __

Forty-eight arrests. One hundred seventeen people taken into Preventers care. Five more locations investigated. Une trying for forty-eight hour delay with Committee. Send word soon.

Trowa automatically saved the email for Heero to read, and clicked on a browser. Idly running the pointer over the icons, he wondered which site he'd visited had information on the drug therapy. He clicked on history, and nearly swore out loud. Over three hundred sites had been accessed in the past two days alone. 

Trowa skimmed backwards, and realized nothing had been accessed until after Jade had started playing the video games. Puzzled, and yet hopeful, he clicked randomly on several links. 

Archival news reports: Gundam terrorists attack Victoria base. 

Encyclopedia of war: the development of mobile suit technology. 

Preventers main site: Heero Yuy transfers from Sanq royal service to Preventers. 

Celebrity biographies: Duo Maxwell.

Trowa let out a breath, and looked down to see his hands were shaking on the keyboard. Just as quickly, though, it dawned on him: why hadn't Jade said anything?

 

 

 

"He has a right to know," Trowa said, trying to keep his voice as low as possible. Jade was in the bath, and Heero was building the fire while Trowa crouched beside him. "We can't keep dancing around the topic. He knows something is up...we've got to tell him who he was."

Heero's hands paused, then dropped the last log on the fire. "We will...but not yet."

"Are you sure?" Trowa pulled away, his eyes narrowed as he studied Heero's face. "Or do you like him better as he is now? Now that he can communicate, but knows nothing of his past. He's not nearly as malleable as Jade, but he might as well be..."

"I'm not saying we won't tell him," Heero said. "But first I think we should find out what Jade's―"

"What about me?" Jade's voice came from behind them.

Trowa barely kept from spinning around. It would have been a guilty reaction, he knew, and he forced himself to breathe evenly as he stood up and turned. Jade was wearing his black pajamas, and wringing his hair out with a towel. The silver pendant around his neck gleamed dully in the firelight. 

"We found out the searches you've been doing," Trowa said, keeping his voice steady.

A strange expression flickered across Jade's face, and he dropped his eyes, shrugging. "Yeah, so? You didn't say I couldn't do other stuff on the computer. And the games are boring." His blue eyes shot a worried look at Trowa. "They're too easy."

"Jade," Heero said, standing as well. "What prompted the searches?"

Jade was quiet, shifting his weight from one foot to another as his gaze darted back and forth between them. Trowa narrowed his eyes, watching Jade calmly, but unexpectedly able to read the reason for Jade's hesitation. Jade wasn't sure which tactic to use – silence, with few words, for Trowa, or chattering for Heero. In a conversation with them both, Jade was off-balance again. 

"I wanted to know about this guy you told me about," Jade finally said. He pulled the towel from his hair, but continued to wring it between his hands. He didn't seem to be aware of his actions. "And there's other weird stuff you've said, an' I wanted to know..."

"What did you find out?" Trowa canted his head at Jade, genuinely curious to hear Jade's interpretation of the sites he'd visited.

"There was a war, and you two were guys who came down and killed people. Along with Maxwell, an' two other guys." Jade wrinkled his nose. "You're murderers."

The room was silent, except for the hissing as the fire licked up the edge of a snow-soaked log. Heero's face was inscrutable, but he slowly nodded. "Yes, the five of us killed a number of people in battle."

"An' you had these big monster things, that you used," Jade continued, a thin line between his brows. "But you were like heroes an' stuff, cause you won the war. And there was a second war but it didn't seem to last very long."

"The Mariemaia Incident." Trowa said it before he'd thought better of the words. 

Jade shrugged. "An' Duo Maxwell was from a colony in space or something. He was...popular." 

"Not really," Heero said, and the shy smile was unexpected in the tense atmosphere. "He...kept to himself, on L2. And not everyone knew him, and as time passed...less did."

"Well, some folks had to know who he was," Jade said. He pulled his hair around and tugged on it. "Y'know, like a role model or something."

"A role model?" Trowa frowned. 

"Yeah," Jade said, shrugging. "I mean, it makes sense. Trainer liked my hair," he said, ducking his head as he pulled his hair down to mask his expression. Trowa noted absently Jade's hair was almost down to his elbows. Jade's fingers combed through the damp mass, and finally dropped, to clutch the towel again. "So I guess Trainer must've thought Maxwell was...good, or..." His words trailed off.

"Good?" Heero prompted softly.

"Maybe wanted me to look like him, the whole way," Jade said. "But my hair's not long enough." He regarded his hair with a dubious eye, and shrugged, tossing his head a little to get the hair out his eyes. 

Heero opened his mouth to speak, but Trowa splayed his fingers, although he kept his hand down by his waist. Jade didn't see the gesture, but Heero did, and he raised his eyebrows. Trowa took a deep breath, and gently exhaled through his nose, carefully picking his way through what he wanted to say. 

"Jade...what's the difference between you and Maxwell?"

"The difference?" Jade looked confused, then grinned wryly. "Master, that's a silly question. There's lots of differences!"

"Tell me."

"Well, for starters, he's way older than me." 

Trowa blinked. "Older?"

"Yeah, like twenty-six or something." Jade shrugged. "I'm only two."

Heero hissed, drawing breath through clenched teeth. 

"You don't look like you're two," Trowa said, amazed to hear his voice perfectly even. 

Jade rolled his eyes. "Well, of course not. That's the other difference."

Trowa waited, and wondered why the room wasn't spinning. His heart was pounding in his chest, and his legs felt shaky, as though he were back in battle again for the first time in a mobile suit, twenty years before. He said nothing, however, and Heero didn't move, either.

"Your friend is...real. I was created just for one purpose..." Jade's voice dropped to a mumble, and he ducked his head, looking sullen. "Trainer called me a test-tube baby. But I found the truth when I was doing all those searches. I'm what they call a clone."


	24. a weathered skeleton

A weathered skeleton  
In windy fields of memory,  
Piercing like a knife.  
_―_ Basho Matsuo

 

 

 

Heero could feel the fire's heat behind him, but something had sunk into his bones, cold and distant, like the fine tendrils of ice on the windowpanes. The wind rattled the tin roof, but no one stirred. Jade's eyes were solemn and mournful, and his shoulders were slumped. Trowa had not moved or spoken. Another gust of wind battered the roofline. 

Once I was Wing, Heero thought, standing at the window of the school office, my first time on earth. I remember seeing a gentle breeze play with the girls' hair as they dashed across the courtyard. Heero let his thoughts wander into recollection, as he tried to marshal his response to Duo, but instead the only thing that came to mind was the conception of updrafts and currents in the upper atmosphere. From earth, the sky seems transparent and peaceful, but as a pilot, the farther into the heights, the more turbulent it becomes.

Not at all like the ocean, Heero reflected, as a log cracked in the fire, sending up a burst of sparks behind him. He had landed in the ocean, willing to relinquish Wing as destroyed, and amazed to find himself on the shore. And then to return to the ocean's cold grasp, to destroy Wing despite Duo's attempt to salvage the beast. Heero recalled the rolling waves and sparse whitecaps on the calm day. He had been shocked to find that below the surface he was nearly ripped limb from limb by the undercurrents, pulling him inexorably towards a fate only the ocean could understand. 

He'd experienced it again, after plunging into the ocean from the battle with Wufei. Rising up to the surface, Wing Zero had been hammered by the undertow, and swept along until Zero had pushed past, to break clear. I am still rising with Zero, Heero told himself, and it was then that he knew what he needed to do.

Heero laughed.

 

 

 

It wasn't the maniacal laughter of battle, or the sly chuckle accompanied by a smirk, but the sweet laughter he'd expressed only as his friendship with Duo had strengthened, years before. It was a delighted laugh, and Heero could hear the echo of a child long gone, joyful at the completion of his first mission. 

Beside him, Trowa had started at the sound, and Jade's eyes grew even wider, then narrowed. Heero's laugh relaxed into a smile, as he came around the sofa. Jade turned in place, his hands still twisting the towel before him, but his gaze never left Heero. His expression became suspicious, and he backed up a step as Heero neared.

"A clone," Heero said. "I see." 

He reached out and took the towel from Jade, tugging gently until Jade released it. Heero set the towel on the back of the sofa and stepped forward again, placing his hands at the hem of Jade's sweatshirt, and pulling upwards. Startled, Jade raised his arms obediently, letting Heero strip the shirt away. Heero dropped that, too, over the back of the sofa. Heero studied Jade's chest and stomach, and raised one hand, holding it over a scar above Jade's left nipple.

"This is from the space battle over L2," Heero whispered. "The ECM system short-circuited from a direct hit by a Taurus. When the panel exploded, its cover became a projectile, slicing through your airlock suit." He raised his finger to point at the bridge of Jade's nose. "And there's a scar, too small now to see unless you know where to look...that's from the battle at Singapore, while you were trying to get into space, with Quatre. Deathscythe took a direct hit, and you slammed your head against the forward visual panel."

Jade glanced over at Trowa, his eyebrows raised, but Trowa's face was inscrutable. Jade scowled a little and leaned backwards, away from Heero's outstretched finger.

"That scar is from the detention on the lunar base," Heero said, ignoring Jade's movement, but shifting to hold his fingers over a white streak across the upper part of Jade's left forearm. "Wufei said you worried at the shackles too much."

There was a shuffling sound, and Jade moved back a half-step. His eyes were shining, and he started to shake his head, his eyes narrowed as he gave Heero an expression somewhere between bewildered and argumentative.

"This one, on your arm," Heero told him. "I remember that." He stepped around Jade, raising his hand to trace the scar, ghosting his fingers over the faint marking of an elongated stripe. "This is from when you went headfirst through the window at the Federation Hospital. Thirty-eight floors above the ground." Heero smirked and moved around to Jade's back, raising his palm to hold it over Jade's shoulder blade. Jade flinched, but Heero didn't touch the puckered skin of several broad scars angling across Jade's upper back. "These are from when OZ captured you...the first time." Heero dropped his hand and stepped back to stand before Jade, one eyebrow arched as he crossed his arms. "Still convinced Trainer was right?"

Jade nodded, quickly, then frowned, pursing his lips. His shoulders slumped, and he dropped his chin, staring up at Heero from under his bangs. "Trainer said the scars are part of cloning," Jade whispered. "So...no, Master. That doesn't make me your friend."

Heero shook his head. "You're still my friend, no matter who you are. But you're Maxwell."

"How do you know?" Jade threw his head back to get the hair out of his eyes, and fixed Heero with a steely look. "Just because I'm the exact duplicate doesn't―"

"I _know_ ," Heero replied. Jade opened his mouth, and Heero smirked. "You'll just have to take my word for it. Now, enough chatter. There's something else we need to discuss with you, first." Heero left the living room, heading up to the loft to get the papers from the bedside table. Jade's voice drifted up the stairs behind him.

"Oh, well, excuse me," Jade said, a melodramatic tone in his voice. "Didn't realize my conversation was keeping you from something important." 

Heero came back down the stairs to see Jade put his hands on his hips as Trowa sat down on the sofa, facing the fireplace. 

"Enough games for tonight," Heero said. "Come sit down. You need to look at these." He waved them at Jade, then shrugged. "If you don't want to, that's your choice." He sat at the other end of the sofa, and handed two of the sheets to Trowa, who shot Heero a smug look as he bent to study them. 

The two men were silent, and soon Jade's anklet chimed as he came around the sofa to perch between them, staring intently at the fireplace. Heero flipped one of the sheets, and Jade jumped, but made no move otherwise, his gaze fixed straight ahead. Heero grinned to himself and set the papers on the low table, directly in front of Jade. A second later, Trowa did the same, laying his over Heero's. Heero leaned back, his arms crossed, and waited. Jade was still, then one hand snuck out, and he grabbed the papers quickly, pulling his knees up under his chin as he hunched forward, reading the papers quickly. His lips moved a little as he read, but he didn't make a sound. Jade scanned each page, returning to the top one, his brows furrowed.

"What are these..." He paused, and made a choking sound. "You're...replacing me?"

"Replacing..." Trowa sat bolt upright, his expression anxious. " _No_ , Jade."

"You're getting a second pet," Jade accused, but his voice was broken, and his hands were shaking. "I'm not enough," he murmured, his head down. He crumpled the papers, holding them against his shins. "You're just gonna throw me away..."

"Jade," Trowa said, opening his arms.

Heero watched as Trowa pulled Jade into an embrace, shifting Jade until his legs were bent over Trowa's lap, and his head was on Trowa's shoulder. Jade's deep blue eyes were unfocused, and Heero watched as Jade bit his lower lip, his entire body shaking. Trowa's hands stroked Jade's arm and shoulder, pulling him close as Trowa whispered something inaudible in Jade's ear. Eventually Jade relaxed, although the papers were still crushed against his chest. Trowa glanced over at Heero, his meaning clear.

"That's not what those are for, at all," Heero said. "These are three candidates...three people, one of whom will undergo a test procedure to free them...from their training."

"Free them?" Jade frowned, and buried his nose in Trowa's neck, his voice muffled. "That's not possible."

"There are some doctors who think it is," Trowa said gently, his hand never stopping its motion along Jade's arm. "But before they do that, they wanted to know if you know any of the three." He dropped his voice to a mere whisper, his lips against Jade's forehead. "Do you?"

Jade was quiet for a moment, then nodded, hesitant, as he peeled the papers from his chest and carefully thumbed through them. "Amber...she's nice. Not very smart...her Trainer had to tell her things three, four times." Jade shrugged, raising one shoulder and dropping it in a dismissive gesture. "Trainer said she might not be able to hear very well." 

Trowa took the sheet and handed it to Heero, who glanced over the information, only momentarily stopping on the picture of a young girl, probably in her early adolescence. Jade studied the next sheet for a minute, and sighed. 

"That's Tiger. He only took orders from his Trainer," Jade said, scowling. "He was all uppity." He dropped the paper on the sofa as though it burned his fingers. "He talked too much, too, in the rooms. He frightened some of the other pets. They made him go away after awhile, but I don't know what happened after that. I think he was just really scared, though. I heard him crying in his sleep a few times..."

Heero raised his eyebrows, wondering what Wufei had said he'd like in a slave, if such a wide variance had been suggested. 

"This is Pearl." A sweet smile flashed across Jade's face. "She was brand new when I left...but she seemed so..." He waved one hand, his brow furrowed, and shook his head. "Lost. She had this line just above her nose, like she was thinking of something. At night she would whisper in her sleep." Jade rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Some of the other pets said she'd never be sold. She couldn't read," Jade explained, his eyes sad. "And she daydreamed...always..." He shook his head and dropped the last papers, wrapping his arms around Trowa's neck and burying his face against Trowa's shoulder.

"Jade," Heero said, clearing his throat a little. "Which do you think is the strongest? Physically?"

Trowa hugged Jade closely, then patted Jade's bare shoulder. Gradually Jade unwound his arms enough to stare at Heero, a challenge in his eyes. 

"Tiger talks a lot, but he was scared," Jade said. His body tensed defensively. "And Amber and Pearl meant no one any harm." He was silent for a moment. "None of them are strong...not really. This...procedure...is it going to be hard? Will it hurt them?"

"Possibly," Trowa admitted. His arms tightened around Jade.

"I don't want them to be hurt," Jade replied, pushing a little at Trowa's arms. "They're just kids, and they hadn't even been through the―"

"Through what," Heero pressed. Jade squirmed in Trowa's arms, and glowered under his brows at Heero. "What hadn't they been through?"

"The last of the training," Jade whispered. "To prepare them for..." He made a face. "Well, they probably have, by now."

Heero glanced at Trowa, who cut his eyes at the sheets, and Heero nodded. 

"Jade," Trowa said, smoothing down Jade's hair with a gentle touch. "Which one do you think would be..." He paused, frowning slightly. "Were any of them...did any of them seem like someone who could handle challenges?"

"New things frightened Amber," Jade said, his tone low and thoughtful. "Tiger would do anything his Trainer said, without hesitation. His Trainer..." A tremor ran through Jade's body. "His Trainer was cruel, I heard. And Pearl...she would cry, and hide, if she did something wrong." He shook his head and pushed away from Trowa, clambering off to grab the papers. 

Before Heero could react, Jade had crawled over the low table, knocking several books to the floor, and had thrust the papers into the fire. Heero immediately came to his feet, Trowa beside him. Jade turned to face them.

"I'll do these stupid tests," Jade announced. "There's no way I'm letting any more sadistic asswipes hurt the other pets."

"NO!" Trowa's shout was instantaneous.

Jade recoiled, then brought himself upright again, glaring at Trowa with narrowed eyes. "You want someone to test something on, use me. It's no worse than anything else! Not like it's anything new!"

"Jade," Heero barked, stepping forward. "You are not going to be the test subject."

"Why not?"

"It's not acceptable. You're staying here, where you're safe―"

"So you'll throw one of those kids into it? Someone's going to poke them and prod them, when all they want is a good Master who'll love them?" Jade shook his head. "You're saying they'll be free, at the end. I'm not going to do that to them, abandon them with no Master to take care of them. Fuck you!" 

"If you're not going to pick one, then we will," Trowa snapped. "But if you knew them―"

"Admit it!" Jade's face was red with fury, and his fists were clenched. "You just want one more person to love and cast aside! I'll do the tests, cause if someone's going to be abandoned, I'd rather it be me!"

"Jade," Trowa breathed, his eyes wide. 

"Not like it's anything that hasn't already happened," Jade cried. "Trainer left me with promises of my Master, and y'know what? You aren't the real one!" 

Heero raised his hand, but dropped it as Jade stepped backwards, his eyes fixed on Trowa.

"You're not, you're just someone who stole me," Jade spat, his voice dropping to a low baritone that vibrated with barely-suppressed anger and hurt. "And then when you couldn't take it any more, you just _pawned me off_." 

"No!" Trowa's face was creased in pain.

"It's true! You don't want me. You've just been waiting for the right moment to get yourself something you could love. It's all a joke. It's not a test, is it? It's not anything that will fix anyone, is it?" Jade's eyes were wild and unfocused, and his entire body was shaking. "It's just your sick way of making me help you replace me. You lied! You _lied_ to me! You don't love me!"

"Jade!" Heero stepped forwards, unable to listen any longer.

"It's true! I know it's true! If you loved me, you'd show it, and you'd let _me_ love _you_ , too!" Tears began pouring down Jade's face, hanging in glittering drops off his chin. "But you've only let me show you just that once, and won't―"

"Jade," Trowa said, his voice cracking, and before Heero knew it, Trowa was around the table and enfolding Jade in his arms. Jade froze, starting to pull back. Trowa didn't release him, and with a sob, Jade wrapped his arms around Trowa's waist, clinging tightly. 

Heero was too stunned to react. All he could see were the tears caught in Trowa's eyelashes as Trowa bent over Jade. After a minute, Heero sighed, swiftly leaving the room on silent feet, heading into the study. Une was expecting an answer, and if Jade wouldn't provide one, Heero would have to, instead.

 

 

 

The information was quickly decrypted, and Heero reviewed the files carefully before selecting Pearl as the best candidate. Her tendency to daydream indicated that there might be gaps in the memory revision process. At least, Heero hoped that's what it meant, as opposed to permanent brain damage from the drug therapy and psychological manipulation. Frankly, he told himself, none of the three seemed like a suitable candidate for a risky procedure. And if he were considering it objectively, a history as a Gundam pilot indicated a definite mental resilience that few other victims might have. Heero pushed the thought away, angry for even remotely thinking of perpetrating yet another travesty upon his best friend. He hit send, and watched the email upload. 

Leaning back, he clicked the laptop off and shut the lid down. Instead of getting up right away, he remained where he was, staring into the dark corners of the room, where the bolts were still attached to the walls. Heero twisted to see more clearly, and leaned over, clicking off the lamp. The room settled into darkness, the thin streaks of moonlight unhampered by curtains. The metal rings glimmered in the corner. The image of Trowa embracing Jade came back to him, and he swore under his breath. For a moment there, he'd wanted to push Trowa out of the way...

It had been two weeks since that day he'd punched Jade in fury, and Heero still hadn't explained the circumstances to Trowa. Several times, he'd opened his mouth, but different words came out, and nothing he'd meant to say. Heero leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he buried his face in his hands.

I wanted it, he thought, cringing mentally at the bald-faced statement. I wanted my best friend...to touch me, and I wanted to touch him back. I wanted it.

Heero raised his head, leaving his fingers pressed against his mouth as he studied the moonlit room. 

I told Trowa I could handle it. I told him, and I told myself, that I was acting in Jade's best interest. But that, Heero thought bitterly, was before Jade began speaking. When Jade was vulnerable, so desperately wanting, needing.... Heero closed his eyes. Jade still desperately wants, but Heero knew he couldn't tell anymore what it was Jade truly desired. Jade was going to speak of Heero's weakness that day, Heero knew, but Trowa's abrupt announcement left Jade so stunned, the words never came. Heero had been certain Jade was about to drive the wedge of Heero's guilt right into Trowa's heart.

Perhaps if Jade had said something. Heero's breath hitched. Or if he had. At least then it would have been out in the open, but now it had been so many days. How could he bring it up now? But how could he continue to pretend it's not there? 

The last two weeks, Jade had chattered and smiled around Heero, being nothing more than friendly. At times, Heero could almost believe it was Duo again, but then Jade's eyes would go momentarily cold. Heero would be left unable to breathe, knowing all too well that the man in front of him was not truly and completely Maxwell, but a shadow. 

Jade _is_ Maxwell, Heero thought, somewhere inside. There are too many things, and not just the scars. Perhaps if there were a technology – and Heero doubted it strongly – that could clone an adult from another adult, then scars might be part of the appearance. Scars, after all, were a mutation in genetic code where the healing skin's DNA was altered into a new shape, and new growing skin would ever after carry the remains of the wound. But Jade had shown an aptitude with mechanical systems in ways that it was unlikely a household slave would have been taught. And he'd excelled at and mastered the two videogames with an ease that spoke of access to Maxwell's talents. The braid, too, was most likely Maxwell's, and used on Maxwell as part of the torture that probably was what broke him in the end.

Heero sighed and dropped his hands, letting his head hang down. Jade is broken, he thought, his mind dull. And I can't fix him, and each time I think I could, I find I can only think of wrapping my arms around him, and kissing him. Running my hands down his body, feeling his lips on my skin, one more time, as though touching him would be enough to bring him back. As though if I could just touch him _deeply_ enough, inside his soul, he would be my friend again. Heero stood up, shoving the chair away from him, and began to pace the small room.

Forbidden fruit, he snarled. He stopped to stare out the window, watching the shadows of the tree branches dance across the pristine snow by the barn. Maxwell always said I had a curiosity to rival his, if I'd just admit to it, but I never expected to see it come out like this. But, Heero knew, tasting the forbidden fruit does not make the hunger lessen. He'd learned that one well enough, having tasted the chance to make his own decisions in the wake of his self-destruction. It was Trowa who had pointed out that he was free, believed dead, and had the option to walk away. He hadn't, he couldn't, but he retained that feeling of freedom. He hadn't expected to survive the war, unlike Maxwell, but Heero had clung to the hope, secretly nourished, that one day that freedom would be his, permanently. He'd had a month of following his own instincts and emotions, around Europe, with Trowa. Having been there, he couldn't go back to ignorance.

He sighed and turned to lean against the wall, crossing his arms as he dropped his chin to his chest. I should tell Trowa, he thought. I should tell them both. I won't touch Jade. Jade is a friend. I won't take advantage of him; I did it twice already. But, some wicked part of Heero's brain replied: when you touched him, he could not defend himself. Now that he can, you have second thoughts and pull away? What kind of a friend is that? He wanted you, and you rejected him.

What kind of a friend would hide such attraction? Maxwell was honest with me, years ago, and I can't do the same for him. Heero frowned at himself, and kicked out one foot, sliding his bare foot along the wooden floor. What kind of a friend would nurture such attraction? 

I will be a better friend, he promised himself. I will be a better lover, he added. Trowa matters too much, and Heero knew in every fiber of his being that he didn't want to lose his lover. But, he pleaded with himself, how do I know what to do? What did it mean, that Jade tried to touch me, asked me to touch him in return? Is Jade acting purely out of a belief that he should be attracted to me, sexually involved with me, if I am his Master? Is it only an obligation? Or is there something more?

Heero groaned softly, knowing his thoughts were muddled. He was too tired and worn-down, and too frustrated at the knowledge that there was little he could actually do. He shook his head and bent down by one of the hooks, grunting as it reluctantly twisted in his fingers. If there was just something I could _do_ , he complained silently, setting the first hook down by his side and starting on a second one. I could let Jade have what he wants, and make him happy. He's still my friend, somewhere inside him, and _his_ happiness has always been more important to me than my own. Heero wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and set down the second bolt, his brow wrinkling with the effort of getting the third one to begin turning. But now, Trowa's happiness is also more important than my own, and I can't have both. 

I can't make them both happy, Heero realized, and his fingers fell from the bolt, lax, as the realization swept over him. If one is content, the other will be hurt. 

He leaned forward, his hands flat on the wooden floor, and hung his head. For the first time, he dared to think of the future.

When Maxwell returns...not if, when, he insisted belligerently, we will return to our lives. I will find another small apartment that holds only the bare minimum needed, and Trowa will find another artist's studio where the ceilings are high and the windows are large. And Maxwell...Duo, he corrected himself, will go back to his life split between the Sweepers and irregular Preventer missions, spending most of his hours off-planet in the cockpit of a transport shuttle. Heero sighed, closing his eyes. 

I'll miss this, and the thought made him smile sadly. I'll miss waking up every morning to Trowa's face...and I'll miss tripping over Jade's out-flung arm as I head downstairs. I'll miss seeing them both at every meal. I'll miss Jade's caustic remarks and teasing, and I'll miss Trowa's contented smiles when we finish another project. I'll miss Trowa's body against mine, in the night, and Jade's hand in mine as we hike. 

It dawned on Heero that he could no longer figure out where his relationship with Trowa ended, and his friendship with Duo began. Somehow, the three were now one entity, even if they acted and moved through the day as sets of two, with one separate. It wasn't a bad separation, Heero decided. It was a peaceful thing, many times. There was no guilt in knowing Trowa was with Jade, because Trowa loved Jade, too, and Heero could be separate as he needed, without abandoning Trowa. 

I cannot let myself feel this way, Heero thought, slowly pushing himself up from the floor. The balance is fragile. I told Trowa I was willing to touch Jade, to bring him to climax, because it was Jade's need driving me, and not my own inclinations. If I admit now that Jade's touch...no, he whispered silently. That would break everything in a single heartbeat. No. I am not attracted to my friend. Not then, not now. 

He stood up, stretching for a second before leaving the study to find the living room dark. If I speak the wrong word, Trowa will lose his balance, too. He sought strength in me to help Jade; I can't betray him now by letting him think my actions were for any reason other than Jade's pleasure. It wasn't for mine. I have to keep the balance. Wanting Jade...wanting Maxwell, he corrected, is not acceptable. If I truly want both in my life, that's just the way it has to be. 

Sighing, he headed into the living room, turning the flames down on the hurricane lamps and heading upstairs in darkness. Passing Jade's bed, he frowned to see it was empty. Heero crept closer to his own bed, his eyes adjusting to the loft's midnight gloom. Trowa was on his side, one arm thrown over a second shape, curled up against Trowa's chest. Heero sighed and stared down at the two people he loved the most, reluctantly stripping off his clothes and crawling into a pair of sweatpants before getting under the covers. After a second, Trowa shifted in his sleep, flipping to his back and draping his hand over Heero's hip. Heero lay on his side, staring into the room's darkness, too aware of the warmth against his body, and the sounds of three people breathing.

 

 

 

Two days passed, and there was no word from Wufei or Quatre. Heero continued to practice his forms in the completed barn, and Trowa suggested a punching bag. They made plans on to order one from the sporting goods store in town. The second afternoon, all three gathered in the barn while Trowa exercised, doing handstands and flips that made Jade laugh and clap his hands. Heero smiled and nodded as Trowa showed off, but most of his mind was occupied with the sensation of Jade pressing up against him, and the sly sideways looks Jade would throw his way. He did his best to ignore everything but Trowa's movements. 

 

 

 

Tomorrow will be one week from the auction, Heero told himself, tossing laundry into the basket without sorting. No word from Wufei, and no word from Quatre. Trowa had emailed Quatre on Friday, and still not gotten a response. Heero could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up from just thinking about the silence. It wasn't like the other pilots to not keep in touch, even in the midst of a high-pressure case.

Especially in the midst of a high-pressure case, Heero thought. 

There was a tread on the steps behind him, which Heero recognized as Trowa. He didn't pause in his work, stuffing the last of the clothes into the bag before beginning to strip the sheets. Trowa moved around the bed to slip the pillows from the pillowcases, and tossed them onto the pile of sheets. 

"He still wants to be the one to do the tests," Trowa said.

Heero froze in the act of shoving the sheets into a second laundry bag. He shook his head, pushing the last of the laundry in and pulling the drawstring tight. 

"I think he believes he'll prove there's nothing to be fixed."

"What?" Heero looked up at that, frowning. "It's out of the question."

"I told him that." 

Trowa picked up one of the bags and followed Heero down the stairs. Jade was sitting on the sofa, curled up with one of the books, and didn't look up as they left the house. Outside, they threw the bags in the trunk and Heero shut it. Trowa pushed his hands into his pockets and stared down at his feet for several seconds, and Heero waited. After a minute, Trowa exhaled noisily upwards, making his bangs fly out of his face, and shrugged. Heero crossed his arms, leaning against the Jeep, and ignoring the fact that he hadn't grabbed a coat before walking outside.

"Talk to me, Trowa," he said.

"I..." Trowa pursed his lips, his eyes studying the tree line. He gave Heero a rueful glance and shook his head. "Never mind."

"Never―" Heero's tone was incredulous. "You insisted I talk to you. Now it's your turn."

"Jade..." Trowa was silent, an intent look on his face that said: I am choosing my words carefully. "There's something going on. He's planning something."

"Like?"

Trowa shrugged.

"There's got to be something to make you think that."

"It's the way he watches you." Trowa ducked his head, the sheaf of auburn hair falling his face. "I think...it's time we talk to him, about before." His lips twisted, a little, and Heero nodded, understanding the implication immediately. "I think...he's attracted to you."

Heero kept his eyes from widening only by sheer willpower, and inhaled slowly through his nose, the cold cutting the back of his throat. He studied Trowa's forest-green eyes, and the reflection those eyes held of the glittering white world around them. 

"No," Heero finally said, his voice steady. "No."

"We..." Trowa whispered, his fixed on Heero. "I allowed him to touch me, and never reciprocated. You touched him, and never allowed him to reciprocate. I think he's feeling the unfairness of that."

"That was―"

"But we still need to discuss it with him." 

Heero nodded, a little begrudgingly, and glanced at the sky. Mid-day, and it would be dark by the time he got back, he estimated. "I need to do that. We can sit down and talk about it when I get back, all three of us."

Trowa made a pleased noise in the back of his throat, a smile flitting across his face. "If you can come up with some way to convince him he's Maxwell, too..." He shrugged, and stepped back, kicking at the snow with one boot.

"If I can..." Heero's eyes narrowed, and he pushed away from the Jeep. "I should've done this before," he muttered, catching sight of Trowa's surprised expression before he threw the door open with a bang. 

Jade looked up from the sofa with a guilty expression and jumped up, dropping the book on the floor. "Masters?" The question came out as a squeak, and Jade backed up as Heero came around the sofa, a manic grin on his face. "Master," Jade repeated, his eyes wide. "Is―"

"You're Duo Maxwell."

Jade winced, and stumbled backwards. The surprised expression became a glare. "You don't know that for―"

"Duo Maxwell," Heero repeated.

"Stop that," Jade muttered, his legs almost giving out. He caught himself, and pulled upright with a hiss. "Bastard."

"Duo Maxwell." 

"Fuck," Jade cried. He was beginning to shake, and he backed up until his lower back was against the table by the wall. Jade cast a desperate look at Trowa, and then back to Heero. "You fuckin' asshole."

Heero shrugged. "You're Duo Maxwell."

"Stop that!" Jade shook his head, clutching his sides as he slowly crumpled to the ground. "Don't, please, please―"

"Then tell me one thing," Heero said, canting his head at the form huddled against the wall. He stepped forward, bending down on one knee to whisper in Jade's ear. "Why would a clone be trained to recoil at the sound of someone else's name?"

"Obviously so I'd always remember that I'm not the real one," Jade spat, his eyes flashing. Tears were caught in his lashes, and he backed up until he was nearly hidden under the table. "Damn you, fuckin' sadistic mindscrews. Trainer, you, other Master, everyone! Just fuckin' with me...cause I'll never be important like him. I'll _always_ be second-best."

Heero watched as Jade crawled further under the small table, and stood up, bowing his head for several seconds. Finally he took a deep breath, and managed a smile, if a small, somewhat bitter one. There was nothing he could say; his own decision several days before meant Jade was right, even if not in the way Jade intended. Heero turned and strode past Trowa without looking up. He grabbed his coat, took a deep breath, and left the house. 


	25. the winter moor

Only the gate  
Of the abbey is left,  
On the winter moor.   
― Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Trowa waited until the sound of the Jeep's engine died in the distance, before he was able to shake himself and step forward to kneel by the table. Jade was still huddled under the table, his arms over his head and his knees under his chin. 

"Hey," Trowa whispered. "Come out of there. We need to talk." When Jade didn't move, Trowa reached out and caught Jade by an ankle, and tugged firmly. Jade slid along the wooden floor, and Trowa smiled wryly as he pulled harder. When Jade was completely out from under the table, Trowa put his hands under Jade's arms and lifted him, glad Jade had the sense to let his legs fall. "Let's make some hot chocolate," Trowa suggested, guiding Jade into the kitchen. 

There was a scratching at the back door, and Trowa let Ifrit in with a burst of wind. The cat's hair was on end, and he stalked proudly to the food bowl, meowing angrily when he found the bowl was only half-full. Jade stood in the doorway, his arms crossed and his head down, and Trowa busied himself putting milk on to simmer and then feeding the cat. Once the bowl was full, Ifrit turned up his nose at it, and went to rub up against Jade's legs. Without seeming aware of his actions, Jade leaned down to pick up the cat, burying his nose in the cat's fur as he absently scratched Ifrit behind the ears. Trowa fixed up the French hot chocolate, and poured two mugs, and Jade followed him back into the living room. 

Trowa settled on one end of the sofa, bringing one leg up as he twisted to watch Jade at the other end. Ifrit jumped from Jade's arms to sprawl across the middle cushion, his green eyes blinking as he looked from Jade to Trowa and meowed again. Trowa chuckled and used his free hand to pet the cat for a few seconds, before leaning back against the arm. Ifrit responded by turning his back on Trowa and focusing on Jade, who let Ifrit into his lap.

"It hurts when we use your name," Trowa said.

"No," Jade started to say, then frowned.

"Duo," Trowa declared. Jade flinched, his hot chocolate sloshing, and he scowled at Trowa, who raised his eyebrows in an abbreviated shrug. Trowa kept his tone amiable. "Jade means long life, did you know that?"

Jade shook his head, one hand falling to his lap to pet Ifrit.

"I wonder if someone gave you that name because of Deathscythe," Trowa mused. "The concept of Death having a long life...probably appealed to a poetic sense. Thing is, you're not only Jade."

"I'm not Death, either."

"You're both."

Jade exhaled noisily and glared at Trowa from under his bangs. "Master, I don't know why―"

"Because it's the truth." Trowa sipped his hot chocolate, and let his gaze travel to the fire. He considered that he should get up to put another log on the fire, and decided it could wait a few minutes. "Heero and I have known you for ten years. We would know, better than anyone, whether or not you are Duo Maxwell."

Jade shivered, and a muscle in his jaw flickered.

"I wonder," Trowa said. "Do you have any memories? Anything?"

"No." Jade shrugged, and stuck a finger in his hot chocolate, stirring it a little. 

"Did the other...pets?"

"Of course." Jade paused, his expression creased as he thought about it. "At least some. I met a few who didn't remember much..." He sucked on his finger, and waved the hand in the air in a vague motion. "I don't think those pets were very smart."

Trowa made a noncommittal sound. "Perhaps we should find you another name," he suggested. 

Jade's head came up, and he gave Trowa a hopeful look. "Would you? A name, for me?" Jade's smile was tentative, but brilliant nonetheless, and Trowa's breath caught in his throat. 

"I think you should pick it," he said.

"No, no, Master," Jade replied, the smile faltering. "I want you to." He leaned forward, setting the mug down and sliding the cat off his lap. Twisting on the sofa, he crawled forward until he was stretched out, his head on Trowa's chest. "Is this okay, Master?" 

Trowa dropped one arm around Jade's shoulders, pulling him close. "Of course it's okay. And we can compromise...I'll come up with several names, and you can pick the one you like."

Jade made a face, and wriggled closer, until his head was on Trowa's shoulder. His breath was warm on Trowa's neck. "If that makes you happy, Master."

Not really, Trowa thought, running his hand up and down Jade's spine. But it'll have to do, for now.

 

 

 

The fire had almost died down when Trowa's eyes opened, feeling the weight of Jade across his chest and leg. Groaning, he lifted Jade's lax form up enough to slide out from underneath, biting the inside of his lip as pins and needles started up in the leg that had been trapped beneath Jade's body. Grunting, he stretched the muscle, stomping lightly to get the blood flow going, and bent to drop several more logs onto the fire. He watched, rearranging the logs a few times, until he was satisfied it wouldn't go out.

"You should use the poker, Master," Jade's voice called from behind him. "You'll burn your hands!"

Trowa shrugged, turning to see Jade lying on his side. His head was propped up on the arm of the sofa, and his braid was over his shoulder. It was half undone, long tendrils of hair slipping out and across his face, and he held out one hand, beckoning. 

"I'm cold now," Jade said, a teasing look flitting across his face.

"I'll get you a blanket," Trowa said with a smirk. He stood up, stretching again.

Jade stuck out his lower lip, then sighed, pulling his legs under him and twisting around on the sofa. Trowa walked to the sofa's arm and looking down as Jade came to a kneeling position, throwing his arms up to clasp around Trowa's neck, pulling Trowa down a little. 

"I liked the blanket I had," Jade whispered. 

"Technically, you were being the blanket," Trowa responded, and patted Jade's arms. "Let go, Jade. Want to play a board game? Pick one while I make more hot chocolate."

"I like this game," Jade said, clinging tighter as he pushed his face against Trowa's chest.

Trowa stiffened a little, uncertain, and took a deep breath, his hands reaching up to pry Jade's fingers loose from around his neck. "Jade, enough. Let's―"

"Master," Jade moaned. "Please, just once? One more time?"

"Just..." Trowa froze, not sure what Jade meant, and not sure he wanted to ask. "Once what?"

"Don't go," Jade begged, his voice dropping to a murmur as he stretched upwards to plant his lips against Trowa's neck. "Stay here. I want it to be like it was, before."

"Before?" Trowa's answer was a monotone, his mind struggling to follow Jade's half-spoken intentions. Distantly he allowed Jade to guide him around the sofa, sinking into the cushions with a grunt. Jade immediately clambered onto his lap, straddling him and curling up against his chest. 

"Before, when I didn't know you didn't love me," Jade answered, his fingers digging into Trowa's shirt. 

Trowa realized his arms were laying on the cushions, and he raised them to embrace Jade. His heart was hammering, and he wasn't sure why. The only thing he could register fully was Jade's words, and he set aside his instincts to consider them logically.

"I didn't, at first," he admitted, keeping his voice low and neutral. "But...I changed my mind. And...you should know, I always knew you were loveable, and worth loving." Trowa ran a hand down Jade's tangled braid, smiling a little as Jade moved against his neck.

"Do you?" The words were muffled. "You say you do, but...sometimes you frighten me, Master."

"I do?" Trowa was stunned, and confused. He pushed Jade away enough to see Jade's downcast face. "What have I done to frighten you?"

"It's the way you..." He shrugged. "I'm not good enough for you to really love me," Jade answered, his fingers tugging at the hem of Trowa's shirt.

"You're good enough, you're always―"

The rest of Trowa's words were cut off as Jade pressed his lips to Trowa's. Then a delicate pointed tongue was slipping between Trowa's lips, and he moved instinctively, letting his mouth open. Jade murmured something inaudible into his mouth, and shifted in Trowa's lap, tilting his hips against Trowa's. Trowa blinked, his eyes opening wide as he fought to push Jade gently away. Jade continued to reach into the kiss, and Trowa shuddered at the warm wetness of Jade's mouth before yanking his head backwards.

"Jade, please," he said, his voice sounding strangled to his ears. "This isn't―"

"I know," Jade said, sinking backwards to rest on Trowa's thighs. His hands dropped to his sides, and he stared downwards. "I guess I just...I'm not a very good pet."

"You are," Trowa started to say, then frowned. "You're not a pet, damn it. You're a person, and I love you for being a person."

Jade shook his head, and raised his head. Tears glittered in his eyelashes, and he dropped his gaze quickly, looking away from Trowa. "I don't know what to do, Master," he said in a softly plaintive voice. "Other Master wants me, and you don't...but you're my Master, and I―"

Trowa blinked. "What do you mean," he asked, in a slow, deliberate manner. "Heero...what?"

"Wants me," Jade said with a little frown, and ducked his head again. "But I don't love him...as much...and I was scared." He gave Trowa a bewildered look. "Did I do wrong, Master?"

"Do wrong?" Trowa echoed, dully.

"To tell him I didn't..." Jade shrugged, and leaned forward into Trowa, resting his head on Trowa's shoulder. His voice dropped to barely above a breath. "He was really insistent." 

Trowa felt sick, like he should shake himself to clear the thoughts swirling in his head. Heero had tried to force himself on Jade? Something wasn't right, but Trowa couldn't put his finger on it. True, Heero hadn't explained yet about the cause of the mutual bruises, but Trowa hadn't even considered it could be related to anything sexual. He'd figured Jade had found a chink in Heero's armor and rammed home with the insults one too many times. Given that Jade had been friendly around Heero since then, the idea of Heero being so forceful didn't make sense. 

But he had noticed Heero stealing odd looks at Jade, over the past few days. Trowa mulled that over, feeling Jade's body gradually relax against him, a comfortable, steady weight. He picked up Jade's braid, twisting it to see the red streaks of the fire's reflection in the chestnut hair. Sighing, Trowa dropped the braid and pulled Jade closer. 

"I'm sorry," he finally said. He wasn't sure what else to say, and wasn't willing to without speaking to Heero first. "It seems to me you've been friendly with him, since then."

"He's a Master, too," Jade said, sighing, and the warmth against Trowa's neck made Trowa shiver. Jade's fingers ran down Trowa's sides, swirling idly in random patterns. "But you come first." Something wet dripped on Trowa's neck, and Jade sniffled. "I don't understand, Master...I just want to make you happy."

"You make me happy," Trowa answered automatically, his mind still puzzling out Jade's comments. Reluctantly he brought the conversation back to Jade's comments. "When Heero..." He paused, uncertain how to put it. "When whatever happened..." Trowa frowned, realizing what had him the most confused. It wasn't in Jade's makeup, for the most part, to deny a Master. "What _did_ happen? Why did you say no?"

"He didn't want me to tell you," Jade whispered. "And I couldn't do that..." He raised his head, his eyes wide in the lowlight, the dark blue irises a mere thin line around huge pupils. "You're Master...and it would hurt you, if you found out." Jade ducked his head, throwing his arms around Trowa's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Master, I shouldn't have told you...please don't be mad at him..."

Mad at Heero, Trowa thought, choking a little at Jade's tight hold. Carefully he pried Jade's arms from around his neck, pushing Jade backwards until Trowa could see the other man's face. Trowa released one wrist, and pushed Jade's long bangs out of his face. 

"I want you to feel like you can talk to me," Trowa said. "I'm a friend of yours, and I love you..."

"But you love him, _really_ love Other Master," Jade responded. "I know you do, I can hear you in the morning...and if you don't have Other Master, you would be sad. I don't want you sad," he added softly. 

"I would be sad," Trowa agreed, pulling Jade close enough to plant a kiss on Jade's forehead. "But if Heero..." He stopped again, once again caught by that feeling of knowing something was out of place, but unable to put his finger on it. "Heero," he started again, then closed his mouth. 

"He makes you happy," Jade murmured, pressing closer against Trowa. He sighed, his hands beginning their path up and down Trowa's sides again. "It was wrong of me to say anything. I know he's the one you like the best."

"Well," Trowa hedged, a little uncomfortable. "I don't know if I'd use words like best or second-best. It's different."

"Different," Jade said. He nuzzled Trowa's neck just below Trowa's ear, his lips ghosting across the skin. "You deserve the best, though." 

Jade was still for several seconds, and Trowa raised an eyebrow, curious as to what Jade was thinking. Granted, Trowa told himself, it's better than when Jade didn't speak at all. But now, when he speaks, it's half-words, hints and implications. Like he's afraid of using words, that the words themselves might make something real. It didn't make a great deal of sense to Trowa, in some ways, yet intuitively it felt right. What he couldn't figure out was what Jade was afraid would be true, or real. He wondered if the two were the same thing, and knew they weren't, always.

"I've learned a lot from you, Master," Jade murmured. His fingers paused, then crept up to run along the edge of Trowa's shirt, just barely gracing the skin. "That what's really important is that the person you love is happy, even if you're not."

"Even if you're not?" Trowa frowned, slightly. "I wouldn't say that's entirely true. One shouldn't be completely self-effacing in a..." He realized he was about to say _relationship_. "...A friendship," he finished. He shifted under Jade's weight, and Jade slid to one side, one leg curled under him, the other leg stretched over Trowa's lap. Trowa let one of his hands fall to around Jade's waist, while his right hand began playing with Jade's braid again. "And I thought...your training...taught you that your Master's happiness is paramount."

"It did," Jade said. His fingers paused, then ran along Trowa's neck, tracing the tendon up to the ear and back down. "But there's a difference between what I should do, and what I really, truly _want_ to do." He leaned forward, planting a kiss at the base of Trowa's neck, where his finger had rested a second before. "I wish I could be happy, just for you. At least then..."

"At least," Trowa prompted. He realized he was holding his breath, straining to hear the next words. Perhaps then, the puzzle would fall into place and he'd be able to see the pattern. 

"It's so important to you that the people you love be happy," Jade said, and sighed, pushing his arms around Trowa's chest, to slip between Trowa and the sofa cushions. He hugged Trowa tightly. "And it must be horrible that neither of us are."

Neither, Trowa's mind repeated. He felt like a parrot, and shook his head just once. "What do you mean? Jade, look at me." Trowa leaned back, and reached to catch Jade under the chin. They were nearly nose-to-nose. 

"Other Master is miserable," Jade said, giving Trowa a sorrowful look. "And I want to be happy, too, but you don't want me to love you, so I'm sad. And Other Master wants to love me instead of you, so he's sad, too."

Heero wants...Trowa's mind was whirling. He could only stare into those mercurial blue depths, watching in distant fascination as Jade's gaze dropped, clearly studying his lips. In some far part of his brain, Trowa knew what was happening. Jade's eyes slid closed, and Jade tilted his head, pressing his lips against Trowa's, that warm tongue once again slipping into Trowa's mouth, prodding gently, seeking entrance. Trowa couldn't breathe, and couldn't think, beyond the simple idea that he had not been making Heero happy. His mouth was opening without his awareness, and he was returning the touch automatically, instinctively. His mind continued to reel, replaying Jade's words, as he fought to logically deny or agree. Trowa's eyes closed, and he moved his head, his hands gripping Jade's waist tightly as Jade shifted to straddle his lap again. 

Jade pressed closer, tilting his hips, and Trowa nearly groaned at the blessed pressure against his groin. Heero, he thought, feeling as though everything around him was happening without his control, and he was lost, spinning. Heero was unhappy, and worse yet, Trowa hadn't known it, hadn't thought to ask, and hadn't even thought to notice. Slim fingers plucked at Trowa's shirt, and the kiss broke off long enough for Jade to pull Trowa's shirt over his head. Trowa allowed it, his eyes half-closed, his mind dazed as nimble lips and warm mouth kissed him fiercely, then ran down his neck to his chest. Jade was curled over, his fingers clenching and massaging Trowa's shoulders and hip, as his mouth latched onto a nipple and began to suckle. 

Trowa arched his back, gasping. Why didn't Heero say anything? Have I been so blind? So willing to accept that things were fine, the way they were, and not look past my own satisfaction? Faintly he could feel that same instinct nudging to the surface, but it was overwhelmed by the sensation of a finger slipping between his jeans and his skin, searching. Jade shifted on Trowa's lap, pulling back as he slid down Trowa's legs to perch on Trowa's knees.

"Jade," Trowa gasped, feeling Jade's cool hand pull the button open and slip beneath his shirt. A heartbeat later Jade's hand was around Trowa's half-hard cock, and Trowa's eyes flew open. This isn't, he thought, but he couldn't formulate the words. Then Jade's mouth was on his again, and the kiss drowned out all thought. 

Jade's hand tightened, and Trowa's hips bucked involuntarily. No, Trowa thought, Heero wouldn't... The thoughts ran away from him, pushed back by the wet mouth against his, the hand on his chest, plucking at his nipples, and the hand inside his jeans, coaxing him into a frantic energy. Jade was murmuring sounds into Trowa's mouth, and Trowa swallowed them helplessly. Heero has been watching Jade, and I thought it was only... Trowa moaned as Jade's hand increased its pace, and he pulled away from the kiss to rest his head on the back of the sofa. Jade came up on his knees, hovering over Trowa, and Trowa closed his eyes. He wasn't sure whether to stop or to continue, unable to find his bearings long enough to choose. 

Emotions were always my weakness, he thought numbly, and there's no logic in passion. 

Jade was moving, one hand still down Trowa's jeans, but releasing him long enough to pull the jeans back, exposing Trowa. There was the sensation of weight lifting off Trowa, then settling back down, and Trowa opened his eyes to see Jade poised above him, heavy lids watching him with a pleased look. Jade's hand was back on Trowa's cock, and Trowa could feel himself bumping against something. Jade's eyes closed, and Trowa watched in fascination as Jade bit his lower lip, then gasped. Trowa's eyes went wide, as he was pushed into Jade. He groaned at the sensation, and immediately rebelled.

"No!" He sat up, his hands around Jade's waist, lifting him upwards. "No, Jade, no, no," he repeated, unable to speak coherently. His entire body was quivering, feeling the deprivation harshly. "No," he said, feeling a sob catch in his throat.

"Master," Jade cried, his expression panicked. His hands landed on Trowa's shoulders, and he wriggled, trying to sink back down onto Trowa's lap. His sweatpants were missing, and Trowa absently wondered how Jade had removed them one-handed. "Master," Jade said again, desperately, when Trowa didn't respond. "Please, we can be happy―"

Trowa froze. He watched as Jade's eyes grew large, and Jade began to shake, his arms pulling ineffectually at Trowa's grasp on his waist. Trowa realized he was growling, and with a tremendous shove, his stood up, pushing Jade backwards. Jade yelped as he ran into the low table. Trowa shook him a little, and Jade whimpered, tugging more frantically at Trowa's hold.

"You," Trowa snarled, then stopped, trying to contain the fury rising in him. With those simple words, everything had fallen into place, and he could see straight through to Jade's intentions. "You are _not_ going to separate me from Heero," he said flatly. "If you want to remain in this house, you will have to accept this as fact." He laughed, a barking sound, and released Jade. "Put on your pants, Jade, and... Damn it, I don't care. Just stay out of my sight." 

Trowa bent over, grabbing the sweatpants from the floor, and threw them at Jade. He grabbed his shirt and yanked it over his head, letting it fall down to cover himself. He turned to leave but stopped, as though a thought had just occurred to him, and glanced over his shoulder at the shocked look on Jade's face. Trowa gave another bitter laugh. 

"And you accused _us_ of mind games." 

With that, Trowa headed for the study, shutting the door firmly behind him. 

 

 

 

It was several minutes before Trowa could manage a deep breath, pulling himself together long enough to tuck himself back into his jeans, zip up, and stalk across the room to collapse into the chair. Purely out of habit, he reached forward and flipped on the computer, watching as it ran through its opening program. He felt drained, and in some ways, mildly surprised. 

I thought I would hurt more, he mused. Jade nearly manipulated me...and yet, there's truth in what he says, but it's all a matter of phrasing. He chuckled, understanding why Heero had laughed that other day. Because if I don't, Trowa told himself, the only other option is tears. 

He clicked on the email program, waiting as it dialed into the local 'net and began downloading. Most of it was spam, but Trowa's mouse arrow hovered over an incoming mail from Quatre. One week, Trowa thought, since the sting operation. Better be a damn good reason for the radio silence, he thought. He clicked on the mail.

Trowa was about to read it when there was a soft scratching sound at the door. Sighing, he pushed away from the desk, flinging the door open, ready to yell at the cat. He blinked, looking down at Jade's naked body, the hair unbraided and spilling over the floor. Jade's hands were clasped behind his back, his forehead pressed to the floor, and he was shaking. For a heartbeat, Trowa tensed, rearing back when it dawned on him he'd been about to sink to his knees to reassure Jade. 

Fuck that, he thought. I'm not going to be played again.

"Put your damn clothes on and leave me the fuck alone," Trowa snapped. 

Jade's head lifted, and Trowa shut the door. Breathing heavily, he leaned against it, raising one hand to stare at its shaking, then rubbed his forehead. He let his head fall back against the door, his hand dropping to his side. The scratching sound came again, and Trowa gritted his teeth, refusing to give Jade the benefit of attention.

"Master," came the soft voice. "I'm sorry...please, I was bad, please...don't go away, Master, don't make me go away, please..." 

The pleading hiss trailed off, and Trowa listened as something heavy settled against the door. The scratching sound came again, fading into a faint brushing sound that made Trowa wonder if Jade had begun stroking the wood instead. 

"Please," the whisper came, so quiet Trowa had to hold his breath to hear it. Jade's voice was thick with tears, and Trowa scowled, unwilling to fall prey to Jade's games one more time. "Master...punish me, please, and that'll make it better, right? I was..." The voice choked, and was quiet for a minute, then picked up again. "I'd do it myself if I just knew what you'd want me to do, if that would make it better...I want to be better...I just wanted...I just wanted to love you...Anything, please, just don't make me go away...please..." 

Trowa gritted his teeth and strode back to the desk chair, sitting down heavily and leaning forward to focus on the email. He considered connecting to 'net radio, but realized he could no longer hear Jade's faint whispers. Growling under his breath in frustration, he dragged his attention back to Quatre's email. He scanned it quickly, and felt his heart skip a beat. Leaning his elbows on the desk, he buried his face in his hands as his shoulders began to shake. 

Tears dripped down between his fingers, splashing the desk's surface. 

 

 

 

Trowa was vaguely aware of the Jeep's engine outside the house, and the front door opening and closing, but he didn't pick his head up from the desk. He wondered if Jade had gotten dressed. He wondered if Heero would come find him. He decided he didn't care about either, and thus didn't bother to open his eyes or raise his head, even when the study door opened and closed with a gentle snick.

"Tro?" Heero's voice was puzzled, and a second later there were two hands on Trowa's shoulder. "What's―"

He fell silent, and Trowa could feel Heero leaning over him, heard the click of the keyboard bringing the screen back to life. He heard the hiss of a sharp intake as Heero read the email. Trowa didn't raise his head. He felt empty, useless, and helpless. 

"Holy fucking mother of god," Heero breathed. He backed away, removing his hands from Trowa, and his footsteps echoed as he stumbled, pacing the room like a caged beast. "Holy fucking..." 

Trowa still couldn't respond. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Fifteen," Heero said, his voice choked. "How could...those fucking bastards...god damn it." 

The words made the email come back to Trowa's mind, and he squeezed his eyes tight, as though it could block out the words playing in his memory. It didn't work.

... _the investigating officers were forced to imprint to get the victims to cooperate_... _Wufei imprinted twenty-two, I imprinted twenty-three_... _Every day, every minute, focused on dealing with the victims_... 

Trowa groaned, moving a little to press his ear against his arm. It did nothing to block out the sound in his head.

Five officers shared the burden of one hundred seventeen victims. Trowa struggled to sit up, twisting in the chair to see Heero in the middle of the room, his head hanging down, his hands lax at his side. One hundred seventeen Jades, terrified and desperate. 

"Heero," Trowa murmured, climbing unsteadily to his feet. Heero shook, but didn't speak.

... _nineteen suicide attempts in the first five days_... _fifteen successful_....

"Heero," Trowa repeated, reaching out with one hand. Heero spun under his grasp, lifting his face to reveal tear tracks etched on his cheeks. 

... _I lost three_... _Wufei lost two_... _Noin lost four_... 

"Heero," Trowa called again, and suddenly Heero was against him, clutching him tightly. He swayed with the impact, a sob rising in his throat.

... _Pearl died of massive heart failure as the second round of therapy tests began_... _Tiger made it to the third round, before his body went into coronary arrest_... _Amber died fifteen minutes after the first test began, from a possible contraindication_...

"All of them..." Heero started to say, and shuddered. 

Trowa couldn't speak. He could only cling tightly, and wait for something to catch him.

... _Tests continue despite our protests_...

 

 

 

Trowa had no idea how long they remained there, but eventually they both pulled away, as if understanding the need for space. They didn't move apart farther. Trowa let his hands drop to his sides, uncertain. 

I have to, he told himself. He twitched his head to get his bangs out of his eyes, and waited until Heero's gaze rose to meet his.

"Jade tried to seduce me," he said. His voice wavered, and he took a sharp breath. "And I almost let him."

Heero's face was inscrutable. 

"He said..." Trowa swallowed hard. "He said you'd tried to force yourself on him...and didn't want me to know about it."

"Jade―" Heero's eyes narrowed, and his brows came down in a hard line. "I'd say it's the opposite."

"Why didn't you tell me," Trowa asked, and wondered if he sounded like he was begging. He felt like he was drifting, cut completely loose. "He manipulated me...and I had no defense, because I didn't know―"

"I should have told you," Heero admitted, his gaze dropping for a second before coming back up to meet Trowa evenly. "But...I _am_ attracted to him."

Trowa felt like he'd been punched. He took a step back, and closed his eyes, trying to steady himself. It was like floating in space, he thought, or drifting in deep water. There is no real direction of up, he thought, bemused that he could find it even remotely amusing. 

"I am not going to act on that," Heero continued after a pause. "I...I want you both to be happy, and I'll do anything for that...except sacrifice our relationship." 

"To be happy," Trowa muttered. He figured the look on his face was odd, given Heero's puzzled reaction. "Jade's argument was that I've not been making you happy...that you think you'd be happier with him."

"No," Heero protested, stepping forward.

"Would you?" Trowa shook his head. "Ten years, damn it. I'm not ignorant! I know there was always attraction. But if it's going to happen, why'd you make me hear it from him?"

"I didn't―" Heero stopped, backing up a pace and turning slightly, facing away from Trowa. His shoulders were hunched, his fists clenched tightly. "I'm not going to be happy with him, and I'm not going to be attracted to him. Yes," he said, turning his head to stare at Trowa intently. "I've always had an attraction for my best friend. But that creature is _not my best friend_!" 

In the wake of Heero's shout, the room's silence was eerie. Trowa could hear his blood rushing in his ears, and feel his heart pounding madly within his chest.

"I see him," Heero continued, his eyes boring into Trowa, "and sometimes I think it's Duo. Yes, god, yes, I am attracted to him. But I am not going to act on it. Not then, despite his pressure...but if you want to know, _yes_ , I was tempted." Heero's face was twisted in anger, although Trowa couldn't tell if it was towards him or turned inwards. Heero turned his head away, crossing his arms. "But it's not enough that he's not my friend, not yet. Even if he were, that still wouldn't be enough..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "...To risk losing what I have with you."

Trowa sighed, feeling the hurt and anger drain away with Heero's words. "I was tempted, too...I don't know why. I have no excuses. Everything he said...he wants just me." He frowned, turning that over in his head, and realized he wasn't entirely correct. "Jade wants one of us...either of us. He just wants someone for himself."

"Well, he can't have me," Heero snapped. 

"I'd say I pretty much said the same thing," Trowa said, a bit wryly. "I was...oh, shit. Heero, I'm sorry." He could feel the momentary calm slipping away, and his breath hitched. "I almost...I just didn't care. I was so thrown by the thought that you've been miserable and I couldn't tell, that..."

"We're both fucked-up," came the dry reply. 

Trowa laughed quietly. "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what to think, or say, or do. Our best friends are either collapsing under the pressure of dealing with death and desperation, and our other best friend..." He stopped, and frowned, thinking. "Was Jade outside the door when you got home?"

Heero shook his head. "He'd better be making himself scarce if he's going to keep up these tricks." He sighed, and his irritated expression dropped away to reveal pure vulnerability. "Tro...I thought he was doing better. I really did. I wanted to think he was...becoming Duo. I didn't see..."

"Neither did I," Trowa said, and shrugged. He lowered his head, until his hair covered his face. "I am attracted to him, too. There's a great deal about him that's...magnetic. But..." He raised his head, peering at Heero from under the sheaf of hair partially blocking the view. "I feel like he's punishing us. Or maybe not realizing it, but he's angry. Nothing we've said or done was what he's expected."

"Nothing of what he's said or done would be anything I'd expect of Duo," Heero pointed out, his mouth twisting unhappily. "Fuck."

"Yeah."

They were silent for several minutes, until Heero roused himself. 

"Let's go get him, and then we should all talk." 

Trowa nodded, following Heero from the study. He wasn't sure what they'd say, but the major aftershocks had cleared his system. We simply need to sit down and discuss what's going on, Trowa told himself, feeling a cold ache settle into his bones as he checked the kitchen. 

He turned in the doorway to see Heero coming down the stairs. Trowa raised his eyebrows in a silent question, and Heero shook his head, grabbing his coat and heading outside. Trowa followed, glancing around at the gathering twilight and the darkness under the trees. Ahead of him, Heero had thrown the barn door open and moved into the depths, returning only a second later with a flashlight in one hand. His expression was bleak.

Jade was nowhere to be found.


	26. the water jar

Awakened at midnight  
By the sound of the water jar  
Cracking from the ice   
― Matsuo Basho

 

 

 

Heero pulled the second flashlight from his pocket and handed it to Trowa. "Gloves," he said, and Trowa nodded, following him into the house.

"Liddie," Trowa said, heading past him into the kitchen. A minute or two later, Trowa returned, shaking his head. His meaning was clear: Liddie hadn't seen Jade, and Heero nodded as he buttoned up his zipped up his parka and tucked in the ends of his scarf. Trowa nudged him, and Heero looked up to see Jade's black coat hanging over the last hook. 

"Fuck," Heero whispered, and tore the door open, flashlight clicking on as he strode into the snow.

 

 

 

It took five minutes to circle the clearing's edges, from the field, past the buried snowman and the Jeep, behind the barn, and around behind the house again. No footprints disturbed a light snowfall from two days previous, although older prints were still visible from when Heero and Jade had gone hiking the week before.

"No," Trowa moaned, a strangled sound behind Heero. They had come around past the back porch to see the tracks of fresh prints heading down the mountainside. 

Heero sighed and glanced up at the moon, three-quarters full. He clicked off the flashlight and shoved it into his back pocket, tugging his gloves up sharply before setting off down the hill. Trowa did the same, falling into step behind him as their eyes adjusted to the early evening glow of the snow. It made the world a strange gray, and the purplish sky between the bare branches made Heero think of Jade's eyes.

We fucked up, he thought, his mind's voice flat against the crunching of their boots in the crisp snow. The footing was treacherous on the downhill path, and he was glad of Trowa's quick grasp on his shoulder once or twice. The former acrobat was having no trouble keeping his balance, and the awareness made a smile creep to Heero's lips despite the circumstances.

_I_ fucked up, he thought, and sighed. Is there anything we've done right? He didn't have time to finish berating himself, as they stepped from the path onto the snow-covered deer track that ran alongside the creek. Trowa gasped, and was pushing past Heero, flying towards the creek. Heero, startled, halted for a second, and bolted, directly behind Trowa.

The two sitting rocks were silhouetted in the moonlight, the creek's rapids burbling loudly despite patches of snow and ice in the calmer parts. Heero could see a third shape, sitting farther into the water, and suddenly it was masked by Trowa's body. Trowa had run straight into the creek, splashing the water up past his knees. Heero could barely make out Trowa's inarticulate cries as he leaned over, lifting the dark shape. Trowa's legs nearly buckled under him as he turned.

Heero's heart stopped, then started, as he waited on the shore, his arms out. Trowa fell to his knees, still half in the water as Heero caught Jade and set him down gently on the snowy ground. Jade's face was gray and waxen under the moon's cold light. Heero swore, as Trowa crawled from the water, crouching on the bank while he helped Heero pull Jade's sweatshirt off. Heero had his parka unzipped and Trowa raised Jade enough for Heero to get the jacket over Jade's shoulders and zip it up. Heero toed off his boots and pulled the socks from his feet, slipping his feet back into his boots and tying them quickly. Last, he pulled off his gloves, and he and Trowa rammed them over Jade's stiff fingers.

"Oh, god," Trowa cried softly. His eyes glinted as he looked up at Heero with a desperate look. "Pulse weak, but there." 

"Roger," Heero said automatically, and slipped his arm under Jade's legs, the other arm around Jade's back. 

Jade's head lolled, and Heero grunted, thinking twice about flipping Jade over his shoulder as he recalled his annual Preventers class in emergency medical issues. The heart is particularly delicate, he remembered the instructor saying, when it's been under severe stress such as hypothermia or significant blood loss. Trowa pulled off Jade's boots and wet socks, replacing them with Heero's dry socks. 

"Enough," Heero said, and lifted Jade gently in his arms, cradled against his chest. Trowa went ahead, and Heero followed.

The return trip took too long, and yet seemed faster than coming down, Heero thought, and wondered why that might be. Jade's weight was heavy in his arms. Even Heero's strong metabolism was starting to feel the effects of Jade's wet pants soaking into his left arm. Trowa's teeth were chattering badly, but it was Jade's silence that had Heero the most worried. He struggled to remember everything about hypothermia that he could recall. 

Danger signs include intense shivering, numbness in the extremities, lack of coordination, and sleepiness, the memory stated calmly in Heero's head. May also include difficulty speaking, disorientation, and amnesia. In the silence and bitter cold, the instructor's words were tinged with a sudden blackly humorous edge that had Heero choking back a desperate laugh.

Amnesia, he thought. Well, we've got that one covered.

 

 

 

Trowa ran ahead as he got to the top of the path, grabbing several logs from the woodpile and dashing into the house, the boots and sweatshirt dropped unceremoniously by the wood stack. Heero hefted Jade's weight in his arms one more time, juggling Jade gently until his head was more securely against Heero's shoulder, and quickened his pace into a fast jog.

The bath water was running as Heero elbowed the front door open, kicking it closed behind him. Trowa stood up from the fireplace, his soaked clothes scattered about on the floor. He headed for Heero, taking Jade from Heero's arms, oblivious to his nudity as he headed into the bathroom. Heero immediately pulled off the soaked sweater and shirt. He kicked off his boots, wriggling his toes to get feeling back as he followed Trowa.

Jade was laid out on the bathroom floor, and there was barely enough room for Trowa alongside the pale body. Heero took the parka Trowa handed him, and threw it into the living room without looking. Kneeling down, he pulled off Jade's socks as Trowa struggled with the sweatpants. Between the two of them, they managed to get Jade unclothed, and together lifted him into the lukewarm water. Jade made no sound, and Heero pulled an eye open and waved a hand, looking for pupil reaction. There was none, and Heero shuddered.

"Mirror," Trowa said, sluicing the water over Jade's body as the tub slowly filled. He knocked the hot water tap, while Heero dug through the medicine cabinet for a small traveling mirror Trowa always kept. He handed it to Trowa, who held it over Jade's mouth. Trowa handed it back to Heero with a satisfied nod.

"Thermometer," Heero said, handing Trowa the instrument. He watched as Trowa switched the thermometer on, and held it inside Jade's ear canal for several seconds, until it beeped.

"Eighty-seven," Trowa said, sinking back on his heels with a sigh.

"Thank god," Heero breathed, his legs suddenly shaky. It wasn't below eighty-six, the true danger level that would require medical knowledge and equipment they didn't have. Heero sat down on the edge of the bath, taking over from Trowa in supporting Jade's head above water. "Clothes," he added, and gave Trowa a tentative smile. He raised his eyebrows when Trowa blushed deeply. "Go on," Heero told him. "I don't want to have to deal with both of you at once."

"Sure," Trowa responded, but his tone was brighter. He leaned his head back, exhaling deeply, then stood in a single graceful move that took Heero's breath away. Trowa paused long enough to brush his knuckles against Heero's hand, and headed into the living room. 

Five minutes later he was back, dressed in warmer clothing, with a blanket and extra towels. 

"More blankets on the sofa," he said, and Heero nodded. 

"Eighty-nine," Heero told him, clicking off the thermometer and setting it back in his lap. 

The tub was nearly full, and steam was rising from the water. Jade's cheeks and fingers were starting to lose the bluish tint, but his skin was still too white under the water's surface. Trowa turned off the water, then pushed up one sleeve, reaching down into the water to take Jade's hand. He ran his fingers over the knuckles, and Heero watched, curious, as Trowa gripped the tub's edge with his free hand. 

"Jade," Trowa whispered. "Please, don't ever scare me like that again." 

Tears were tracking down his face, dripping into the tub water as he leaned over to kiss Jade's pale forehead. Heero cradled Jade's head, letting it slip down until only Jade's face was above the surface. Trowa sighed, closing his eyes as the tears continued to fall. Heero leaned over, realizing for the first time there were tears on his own cheeks, finally defrosting in the bathroom's warmth. New tears joined them as Heero waited anxiously for Jade to move.

"Shit," Trowa suddenly said. 

His tone wasn't panicked, but reverent. Heero glanced at Trowa, then down at Jade, his own breath catching in his teeth with a hiss. Jade's eyes were half-open. Heero leaned over, his tears falling faster, blurring the image of Jade's eyes tracking his movements. The eyelids fluttered, and Jade's hand twitched in Trowa's grasp.

"Oh, god, Duo," Trowa said, putting his other hand on Jade's cheek, alongside Heero's hand. Trowa made a strange sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "Now we _know_ it's you. Only you would run and hide..."

The body in the tub was still for several heartbeats, and then suddenly Jade's mouth opened widely as he gasped, almost like a fish caught out of water. His eyes opened, staring up at Heero, the pupils dilated, and he thrashed a little, panting desperately for air. Trowa shoved his hands down into the water, grabbing Jade's hands. Heero pulled Jade up to a sitting position, and Jade arched his back, clawing at Trowa's grasp. Then, just as suddenly, he went limp, his eyelids slowly dropping. Heero looked over Jade's head at Trowa, who was gaping. 

"Temperature," Trowa said, his hands moving to support Jade's head. He was soaked up to the armpits, but didn't seem to notice. 

Heero scrambled for the thermometer in his lap, his fingers fumbling as he found the switch and placed it in Jade's ear. He lost track of his own heartbeats, rapidly fluttering in his chest as he waited for the little machine to beep. When it did, he nearly dropped the thermometer from his hands shaking too hard.

"Ninety-one," he said. 

"Sofa," Trowa replied. 

Between the two of them, they got Jade from the tub and patted him down with the towels. Heero held Jade upright, Jade's head resting on Heero's shoulder, as Trowa wrapped the unconscious man in a blanket and lifted him carefully. Heero moved around them in the living room, laying the blankets out and stoking the fire as Trowa settled Jade on the sofa. Three more blankets were laid over Jade, and Trowa stood up, looking at his wet shirt and sweater with an irritated expression. 

"I guess I should change again," he muttered. "I'll bring you a shirt," he added, regarding Heero's bare chest with amusement.

"Tea," Heero replied, and both men nodded.

Several minutes later, they were back in the living room. Trowa settled in under Jade's feet, while Heero slid under Jade's head. Trowa handed him a pillow, and Heero tucked it under Jade's head, twitching the blankets until they were up around Jade's chin. Heero sighed, pulling Jade's wet hair out and wrapping it in a dry towel. He looked over to see Trowa staring at Jade's still face.

"Eighteen total," Heero whispered.

He looked down at Jade's slack jaw. There was more color, now, and the skin wasn't nearly as cool or clammy. Heero absently brushed the damp bangs from Jade's face and adjusted the blankets again. Jade's breathing was deep and even, and Heero leaned forward to get his mug from the table. Sipping it, he winced at the hot liquid, and set it back down. 

"We should've said more," Heero murmured, chancing a look at Trowa.

Trowa looked away, a line between his brows as he studied the roaring fire, his mug grasped in both hands. "Do you think that would've―"

"Yes," Heero interjected. "We told them so little." 

"How were they to know if it was only Jade, or endemic of a larger likelihood?" Trowa shook his head. "Giving them information would have meant the sources would be revealed in debriefing, and there's no way I will regret keeping Jade from those doctors."

"If we'd talked more, they would have at least seen the true effect this had on us," Heero insisted. "They could've planned better, instead of going in with only five in the front line inspection. They could've known to have sedatives, rather than imprint."

"No," Trowa said. He set his mug on the table and reached under the blankets, rubbing Jade's feet as he spoke. "I still think it's a horrendous thing, but we're talking about the Preventers. They barely have the budget for new staplers. The only way they would've gotten a hundred-plus sedative injectors would have been if we'd shown up and paraded Jade around to demonstrate just how bad it would really be." 

"We were selfish," Heero replied, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "We were thinking only of protecting Maxwell, when we should've thought of what knowledge Jade had, that could have been used to prepare the Preventers for the investigation. Not floor plans or processes," he added, forestalling the comment he knew Trowa would make, "but the psychological state, the frame of mind..."

"They knew more than us," Trowa said. "They had the records, the statements from that woman...they were giving _us_ information. What could Jade possibly have provided, other than a chance to study him under a microscope? I wouldn't do that to him. If he ever comes back..."

"Then we need to be able to tell him we did the right thing."

"I've been a hero and a murderer, sometimes in the same day," Trowa replied. "I don't think there is such a thing as the right thing to do. It's all dependent on who's making the statement, and how far they're removed from the event by time or proximity."

Heero snorted. "Fine. Question is, can you live with everything we've done?"

Trowa was silent for several minutes, and Heero finally turned his head, opening his eyes to see his lover's gaze resting on Jade's sleeping face. After a pause, Trowa raised his gaze to meet Heero's, steadily and with conviction.

"Yes." He sighed. "When it's all stacked up, one against the other, I'll live with what I did, and pay the consequences."

"So," a third voice interrupted. 

Heero looked down to see Jade's eyes halfway open, regarding Trowa with a thoughtful look. He couldn't say anything, too unexpectedly joyful at hearing Jade's voice again.

"Why..." Jade sighed, his eyes closing for a second, before opening again to stare at Trowa. "Did you and I almost have sex?"

"I..." Trowa's eyebrows were arched, and he frowned a little. "Yes, but I didn't want―"

"Don't tell me you're not attracted to me," Jade retorted, his expression mildly smug. "Give me the truth."

"Because you're not...you're not you," Trowa finally said. "I won't be with someone who's not aware of who they are. It means all your reasons and motivations are suspect, because you're not operating with full knowledge."

"And if I were me?" Jade moved, under the blankets, and sighed again, his eyes closing.

"I'd still have to think about it," Trowa murmured, his cheeks a little pink. "I mean...I'm with Heero. I won't be with someone else, not when I'm already with him."

Jade nodded, then craned his neck to look up at Heero. He shifted under the blankets, then halted the motion with a soft sigh. His eyes closed for several minutes, and Heero waited, puzzled. Finally Jade moved again, and his eyes slid open to stare up at Heero.

"And you? Didn't you...you touched me..." He frowned, a thin line between his brows. "But did we..."

"No. Doesn't mean I didn't want to," Heero choked out. He tensed, waiting for Trowa's response, but when none came, he took a breath to relax, meeting Jade's deep blue eyes with an even stare. "But Trowa's right. It's not fair to take advantage of you, just because your training tells you that you should want something. When you're my friend again, then..." He faltered, uncertain how to put it, and looked up to see Trowa's sympathetic gaze, and the rueful twist of Trowa's lips. Heero looked down at Jade. "When you come back, when you remember...then we'll deal with whatever happens. But until then, the answer will always be no."

"We still love you," Trowa added, his tone gentle. "But love and sex aren't the same thing."

"No, they're not," Jade answered, and his tone was reasonable, if a touch laconic. "But then, I always knew you were an honorable man, Trowa." He closed his eyes, a little smile tugging at the corner of his lips, and a second later he was asleep again.

Heero grinned wryly, and brushed the drying hair out of Jade's face. 

"Maybe the cold water knocked some sense into him," Trowa said. He looked embarrassed, but pleased.

"I don't know what did it," Heero said, "but something's different."

"What?"

" _Trowa_ ," Heero said, a bit exasperated. He rolled his eyes, as a huge grin burst across his face. "He called you _Trowa._ " 

 

 

 

Heero shook himself, aware that several long minutes had passed, possibly more. Glancing over his shoulder at the clock, he was startled to see it was nearly nine o'clock, yet his body felt as though it were past midnight. Flicking the switch on the thermometer one last time, he checked Jade's temperature and gave Trowa another grin, bordering on goofy.

"Ninety-five," he said, and set the thermometer on the sofa's arm. "I'm ready for bed, but he still needs to warm up some more."

"Too bad the sofa doesn't pull out," Trowa observed, not moving.

"Does it?" Heero glanced over at Trowa, making sure not to crush Jade's head against his chest as he twisted to study the back. "How can you tell?"

"Under the cushions," Trowa explained. He leaned over, pulling up the blankets and pushing his hand under the middle cushion. "If it did, there'd be a―" His eyes went wide, and he started to laugh. "Well, what the hell. It is a sofa bed."

"All this time we dealt with a cold bedroom when we could've slept down here?" Heero shook his head. "So what do we do?"

"First, get Jade off the bed."

"I hate that name."

"What?" Trowa stopped, halfway through the action of lifting Jade's feet to get out from under the blankets. "What brought on that comment?"

"Just sick of it," Heero said. "Sick of seeing him and calling him something else...like it lets him keep thinking he's just a damn copy."

Trowa's face was a mixture of emotions, and he finally shook his head. "Strange." He paused, a line flickering between his brow, and smiled. "I told Jade he needed a new name...he wouldn't pick one, but I said I'd come up with several and he could pick which one he liked best, then." He stood up, carefully rearranging the blankets around Jade's feet, and stretched. "Guess it's time?"

Heero nodded. "Maybe...I hope. But what do we call this new Jade?"

"I don't know. I couldn't think of anything, really...and haven't had much of a chance."

"I can..." Heero paused, considering the word that had just popped into his head, and gave Trowa a shy smile. "But I guess it can wait until he wakes up again. Let me get him up, and I'll help you set up the bed."

Trowa waved him away with one hand. "Just lift him out of the way, and I'll make the bed."

 

 

 

Heero regarded the living room with a sigh of long-suffering patience before slipping under the blanket to join Trowa and Jade. Trowa's clothes were still scattered across the floor, and Heero's parka was laying by the table. Boots lay haphazardly by the door, and the sofa cushions had been tossed to behind the sofa, with the low table pulled over to the side and pushed up against one of the wingback chairs. More wood was stacked by the fire to dry, and the fire itself was roaring, heating the living room to a blissful level even without the benefit of every blanket piled on the bed.

"You are not going to be straightening up," Trowa said, his voice muffled by the blankets pulled up around him. "Go to sleep."

"I was just―" Heero started to say, but Trowa cut him off.

"I saw where you were looking." Trowa grinned at him over Jade's still form. 

Heero made a skeptical noise and moved closer to Jade's body, sliding his hand across Jade's bare chest until it laid over Trowa's ribs. Trowa, in return, propped his head up on his fist, his arm across Jade, his hand on Heero's elbow. The two of them looked down at Jade's sleeping form, and Heero caught himself smiling again. Trowa inhaled sharply, and Heero looked down to see Jade's eyes were open again.

"Mmm," Jade said, his teeth chattering a little as he opened his mouth. "Cold."

"Temperature's coming up, and your body's reacting," Heero explained. "How do you feel otherwise? We can make some tea."

"Temperature?" Jade gave Heero a sleepily annoyed look, and wrinkled his nose. "Coffee?"

"It's time for bed," Trowa pointed out. "Now is the last time you need coffee."

"Beer?"

Heero blinked. "Beer?" He shook his head curtly. "If you're thirsty, it's warm liquids for you, not cold." 

"Heat it in the microwave," Jade muttered, his eyes closing as he snuggled down in the blankets.

"Microwave," Trowa repeated, incredulous. "First, we don't have a microwave. Second, warm _beer_?"

"Bullshit," Jade said, laughing softly, and wriggled a bit more, nuzzling his face against the blankets. "Everybody has a microwave. Can't make dinner without 'em."

Heero opened his mouth to say something, but saw the line form between Jade's brows. Jade's eyes opened, narrowed, and he glanced from Heero to Trowa and then back again, looking suspicious.

"I'm naked," he murmured, as though surprised by this news.

"It's the best way to warm you up," Trowa said. He brought a hand out from under the covers and tapped Jade on the nose. "Don't get any ideas."

"Who said I was getting ideas?" Jade closed his eyes, and yawned, then smacked his lips a few times. "A part of me thinks it's heaven. Crazy, hunh." He shivered, and a hand slipped up from the covers to tug at the necklace as he made a face at Heero. "Someone get this off me or I'm going to end up with nothing but a big knotted hunk of―" He stopped, registering Trowa's and Heero's stunned expressions. "What? Is there something on my nose?" Slim fingers poked out from under the blankets to rub his nose. 

"Duo..." Heero could barely breathe the name.

"Ow," Duo said, flinching. His eyes shut, and he swallowed hard. "Something just shocked me."

Trowa's hand was on the pendant, and Heero looked down to see Trowa's hand was shaking badly. Several tears splashed onto Trowa's hand, and Heero realized they were his own. Duo looked up at the two of them, bewildered, and craned his neck so Trowa could get to the pendant's latch. Trowa lifted the necklace in his hand, and the pendant caught the fire's reflection, turning crimson. Duo made a face at the pendant, then gave Heero a strange look as more tears hit his shoulder.

"What...Heero? Why are you crying?"

Heero opened his mouth to say something, but all he could do was laugh. Duo's eyes opened wide, and he glanced at Trowa, who could only shake his head. Tears were pouring down Trowa's face, and he clutched the pendant in his hand, and bent his head to lay it on Duo's shoulder.

"Oh, god, oh, god," was all Trowa could manage to say. 

"You two are acting pretty damn weird," Duo muttered.

"Not Jade." Heero's laughter calmed as the sobs took over. "Duo, oh, Duo," he said, and threw his arm over Trowa's shoulder, slipping his other arm under Jade to hug them both.

"Fuck, Heero," Duo retorted. "Your electrical blanket's short-circuited and it's zapping the hell out of me. And I think it's frying your brain cells, too." He struggled a bit in Heero's grasp, and Heero clung tighter as Trowa continued to mumble under his breath. Duo lifted his head a bit, came nose to nose with Heero, and rolled his eyes. "Hey, guys...having trouble breathing here."

Trowa raised his head, laughing, and Heero relaxed his hold, catching Trowa's laughter and echoing back. Duo's baffled expression and wide eyes only made them both laugh harder, and Trowa wrapped his arms around Duo, hugging him tightly again. 

"Whatever you guys are on," Duo muttered, "it's rude to not share."

"Duo," Heero whispered.

"Ow," Duo said. 

"Maxwell," Heero amended.

" _What_?" Duo huffed. 

"You're back." 

The room was silent, except for Trowa sniffling, and Duo stared at Heero for a long time. He yawned, his eyes closing from the effort, opening them again to stare at Heero before shaking his head and curling up under the covers. Heero could feel Duo's body moving against him, but it wasn't an erotic action. It was comforting and warm. 

"Go to sleep, you two," Duo muttered. "And in the morning, we're going to have a talk about the consequences of Preventers who do drugs and act crazy around their friends, and don't even share."

Heero laughed again, joined by Trowa's quieter chuckles, while Duo pointedly ignored them both. After a few minutes, Trowa settled himself with his head on his pillow, facing Heero, while Heero got comfortable on his side, facing Trowa. Duo's profile was solemn, then one eye opened. 

"What is this, a slumber party? Jeez, you two are freakin' me out, here."

Trowa laughed again, and leaned forward to kiss Duo on the cheek. "Good," he whispered. 

Heero echoed the action on Duo's other cheek. "Idiot," he said, and grinned.

"It's drugs." Duo sniffed. "It's got to be drugs. Should've known setting you two up together was a bad idea."

 

 

 

Heero woke as sudden rush of cold air brushed over his skin, followed by the sound of someone panting rapidly. He opened his eyes to see Duo sitting up in the bed, clutching the blankets to his chest as he hyperventilated. Duo's silhouette was red in the fire's dying light. Trowa sat up, on Duo's other side, his expression anxious.

"Maxwell?" Trowa's hand landed on Duo's shoulder.

Duo reacted immediately. He twisted to the side and his left hand flew out, slamming into Trowa's jaw. "Don't fucking _touch_ me, you creep!" In a flash, Duo was across the covers, scrambling off the bed with a blanket in hand. Wrapping it around himself, he tumbled to the floor with a thump, sliding backwards until his shoulders hit the shelves. "Keep away from you, you fucking bastards, or I'll slit your throats!" 

"Maxwell," Heero cried, and launched himself off the bed. Trowa had one hand on his cheek, and was squinting at Duo in confusion. Heero landed a few feet away from Duo, and realized Duo's eyes were unfocused. Duo's head was thrown back and he was panting heavily, his entire body shaking. "Maxwell," Heero repeated, softer, crouching with his hands out to defend or catch Duo, as needed.

"Fuck," Duo groaned, through clenched teeth. "God!" He arched backwards, his head snapping against the bookshelf as he screamed. "When I―" He screamed again, his body twisting as though trying to escape something. "Damn bas―" He screamed a third time, coming up on his knees as the blanket fell away from him, his hands clenched into fists against his shoulders. "When I get―" Duo shrieked, and his arms jerked but didn't move away from his shoulders. 

"Maxwell!" Heero yelled, unable to take any more. Grabbing Duo's wrists, he yanked them away from Duo's body, and pulled Duo into his arms. "Maxwell," Heero called a second time. "It's a memory, just a memory, you're safe, Maxwell, you're safe―"

Duo screamed again, twisting in Heero's arms, but Heero held on tight, his words reduced to inaudible mumbling as Duo slowly stopped shaking. A minute passed, and Duo flinched in Heero's hold, but his breathing began to calm. 

"Maxwell," Heero said, releasing one arm long enough to reach up and smooth down Duo's hair. "It's okay, you're safe, nothing will hurt you here."

"Heero," came the reply, and Duo sighed, letting his entire body go lax against Heero as his head fell down on Heero's shoulder. "Oh, fuck, I just had the worst nightmare." His laugh was muffled. "Haven't had that one that bad since after the war, eh?"

"Maxwell...it wasn't a nightmare," Heero said, and pushed Duo away far enough to see Duo's face. The downcast expression reminded him of Jade, and Heero bit back a quiet sob. Cautiously he brushed the long bangs out of Duo's face, his fingers trailing through the hair, tucking the strand behind Duo's ear. "It was a memory," he whispered.

"A..." Duo's brows furrowed, and he closed his eyes. Duo took a deep shuddering breath, and his entire body tensed. "Those assholes...that one guy, I remember the room, and the..." His eyes popped open and he reached up, grabbing a hank of his hair, letting his fingers run to the end, where it stopped just below his nipple. Duo's fingers tugged on the hair, and he made a choking sound. "No," he said, reeling back from Heero, his hands coming up in front of him. "No, no," he said, his hands flailing at Heero's hold around his waist. 

"Maxwell, you're safe, it's all behind you," Heero said. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Trowa getting down from the bed, and coming to kneel beside Heero, but slightly behind him, allowing Duo plenty of space. 

"You're not there any more," Trowa agreed. "You've..." He cast an apologetic look at Heero, and returned his attention to Duo, who halted his actions, his head down as he listened to Trowa's voice. "You've...been with us for nearly four months."

Duo laughed, a short barking laugh, and shook his head. "No...I remember the..." His head came up, and he stared at Heero with wide eyes. "Fucking shit, you gave me a hand-job. _Twice._ "

Heero froze, feeling Duo's tense body under his hands. Heero knew his face was red, and not from the nearness of the fire. He swallowed hard and dropped his eyes as he nodded. He could feel Duo shift, pulling away, and he could see the blanket move as Duo pulled it closer around him.

"And you..." Duo was talking to Trowa. "I gave you a blow-job, and tried to seduce you."

"Yes," Trowa said, in a defeated voice. "But―"

"But nothing," Duo spat. "I...I wanted to," and he sounded surprised. "I...oh, god," he cried, and Heero looked up to see Duo putting his hands against his ears as though to drown out sounds. "Everything is in my head at the same time, and I can't straighten it out, and I remember..." He shuddered, his breathing picking up into panting as he swayed, his eyes squeezed tight. "There was a man, and a box...and...oh, fuck, fuck," Duo moaned, unable to speak as his breathing became ragged.

"Maxwell," Heero said in a pleading tone. "Don't try to remember it all at once. Come back to bed, get more sleep, and we'll help you piece it together in the morning."

"Bed?" Duo gave a sharp laugh, but his hands were still raised. "Hello, I don't mess around with friends."

"We're not messing around," Trowa snapped, and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "But you had severe hypothermia, and until your body temperature's been stable for twenty-four hours, you need to stay warm."

"Hypothermia," Duo repeated, and frowned. "I don't...what..." He shook his head.

"You were sitting in the creek," Trowa said.

"What creek―" Duo shook his head curtly. "Whatever. No. Don't tell me. I'm not sure I want to know why you told me to sit in the creek."

"I didn't," Trowa replied, his tone sounding desperate. "If I'd known that's where you were headed, I would've―"

"There's a barn," Duo interrupted. "There's a chain..." His eyes went wide, and he cautiously pulled back the edge of the blanket until a foot was exposed. Heero watched, confused, as Duo leant over, staring at his foot. "My ankle...this..." He put a hand on it, shaking it, and the bells chimed. "You," Duo said, his voice low as he glared at Heero. "You attacked me...or...was it..." 

"I did," Heero said. "I wanted to remove the anklet."

"But..." Duo yawned, and his shoulders slumped. "It's like...a dream, or looking back at a single day too full to comprehend...there's so much..."

"Come back to bed," Trowa coaxed. "Sleep now."

"I don't want to," Duo replied, and shook his head as he put one hand up to cover his face, curling over as he spoke. "I—it's like something inside me—wants both of you, wants to be with you and I— _no_ ," he said abruptly. "I'll just sleep on a chair."

"Shut up, idiot," Heero said, sensing the moment was past, and that Duo was mostly lucid. Standing, he bent over Duo, bringing him to his feet, ignoring Duo's blush at Heero's and Trowa's nudity.

"Geez, put some clothes on," Duo muttered, as Heero guided him back to the bed. 

Trowa disappeared upstairs, as Duo got under the covers, and Heero laid the blanket back over the other ones. A minute later Trowa returned with pajama bottoms for them both, and Heero pulled his on before crawling back under the covers. Trowa joined them on the other side, and the three were quiet for several minutes, until Duo's voice broke the hush.

"It was the church," he said, very quietly. Heero said nothing, and didn't move to touch Duo, although he could feel the chill radiating from Duo's body as it warmed under the blankets. Duo sighed. "I went there for food...I told them I was eighteen, that Du―" He winced, and Heero could hear the sound of Duo swallowing, followed by a gasp. "I told them...the Deathscythe pilot was my hero..."

Heero kept quiet, waiting, watching Duo's profile as expressions flitted too rapidly across Duo's face to be seen in the low light from the fire. Duo shifted, drawing his arms up to cross over his chest, bumping Heero as he moved, and pulling quickly away.

"There was a man—several men." Duo paused, his eyes wide, glittering in the darkness. "And then when I woke up...it was dark, and cold...there were—" He closed his eyes. "I thought war was hell. I had no idea."

"You don't have to talk now," Trowa whispered. "There's time. Don't force it."

"I remember...god, I wish I could forget," Duo continued, as though he'd not even heard Trowa's words. His voice dropped to a breath, faint beneath the sound of the crackling fire. "And when I knew I couldn't get out, I..." He frowned, and licked his lips. Heero watched, fascinated, and curious, as Duo kept speaking in the same monotone, bemused, voice. "I...put everything in a box, labeled with my motto. Somewhere, safe, deep...that it couldn't be touched. Couldn't be found..."

The three men were silent for several minutes, until Trowa raised his head, reaching across to Heero with one hand. Heero took it, clasping it tightly as he let his arm fall across Duo's waist, above the blanket. 

"Wufei gave me the idea," Duo said, when no one responded. "On the lunar base, I watched him mediate. He...was somewhere else, peaceful. Never could get it, until it was down to me and a whip―" He choked, and fell silent. 

Trowa moved, on Duo's other side, twitching head to get the hair out of his eyes. 

"I knew you'd find me, eventually," Duo whispered, but his voice cracked on the last word, and became a sob. "There's too much in my head, and I feel like I'm drowning..."

Heero did the only thing he could, which was to press closer to Duo, his chin on Duo's shoulder. "Shh," Heero said, "we found you, and we won't lose you again."

"Drowning," Duo repeated, the sobs bursting from him in great jagged heaves. "Heero," he cried, "I can't breathe..."

Trowa sat up halfway, tugging at the blanket and moving under it until he was poised over Duo. "Breathe with me," he said, and lowered his lips to Duo's. 

Heero watched, startled, as Trowa held his mouth only a finger's width from Duo's lips, breathing out and in, with deliberate slowness. Duo's eyes went wide, and his head jerked back, but there was nowhere to go. Trowa's eyes were open, staring into Duo's, shadowing Duo from the fire's light, and Trowa continued his unhurried breathing against Duo's mouth. Gradually Duo succumbed, the sobs dying into a few hiccups, and then into a deep, even pace as his eyes closed. Trowa continued matching breaths, until it was clear Duo was asleep, and then Trowa pulled back with a sad look at Heero.

"There's no end," Trowa whispered, and Heero silently had to agree. 


	27. turns to hail

Now and again  
It turns to hail;  
The wind is strong.  
― Shiki Masaoka

 

 

 

Trowa stretched, a tightening and loosening of muscles, feeling the weight of the blankets pressing down on his body. It took a few more breaths before he realized that the blankets weren't the only weight on him; there was a leg thrown over his groin, providing a subtle but pleasurable pressure. An arm was stretched across his chest, fingers curling over under his side. Trowa lay still, cataloguing the sensations as they filtered in with the morning light. 

His right arm was along his body, and he could feel the edge of the bed just under his fingertips. His left arm had become someone's pillow, and was bent at the elbow, angling down to press against shoulder blades. Something moved against him, and Trowa realized the leg across his body was beginning to shift in place, and something else—that was becoming firmer with every insistent push ―was against his hip. He recognized that sensation, and opened his eyes, turning his head a little to survey the layout of the land.

Duo was sprawled across him, the messy and half-undone braid across Trowa's chest. Behind Duo, Heero was on his side, spooning against Duo, one hand lazily thrown over, the fingers caught between Duo's side and Trowa's body. Trowa raised his eyebrows, curiosity seeping into his groggy state. Normally Heero, like Trowa, preferred to sleep with minimum contact, entwining only their legs or fingers. The few times they'd slept entangled from shoulder to feet had been after longer missions, but by the second night together, they'd be back to their usual sides of the bed. He wondered if Heero's subconscious were doing the same thing with Duo, now that he was back after a long absence.

It was then that Trowa became aware that the subtle shifts of the leg against his groin had awakened a morning erection, and the object rubbing against his hip, he decided, must be Duo's. Soft lips had begun suckling at Trowa's chest, just above his nipple. Trowa bit back a grunt of pleasure, feeling physically pinned, yet unwilling to move. He didn't want to startle Duo, not after last night's solid punch, but he wasn't sure how to go about disengaging from the pile of bodies. On Duo's other side, Heero made a strange sound, deep in his throat, although his eyes were still closed. Heero's mouth opened, and Trowa watched over Duo's head as Heero's tongue slipped out, licking his lips before he sighed and settled back into sleep. Duo's body continued to move, writhing gently between them, and Trowa could see a line appear on Heero's sleepy face, between his brows. 

Now I really need to do something, Trowa thought, recognizing the signs of Heero's imminent reaction. Trowa moved slightly under Duo. But his arm was effectively trapped, and there was little room to maneuver. He sighed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to prevent his body from reacting to the lips making their way towards his nipple. The arm across his chest shifted, the fingers beginning to play in circles on Trowa's ribs, and he shivered. 

Then Ifrit jumped on the bed ― and directly onto Trowa's stomach.

With a strangled shout, Trowa curled, instinctively defending himself in case the cat moved farther south. Duo sat up with a yelp. Heero opened his eyes, looked at the cat, grunted, and rolled over on his other side. Ifrit meowed from where he'd landed, between Trowa's knees. The cat's ears were flat back on his head, and he gave a little shake as he turned his back and began washing himself. Trowa chuckled, and ran a hand through his hair. When he felt like he had himself more under control, he glanced over at Duo.

"Mas..." Duo yawned, and rubbed his eyes, then his hand fell away as he registered what he'd been about to say. "Trowa, hey, uh..." Duo flushed, and twisted in place, scrambling out of the bed over the back of the sofa. "I―uh―breakfast would be a good thing," he said, grabbing the top blanket and pulling it with him. There was a thump as he fell over the back and landed on the wooden floor. Heero sat up with a jerk.

"What the hell is going on?" Heero glared at Trowa, who shook his head, and Heero's glare was replaced with confusion. "Tro? Where's―"

"Right here, I'm fine, sorry―I―" Duo popped up from behind the sofa, his face still red as he wrapped the blanket around him. "I'm gonna go get dressed, I think." He scuttled from the living room, pounding up the steps, his head down. 

Heero twisted on the bed to watch Duo go, then turned to Trowa. "What was that all about?"

Trowa winced. How could he say, in Duo's hearing, that Duo's training had no problems taking advantage of the situation? It would only add to the humiliation Duo was clearly already feeling. He sighed and pulled his legs up, kicking Ifrit lazily under the blankets until the cat meowed again and jumped down from the bed. Trowa leaned his elbows on his knees and let his head fall.

"Later," he said, and Heero nodded. 

 

 

 

Heero was washing the dishes in the kitchen, while Trowa and Duo straightened up the living room. By the time Heero appeared in the doorway, the room was back to its usual clean state. Trowa smirked as Heero nodded in satisfaction. 

"Maxwell," Heero said. "Have a seat. I have an idea."

"Sure," Duo said, moving quickly to sit in the wing back chair. 

Trowa tossed him a blanket and Duo scowled, but draped it over himself obediently. He had avoided Trowa's gaze through all of breakfast, and Trowa sighed as he sat down on the sofa, leaning back to stretch out his legs. Ifrit followed Heero from the kitchen, meowing as he wrapped himself around Heero's ankles, and Heero muttered a curse before picking Ifrit up and depositing him on Trowa's lap. Trowa rolled his eyes and scratched the cat under the chin while Heero took the other wingback chair.

"I thought..." Heero paused, a line between his brows as he stared at the table between them. "I thought it might help if we gave you a calendar of what's happened over the ten months. Start at the beginning." He frowned, concentrating. "It might help you sort out which memories come first."

Duo nodded slowly. His knuckles were white against the blue blanket. 

"Today is December twenty-third," Heero said, in a calm, level tone. "You left for the mission start on February twelfth of this year. Three messages were received, all from L2, between the thirteenth and nineteenth of February. There was no more contact, until we received word that you had been on a shuttle accident within the cluster, on March eleventh." 

Duo paled, but didn't say anything. 

"On August twenty-ninth," Heero continued, "you were...located through a tip from a woman who discovered you in her son's house." He glanced at Trowa, who nodded. "We retrieved you from that location, and brought you directly here. We're currently in the mountains on the western border of Sanq, about twenty minutes outside the town of Sur la Croix."

"On the cross," Duo translated. He laughed, a sharp bark. "Damn Catholics."

"Maxwell," Heero said. "In Bremen, there's a grave marker with your name on it, in the war hero cemetery. Missing, believed dead, March eleventh, AC 206."

"I see." Duo's voice was preternaturally calm. 

"The grave marker was set in the wall on May first." Trowa dropped his head, unwilling to look in Duo's direction, unwilling to see Duo refuse to look him in the eye. And now, Trowa couldn't look him in the eyes, either. "There was no sign or word to contradict the shuttle's passenger record. Heero looked, desperately, but we three eventually convinced him there was no hope." Trowa stared down at his hands, buried in Ifrit's fur. "I'm sorry. I know that's not good enough, but we left you there, and we..." 

"I looked," Heero said, his voice hoarse. "But I couldn't find anything, and the agent we sent found no record, no one who'd seen you. There was nothing. But I'm sorry, Duo," he whispered, and Trowa noticed Duo's flinch from the corner of his eye, but Heero's head was down as he spoke. "I should've kept looking."

The room was quiet for several minutes, and Trowa finally raised his head to see Duo staring at both of them. His expression was inscrutable, and Trowa braced himself, ready to accept whatever Duo would say. But Duo only sighed, and shook his head.

"You two are going to beat yourself up about not finding me right away," he said, and he smiled, but a little sadly. "Unless the months have been rearranged since I've been gone, that's still four months that you've been here with me, every day. Am I right?"

Heero nodded, and Trowa gave a little shrug with one shoulder. 

"Yeah," Duo said. "Seems to me that if there's anyone who should be apologizing, it's me for putting you through this hell."

"It wasn't your fault," Heero protested, his head coming up. His eyes flashed as he leaned forward. "None of any of it is your fault. You―"

"Right," Duo said, lifting one hand to wave dismissively. "But I'd say we're even." He sighed, and leaned his head against the back of the chair. "I knew you'd find me, and I knew you'd figure it out, one way or another. You'd get me back. And you did." Duo shrugged, closing his eyes. "That's all that matters to me."

Trowa frowned, studying the lines on Duo's face. "Maxwell," he started to say, but Heero cut him off.

"I have a name," Heero said. He flushed at Trowa's raised eyebrows, but Duo opened his eyes, giving Heero a puzzled look. Heero looked abashed. "Deo."

"For me?" Duo's expression melted into a pleased smile, and Trowa's heart nearly broke at seeing an open, Jade-like expression once again. Duo blinked, and his eyes shuttered. "Why that name?"

"It's the sounds," Heero replied. "D...but with an ay-sound, like Jade. But..."

"Dio," Trowa said.

"Dio?" Duo looked confused, his gaze swinging back and forth between them. "What's that mean?"

"Same as _deo_. God. D-I-O are the first three letters of Dionysus...a god, yes." He smiled at Duo's lowered brows. " _Dio_ and _deo_ come from the same Indo-European root, _div_ , which I seem to recall means 'shining.' I could look it up..." Trowa stared pointedly at the bookshelves.

"Dionysus," Duo repeated, rolling the word carefully in his mouth.

"God of wine," Trowa said, his lips curling up at the edges. "Known for orgiastic and ecstatic parties. But he was also a peacemaker, and a lawgiver. And between his parties, he often spent time alone in deep contemplation." Trowa glanced at Duo, but the other man's eyes were still on the shelves, his gaze traveling across the books as though fascinated. "Dionysus was also killed when young, a babe, I think, and brought back to life. So he has ties to death through that, and destruction through the excesses of ecstasy. Yet at the same time he's a god of vegetation and cultivation, bringing life and joy. He's the god of destruction, and creation, and joy in both."

"You're making this up," Duo challenged, but he looked amused.

Trowa shook his head. "Nope. You think I keep these books for decoration?"

"I was hoping," Duo retorted, but he chuckled softly. "Guess I can blame the intuitive leap on Heero?"

"Sure. We make a good pair that way."

"Yeah," Duo said, his gaze falling away from Trowa, back to the fire. "You do." He was quiet a minute, then shrugged. The move seemed overly nonchalant to Trowa. Duo's lips moved, but no sound came forth, and Trowa wondered if Duo were trying on the name. After a second, Duo gave gave Heero a tentative smile. "I like both. I don't know which..." He ducked his head, studying his fingers twisting in the blanket's edge. "You can pick..."

"Deo," Heero said. "I think Dio fits better, but the sounds need to be similar if you're to recognize it."

"Deo," Duo repeated, his smile suddenly brilliant. "Deo," he said again, softly. 

Heero dropped his head, a shy smile on his face. Trowa smiled, watching his lover. Duo looked up, and his expression turned preoccupied. Trowa wondered what prompted the change. The fire crackled, sending sparks up the chimney, and Ifrit jumped down from Trowa's lap with an indignant meow. Trowa rubbed his hands together and leaned forward, looking at Duo. The silence held, until Duo slowly acknowledged Trowa's look with a questioning nod.

"Quatre and Wufei," Trowa said, "have been investigating the auction house since August. A week ago they were able to infiltrate an auction. Nearly all the ringleaders were captured, but more are being hunted down. Every one of those bastards is now behind bars or on their way there."

"Locked up," Duo murmured. His eyes were dark, and his smile was tight, white lines around his lips making it look more like a grimace. "Yeah, well, it'll do for now."

"We never let Quatre or Wufei come see you," Trowa continued. "We didn't think you'd want them to see you before you'd come back. I hope that's okay. We didn't think you'd want everyone to know..."

Duo nodded, once, slowly. "I remember the week in darkness," he said, then shook his head. "Or perhaps it was longer. I remember when the man came to me and told me they knew who I was, and that I was undercover. I knew if I didn't come up with a way out, they were going to kill me. I don't know why, but I knew they would do it painfully. They were like that. And dead is dead." His voice was a monotone. "So when they left me, in that stinking icy darkness, I sorted through every memory I have, and..." He stopped, brows furrowed, his face as dark as a thundercloud. "All I remember after that was anger, and the scent of battle in my nose. My darkness became Deathscythe's cockpit."

Trowa exhaled slowly, his fingers itching to hold Duo while he spoke, to offer comfort through touch that he couldn't give through words. Trowa had no idea what he'd say, if Duo were to require an answer. I'm sorry? I understand? I wish I could've stopped it? Telling Duo not to speak was out of the question, Trowa reasoned. It had to be said, at some point, and better when Duo chose than to have it burst out.

"They came for me, I don't know how long after they found out," Duo's whisper was continuing without break. "I think a week, or two, they'd continued to act as though nothing had changed. I had been cheerful, compliant, and their guard was down. When they got me―" He flinched suddenly, and his eyes squeezed tight for a heartbeat "―they were restraining me by my hair, and one man was moving to shackle my feet. I got the knife from his belt, and slit his throat before the second man knew what was happening. But I couldn't reach the second man without getting my braid undone. So I cut it off. And then I killed him. And then I killed everyone I saw."

"Except one," Heero muttered. "She's the one who―"

"Figures," Duo said. "I don't know why I let her live. I only remember cursing her when I came around the corner to find all those men waiting at the entrance. And after that..." He shrugged. "The rest is a haze, but then I slowly came back." He shook his head. "No. I didn't. But something filled the gap."

"Shinigami," Trowa murmured. 

Duo nodded. "I held onto that for as long as I could. Then, eventually, even that couldn't hold up, and I put it away, too." He sighed, and rubbed his nose, sinking back into the wingchair with a yawn. "And then there was nothing left."

His eyes closed, and he opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it. Several minutes passed, before Trowa raised his head. Duo's chest was rising and falling in even breaths, and Trowa blinked, glancing at Heero.

"Asleep," Heero said. "His body still hasn't really recovered from last night."

Trowa nodded, and got up, taking another blanket from the back of the sofa and draping it over Duo as well. Tucking it in around Duo, Trowa sighed as he stared down at the pallor in Duo's cheeks, and the lines in Duo's forehead. 

"There was something left," Trowa whispered to Duo's still form. "You put away your surface, and your memories. You put away your anger, and your independence. But you never put away your heart." He smiled down at Duo, and gave in, leaning over to kiss Duo's forehead. The sleeping man nuzzled Trowa's hand in his sleep, murmuring something inaudible. "And it's your heart..." Trowa couldn't finish.

 

 

 

Duo woke up an hour later, stretching a bit before curling back under the two blankets with a grumpy look. Trowa looked up from his book, and gave him a tentative smile. Duo returned it, then his eyes went wide, and he dropped his chin, pulling the blankets up around him. Trowa closed the book and set it down on the table in front of the sofa.

"Heero's on the computer, checking to see if there's news on the investigation," Trowa said. "Deo..." The name sounded odd in his ears, but right, at the same time. "I..." Trowa shook his head. "There's no way to say this, really. But I hope that someday you can forgive us for everything we've had to do, over the past four months."

"I thought you said you could live with it," Duo replied, after a second's hesitation.

"I can. But if you can't, I'm willing to accept that our friendship may end." 

"It hasn't ended yet, Trowa," Duo said, pulling the blanket down enough for Trowa to see the manic grin on his face. "Don't go borrowing trouble." Pain flashed across his face, and he turned away, to stare into the fire. "It's like knowing you dreamed, and only seeing bits and pieces, but not being able to piece together the plot."

"When we first found you," Trowa said, a bit uncomfortably, "you were...the training was very strong."

Duo nodded, but didn't look away from the fire.

"And much of your training was never broken." Trowa listened to the sounds of Heero moving in the study, and knew Heero would be joining them shortly. "I guess now that you're back, you'll want to do the rest on your own." Something ached inside Trowa's chest at that thought.

"What about," Duo whispered, then swallowed hard. "My apartment?"

"Sold," Trowa replied. "All your stuff is in storage with Quatre or Wufei, except most of the bigger furniture, and the kitchen stuff. Things that we figured weren't as...important."

"I loved that sofa," Duo said, his lips twisting in a wry smile. He shifted, turning his gaze on Trowa. "Why'd you keep the rest?"

"I don't know." Trowa stared down at his hands, then at the book on the table. "I think it was like...eventually we wouldn't hurt as much, and we would go through it, determining who would keep what. You're our family, after all. We can't just...pitch what's left of you, as though you were never there. But we weren't ready yet to divide you up amongst ourselves."

"I know how to make croissants from scratch," Duo suddenly announced. 

"Really?" Trowa was startled by both the announcement and the sudden topic change. "You never made them here."

"Oh." Duo smiled, shyly. "I could still make them, if we have everything."

"List what you need, and what we don't have, we can get," Trowa offered, returning the smile, pleased to see Duo beam in response. The study door opened, and a heartbeat later Heero was behind the sofa, his hands on Trowa's shoulders. Duo's smile faded quickly, and he turned his head away to stare into the fire, his eyes dull. Trowa frowned, confused. "Deo? Is something―"

"No, everything's about as good as it can be," Duo said, that barking laugh back in his voice. He smirked. "Given that I can't remember most of the past months, and what I can remember is either not worth remembering or mixed up with everything else...Yeah, fine enough for now."

Trowa put up one hand to rest it over Heero's. He leaned his head back, to see Heero giving Duo a narrowed glance. Trowa patted Heero's hand, and Heero looked down, with a rueful expression, then shook his head. Trowa sighed and nodded. Still no more word from Quatre or Wufei. Well, perhaps he'd call later, he thought, when Wufei might be in the office. It was only ten-thirty on a Tuesday, and the weekly mission debriefings always took through lunch.

 

 

 

"And now you have to cut the butter," Duo was explaining. Heero was leaning one hip against the countertop, the recipe book in his hands. Trowa was standing by Duo, watching over his shoulder as he moved agilely through the motions. "If you soften the butter, it doesn't work as well. It's got to be hard, right out of the icebox," Duo said. He made quick work of the butter stick, the knife balanced in his hand as he glanced over his shoulder at Trowa. "Are you bored yet?"

"Not yet―Deo!" Trowa leapt forward, just as the knife came down on Duo's finger. He acted quickly, without thinking, pulling the knife away and dragging Duo sideways to the sink. "Shit, that's deep," he said, peering down at the cut as blood poured from Duo's index finger. "Heero?"

"Ah." 

Heero was already out of the kitchen, and Trowa heard the bathroom door open and close as Heero retrieved the first aid kit. Meanwhile, Duo was tugging at Trowa's hold, and laughing nervously.

"Come on, I got tons worse than this in the war," Duo said. "It's not that bad."

"It's not just a paper cut, either," Trowa replied, with a skeptical look. "That's a sharp knife, and you were putting pressure on the blade. But I don't think it'll need stitches―"

"Stitches?" Duo rolled his eyes and kept trying to pull his hand away. "Just put a band-aid on it, and let me get back to what I was doing. We wait too long, the butter will go soft―"

"There's more butter in the icebox. You're not using butter you've bled all over," Trowa pointed out. 

"Mast―" Duo's words cut off, and his face went flat. He frowned, looking like he was struggling with something. Then he shrugged, grinning widely as Trowa wrapped a dishcloth around his hand and guided him to a seat. "Geez, Trowa, I'm not gonna bleed to death. That would have to be the second most uncool way to go."

"Humor me, Deo," Trowa replied, putting his hands on Duo's shoulders to keep him in place. 

Duo huffed, and set his hand on the table. Heero unwrapped the dishcloth, which was turning red, and raised his eyebrows.

"Deep," Heero observed. "But missed the blood vessels and nerves."

He grabbed an antiseptic packet from the first-aid kit, and tore it open. Trowa's nose wrinkled at the smell. At the same instant, Duo bucked up from the seat, his back arching from the motion. The chair tumbled backwards, catching Trowa across the thighs. Duo leapt sideways, away from Heero. His feet caught in the chair legs, and he went down. Instead of getting up, he scrambled forwards, turning once he hit the corner between the bookshelves and the cabinets. Trowa righted himself, pushing the chair out of the way, but stopped when he saw Duo's eyes. They were wide, and unfocused; Duo panted heavily as he looked around the room, sheer panic on his face.

"Deo," Trowa whispered, bending his knees, ready to crouch down to Duo's level.

"Stay away from me, you bastard," Duo hissed, his bare feet kicking out against the wooden floor as he struggled to push himself farther into the corner. "Don't you shoot me up with that junk again! Fucking assholes, I'll break your arm if you come near me!"

"Duo!" Heero shouted.

Duo's eyes rolled up under his lids, and his body jerked. The movement banged his head against the wall.

"Heero, damn it," Trowa protested. "What the hell is―"

"Flashback," Heero replied. He dropped the antiseptic pad and picked up the dishcloth, moving past Trowa with a slow, cautious grace. "Jade," Heero whispered, getting down on one knee. "No one is going to hurt you―"

"I don't want it!" Duo's shout was deafening. His hands flailed out at Heero. "No! No! Don't want! Get away! No! I don't―"

Heero grabbed Duo's injured hand and yanked it forward. The effect was immediate. Duo slumped, and Heero grunted, pulling Duo into an embrace. There was silence for several seconds, and Trowa frowned, seeing Duo's form so completely relaxed against Heero's body. When Heero glanced over his shoulder, Trowa stepped forward, helping lift Duo to his feet. Heero stood up, about to take Duo from Trowa's arms, when Duo murmured something and pressed himself up against Trowa.

"Don't go," Duo whispered. His bloody hand draped itself around Trowa's waist, and he buried his face in Trowa's neck. "I like this...lemme stay here..."

"Deo?" Trowa blinked as Duo slowly sank back to the floor. Trowa moved with him, ending up in a jumble of legs and arms. There was no response from Duo, and Trowa shook the man slightly. "Jade?"

"Master..." Duo sighed. There was a lazy smile on his face as his head fell back, but he didn't look Trowa in the eyes. "Please..." He shivered, and leaned forward, his lips unerringly finding the base of Trowa's neck as he began to suckle. His other hand moved up to wrap around Trowa's neck, and Duo wriggled languidly until he was in Trowa's lap. 

"Jade, Deo, Maxwell," Trowa said. Duo didn't respond to any of the names. Trowa put his hands on Duo's shoulders and slowly pushed him away. Duo's eyes were downcast, and his smile was lopsided. Trowa looked up at Heero. "I think...it's like he's drunk?" 

Heero nodded as he knelt down behind Duo, reaching for the injured hand. 

"Master," Duo moaned, leaning back into Heero's body. He twisted to throw one arm over Heero's shoulder, his body writhing as he pressed up against Heero, but his other hand never left Trowa's waist. "Let's play," Duo whispered seductively. "When you play with me, I'm so happy..." He tugged at Heero's astonished face, pressing his lips against Heero's. 

Heero sat back on his heels and slapped Duo, hard. 

"What the―" Duo put a hand to his cheek, blinking, then turned to see Trowa only an inch from his face. "Holy fuck," Duo breathed, catapulting himself backwards off Trowa's lap. "Oh, shit," he cried, "fuck, Trowa, I―" Heero grabbed Duo's ankle, keeping him from moving, and Duo's face went white. "Don't kill me, Heero, I would never do that to―" Heero didn't let go, but began pulling Duo towards him, one hand out to grab the injured hand. "Heero, come'on, man, you're scaring me, I wasn't going to―" 

"Deo," Heero said sternly. "Shut up, and take a deep breath."

Obediently, Duo took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. Heero took the injured hand, dabbing at it with the soiled dishcloth, and then quickly grabbed a bandage from the table and wrapped it around Duo's finger. Duo stared at the hand for a second before raising a baffled face to Trowa, then Heero. 

"How did we end up on the floor?" 

"Memory trigger," Heero said curtly. "Alcohol."

"Alcohol. Like beer?" Duo looked around quizzically. 

"No, like rubbing alcohol," Trowa replied. "Like...what's used to disinfect before giving shots."

"Shots..." Duo's eyes went wide, and he began to shake. "They...the...they..." His mouth opened and closed, and his eyes closed, squeezing up tightly as he swayed in place, huddled on the floor. "No, no," he moaned, putting his hands to his head. "When they...I...oh, no, please..."

"Deo," Heero called. "It's over, it's past, you're safe here." 

Heero moved forwards, wrapping his arms around Duo. Duo took a deep breath, his shoulder heaving. Trowa moved around behind Duo, placing his legs around Duo's and pulling both Heero and Duo close to him. Duo's words were muffled against Heero's chest, but he wasn't crying, only mumbling.

"When they..." Duo's voice trailed away, and he hiccupped before swallowing hard. Trowa pressed closer, willing Duo to feel the safety of the arms wrapped around him tightly. Duo shuddered. "After...I'd do anything. I was calm, and didn't care, and whatever they told me, I agreed to..." His tone changed, filling with self-loathing. "I was so fucking _weak_. One stupid drug, and I'd taken all those Oz interrogations and their damned drugs and never fuckin' blinked. And one shot...each time, I was...god, I was pathetic, what I let them make me do...they didn't even have to make me. I fuckin' _volunteered_."

"Not true," Heero replied, his voice steady. He bent his head, burying his lips in Duo's hair, one hand around Duo's waist, the other stretching to include Trowa. "Those were the drugs. You are not to blame for that."

"But during the war―"

"During the war," Trowa interrupted, "you were healthy, you had a purpose, and you had all of yourself. You told us you hid yourself away...there was nothing left to protect you. They took advantage of that, but that's not your fault."

"If I'd fought harder―"

"You wouldn't have survived," Trowa hissed, unexpectedly angry at the men who'd done it, and at the same time, angry at Duo for believing any of it. "You've always been strong," he added, his tone gentling as he ran a hand up and down Duo's arm. "You knew what you had to do to survive, and you did it. It was to survive. That's what mattered. You survived. That's what matters."

"But I―" Duo's voice cracked. "I wanted it, when it was gone...I wanted that feeling...I missed it. It made me feel like I had a purpose..."

"I know," Heero said. He glanced at Trowa, and Trowa was surprised to see tears caught in Heero's eyelashes before the blue eyes closed, barring the vulnerability from sight. "When there's nothing of you, and too many of them, any feeling of bliss is worth any price."

Duo nodded, and shuddered again.

"And you'll do anything for a kind word," Heero continued. "Even things that later...make you want to vomit up every meal you've ever had, and shred your own skin until it's raw." His voice was broken and sorrowful. "But that's not your fault. Everyone wants love and affection, and when there's nothing else, we take what we can get, because it's what keeps us going even when we know the source is faulty."

"But I wanted―"

"It's okay to want it," Heero said. "But it's not okay to hate yourself for being human."

"But I do," came the mournful response. "I do...I should've fought...I let myself...I wanted...and when the drugs were gone...I still wanted." He curled in on himself, a small huddle between Heero and Trowa, rocking back and forth but for Heero and Trowa keeping him still. "I did, I wanted...I slept on the bare floor by that man's bed..." Duo's voice went up to a wail, both angry and helpless. "...And I was ecstatic because I was allowed to sleep in the same room as him!" 

Trowa shifted, feeling his legs and buttocks start to tingle from sitting on the wooden floor. He nudged Heero, who nodded. Wordlessly they both came to their feet, Duo still pinioned between them, his tearless sobs echoing in the kitchen. It took several long minutes before they managed to shuffle all the way into the living room, lowering Duo onto the sofa between them as he clutched at Heero's shirt, his face buried againt Heero's neck. Trowa continued to rub Duo's back, watching the muscles gradually relax, and Duo faded into sleep. Heero looked down at Duo's lax form, and sighed. 

"You were right," he said, catching Trowa's fingers with his. "There never will be an end, will there."

"There will be," Trowa assured him, with a crooked smile. "Deo, dio, div." Trowa leaned forward, planting a kiss on Duo's forehead, and then one on Heero's lips. "You and I each came back from the underworld. Now it's his turn."


	28. for the crows

Pears and persimmons  
Left for the crows...  
Winter seclusion  
― Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero swore under his breath and leaned up against the mirror until his nose was almost touching the surface. Irritated, he tapped the razor against the side of the basin and took a few more swipes at his cheek before giving up. The hurricane lamp's light just wasn't enough, and the wavering movement of the flame in the small room threw dancing shadows across his face. Normally he didn't need to shave but every few days, but he'd put it off for the past five days, and somehow it just seemed like another on the day's list of things to go wrong. 

He had awoken just after dawn to find the house freezing cold, and the outside world blanketed in nearly ten inches of snow and still falling fast. It had snowed numerous times since the winter began—and most of the land was now draped in nearly three feet of snow—but it hadn't yet fallen this hard, this fast. Bringing in wood, he'd shivered, and not from the cold. Looking around, he'd realized that without his footsteps to guide him back, he couldn't see the house from where he stood by the barn. And it certainly hadn't helped that on the whole he'd probably only gotten three hours of sleep.

Draining the water from the sink, he splashed some up around the edges of the basin to clean off the shaving cream before washing his face and patting it dry. He wiped his hands roughly and picked up the hurricane lamp. In the living room, Duo was huddled by the fire. Trowa had appeared, blanket in hand, and fallen back asleep on the sofa, Heero noted. No surprise there, after Duo had insisted on sleeping on the sofa, rather than on his mattress, or even—as Trowa had tentatively offered—with the two of them. Unfortunately, that meant that Duo's screaming nightmares, every hour on the hour, would wake both, and one would head downstairs to shake Duo into awareness. They'd traded off, but the act of getting out of bed and going downstairs had woken Heero fully, each time, and he would only be sinking back into sleep by the time Duo's screams came again. It didn't help that Trowa's movement from the bed, taking his turn, would then send Heero's sleep into a hazy place where he couldn't quite relax enough. 

Heero sighed and set down the hurricane lamp as Duo looked up. Duo opened his mouth, looking at Heero's jaw, and closed his mouth, but his lips quirked. 

"Don't say it," Heero told him. "At least we've got enough propane for another day or two, but then we'll need a refill." 

The generator was out, and Heero really wasn't up yet to heading to the freezing barn to see what had caused the problem. On top of that, the phone lines were down, so they couldn't even call for a propane refill if they did run out. Heero settled onto the sofa, shifting Trowa gently until Trowa's head was pillowed on his lap. Duo scooted backwards, climbing crab-like without looking into the wingback chair and wrapping a blanket around himself. 

Heero contemplated getting up to fix breakfast, but he wasn't really that hungry, and the warmth was making him feel drowsy. Turning his head a bit, he could see Duo's exhausted face losing its lines as Duo faded into sleep. Heero smiled to himself, absently running his fingers through Trowa's hair as he thought about the bits and pieces he'd gathered from the little Duo had said each time he'd woken up.

Rubbing alcohol made Duo think of the drug therapy forced on him; the scent of lemon was somehow connected to a beating bad enough to send him into a flashback that left the man shivering and flinching away from touch. Trowa's shout as he nearly burnt his hand on dinner made Duo fall into a protective crouch, and the act of taking a shower alone sent Duo into a panic attack that had Trowa nearly breaking down the door to get to him. A hurricane lamp, left on low, brought back fears of a flashlight that moved in the middle of the night, through Duo's sleeping quarters with the other pets. The wool blanket, rubbing against Duo's face, became a gag. The one thing that bothered Heero the most, however, was remembering when Duo had caught sight of his reflection against the window before bed. There was nothing there that Heero could see, but Duo went cold and still for a long period before he shook himself and laid down to sleep.

Heero wondered if that last behavior were connected to the few bits Duo had managed to say before falling back into sleep, each time it had been Heero's turn to shake him from his nightmares: something about being watched, and being surrounded, by voices and bodies where Duo couldn't see their faces. Heero wondered if that were connected to the training, or perhaps a part of the training's impact surfacing in Duo's consciousness. He thought back to his own training, submerged in secrecy and bounded by isolation, and his own distrust of other people as a result of so little contact. He'd squared his shoulders and headed to earth, certain he would fulfill his mission or die trying. Or, he mused, both at the same time, and was surprised to find himself considering the notion funny, all these years later. 

It was a dark sort of humor, but it was the best he could do.

Duo still hadn't cried, not really. He'd sobbed, and moaned, and his chest heaved, but no tears. Heero lifted his gaze to watch Duo's curled form under the blankets, his face just barely visible, and felt his shoulders slump. Duo's sleep was no longer his own, Heero thought. Even Jade, once comfortable, had sprawled in his sleep, an out flung arm, a leg on top of the covers. But Duo now was sleeping curled in a tight ball, his head against his knees, his arms up in a defensive position. He'd slept all night like that, but Heero paused, realizing that Duo had slept quite comfortably between them. He wondered if that was the reason Trowa had suggested it again, despite Trowa's discomfort with Duo's half-asleep reaction to their closeness. Although it had been rather amusing to see Duo fall over the back of the sofa. For such a graceful man, he could sure be a klutz when caught off-guard.

He was startled to realize Duo's eyes were open, and watching him carefully, but with just a hint of amusement. 

"What is it?" Duo shifted, pulling the blanket down a little. "That look. What're you thinking about?"

"You," Heero said, not watching his words, too lulled by the warm fire and Trowa's steady breath against his belly. "Falling over the back of the sofa."

Duo blushed bright red, and groaned, pulling the blankets up closer around him. They muffled his voice as he stared at Heero, wide-eyed. "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I honestly don't know―"

Heero shook his head. "There's..." he started to say, trying to find a way to say what he meant without saying too much, or speaking too harshly. Duo had already apologized enough in the past twenty-four hours, and Heero could do without having to hear it again. "There's enough else going on," he finally said, satisfied when Duo lowered the blanket, even if he didn't say anything.

There was silence for several minutes, and Heero lowered his head. Trowa's face was slack, his mouth open just a little, and Heero could see Trowa's eyes moving under the lids. Lost in dreams, he thought, and hoped they were good ones.

"You make a good couple," Duo said, interrupting Heero's thoughts. "I'm...glad I set the two of you up."

"Did I ever thank you?" 

"Does threatening to break my arm if I ever do that again count?" Duo cocked his head, his expression playful. "In Yuy terms, I think that's a sign of gratitude."

Heero snorted.

"You didn't threaten to kill me," Duo pointed out. "So I figured the walk back in the rain did you both some good."

It was Heero's turn to feel his face get hot, and he muttered something under his breath.

Duo laughed softly. "I...I remember..." He scratched his nose, then pulled his hand down to study it intently. Ifrit jumped up on the arm of the chair, and Duo moved around so the cat could lay across his lap. "It's strange, the things that stand out, even if I don't know where they go. Fireworks."

"October eighteenth," Heero replied. "That's the day Wufei visited."

"Oh." Duo's face scrunched up. "But Wufei..."

"No." Heero was pretty sure Duo had been about to ask whether Wufei had visited. "Neither did Quatre, when he brought us our stuff."

"I suppose I should thank you for that." Duo's voice was soft, his gaze lowered as he petted Ifrit with a distant expression. 

"Better than you threatening to break my arm," Heero suggested.

"Not really my modus operandi." Duo lifted his head long enough to grin, but the look faded quickly. He shook his head a little before dropping his gaze again. "Not like I'm sure what it is, now, anyway. Maybe I do threaten to break people's arms."

"I doubt it." Trowa's voice was gentle, although a little thick with sleep, and he smiled up at Heero before turning to lie on his side, facing Duo. "More likely you'd just short-sheet the bed or put salt in the food."

"Salt..." Duo frowned, considering that. "I nearly killed you four when I cooked, after Hilde and I bro―" He made a face and shrugged, the grin pasted back on. "If you can live through that, a little salt won't hurt you." He look turned dark. "Salt," he whispered, his eyes closing.

Heero frowned, wondering what Duo was remembering, but didn't say anything. Duo's fingers were still moving through Ifrit's fur, and it occurred to Heero that his own fingers were doing the same, moving across Trowa's scalp, and down to brush past the backs of Trowa's ears. He was rewarded with the soft humming sound Trowa made when particularly pleased, and Heero had to hide a smile. He wasn't sure if Trowa would find it that amusing to hear he was being compared to that damn cat. Then again, Heero thought, Trowa's probably part-cat anyway. He decided to change the subject.

"The phone lines are down," Heero said, in an undertone. Trowa was immediately tense, and he nodded, swinging his legs around as he sat up.

"Breakfast," Trowa replied. "Then I'll hike to the road and call from there."

"Call from where?" Duo looked at Trowa curiously. "Who do you need to call?"

"Quatre and Wufei," Trowa said. He stood, putting his arms over his head as he stretched backwards. He yawned as he did so, and Heero smirked, seeing Ifrit stand up on Duo's lap and stretch just as broadly. Trowa caught the smirk and narrowed his eyes, before lifting Ifrit off Duo's lap. "Demon," he said fondly, rubbing his nose against Ifrit's. The cat meowed, its tail twitching, and Trowa set Ifrit on his shoulder. 

"Why do you need to―" Duo's face went utterly still, and he stared at Trowa, then Heero. "This...this has something to do with me..."

Trowa caught his breath, and glanced at Heero, who nodded curtly, just once. Trowa seemed to consider that for a second, then set Ifrit on the back of the sofa and sat down again, on the end nearest Duo. He studied his hands for a moment, his lips in a thin line, before he looked up.

"The...people who were rescued, after the auction," Trowa began. 

"The other pets," Duo said, nodding.

"People," Trowa corrected. "The Preventers have a team of doctors and scientists trying to help them, and..." He glanced over his shoulder at Heero, a quick look that spoke volumes: an apology. "They're not. Helping, I mean."

"What are they doing?" Duo's voice was cold, and small.

"They're killing them."

Duo's face went white. "May and August? Are they..."

"I don't know those names," Trowa said. "Pearl―"

Duo gasped, and one hand flew up to press against his mouth. He shook his head abruptly. 

"―Amber―"

"No," Duo said, very quietly.

"―and Tiger." Trowa swallowed hard; Heero watched his adam's apple bob with the motion. "I'm sorry, Deo. There are more who have died, but those three are the only ones whose names we know, right now."

"More?" Duo's eyes were wide, and his voice choked on the question. The hand pressed against his mouth was shaking.

"Fifteen suicides," Heero answered, his voice flat. He dropped his gaze, unable to look Duo in the face. 

"Suicides?" Duo's tone was incredulous, and his feet came down on the floor with a solid thump. "That's impossible! That goes directly against the will of the Master! You can't just up and kill yourself!" 

"Deo," Trowa said, very gently. He sighed. "If you were...adopted, and brought to a hospital, and told your Master couldn't or wouldn't see you...what would you have done?"

"I..." Duo frowned, and then froze. His voice, when he spoke again, was low, and icy. "Are you telling me that the others were just... _abandoned?_ "

"We don't know," Heero said, his fingers clawing at the knees of his jeans as he watched Duo from under his eyelashes. "We only know that Quatre lost several of his rescues, as did Wufei and Noin. We know the victims were all taken to a Preventers hospital for observation. Beyond that...we haven't gotten any more information."

"A hospital!" Duo shook his head, and his braid whipped around at the movement. "No, my god, that's the stupidest damn thing. That's not...how could...oh, fuck," he moaned, sinking back into the chair with a stricken expression. "August never would've taken that. He wanted so badly to have someone...there's no way he could've handled that..."

"Who's August?" Trowa didn't look at Duo as he asked.

"Just...just a kid," came the strangled reply. "Just a fuckin' kid. August and I...had cooking classes together." Duo leaned back in the chair, one hand over his eyes. "He just couldn't get it right, and he was so worried about everything...and I was paying too much attention to him, and I put too much lemon in the chicken..." Duo's voice cracked. "Trainer...that bastard...beat him for distracting me, and made me watch. Then the bastard did worse to me for trying to stop him." Duo dropped his hand, revealing tear tracks down his face. "August was...I don't know. I guess I loved him, too. And I wasn't supposed to..." Duo leaned forward, until his face was against his knees, and beat at the edge of the chair with helpless fists as he dissolved into sobs. 

Heero was on his feet immediately. This time he wouldn't wait before he acted. Catching Trowa's eyes, he moved to the chair and threw one leg over the arm as he slid down, squeezing in behind Duo. Trowa knelt before Duo, pushing him backwards into Heero's chest, but Duo only sobbed harder, his hands shaking as he flailed for purchase. Trowa whispered something, and Duo began howling, unintelligible mourning as he screamed his distress. Around him and beside him, Heero and Trowa held Duo tight, letting him grieve.

 

 

 

Trowa gave Heero a quick kiss on the lips before heading out, and Heero carefully shut the door. He remained there for a minute, his palm pressed to the wood, feeling the wind surge around the house. 

He'd been wrong, after all. Air can be just as furious and deadly on the surface, even if one can never see it, only feel it. He sighed and turned, startled to see Duo standing in the doorway. 

"Dishes all put away," Duo said, moving to the sofa, his eyes down. They were still red-rimmed and puffy from his crying, but his demeanor had faded into one of simple fatigue. "You sure Trowa will be okay out there?"

"Snow's not coming down as hard," Heero replied, moving to the window. "I can see him, and he's almost past the field. He'll probably stop in and check on Liddie, too."

Duo's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure she's okay?"

"Okay?" Heero shrugged. "That's the point of the―" He paused, something telling him that wasn't what Duo had meant. He frowned, tilting his head at Duo as he tried to figure it out. "Okay as in..."

"Trustworthy," Duo said. "We argued about it, didn't we? Something about..." He stopped, a line between his brows. "They wanted to test on the others? They knew ahead of time?" He shook his head. "Or maybe it was about wearing clothes with colors." Duo gave Heero a rueful look and collapsed on the sofa with a loud groan. "Man, I had no idea I was that hungry. Now I'm too stuffed to move."

Heero leaned against the windowsill and crossed his arms, perfectly aware Duo was changing the subject. Oddly, something in Heero wasn't willing to play. "Do you think Liddie would turn you in? Is that it?"

Duo stiffened, his fingers curling sharply against the sofa cushions, then relaxed as he smiled brightly. "Naw, that's..." He shrugged. "Pay me no mind. I'm just still on a high from Trowa's cooking."

"Deo," Heero said, coming to sit next to Duo. Carefully he settled on the sofa, sitting sideways, noting the way Duo flinched away from him. "Liddie is a good person. She keeps to herself, and lets us be. She's Une's great-aunt, too. This is her house. She's..." Heero noticed Duo was leaning away from him. "Deo...what's wrong?"

"How do you know she's someone you can trust?" Duo rolled his eyes. "Get it in blood or something? Hello, related to Une, probably not entirely on the up-and-up." He snorted and leaned back into the sofa, crossing his arms with a disgusted look.

"I know she's someone we can trust." 

"How?" Duo's eyes narrowed; a challenge. 

"I..." Heero frowned. "I can feel it."

"Oh, bullshit, Heero." Duo shook his head. "That's just bullshit. You can't trust anyone. No way. They'll fuck you over, and fuck you up, and―" He stopped, and raised one shoulder, dropping it in an exaggeratedly nonchalant move. "Never mind."

"Deo―"

"Drop it." His voice was sharp. 

Heero nodded, and leaned back on the sofa. His gaze traveled across the room, and he pursed his lips, staring at the set of board games Trowa had bought, wondering if there were any good ones for two people. "Game of Mastermind?"

"Sure," Duo said, but without too much interest. 

A few minutes later the board was set up, and Duo offered to go first on guessing. He closed his eyes while Heero set the six colored pegs in their places and lowered the cover. At the last minute Heero remembered he was dealing with Duo, and removed one of the colored pegs, leaving an empty space. 

"Go," Heero said. He watched as Duo selected one each of the colored pegs, pushing them into the slots. Heero studied the six carefully, selecting a black and a white peg, placing them in their slots next to the row Duo had filled, on his end of the board. 

"One in the right place, right color," Duo murmured, his eyes on the black peg. "And one right color, wrong location," he added under his breath. Quickly he dropped six colors into the next row, two of which didn't match with ones in the first row. He watched intently as Heero placed two white pegs in the little holes at the end of the row, and one black peg. 

Heero leaned back against the arm of the sofa and waited, knowing that Duo's mouth would eventually start running, as his mind worked out the puzzle. It was almost a relief, after the way he'd had to pry everything out of Jade. He was startled to find that Duo didn't start speaking, but played silently and intently. For a moment, Heero stared at the echo of Jade's purposeful silence, and could only watch, amazed and saddened, and doing his best to keep his expression impassive. Long minutes passed, and the board filled up with pegs as Duo narrowed down the possibilities between six holes and eight colors. Heero noted that Duo was only two or three rows from figuring it out, and was idly considering a private bet that Duo would solve it in two more rows. Duo's words cut through his thoughts.

"Last time we played a game," Duo was saying, "it was...a jigsaw puzzle?"

"Right." Heero set out several more code pegs, and Duo glared at them, then at the colors he'd selected, trying to discern a pattern based on his selections. "A puzzle of an Alpine meadow."

"Sky," Duo said, dropping a blue peg into the first slot of the next row. "And flowers...and..." His fingers halted, a red peg held delicately as his hand hovered over the board. "And then I―" He dropped the peg, his eyes wide. "Oh, shit."

"What?" Heero glanced down at the board, then Duo. "What?"

"I wanted to―" Duo's face went through several shades of red, and he ducked his head. "I...maybe I should just read a book or something."

"Talk to me," Heero replied, the barest hint of pleading entering his voice. "I don't understand."

"I tried to seduce you, too," Duo whispered, his head turned away. "And you...you said no, and I got mad, and we hit each other..." He laughed nervously. "Just like old times, but that time...I wanted to hurt you. Make you go away." He leaned forward, twisting away from Heero. "Fuck, I nearly managed it too, didn't I...oh, fuck."

"You didn't manage it," Heero replied equitably. "And you wouldn't, either."

"How can you be so sure?" Duo's retort was quick, and breathless. "How do you know that for a fact? I nearly―"

"No." Heero shook his head and took the red peg from Duo's fingers, dropping it back into the box. Carefully he set the game on the low table, and the box of colored pegs along with it. Scooting down the sofa, he embraced Duo, Heero's chest against Duo's shoulder as Duo stared into the fire with a miserable look on his face. "You will never manage to break up a relationship I have, no matter what you tried."

"But if―" Duo's body was stiff in Heero's arms. Heero wondered if the affection had been a bad move.

"If Trowa and I ever go our separate ways, it will be the same as why Relena and I divorced. It will be because what we had between us...isn't there anymore. Or wasn't the same, or wasn't good enough. But not because there's someone else, waiting on the sidelines."

"They imprinted all those pets," Duo said, as though he were responding to Heero's comment, and it took Heero a second to follow Duo's jump to the new topic. "How could they do that? It's hard enough to love two people, but to love twenty...it can't be done." He laughed, a harsh sound, and Heero's arms tightened. "Can't even love two people. Just one...that's all you get. And if you mess that up..."

Heero was silent, completely at a loss. Instead, he smoothed down Duo's braid, letting the fingers of his left hand gently massage Duo's arm. Duo was staring blindly at the fire, his expression troubled. 

"I already messed it up, once, so badly..." Duo murmured. "Hilde put up with it for as long as she could, but I...How does Quatre do it?" He sagged in Heero's arms, and Heero could only blink, wondering what step had led Duo's quicksilver mind to the new topic. "I mean," Duo whispered, his head down, "Emmy's cool, but she doesn't understand. She looks at us like we're good people. And Hilde knew, she was there, and she still couldn't understand. I felt like I was always waiting for the cue cards, to know the right thing to say."

"You often say the right thing," Heero pointed out. He was startled by Duo's comments, but then, Duo had never spoken much about the reason for the break-up. Heero wondered if Duo's silence were partially his own fault; Duo and Hilde had fallen apart at a point when Heero and Relena were still too madly in love for Heero to have time or attention to understand why his friends couldn't all be happy, too. Heero cursed the self-centered, younger Heero, and sighed as Duo's shoulders slumped.

"I look back at everything, and I don't know," Duo said. His tone turned emphatic. "I just don't _know._ "

"What don't you know?"

"Whether what someone said is really what they meant." Duo made a face. "I kept dreaming last night that you both...that you'd tell me, now that I'm back..." He chuckled, bitterly. "That you'd tell me it was time for me to leave. Wouldn't blame you if you did, either."

"We're not telling you to go anywhere," Heero chided. "That's the last thing on our minds. As long as you want to stay here, you can." He ran his hand down Duo's braid once more, and dropped it, watching it slither across Duo's shoulder to lay down Duo's spine. Heero sighed and let his arms drop, surprised when Duo shifted sideways to lean his head on Heero's shoulder, his eyes still watching the fire. 

"But how do I know?" Duo's fingers crept up Heero's leg, until they were latched onto Heero's sweater. "I mean...people will say one thing, and mean something else. And the people that seem decent and caring...what if they're not? What if..."

"What if they hurt you," Heero finished. He took a deep breath and put his arms around Duo once more. "I don't know...you'll have to ask Trowa. I've never really known. I'm...not good enough with people. I just go on my instincts, I guess."

"Yeah, well, my instincts suck," Duo retorted. "My instincts are the whole reason―"

In a flash, Heero could see where Duo was heading. He jerked backwards, pushing Duo upwards and twisting him around until they were face-to-face. "You are not to blame," Heero told him curtly. "You were undercover. There was no way you could've known, nothing to tip you off. You are not perfect. You will not always know―" He wasn't sure what he was saying, or wanted to say, but the words kept tumbling out, and he let them, hoping that one of them would be the key to unlock the miserable expression on Duo's face. Finally, Heero let his protests grind to a halt.

"No, Heero," Duo said, a little sadly. "I won't always know. But my instincts...they're all I've had. And if I can't trust them..." He shook his head. "Then there's nothing I can trust."

"But―" Heero was startled to realize that Duo's words also carried a hint that Duo couldn't trust Heero and Trowa, either. "We―"

"Don't," Duo replied, suddenly angry. "Just don't. Don't you dare tell me that you love me, Heero Yuy."

Heero frowned, baffled. 

"I have always relied on myself," Duo said, turning his head away to stare into the fire again. The flames danced in his eyes, rendering the deep blue a strange mix of purple and crimson. "If I get through, it's up to me. In the end, I'm the only one I've got. And that's cool...but I guess I've just realized that it's not enough. I'm not enough. I should've..." 

"Should've what?" Heero didn't want to hear it, and didn't want to ask, but he couldn't stop himself. 

"Done something...instead of letting them do..." Duo shook his head, seemingly annoyed at the tears gathering in his eyes. They caught the firelight as well, and it seemed to Heero momentarily that Duo's tears were bloody. "Those nights, and days...on end...and they did whatever they wanted, and _I let them._ " 

Heero could think of nothing to say. Instead he wrapped Duo in his arms, holding him tightly. It seemed a position he was likely to repeat many times, he thought, and buried his nose in Duo's hair, hoping to offer silent reassurance as long as words were escaping him.

"I've always had a plan, a way, an escape," Duo whispered. "And I didn't. I did what I could and it wasn't good enough. Just wasn't enough. And they..."

The front door opened, startling Duo, and he pushed away from Heero with an abruptness that left Heero feeling stunned. And something else, Heero thought, only belatedly able to identify the feeling as _hurt_ , and only then once Trowa had taken off his coat, gloves, snowy boots, and sat down at the same spot on the sofa that Duo had evacuated so quickly. Heero blinked, and looked down at his arms, still outstretched, as though Duo had only been there a second before. Then he looked up, seeing Duo hand Trowa a warm mug of hot chocolate, and Heero wondered how many minutes had passed while he processed all that Duo had said, and put it against Duo's reaction.

He's still in love with us, Heero thought. The idea very nearly made him gasp, and he barely managed to shake his head when Trowa looked his way, curious. Duo sat in the wingback chair, stretching out his legs as he studiously watched the fire, fidgeting a bit, then leaning forward to stir the fire with the poker. Trowa said nothing, but sipped his hot drink. Duo continued to fuss about, boxing away the game and setting it back on the shelf. He stood up, looking around as he brushed his hands off against the thighs of his jeans, and Heero frowned. Duo caught the look and grinned, a manic expression.

"I'll clean up the kitchen," he said. 

"Deo!" Heero twisted on the sofa to stare at his friend. "You just cleaned it after breakfast."

"But I made hot chocolate, and I should put the pot away..." Duo paused, looking thoughtful. "I'll make more, then. Want some?" His eyes were wide, but the light in them was flat. Heero could only nod, unable to think of a way to alleviate the dullness in Duo's gaze. Duo laughed, too brightly, and backed out of the room. "Yeah...that'd be good, I think," he added, his words fading as he began banging about in the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" Trowa glanced at Heero over the rim of the mug.

Heero waited until Trowa wasn't drinking, and he spoke in a whisper. "I think...he's still...got a lot of Jade in him."

"Your powers of observation amaze even me," Trowa said dryly. "You mean he's still in―" He cut off his words as Heero's glance cut sharply to the kitchen doorway. Trowa sighed and put down the mug. "Deo, come in here. I've got news." He waited as Duo came around the sofa, and guided Duo to sit on the edge of the low table, so his knees were between his and Heero's. Duo looked puzzled at the arrangement, but said nothing, and Trowa sighed. "I spoke with Wufei. There's...been some complications."

"More, you mean," Duo replied.

"Yes..." Trowa rested his elbows on his knees, his hands hanging down, and was quiet for a minute. Duo reached out, tentatively taking Trowa's right hand, and Heero followed the motion, taking Trowa's other hand. Trowa gave them both a wry grin and twisted on the sofa to face them, hands still clasped. "First, May...was one of the ones Quatre lost. August is still alive..."

"Oh, thank―"

"But he's in a catatonic state," Trowa added quickly. 

Duo looked like he was somewhere between smiling and in pain; his teeth were bared as if in shock. 

"Eight more have died, and six are being force-fed after going on starvation diets," Trowa whispered. He licked his lips. "Four more tests were performed. Two died, and two were resuscitated and are in critical condition. Une managed a coalition with Relena's assistance and the councilors from L2, and has halted all tests. She also brought in a team of independent psychiatrists and doctors who are not under the control of the Oversight Committee. That's the good news."

"What's..." Duo's voice was hoarse, his shoulders stiff.

"It apparently did not take the psychiatrists long to completely contradict the team of scientists and doctors," Trowa said, a sardonic note entering his voice. "There is no way back. There will never _be_ a way back. The work done to impress upon the survivors that they are no longer slaves, however well-meaning, has essentially created schisms."

"Meaning?" Heero was amazed he sounded calm.

"In effect, induced schizophrenia." Trowa sighed, and his hand went lax, but Heero didn't let go. "The funds confiscated during the investigation will be used to pay for their treatment. Right now the remaining survivors are being transferred in twos and threes to various psychiatric long-term facilities on earth and the colonies. It's likely...they will stay there for their rest of their lives, barring any breakthroughs."

"All of them..." Duo swayed, and Trowa's grip tightened suddenly. Heero put out his other hand, catching Duo's free hand. "That's..."

"One-hundred seventeen survivors, eighty-nine still living, two in critical condition." Trowa's voice was dull. "I'm sorry." He raised his head. "It looks like...you're the only one who made it."

There was a pause, and Duo sighed heavily before a tired smile appeared. "Yeah, well, that's nothing new," he said, but he sounded tired. 

To the bone, Heero thought, remembering words Duo had used, years ago. Bone-tired. 

"After the war," Duo mused. "Hilde was telling me once that it's okay, if I felt guilty..." He raised his eyebrows, his smile tight. "I asked her why in hell I'd feel guilty, and she said...because I'd survived, where others hadn't. That was when...I realized...we just could never see eye-to-eye. She felt guilty. I didn't. I think I came to grips with the fact that death will always be part of my life, a long time ago. It's not my fault, and it's not like I can do much to save them. I learned that was just the way of it, when I was six. Nothing's ever changed that. People die. Life goes on." He dropped his eyes. "My life," he added, bitterly.

"I'm still sorry," Trowa said. "We should have done something, something more..."

"Really?" Duo looked up, his indigo gaze narrowed and thoughtful. "Just what else did you think you could do?"

Heero was startled. He'd known Duo had a fatalistic streak, but he'd never thought to probe, to see how far it went. Then again, he told himself, I'm not exactly the world's biggest optimist when it comes to thinking I can buck fate. Neither is Trowa, for that matter. It was always Duo who had hope for the future, and plans, if no more reliance in those plans than the rest of them. And even though Duo once believed that his role was Death, it never seemed to stop him from hoping that a potential victim would live.

"I..." Trowa shook his head. "That's...I don't know, I guess it's just because I'm feeling helpless, and frustrated. Wufei told me...when they gave Quatre the news, he...collapsed." Trowa drew in breath, a long shuddering sigh. "Quatre's been at the hospital almost every minute, trying to..."

"Fuck," Heero whispered. "And Wufei let―"

"Wufei was at his side the entire time," Trowa replied. He was quiet, and Heero could see the subtle signs of Trowa drawing in on himself, taking back control. The minute shift in the shoulders, a line flickering between the brows, the rise of the chest as Trowa's spine straightened minutely. "Une has put them both on medical leave for two weeks, and Wufei will be staying with Quatre and his family for the duration."

"What about..." Duo's face was pale. He shifted on the wooden table, and ducked his head until his chestnut bangs hung down in his face.

"No one knows you're here," Trowa told him. "Une has refused to tell anyone, but they're pushing hard. Wufei suspects that's part of the reason she wants the original investigators to be out of the picture during the next two weeks...especially the Gundam pilots. Out of sight, out of mind, while she deals with the Oversight Committee." 

Heero nodded. Made sense. Politicians weren't known for their long memories, unless they'd been personally slighted. And since none of them had family or friends currently facing the prospect of a lifetime in a psychiatric institute, the Committee could reasonably be expected to cheerfully forget the entire fiasco within a week or so. Relena had pointed out such behaviors many times over the course of their marriage. His mind wandered at the thought of his ex-wife. Maybe that's the difference, he pondered, the chill in the air and the long isolation drawing the lines clearer than ever before. Relena could forgive, but refused to forget; he could forget, but never truly forgave. 

Trowa's voice brought Heero back, and he realized it had been several minutes the three had sat, silent, lost in their own thoughts.

"Deo," Trowa whispered. "This is not your fault. I know that'll take awhile, but it's not."

"I know," Duo said, a little too airily. He started to wave a hand to dismiss Trowa's words, but Heero refused to let go of Duo's fingers, and Duo ended up merely shaking their hands once or twice before stopping the attempt. "I was here, and they were there. Not much I could've done to make the scientists and doctors leave 'em all alone."

"Not what I meant," Trowa replied. His eyes were clear, but there were still thin white lines around his mouth, as though he were holding himself under a tight rein. "When I came in...what you were saying...and it's not your fault. You were not in control."

Duo froze. 

"You cannot be held responsible for the fact that someone else had your life in their hands," Trowa continued implacably. "And you cannot be held responsible for what you had to do to keep your life."

Duo swallowed hard, shaking his head slowly without taking his eyes off Trowa. "No," he half-whispered, half-moaned. "There's more I could've done, should've done. If I had―"

"No," Heero said, turning to face Duo more squarely. He tugged on Duo's hand, ignoring Duo's frown, and kept tugging until Duo got the message and moved to sit awkwardly between them. Duo gave a little laugh, self-consciously, and hunched over. 

Heero knew this one, knew this feeling. He just wasn't sure how to put it in words, but he trusted Trowa and Duo would hear him out, so he opened his mouth, and took a deep breath.

"I was...three or four, and my earliest memories are of Odin Lowe," he said carefully. Duo's eyes widened, and even Trowa looked a bit surprised. Heero swallowed hard, and frowned, closing his eyes to block away their reactions while he struggled to find the words. "By the time I was eight, I had assisted directly in killing eighteen people, and indirectly in the deaths of forty-two others. Guns and bullets were the only toys I had. And then Odin died...and Dr. J found me. From then, until the day I came to earth...the control I had was purely an illusion. We have to believe we are in control, Du-eo," he said, catching himself. "I wanted to be in charge of my own destiny, to be the one who decided. Dr. J always gave me three choices. Do it, don't do it, or walk away. But the consequences of not doing a task were clear. I would only escape through death. And my own death would be the only choice I'd ever have."

Trowa's indrawn breath was soft, but loud in the silent room. Heero opened his eyes to see Duo staring at him, a thin line between his brows as he listened.

"We...I want to believe I am in control, that I have a say in what happens to me. But when you're alone, and it's you against all of them, there is no control. And recognizing that..." Heero's voice cracked dangerously, and he had to fight to keep going. "...Recognizing that you weren't in charge, that you had no control, makes you question whether anything else is truly your decision. Every minute, once you become aware of that, you're always going to question whether you...whether you..." He frowned, looking past Duo and Trowa, into the fire, seeing the flames of mobile suits and barracks. He thought he could hear the screams of people he'd killed, and he shook the memories away. "They...shot me up to make me immune to every known disease, and made me workout in double-gravity to increase my strength. I was eleven when they put me in the first Gundam prototype stimulation, and I had to stay in there until I had a clear shot record on the first test. When they let me out, even my blisters had blisters," he added, his lips twisting. And those blisters were bleeding, he recalled, making the levers slippery under my small hands. 

He stared down at his hands, linked with Duo and Trowa. Idly he ran a thumb across the base of his fingers, feeling the calluses still there. 

"That was my life," he continued. "For seven years...control was an illusion. The only thing I had control over was whether I pleased them enough to prove to them I should live. If I didn't, they would...abandon me and begin with another project." Another person, he thought, bleakly. Throw my body out with the trash. Disposable. Heero looked up to see Duo's head was down. "And the truth is, I never had any control. Pleasing them was an illusion, too. The only thing I could do was hang on, and be the best I could. I made...being the best...my small domain, where I had a say." Heero shook his head. "But the truth is, it was an illusion. Even in doing that, I was doing what they wanted. Always."

Heero stopped, wondering why his heart wasn't pounding. Instead, he felt dry, aching deep down, as though he'd been wind-battered at the edges of the atmosphere. 

"They expected me to come to earth as an avenging angel, and die in the process. And I, thinking it would be my own choice, was more than happy to do so." 

"Heero..." Duo's voice was quiet. "I've never not had control. I've never not had...even in those Oz prisons, I was still _me_. I could mouth off and the worst they would do was kill me. Death was not entirely unexpected, even if I won't lie and say I would've been thrilled. But I never...I never wanted to make them happy. I never gave them that control over me, and now..." He crumpled with a sigh, and Heero echoed the feeling as he watched. Duo leaned forward, between them, hunched over. "Every time I do something, I feel like they're behind me, patting me on the head and telling me I'm a good boy." His lips curled in a snarl. "Fucking assholes...and yet, what I want is what they wanted, now. Or is it really what I want? How do I know? And how do I forgive myself for giving in?"

"No one can tell you that," Trowa said. "We can only share stories."

Duo raised his head, and Heero could see the clear question in Duo's eyes. Heero did the same, wondering what Trowa meant. They'd never discussed their pasts, knowing each other for long enough that he'd always felt he knew both of them as well as he knew himself. Knew them well enough that knowing the past was insignificant compared to knowing the future. One more element of believing I have say in my destiny, Heero realized, and his chest hurt. Forget the past, because it's the only way to ignore the cage.

"When I was ten," Trowa began, "I met a girl..."


	29. a winter butterfly

Dream of a winter butterfly.  
A drop of melted snow  
In the Karakorams.  
― Kakio Tomizawa

 

 

 

"I  
think I liked her," Trowa said, and was quiet for a long moment. How do I  
begin, he thought, and decided there was only one way.

At the beginning.

"I was found by mercenaries when I was two, maybe three," he said, his voice feeling hoarse and loud in the room. "The Captain adopted me, although I never had a name...I had a family, of sorts. Then, when I was ten, I found a girl in the woods, and," he paused, trying to figure out the right words, searching through his memory to understand his motivations. "I adopted her, in turn, I guess."

Duo moved next to him, almost imperceptibly, and Trowa recognized Duo was relaxing into him. It was either as reassurance or recognition of the younger Trowa's purpose. Trowa wasn't entirely certain.

"She was a spy," he said, flatly. "Midii had a game, one of those pocket games...around her neck. It was a transmitter, and so was the cross she gave me." Trowa dropped his head, letting his hair fall over his face, feeling the old ache of the betrayal coming back. "The first real gift I'd ever gotten, and...it was a transmitter. We were betrayed, our location revealed, and...I'm not sure, but I think that's how the rest of the troop was contacted, and bribed enough to join the Alliance." And I, Trowa thought, was left with... He sighed. "When they turned on us, I killed all of them. And a day later, the Captain and I were ambushed, again, and the Captain was killed." 

Heero's hand tightened in Trowa's grasp.

"It was me," Trowa said, tight, barely controlled. "I was carrying the transmitter so they could find us. I didn't just kill those who betrayed us, I was also the cause of the Captain's death, and all because I accepted a simple gift." And then I was alone again, he added silently. And I was, for years, even in crowds... He shook off the melancholy, trying to focus on what he needed to say. "They were my friends. But I made it so easy for the Alliance to control me, manipulate me into destroying them, through my own damn weakness and stupidity. She'd said..." He couldn't finish the sentence, couldn't go back to that place.

"You were a kid," Duo whispered.

"I was still played," Trowa retorted bitterly, then frowned, trying to let it wash over and through him, and pass. Control is an illusion, he reminded himself, and I was divested of that illusion far too soon. "There's no way to forgive, or forget, sometimes. It just is. You did the best you could...I did what I thought was right. I didn't know everything, and I couldn't see the strings."

Heero sighed, a long shuddering breath, and Trowa remembered following the other boy across Europe. Now, perhaps, Heero understood why Trowa had never required an explanation. Not knowing didn't mean there was any less guilt, and knowing one's ignorance only made the anger that much more bitter.

"If I went back now, still not knowing...I eventually accepted that I'd do the same all over." Trowa took a deep breath, and waited until Duo returned the steady gaze. "I took on trained mercenaries, and was the only one standing at the end. I survived...and I hated myself for it." He shook his head. "No...for a long time, I didn't even _feel_ anything. Then, feeling came back―" like a cauterized wound, he thought "―but it wasn't regret. It was hatred. I hated my skills, my abilities. As if...being good at what I did, meant I was still dancing to someone else's tune."

The room was silent. A log cracked in the fireplace, and Trowa closed his eyes. The light was red against his eyelids, like the Captain's blood on the dark night's ground. 

"By my own hand or my own ignorance," he whispered, "I killed them all, at the age of ten."

"You were taken advantage of," Duo replied, his hand warm and real, against Trowa's palm.

"And you weren't?"

"That's―" Duo frowned.

"No, it's not really that different," Trowa insisted. "We acted as we thought best. Whether or not we knew it wasn't our tune, we still danced. And we can't live our lives hating ourselves for that."

"I hate them," Duo hissed. "I hate them...I _hate_ them. The things they did," he gasped, suddenly, choking. "I can't even hear my own name. Hours and hours of the word played over and over, and every time a shock that made my heart nearly stop ― I bit through my tongue to keep from screaming, and screamed anyway, choking on my own blood..." Duo arched backwards as if he'd been struck, his face raised towards the ceiling. "I can't even hear my own _name_ without pain!"

Trowa couldn't think of what else to do, so he put his arms around Duo, reaching for Heero, who matched him, after a second's pause. Duo collapsed within their embrace, panting slightly, but not crying. Instead, he was shaking, as thought caught in the grips of a fever, and not their arms. Trowa buried his face in Duo's hair, and all he could feel was lost. 

But he could feel. That was some small victory.

 

 

 

"Okay, guys," Duo said, abruptly. His voice was flat, his body tense, and he struggled against their hold. Trowa released Duo quickly, and Duo stood up, nearly tripping from shoving himself upright so fast. "Look...I...I just need...I think I'm going to go for a walk and think about this. Just...get some air." 

Heero opened his mouth, and Duo put his hands up, shaking his head. A strange grin was flickering across Duo's face, but there was no joy in it. 

"It's cool, Heero, I just...need to be by myself. I'll be back in time for dinner." The smirk faded, replaced with a sad, but genuine smile. "I just need to breathe." 

"We'll be here," Trowa said, and it took everything he had to pull his arms back in. They were still warm from the touch of Duo against the insides of his arms, and Heero's arms along the outside. For a few minutes there, he'd felt complete, for the first time since Duo was back. Perhaps for the first time since they'd found Duo, months ago. He wasn't sure why.

Duo headed upstairs, and they could hear him rattling around, pulling on warmer layers, Trowa suspected. When Duo came back downstairs, Trowa didn't look up, but Heero nodded at what Trowa guessed was a parting wave. Then cold air rushed through the room as the door opened, and closed with a soft click behind Duo. 

Trowa slowly leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands. Something inside him ached, and he felt like he wanted to cry, but he wasn't sure why. Duo was back, and remembering, and despite all the pain, he would be better. He always had been, before, Trowa told himself, but he knew that wasn't the issue.

"Hey..." Heero's voice was tentative, and a gentle hand settled on Trowa's thigh. "Are you..."

"No," Trowa snapped, his voice muffled by his hands. "I'm _not_ okay. I am so far from okay..." 

"What?" Heero's hand retracted, and there was an uncomfortable silence for several heartbeats. 

Trowa couldn't lower his hands, couldn't look Heero in the eye, couldn't move. "Heero. I have to..." He dropped his hands, and stared at them. They'd been covered in blood, so many times, and now they were clean...but he still hurt. He could still feel. He wondered if it were better, if he had retained that emptiness he'd had as a child, he'd kept through the wars... "Heero," he whispered, turning his head away, unwilling to see his lover's face. "I'm...I think I've fallen in love with Duo."

The silence settled back over them, uneasy, and waiting.

"I see," Heero said, in a very small voice.

"I still love you," Trowa said in a rush, but it felt awkward, and forced. They'd exchanged the words only once or twice, in all their time together. Trowa knew his lips were twisting into a sardonic smile, and wondered how that looked to Heero. In four months of having Duo around, he'd said the words to Duo easily twenty or more times than he'd ever said them to Heero. It felt like a betrayal, to recognize that.

"I..." Heero stood up, and didn't finish his sentence. Instead, he left the room, his footsteps echoing in the emptiness of the kitchen.

At that, Trowa did cry. Quietly, he watched the fire, and let the tears pour down his face, unable to even raise a hand to wipe them away.

 

 

 

The phone rang, startling Trowa, and he sat up a bit, wiping his face with the sleeve of his sweater. Heero picked up the phone in the kitchen, but his murmurs were too low for Trowa to hear, and he could only sink back into the sofa, feeling drained and lonely. He closed his eyes, but a few minutes later something warm and hard nudged his shoulder.

"Tro," Heero whispered. "Take this."

Trowa opened his eyes to see Heero holding a steaming mug, and he took it, puzzled, as Heero moved to sit on the low table opposite him. This must be the talk, Trowa thought, and stared down into the cup. Now we get to discuss what to do next, because I can't stay with him, obviously, now that I've blurted it out. And I can't stay with Duo. It wouldn't be fair to Duo, not while he's trying to regain himself. He sighed, watching the ripples across the surface of the tea. If the phone's working, I'll call Quatre in a bit and ask him to come pick me up. I shouldn't stay...

"Tro," Heero said, a little loudly. Trowa looked up at him, and Heero visibly winced, then leaned forward and ran a finger under Trowa's eye, catching a tear. Heero regarded the drop with sorrow, then gave Trowa a tired smile. "I'm sorry...I just needed to figure out a way to tell you..."

Here it comes, Trowa thought. His fingers tightened on the mug. He was surprised when Heero frowned, and set down his own mug, reaching for Trowa's. 

"Let go," Heero said, prying Trowa's fingers off the mug. He exhaled, blowing his hair out of his eyes. "Not my brightest idea, I suppose. Nor my best timing." 

Heero took the mug, setting it next to his on the coffee table, and moved forward until he was perched on the edge of the table, his knees against Trowa's. His hands slipped into Trowa's, their gentleness once again surprising, considering their innate strength. Trowa could feel the calluses on Heero's palms, and he shuddered, remembering Heero's story.

"Trowa," Heero whispered. "Look at me."

Reluctantly, Trowa raised his eyes, bracing himself.

"I'm in love with him, too," Heero said, a wry smile twisting his lips. 

Trowa's mouth fell open. "But..." He couldn't quite think. "You..."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Heero said, his cheeks coloring as he dropped his eyes. "I realized, in the kitchen, I was hurt not because of what you'd said, but because I'd just taken it for granted that admitting how I felt was out of the question, and that you'd never ask me, and I'd never ask you, and we'd..."

"Just pretend we don't feel it?" 

"Yeah," Heero said, ducking his head. "I know I follow my instincts, but my instincts are telling me that this is a bad idea." He glanced at Trowa through his eyelashes, and smiled a little. "Quatre's daughter would say that with capital letters. That kind of bad idea."

"I know," Trowa replied, and sighed, letting all his fear out with the breath. "For a minute there...several minutes, actually, I thought you were letting me have space so I could start packing."

Heero's eyes went wide, and he shook his head furiously, but never once took his eyes from Trowa's. "No, no," Heero protested. "I'd tie you down and not let you up for four days if that's what it took to get you―"

Wrong topic, Trowa thought, but just as quickly, a memory bubbled to the surface, and in the giddy relief of knowing he wasn't hated for his feelings, he couldn't stop himself. "We tried that once already," he said. 

Heero flushed, suddenly, which only made Trowa struggle harder to keep from chuckling. "Yeah," Heero agreed, a bit dryly. "But you wouldn't stop giggling."

"Can't help it if I'm ticklish," Trowa protested, and then he did grin. A second later his arms were full of Heero, and he was pressed against the back of the sofa, as Heero clung to him tightly. 

"Don't leave," Heero whispered in his ear. "Please...I don't want you to go. Ever."

Trowa managed to get his arms out from under Heero, where they'd been trapped against his chest, and embraced his lover tightly. "I won't," he promised. "I was being stupid, but I'm over it now."

"I doubt it," Heero replied, and nipped on his ear. A sly finger poked Trowa in the ribs at the same time.

Trowa giggled.

 

 

 

Almost an hour had passed, and Trowa was starting to worry. He noticed Heero's glances towards the door a few times. The phone call before had been Liddie, to let them know the phone lines were back in order. Heero had asked her to call again if she saw Duo, but the phone hadn't yet rung. A long, slow conversation, carried out in whispers between kisses, had brought them both to the conclusion that they would keep their feelings to themselves, as far as Duo was concerned. He had enough to deal with, and the last thing they needed was to lay more at his feet.

At an hour and a half, Trowa didn't want to say it, but he suspected Heero was wondering the same thing. They had both sat so they could see the clock, and after awhile, they gave up hiding the glances to check the time. Trowa was about to call quits on the game they were playing, put his jacket on and head for the creek, when the front door opened. 

"Hey," Duo said, grinning cheerfully. He stomped on the mat a few times to get the last of the snow off his boots, and then bent over to untie the laces. Something thumped from his pocket, but Trowa couldn't tell what it was, and Duo stood up a second later, still grinning as he hung up his coat. "I forgot just how cold snow really is," he said, and headed upstairs.

Heero gave Trowa a baffled look, and Trowa nodded. Quietly he stood, heading to the door where the coats were hanging. Feeling down the sides of Duo's jackets, he couldn't feel anything in the pocket. Then he noticed his own coat was flipped backwards, revealing the interior pocket. A chill went through him, and he stuck his hand into the pocket, pulling out his cell phone. Hitting a button, he reviewed the last number called. He didn't recognize it, but it wasn't the secure line for Wufei. Someone had made a call since then. Trowa let the phone slip back into his jacket, glanced up at the loft where Duo was rattling around in the drawers again, and held his hand up to his ear in the universal signal for 'phone.'

Trowa dropped his hand just before Duo appeared at the top of the stairs, and managed to smile. "Want some hot chocolate?" 

He got a smile in return, and Duo's smile grew to a grin as he led the way into the kitchen, collapsing in one of the chairs while Trowa poured milk into a pan and set it on to simmer. Heero finished putting the game away and joined them, leaning against the countertop as Trowa got out mugs and French chocolate. 

No one said anything, and for once it was a comfortable silence, yet Trowa felt antsy. He did his best to cover it, keeping his breathing deep and even while he stirred the milk, sifting the chocolate in with an eagle eye. Behind him, Duo whispered an aside to Heero about Trowa's stinginess with the chocolate, and Trowa gathered himself together long enough to throw a wry grin over his shoulder at Duo. 

Soon they gathered in the living room, Duo perched on the hearth, his back only a few feet from the fire. He sighed deeply, a look of intense pleasure crossing his face as he sipped his drink. Trowa watched out of the corner of his eye, from where he'd sat in one of the wing back chairs, and Heero stretched out on the sofa. 

"I could get used to this," Duo said.

"Yeah," Trowa replied, not sure he understood, but preferring to pretend he didn't. "Too bad we're not independently wealthy. Not having to work every day isn't nearly as boring as I expected."

"We've been working our asses off," Heero retorted. "I wouldn't consider putting up drywall to be a relaxing afternoon."

"So says the man who can lift a single piece by himself," Trowa replied, but the barb had no malice. Heero shrugged, his expression just a bit smug. Trowa snorted, and leaned back in his chair, stretching out his legs. "Who's cooking dinner?"

Duo stared down into his mug, and Heero sighed melodramatically. "My turn, isn't it."

Trowa caught Duo's eye, and grinned.

"Ah..." Duo said, looking away, and Trowa frowned, confused. Duo stirred his drink with a finger, and sucked the chocolate off his fingertip before wiping his hand on his jeans. "About dinner..."

"You making a request?" Heero turned his head to give Duo a lazy smile.

"Yeah, something like that," Duo replied. "Well, see...you really only need to cook for two, tonight."

Trowa's first thought was that Duo had a date with Liddie.

"Ah," Duo said, his voice dropping even lower, the baritone becoming a whisper. "Actually, you don't need to cook for three again."

"You're too skinny to diet," Heero replied. Trowa wondered if Heero misunderstood, or was being purposefully obtuse.

Duo shook his head. "I'm...one of the Sweepers should be picking me up in about an hour."

Trowa felt like he'd been punched. Unsteadily, he leaned forward, setting his mug down on the table before placing his hands on his knees. He gripped his jeans tightly, as though he needed to hold on. "Deo...is...did we do something wrong?"

"No," Duo's grin flashed as the man looked his way, but it was manic, and his eyes were flat. "Not at all. You guys have been good...you've been great, really. But...I think I'm in the way, here."

"You're not in the way," Heero said, sitting up. He swung his legs around, his feet hitting the rug with a thump. "You're welcome to stay for as long as you want."

"Maybe I don't _want_ to!" Duo's voice soared, and he bit back whatever else he was going to say, settling down on his haunches with a scowl. "Don't make this hard on me, okay? I've thought it all out, and I'm going to stay with Howard for a while. I love you guys, I really do, and you're a great couple, but I think...I think I've been here long enough."

"Long enough?" Trowa swallowed hard, his throat too tight to force more words through. 

"This seems pretty sudden," Heero observed. "At least on our end."

"Maybe," Duo said, and hunched one shoulder, then dropped it, in an abbreviated shrug. "But it's kinda been on my mind, that I should be moving along. You have lives to get back to, jobs, and places to be. And privacy," he added, a little darkly. "You haven't had much privacy in a long time."

Trowa wasn't quite sure how to respond. No, we're happy without privacy. That wasn't quite right; he missed having a door he could close, behind which he could do and say as he pleased with Heero. We can live without the privacy, for a little longer. How much longer? At what point does a couple need to be by themselves? He stared down at his hands for a minute more before finding his voice.

"We've compromised," Trowa said. "We can live with that...and we're happy with it." He glanced at Heero, who nodded.

"But I'm not," Duo replied quietly. "I...I went down to the creek and thought for a long time. I know why I was down there. That night." 

He set the mug down by his knees, and reached behind him, pulled his hair around and finger-combing it quickly before braiding it in several deft strokes. Snapping a tie around the end, he flipped the tight braid over his shoulder and sat up straight, but his eyes were staring into the distance.

"I knew then that I can't be here, and...be myself," he said. " I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stay. I thought if I could...freeze myself, become ice, become hard...then I could stay. I would..." Duo faltered, and closed his eyes, breathing through his nose before speaking again. "If I could stop _feeling_ , then I would be free."

It doesn't work that way, Trowa thought. No feeling only makes you empty. It doesn't make you free. 

"But you had to go and defrost me," Duo said, and that half-smile was back on his face. He shrugged and picked up the mug, tipping it back as he finished his drink. "So...now that I've melted across your floor and left muddy footprints in your lives, I think I should be going now and let you get things back to the way you like them."

"We..." Trowa hesitated. "I like them the way they are now." He glanced up at Duo, suddenly shy, but hopeful. His voice echoed in his ears, and he could hear the pounding of his heart, underneath the words. "Muddy footprints and all."

"Sure thing, Tro," Duo said, and laughed, but the sound was hollow, and it made Trowa's chest hurt. There was a honk outside, and Duo stood up. "I appreciate you saying it, but you don't need to lie to me. Not me, of all people, remember?" Duo set his mug down on the coffee table, and was gone before Trowa could say anything. His footsteps pounded up the stairs, returning a minute later. 

Heero was on his feet, his expression pole-axed. Duo paused, giving Heero a quick grin. 

"Hey, it's okay, buddy, Tro'll take care of you." Duo glanced over his shoulder at Trowa, the grin becoming tight. "Promise, right? You'll take care of Heero. Keep him safe."

Trowa nodded, coming to his own feet. This isn't happening. The horn sounded again, and Duo laughed, but it all sounded as though it were too far away. Trowa couldn't think fast enough, over the thundering sound of his heart, and the ache in his chest where something felt like it was being ripped in two. 

"Hey, Heero," Duo said, and the door clicked open. "Don't let Trowa fall..."

And then he was gone, the door shutting softly behind him.

Heero stared at the door, then turned to face Trowa. 

"He left," Trowa said, and raised his hands palm-up, then dropped them. 

There was silence, and they could hear the truck's wheels crushing the snow as it backed around next to the Jeep. Then the engine revved, and after a few more heartbeats, it faded, leaving the two of them alone. Heero's face was pale, and his eyes were large, bewildered, creases at the edges of his mouth from the tightness as he panted softly. Five minutes, ten minutes passed as they stared at each other, uncertain, and unwilling to speak, for fear of letting the absence become real.

"I don't understand," Trowa finally whispered. "I thought..."

"I don't know." 

Trowa frowned. "One minute he was..." He stopped, thinking back over the day, and raised his gaze to see Heero staring back at him.

In the blink of an eye, Heero's demeanor shifted, narrowing down to a fine point, only a second behind Trowa in comprehension. Trowa could feel his own face settling into the lines of his old life. The idyll had ended. It was time to deal with the consequences, and a broken heart was the least of their worries.

"Call Quatre, _now_ ," Heero called. He was already heading up the stairs. 

They knew why Duo had left.


	30. a crossroads temple

In a crossroads temple  
He claps alone...  
Winter prayers  
― Issa (Kobayashi Yatarô)

 

 

 

Heero was down the stairs five minutes later, and Trowa met him at the bottom, shaking his head. Without a word, the two left the house, Heero tossing the keys to Trowa. Down the driveway, and Liddie was on the front steps of her house, waving, as they passed.

"Called her, too," Trowa said.

"Ah," Heero said, his head down as he studied Trowa's phone. If Quatre and Wufei were out of touch, who did that leave? He frowned. "How do I review the numbers called?"

"Pound-seven," Trowa replied, turning right at the bottom of the driveway, heading for the main road. 

Heero stared at the number, and shook his head. "Fucking unbelievable," he whispered. 

Trowa shot him a surprised look.

"Duo called Relena." Heero waved Trowa's response, the phone already to his ear as he dialed. After a minute, he hung up, frustrated. "Can't get a signal." He set the phone on the dashboard, reminding himself to try again in a half-hour, when they were clear of the worst of the mountain range. He was a little surprised that Duo would have remembered Relena's private line, but it didn't surprise him that Relena would've given Duo the number at some point. Heero had always assumed he was the only one to call it, but Duo and Relena had been good friends for a long time. 

"Lay back and take a nap," Trowa told him. "I'll wake you when we get to the Saint-Croix highway."

 

 

 

Forty-five minutes later, Heero tried again. Relena answered.

"Hello," she said.

"Relena," he replied, and was startled at her response.

"No, I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number," she told him, and hung up. 

Heero stared at the phone in consternation, then realized Trowa was waiting impatiently. Heero laughed, a bit awkwardly. "Relena hung up on me," he explained. "She said something about a wrong number."

"Something's going on," Trowa replied. "She'll call back, then."

When she can, Heero thought, and wondered. He set the phone back on the dashboard, and lay back. Sleep didn't come, but daydreams did, restless and anxious. His chest ached, and the passing miles of whiteness, a countryside blanketed in snow, did nothing to ease his worries. Trowa was driving at the Jeep's limit, but even Wing could not have gone as fast as they wished.

 

 

 

An hour later, the phone rang. Heero was awake instantly, sleep-heavy eyes fumbling with the phone to hit the button to answer.

"Hello!" His jaw cracked as he yawned, vaguely aware he'd been dreaming of building a house while trying to stop someone from burning it down. "Yuy," he added belatedly.

"Heero," Relena whispered. "What's going on?"

"You tell me," Heero answered. "I've got your number on Trowa's phone. Seems Duo called you."

"Yeah, he got here three hours ago. He's a complete wreck..." She paused, and Heero waited. Relena's voice dropped even lower. "I don't want to wake him...I stalled him as long as I could, and convinced him to take a nap in your old study." 

"Is he okay? What did he tell you?"

"He's not okay," Relena replied, a bit sharply. "He was practically in tears when he got here. It was like...I don't know," she said, giving a bitter laugh. "I've never seen Duo cry, but he was having a hard time not doing it when he got here. He wants me...he wants me to take him to Bremen."

"Thought so," Heero said. 

Trowa sighed, his hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. Traffic was getting heavier.

Heero leaned back and closed his eyes. "Any idea what he plans?"

"I don't know," she replied, her voice edged with worry. "He promised me...he said...he didn't really promise...but he said he wouldn't kill anyone. I guess...Oh, Heero." Relena's voice broke. "What's going on? I haven't heard from you in months, and Duo's in the study, sleeping..." Her voice hitched. "I checked on him a few minutes ago, to take him a blanket...and he's sleeping, curled up in the tightest ball...with that blue sweater I gave you on our last anniversary, and a green shirt. I...think the shirt is Trowa's. I don't understand."

Heero was quiet for a minute, listening to the familiar sounds of Relena's breath catching, and he knew there were tears running down her face. He couldn't think of what to say, his mind too caught on the fact that Duo had taken something of theirs. A part of him wondered if that was a good sign; a part of him was frustrated and angry Trowa and he weren't there in person, for Duo.

"We don't know what he's planning," Heero finally said. "So we don't know if we need to stop him, or help him. If he's sleeping, let him sleep. Are you at your city residence?"

"No, I'm near Liege, for the Agricultural Conference." Relena sighed, and Heero could almost see her running a hand through her shoulder-length hair, brushing it absently away from her face. "Duo asked me to arrange transportation and gave me Howard's information. Howard found a Sweeper in the area, who took Duo to the airport...and why did he tell me to call him Deo?"

Heero blinked, caught off-guard by the abrupt change. "Trowa, head north to Liege," he said, then returned his attention to Relena. "It's a nickname we gave him. Just use it for now. So Duo...Deo arrived by plane?"

"About forty-five minutes ago. If you're driving, you won't be here for another two hours," Relena said. "Hold on...Marie," she called, and then her voice was muffled for several minutes. "Where's the nearest city to where you are now?"

"Coming up on Nancy," Heero told her.

"Pull off there. I'll have Marie arrange a charter. Take it straight to Bremen. Hopefully you'll get there about when we do." Relena paused, then came back in a rush. "I'll stall as long as I can. Please hurry. I don't know what's going on, but I hope you'll fill me in later."

"I will," Heero promised. "Relena...thanks. Love ya."

"You, too," she whispered, relief in her voice. "Give Trowa my love, too, and tell him I'm sorry that last assignment was hell. The asshole's gone."

Heero chuckled, a little surprised at Relena's crisp tone. "I'll let him know." He shut off the phone, giving it a fond look before setting it back on the dashboard. "Take the exit for Nancy," he told Trowa. "Relena's arranging a shuttle for us to get to Bremen."

"What's the news?"

"Duo's sleeping, but is likely to push for Bremen the minute he wakes up," Heero said. "I suspect Relena will insist on going with him, but..." He repeated Relena's comments, and Trowa was silent for several minutes.

"She is an amazing woman," Trowa said. Heero nodded, then scowled as Trowa followed it up. "Even if she's got questionable taste in men."

 

 

 

"Maintain 180 knots or better to the marker," came the Tower's voice. 

"Roger that," Heero replied, flipping several switches as Trowa prepared the shuttle for landing. 

Ten minutes later, they were touching down, and Heero sighed as they began the interminable wait for taxi clearance. 

"Hold short," the Tower operative said for the third time, and Heero contemplated punching the speaker. He glanced at Trowa, whose attention was fixed squarely on the tarmac in front of them, and the three planes slowly trundling past. After another minute the Tower's new instructions came across the line, and Heero gritted his teeth and thanked them as the plane taxied towards its spot by the hangar.

On the ground, Heero shouldered the bag while Trowa called Relena's assistant. 

"Marie, we're in Bremen," he said, his voice raised over the wind whistling against the mouthpiece. "What's the location on Relena and Duo?" He was quiet for a minute, one finger pressed to his ear, then said something else Heero didn't catch, and hung up the phone. He slipped it into his jacket with a worried expression. "They're at the prison," he told Heero.

"Let's move," Heero replied, and waved down the first taxi he saw. Ignoring the people in line, he flashed his Preventers badge and jumped in, barely waiting for Trowa as he yelled at the driver to head for Bremen's International Court Prison. 

Once again, Heero was stuck waiting while someone else drove, but this time, Trowa's hand slipped into his, and he clung tightly, welcoming the reassurance. He didn't look over, though, his eyes fixed on the passing scenery. Somehow, it seemed, if he didn't watch, they wouldn't keep moving, and everything in his body told him they needed to be with Duo, _now_.

 

 

 

At the prison, Heero and Trowa took the steps two at a time, but were brought up short by an older guard who put out his hand. He looked tired, his white hair standing on end as the winter wind whipped it into a halo around his worn, brown face. 

"Yuy, Barton," the man said. "Officer Konkosko. I'm afraid you missed them."

"Relena," Heero ground out.

"Yes, she and Mister Maxwell." The man sighed, and shoved his hands into his pockets when it was clear neither Heero nor Trowa would be offering their own. "Why don't you come inside, and I'll fill you in. Minister Darlian's assistant said..." Konkosko shrugged. "Come on, men. It's too cold out here for an old man like me."

Bewildered, and frustrated, Heero and Trowa followed the man into the prison. They weren't asked for their ID; the man's nod to the guard at the door seemed to be permission enough. Down a long hallway, past several quiet offices where other old men shuffled papers and drank coffee, Heero and Trowa were led into a small meeting room. The concrete walls were windowless and bare, and a single fluorescent light hung overhead. Konkosko pointed to the coffee machine on a counter running along the wall. 

"Help yourself," he said. 

While Trowa poured coffee for them both, Heero took a chance to study the man. Konkosko looked to be about in his fifties, with sharp gray eyes the color of the winter sky. His shoulders were slumped, and his hands were lined. There was a scar across the back of two knuckles, which Heero guessed was from a knife blade. The man seemed laid-back and friendly, but Heero knew from dealing with Duo that such appearances were sometimes deceiving. They could even be life threatening, if one chose to fall for the illusion. Heero stayed on edge, accepting the coffee from Trowa without taking his eyes off Konkosko.

"Maxwell and Minister Darlian left twenty minutes ago," Konkosko said. "I don't know where they headed. Marie― Miss Strauss, I mean, only had a few minutes to pass along a message from Miss Darlian. She said Miss Darlian had slowed things as much as she could." He spread his hands out, in a gesture of surrender. "I remember Maxwell's reputation from the war. He can be very persuasive."

Heero nodded. Trowa didn't move, his coffee untouched as he waited.

"I'm the head warden here. I've been doing it for forty years, and frankly, if I lose my job over this, I don't give a damn." Konkosko sighed again, leaning back as he crossed his arms and stared at the concrete wall. "If I had a say in the matter, those men in those holding cells wouldn't be facing five, six years of trials and appeals. They'd be dead already." The man shot Heero a look. "Oh, I read the records. They're sealed against the media, but not to me. And those men are slime. So." He shrugged again, and smiled ruefully. "When Maxwell told me he wanted to speak to them, I saw no reason why not. I couldn't let him into the cells—for his protection, not theirs. And not at his insistence, but at Miss Darlian's. She was adamant, but Maxwell didn't seem fit to argue. He simply told me he wanted to talk, and I believed him."

Trowa stirred, glancing at Heero, who nodded. Trowa exhaled sharply, and returned his gaze to Konkosko, who was watching them closely.

"There's a main aisle, where we have holding cells for those on trial, on the base floor. Makes it easier to get them in and out, everyday. The floors above are for the longer-term inmates. It's Bremen's only major prison, so we're maximum security, if temporarily while prisoners are sentenced and moved onto permanent arrangements." Konkosko smiled, a little bitterly. "Which means that when Maxwell walked into the aisle, he had the ears and eyes of men who will eventually reside at nearly every major prison in the European continent." 

Heero raised an eyebrow.

Konkosko pursed his lips. "I stayed behind the doors. I'm the warden. It's not my job to escort people."

"Did anyone escort them?" Heero narrowed his eyes.

"Only Maxwell went in," Konkosko said. "If Miss Darlian had said she'd go with him, I was going to insist on guards." The man's eyes narrowed, and he glanced from Heero to Trowa, and back again, assessing them both. "Maxwell has eyes like yours. If anything happened, my men could do no less than him. I know his reputation, but seeing him...I believe it." He grinned. "Besides, nothing was going to happen...but I still had snipers trained on the space around him, every minute he was in there."

Trowa relaxed, a little.

"Maxwell walked along the aisle, where the forty-eight men are being held. Whatever he said to each cell was too quiet to hear, and honestly, I'm wondering if he really did say anything. He stood there for a long time, and then he finally talked...only he talked not to the men waiting for their trial...but to everyone else." The older man's voice had gone hushed, and reverent. "I heard rumors, during the wars, about Deathscythe. How it could sneak up on you, and you'd never know what got you. Wasn't ever sure if it was propaganda or the kind of tales soldiers tell each other before bedtime, like the wartime version of ghost stories." Konkosko's face had gone pale. "But if Maxwell had half the power in a Gundam that he had, alone, in that aisle...I'd never want to meet him in battle."

"What did he say," Trowa whispered, the intonation making it less a question, and more a plea.

Konkosko leaned back with a sigh, and began to repeat Maxwell's words. The cadence, the inflection, Heero thought, mimicked Duo completely. He suspected Konkosko already knew he'd remember the words for the rest of his life.

_I am Duo Maxwell. During the war, I flew Deathscythe._

The prisoners had yelled, some protesting that a kid like him was no Gundam pilot. Others, familiar with the news broadcasts, argued in support of Duo's statement. Still others, seeing the braid, had shouted about terrorists. But most had yelled and beaten the bars of their cages, refusing to listen to a pipsqueak on the wrong side of the division.

_Who here has killed twenty men?_

Some of the prisoners fell silent.

_Who here has killed forty?_

The yelling died down, and only a few still catcalled.

_I am twenty-six years old, and in my lifetime I have killed over three hundred and seventy-two people. I am Shinigami._

The prison was completely silent.

_These men are mine. I claim these forty-eight men in the name of my vengeance. But I will not let these men go gently into a peaceful rest that they do not deserve. I have a request to ask of you, if you will hear me._

Two or three prisoners shouted their willingness, and Duo turned in a circle, staring up at the open aisles above him. The inmates, on the balcony aisles above, took up the agreement. The hammering and rattling of the cages made the floor shake. Duo raised his hand over his head, waiting for silence, and eventually the inmates gave it to him.

_Death is mine to give, and mine only. Do what you will to these men, in any way, at any time, with no fear of repercussion from me...so long as you **let them live**. Let them wallow in their suffering, because I am Shinigami, and I will not bless them with death._

Miss Darlian had swayed at that, stepping forward. Despite the distance—four inches of bulletproof glass, and fifty yards—Duo turned as though he knew, and silenced her with a look. The prisoners were quiet, too. Konkosko and his men, safe in their offices, and the snipers at the lookouts, all held their breath. 

_Whoever kills one of these forty-eight men will take his place. Because I have determined that these men shall **suffer** , and I will have my vengeance._

Shinigami, one of the prisoners cried. Another prisoner, on an upper floor, screamed the name as well. The prison walls shook with the cries.

Duo smiled.

 

 

 

"He had something under his sweater," Konkosko added. "It hadn't shown up on the security system, and when he pulled it out, for a minute..." Konkosko shuddered a little, rolling his eyes. "Saw my long and boring career go past my eyes, then, I'll tell you!"

"What was it?" Heero shifted, growing impatient.

"A whip," Konkosko replied. He seemed a little bewildered, and scratched at his head absently. "Maxwell held it up, then tossed it onto the ground in front of one of the cells. And then he turned and walked off. He said nothing else to me, or Miss Darlian, but...the look in his eyes." Konkosko exhaled, in a shaky breath. "If I were in doubt before that he could kill so many...I'm not, now. I've seen those eyes before." He looked at Heero, then Trowa, as if to say: you, too, gentlemen.

The room was silent, and Heero could hear the echoes of Duo, slipping into Konkosko's gravelly tone. 

_I have determined that these men shall suffer, and I will have my vengeance._

He was brought back to the present by a beeping sound, coming from a pager on the older man's belt. Konkosko muttered something under his breath, and stood up. "I have to go, gentlemen. Emergency already, so I'll just show you to the main desk, and Roberts can escort you out from there. If you need a cab, let him know."

Trowa nodded and stood, and Heero picked up the hastily packed bag, wondering for a moment where they would end up rushing to, now. He felt tired, and still worried, but somehow at peace. He hadn't wanted Duo to live with the knowledge of more deaths, and he had feared, just as much, what it would have meant to Duo, had Duo tried and failed. Heero wondered if Relena had suggested any part of it, and wasn't sure. Duo had promised no death, after all. Perhaps he'd had this in mind, the entire time. Heero kept his head down, jogging along behind Trowa and Konkosko. Another man stepped out of an office, his dark face creased with wrinkles and worry.

"Boss, two down, already," the man said.

"How bad? Where?" Konkosko paused, and Trowa and Heero stopped behind him.

"They were jumped in the showers. Concussions, contusion, one broken leg. One guy's got two dislocated shoulders."

"It's starting," Konkosko said. He turned, his eyes steely, and his face gave away nothing. "Showers are more dangerous than people realize, gentlemen. Roberts is right down there. Have a safe trip."

"Thanks for your time," Trowa said, and Konkosko waved a hand. 

"Smashed kneecap," the man was saying in the background. Past him, Heero could see another man hang up the phone, and stand up. 

"Boss, five more, taken out in the kitchen, severe burns. We'll need more medics," he called.

"Going now," Trowa said, grabbing Heero's arm. He dropped his voice to a whisper, as they strode towards a young man waiting at the front desk for them. "There's nothing more we can do here. Shinigami did it all."

_I have determined that they shall suffer, and I will have my vengeance._

 

 

 

The phone rang as they waited for the taxi to arrive. Trowa pulled it out, looked at the number, and handed it without a word to Heero, who accepted it with a mild frown.

"Yuy," Heero said.

"Tell the driver to get you to the Bremen Court Hotel," Relena said, her tones frantic and rushed. "Please hurry. I didn't know where we were heading or I would've told Marie to tell you, but Duo― Deo― just suddenly told me to stop. We got two rooms, and he's locked himself in his. I don't...I would...but..."

She trailed off, and Heero knew she was remembering the nights he'd had nightmares, after they'd married. He'd slept in the study, unable to handle another person too close. She'd learned quickly that sometimes he'd needed the space, and now Duo's behavior was bringing those memories back. Relena sounded like she was close to breaking, and Heero swore under his breath as the taxi pulled up.

"What's the room number?"

"Four-oh-seven, end of the hallway."

Heero repeated the address to the cab, piling in beside Trowa. "Rel, get a second door key from the front desk, and leave it in an envelope outside the door to his room." He lowered the phone to look at the cabbie. "Estimated time?" 

"Twenty, mate," the cabbie said, pulling away from the curb.

"Make it ten, and we'll triple your fare."

"Pay any tickets I get, too, and you've got a deal."

"We're on our way," Heero told Relena, and hung up.

 

 

 

The envelope was outside the door, and the hallway was quiet. Heero glanced at Trowa, who nodded and took a breath as Heero slid the card-key into the slot. The light blinked from red to green, and Heero cautiously pushed the door open on silent hinges.

"Deo," Heero whispered, stepping into the room, letting his eyes adjust. 

He could hear muted bedsprings creaking, and the rustling of fabric. A dark shape moved on the bed, backlit by the city lights coming in through the window. Trowa stepped in behind Heero, dropping the bag by the door, and letting the door close.

"Figured you two would show up eventually," Duo replied. His voice was muffled. "Relena must've called you."

"If she hadn't, we would've called her," Trowa said. He moved to a chair, near the bed, and sat. Heero leaned against the dresser, his arms braced on the cool wooden surface. Trowa's voice was calm, but faintly sad. "Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you want us there?"

"I had to do it, myself. On my own." The figure on the bed shifted, and Heero realized Duo was almost completely under the covers, hidden but for his face. "I never needed someone watching my back, before. I've got to get used to that again..."

"We always watched each other's backs," Heero told him. "We're friends. That's what we do for each other." He snorted, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of crossing four countries in eight hours, chasing one man from the mountains to the city. "We did it even before we were friends, but we were always brothers-in-arms."

"Yeah, comrade," Duo said. "Well, it's done. I didn't kill anyone, but I was tempted. Do you feel better, knowing that?"

"It's not for us to say," Trowa replied evenly.

"Sure." Duo moved again, and the blankets whispered as they slid over his huddled form. "I'll stay here tonight, and tomorrow I'll head back with Relena. Howard's waiting for me in Paris."

"Deo..." Heero swallowed hard. He glanced at Trowa, who nodded, and Heero gripped the dresser's edge tightly, as if holding on. "Did we do something? Was it something―"

"Heero," Duo sighed. "Don't make me give that crap cliché about it's not you, it's me."

Trowa raised his head, staring at Duo's pale face, swathed in the blankets, pale in the darkness. "If it's you, then, we want to―"

"No," Duo snapped. "There's nothing you can do. It just _is_. And being around you isn't going to make it go away, or make it any easier."

"Make what any easier, Deo?" Heero idly pondered how much longer until he broke off an edge of the dresser in his hands, and whether Relena's credit would cover the cost. "We...I don't understand."

Duo sat up with a start, throwing off the covers. "I'm in _love_ with you two, damn it!" 

Trowa opened his mouth, but Duo shook his head violently. 

"No!" Duo pushed his hair out of his face, and scrambled off the opposite side of the bed, backing up until he was against the wall. His eyes were wide and frightened, darting back and forth between them. "No, don't you say it. Because I'm _not_ in love with you, neither of you, no fucking way. It's not ME," he shouted, the sound abrupt in the dark room. "Not ME! Get that through your heads! It's all what the stupid training says, what those assholes wanted. And I won't do it! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Heero opened his mouth, and closed it, hanging his head. Trowa didn't move.

"I don't know who I am," Duo whispered, sagging against the wall. He turned his head, and Heero looked up to see Duo's profile against the skyline. "I don't know what I want...or if what I want is just more crap beaten into my head. I want to be happy again, and not be so...empty all the time. But the only things that make me happy are the things those bastards wanted, and I can't...I won't...do that. I won't play that game. If I'm going to do something, it'll be because _I_ want it. But I don't _know_ what I want...or if what I want is what they want."

"I understand," Trowa said, gently. 

The words sounded inadequate against Duo's cries, Heero thought, but he couldn't think of what else to add. He could only nod, because he also understood, even if he had no words. Duo watched them both for a few long minutes, then turned towards the window again, his eyes on the distant skies. 

"I'm going back to space," he said, very calmly, as if discussing the weather. "Don't come looking for me. Don't try...don't try to be anything but what you are, for each other. I want to...I want a lot of things, but I don't trust that what I want is what _I_ want. I don't...I don't trust myself. And I don't trust that I won't fuck everything up between you two―"

"You can't," Heero protested, unable to hold back.

"I don't KNOW!" Duo spun, a hand out. Heero couldn't tell if it was to form a fist, or thrown up to ward off a punch. Duo froze in that position, then slowly lowered his hand. "I...there are a lot of things I wanted to say. But I can't, now. I just don't trust myself, to not say something wrong and ruin everything. I don't know what's right, or wrong, at all. It comes and goes...and I feel so very small." He lowered his head, his hands clenching and unclenching against his thighs as though looking for something to hold onto. "I'm sorry. I...I have to go."

"Deo," Heero tried, one more time, but didn't move as Duo came around the bed, grabbing a bag from the dresser. Heero turned his head, watching Duo move to the door, then stop. For a moment, Heero's heart soared into his throat, almost certain that Duo would change his mind, would turn around, and come back. But Duo didn't move, one hand on the door, his head down.

"That's not my name," Duo said, softly. "I'll see you two again, someday, and when I do, I'll have my name back. I promise."

And with that, he left.


	31. a lightning flash

A lightning flash:  
Between the forest trees  
I have seen water.  
― Masaoka Shiki

 

 

 

Trowa stared at the calendar, feeling almost numb as he lifted the page, securing it firmly to the wall in his apartment. Stepping back, he regarded the picture with some skepticism. It was something Quatre's daughters had picked out as a gift, probably, he'd thought, because they had little idea what to get an uncle. Obviously Quatre or Emmy had failed to make any suggestions that had satisfied the girls, which could be the only reason he'd ended up with a calendar of baby animals. 

He sighed and turned away from the stark reminder that it was now February. Odd, to think back, odder still to remember the surprise he'd felt to discover that Duo had left the hotel room only an hour before midnight, on Christmas Eve. Ten years to the day, the last time they'd faced a true battle, and this time, they'd lost. 

Trowa's gaze traveled across the small kitchen—no more than a series of cabinets stuck in an alcove along one wall of his apartment—as Ifrit wound around his feet, crying for dinner. Automatically, he began filling the bowl. It had taken them two weeks, with Quatre's and Wufei's help, to pack everything in the cabin, negotiating around travel times and mountain snows. Trowa stared at the box of cookbooks, stacked by the cabinets. He hadn't been able to unpack them. Not yet. 

He turned in a circle, wondering if this night would be the night that he'd finally accept the reality and begin unpacking. Heero had accepted a high priority mission on L1, and Trowa had let him go without a word. A few days before Heero had returned, Trowa had accepted an infiltration job in South Asia. His bag and jacket were still by the door; one more thing yet to be unpacked. He'd gotten the message from Wufei that Heero had to fill in on Relena's staff, and wouldn't be back for another two days. 

Trowa felt empty, and somehow fragile. After nearly six months of living cheek-by-jowl with two other people, and here he was back to where he'd been before it all started. A different apartment, yet, but in some ways, far less than he had before. Catherine had come to visit, and despite all her protests, the only thing he'd gotten from the storage unit was the sofa. Everything else he left, unable to truly focus on the fact that things were back to normal. 

Normal, Trowa repeated silently, and sat down on the sofa, blindly groping behind him for the blanket. Pulling it over him, he stared at the curtained window, and wondered what Heero was doing. Probably listening to some politician drone on, while glaring at the collected masses from over Relena's shoulder. Trowa sighed and leaned his chin on his fist. He should stretch out, because otherwise his muscles would cramp, he knew, but he just couldn't be bothered. Ifrit jumped up on his lap, and Trowa shifted to let the cat curl up, the weight comforting. Absently he scratched the cat, but his eyes were fixed on the distant horizon, invisible past the drawn curtains. 

Nothing really seemed worth the effort, anymore. 

 

 

 

February third, and Trowa came home from the Preventers' office with a bundle of folders and disks for the upcoming mission. Heero had written two days before, and Trowa hadn't had time, at first, to respond. Then, as the day passed, and moved into the next, Trowa couldn't find the words. Sighing, he unlocked his door and shouldered it open, his arms full with his notes. He was startled when they were removed suddenly, and he stepped back in shock, reaching for his weapon. 

"No need," Heero's voice softly said. "It's just me." 

"Just you," Trowa repeated, and sighed. "Sorry...thought you wouldn't be back until Thursday." 

"Hadn't heard from you," Heero said. "Relena let me go early. I was worried." 

"I'm okay." 

Heero clicked on a light, and Trowa frowned. 

"You've been sitting here in the dark?" 

"It wasn't dark when I got here." Heero opened the fridge and took out several bags, and began unpacking them on the countertop. "I thought you might not have had a chance to make dinner. In fact," he glanced over, a bit disapprovingly, "you have no food or drink in this apartment." 

"It's just a place," Trowa said, and shrugged. He glanced down at the newspaper, folded up on the sofa. Several items were circled in red. "You're leaving Preventers?" 

Heero glanced over, saw the newspaper in Trowa's hand, and shook his head. "No. Leaving...something else." Seeing Trowa's baffled look, he nodded at the paper. "Just look." 

Trowa frowned, but dutifully took a closer look. "Three bedroom apartment on each floor," he read out loud. "Why do you need that much space? Are you...are you moving somewhere else?" 

"No," Heero said, setting the containers in the stove to reheat. He wiped his hands on his jeans and came to stand in front of Trowa. He tapped on the newspaper. " _We_ are moving somewhere." 

"We just moved in," Trowa said. 

Heero arched an eyebrow. "You moved in. I moved in. Well, I moved in. You appear to be still in the stages of moving, without much 'in' involved. However, I am discussing making another move, where it's an 'us' instead of you, and I." 

"As in...live together?" Trowa blinked, then smiled despite himself. "I guess we were living together for several months, weren't we..." 

"I miss it," Heero admitted frankly. "I like this house." He pointed to one description. "It's in the old town section, which is being gentrified finally, so houses are cheap. It's four floors, with basement and attic, and the two main floors are each a three-bedroom apartment. I thought we could..." He paused, looking worried. "Fix up one floor, and live there while we fix the other...and have it ready..." He looked away, his shoulders slumping just a bit. 

Trowa leaned forward and kissed Heero, quickly, then tapped Heero on the head with the newspaper. Trowa had understood immediately, and chose to take the cover story rather than say it out loud. He couldn't, any more than Heero could. "It'd be good to have an apartment to rent out," he said, choosing his words carefully. "Extra source of income...and use all those skills we learned, doing renovations." 

Heero nodded. "I hope you like it. I've got the paperwork for the loan with me." 

"The loan?" Trowa's eyebrows shot up. "You mean...wait, I thought we'd see it first." 

"I saw it this afternoon," Heero replied, leaning over his bag, sitting next to the sofa. "It's in good shape. Better shape than the cabin was, and I don't think we'll need to replace _too_ many windows." 

Trowa made a face. "Uh...wouldn't it be preferable to buy a house where we don't have to replace _any_ windows?" 

"Where would be the challenge in that?" Heero grinned. 

 

 

 

The first of March, and they moved into the house, settling on the second floor as more livable while they fixed up the first floor. Several Preventers showed up to help them move, and despite the good-natured teasing about not being able to make up their minds about where to live, the truck was unpacked in one day. 

That night, exhausted, dirty, tired, but full from the dinner Wufei had cooked in their new kitchen, the two men stood by the bedroom window, looking out onto the rooftops of the old houses, stretching out down the hillside and into the city below. Heero slipped an arm around Trowa's shoulders, and turned them face-to-face.

"I have something," Heero said. He reached in his pocket, and pulled out a small silver pendant. "This...I found it, when we were packing the cabin." 

Trowa reached for the pendant slowly, holding his breath. Intellectually, he knew the pendant would be warm from being in Heero's pocket, but he expected the metal's gentle edges to be harsh, cold, and reproving against his fingers. Carefully he cradled the pendant in the palm of his hand, startled when two more identical pendants joined it. He stared, until Heero sighed and took one, putting it gently around Trowa's neck. The other Heero took, and placed around his own neck. Trowa finally lifted his gaze to Heero's, tearing it away from the lone pendant still remaining in his hand. 

"We gave that to him, to remind him of how much we care," Heero whispered. "I don't want to forget." 

Trowa nodded, setting the pendant down on the edge of their dresser. Hesitantly, almost shyly, he reached for Heero, running his finger along the pendant before following with his lips. When he pulled away, he could see Heero's eyes were glittering. 

"I won't forget," Trowa promised. 

They made love that night. With their sore bodies, each gesture and move was more awkward than seductive, but it was real. 

 

 

 

In April, Howard contacted them, replying to the email they'd sent with their new address. He was in Paris for the week, dropping off a shipment for the Sweepers. Duo wasn't with him, but Howard wanted to meet them for lunch. A little nervously, Trowa agreed, clearing the date and making sure Heero would also be available. 

Howard was waiting at the small café near the Preventers' headquarters when they arrived. His customary brightly patterned shirt was covered up with a dark blue sweater, and a long coat, but he was still wearing his favorite sunglasses. He grinned and waved from his table when the two men walked in. After they each placed their orders, Howard handed his menu to the waitress. He didn't bother with the small talk, well aware that neither Trowa nor Heero usually saw reason for it. Howard leaned forward, studying Heero and Trowa over the tops of his sunglasses. 

"How are you two kids holding up?" His voice was flat, but not unkind. 

"Day by day," Trowa replied, uncomfortable. Beside him, Heero only nodded. Trowa sighed. "It...helps to be in a different place. But sometimes I still expect Duo to be sitting by the window and..." He turned away, unable to continue. "We miss him," he whispered. 

"He misses you both," Howard replied. He waved one hand, before Trowa could speak. "He doesn't say it, but I know the kid. He doesn't talk to me, hasn't talked to me...or anyone. Oh, not like that," he said, catching Trowa's puzzled look. "Kid's talked. He's talked nonstop...but he hasn't _said_ anything." Howard leaned back as the waitress delivered their drinks. "Look, I still don't know what happened, other than the most glossed-over version possible from that Relena-girl." 

Trowa nearly smirked. Relena could be the Queen of the entire damn universe, and Howard would still act like she was fifteen. Howard gave him a sharp look, and Trowa pulled his mind back to the question. He studied the tablecloth for several seconds, trying to figure out the best way to explain it. 

"When Duo was taken," he began, slowly and carefully, "he protected himself by putting his memories and self-identity into a kind of mental box, leaving only his aggressive, wartime persona to deal with the situation. When that failed, he put that persona away in another mental box, but..." Trowa raised his hands, in a helpless gesture. "That left him completely exposed...his heart, the deepest parts of a person. So...what we saw, what we dealt with, was Duo's true self." 

Howard whistled. "That was the part of him that went through all the training and abuse, then, you mean?" 

"In a nutshell," Heero answered. "And it may have been the reason he survived, because what those bastards wanted—for him to worship and adore his intended Master—is what each person's heart wants." 

"Wait a minute," Howard began, but Trowa cut him off. 

"Heero's right," Trowa said. "Every person has a basic list of things needed, to survive. Food, shelter...and then love. And the truest kind of love is that which happily self-sacrifices for those one loves." 

"Duo's always been like that," Howard replied, a little sadly. "He'd do anything for his friends." 

"For those he loves," Heero agreed. 

"Even if Kid won't admit it sometimes," Howard added. "I...I just wanted to know, because...we're worried. I don't know if you can do anything, and I wouldn't blame you if you said you'd had enough, but the guys 'n me...we're worried. Really worried."

Heero gave Trowa a look, and Trowa focused on Howard, waiting. 

"He's..." Howard sighed and pulled his sunglasses off, setting them on the edge of the table. His gray eyes were piercing. "Kid has a doctor in every port, and every doctor thinks he's the only one Kid is seeing. Pills to let him sleep at night, without the screaming nightmares that plagued him for the first few weeks, until I thought the guys were going to airlock him just so they could sleep. And then he needed pills to wake up in the morning, to undo the effects of what he'd taken the night before...and it's just gotten worse, and worse. He builds up a resistance, and has to keep going, upping the dosage." 

Trowa felt like he'd been punched. Heero's face was pale. 

"I've been reading up on post-traumatic stress disorder," Howard continued, his voice low and unhappy. "Promiscuity and drug abuse are two signs, but Kid's not been with anyone. We've all been watching him on that count, not wanting him to rebound...after you guys. No offense, but it's an open secret he still sleeps with several items of your clothing. Like a security blanket he won't admit to anyone." Howard sighed, and rubbed his forehead. "We're...I don't know how to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Do you still have control over Duo's funds?" 

Trowa raised his eyebrows. He wasn't expecting that. Next to him, Heero nodded, a little suspiciously. 

"I had power of attorney when he was declared MIA," Heero said. "The four of us agreed to let Quatre invest the funds, pending our decision on what to do with the money. We'd considered a scholarship for L2 kids, or possibly finding an orphanage..." 

"I'd like access to that money," Howard replied. "I know Kid's not touched it, and didn't want it. Didn't even like me bringing it up, though I'm not sure why. I think he assumed it was gone...but..." Howard twisted in his seat, and brought out a pamphlet from his back pocket. "Me 'n the guys, we've talked a long time about this, and we want to send him here." Howard pushed the pamphlet across the table. 

Trowa picked it up, scanning it quickly before handing it to Heero. "An Australian clinic for torture victims?" 

"August and two others were sent to an L5 psychiatric hospital," Howard explained. "Kid visits August and the other two every time we're in that quadrant, and August has been coming out of the catatonia. We think if we tell Kid to go with August, accompany him through the therapy, that Kid might end up taking advantage of the therapy himself. But we've got to do _something_. Just standing by and watching Kid pretend to be normal just isn't working any more. He's running desperately just to stay in one place, and even if he can fool himself into thinking that's fine, we can't. And we won't." 

Heero nodded. "I'll have the lawyer draw up the papers to transfer the principle to an account you can access," he said, very quietly. 

"I don't know what else we can do," Trowa whispered. He was surprised, actually, that he could even voice the words. His throat was tight, and his chest felt like someone had just stomped on it, several times. He'd spent the previous two months hoping desperately that Duo was happier with the men who were almost a second family to Duo. To hear the truth, though, hurt. To know he'd allowed Duo to remain silent and distant, while hurting that badly, was almost unbearable. 

"Hey," Howard said, his tone gentle. "Don't beat yourself up over this. Kid's got pride, you know that. But it's time he had someone who knows the deal, knows how to help him, how to get him to heal. There's no shame in seeing someone if you need that, but Duo won't listen to me on that count. So...I have no problem resorting to trickery. I just hope the amount he cares for those kids is enough to make him willing to go through the process, with them." 

Trowa nodded. Under the table, the back of Heero's hand brushed his knuckles. For a second, Trowa felt like crying, but smiled at Heero instead. 

 

 

 

The days passed into weeks, and stretched into months. The absence of Duo was less palpable, as they repaired the first floor on their weekends. The lawn was seeded, the window screens fixed, and Heero began planting flowerbeds to echo the ones they'd left behind at the cabin and never seen bloom. Une reported Liddie was pleased enough with the cabin to allow several generations to stay there already, and Trowa figured that was enough of a legacy from their five months in the mountains. 

Projects came and went; court dates, lengthy briefings, training sessions with new recruits, and Trowa buried himself during the day, awakening slowly at night under Heero's hands. But each time, when sleep came, he'd lock down the lonely ache, and tried to convince himself that it was enough to love Heero and be satisfied with that. 

Howard alerted them when Duo escorted August and the two other kids to the therapy center, agreeing to stay as their guardian for the duration of their treatment. He had no idea how long it would be, but Trowa and Heero kept their eyes on the accounts Howard drew for the cost. Four people in intensive, on-site therapy wasn't cheap, despite the years Duo had frugally saved all his wartime funds and Preventer bonuses. By the third month, Heero and Trowa met with Quatre and Wufei, and the four agreed to begin saving on their own to pay for the treatment, if six months came and went with no sign of the four being released. At almost four thousand credits per month, for each of the four, even Duo's substantial savings would be gone quickly enough. The four remaining pilots knew they would sell their own houses and take second jobs if it were necessary, so long as Duo had a shot at being helped. 

In June, Trowa and Heero moved into the downstairs apartment. Over the course of a month, they rearranged their belongings, preferring to work by themselves rather than call up friends for help. It wasn't discussed, but the act of starting over felt like another necessary step. By the end of June, with the heat of the summer fast approaching, the apartment was unpacked and arranged, and they began work on the upstairs apartment. Heero had estimated it would be ready for someone to move in by mid-July, or August at the latest. 

Trowa stared at the calendar in the kitchen, idly flipping through the pages before lifting up the next sheet to pin it to the wall. The month of July was a picture of a baby dolphin, and for a long moment, Trowa stared at it, before stretching out his hand. He ran one finger down the outline of the dolphin, and realized tears were dripping down his cheeks. He was startled when Heero came up behind him, clasping Trowa around the waist. 

"You were right," Heero whispered. "He's a dolphin..." 

Trowa nodded, and tried to smile. "He's the kind who needs a great deal of space to play, isn't he." 

Heero said nothing, but pressed his lips against the back of Trowa's neck, and kept them there for several heartbeats. "I don't think he's coming back," Heero murmured. He reached around, fingering the pendant hanging from Trowa's neck. "I wonder when it will stop hurting." 

"I don't think it ever does," Trowa replied gently, remembering the years he'd spent trying to learn to live knowing Quatre as a friend, rather than a lover. Sometimes, some days, it was still hard, no matter who was in his life, now. Trowa turned in Heero's arms, and rested his hands on Heero's shoulders, rubbing against Heero's collarbone with his thumbs. "You...I don't say it, but..." 

"I know," Heero replied. "You don't have to say it." 

"Stay with me," Trowa said. 

"Always." 

That night, when they made love, it was slow, and careful, as though each were afraid the other would break from the pain of accepting what they had spent months denying. And although it wasn't the most graceful or mind-blowing sex they'd had, that didn't matter. The physical contact was real; but more importantly, it was true. 

 

 

 

In late July, they put an ad in the newspapers. Three-bedroom, second-floor apartment, one bath, with laundry hookup in the basement; cats acceptable, dogs negotiable. Trowa leaned over for Ifrit to leap onto his shoulder, and chatted with the cat as he busied himself sorting the afternoon's mail. He caught himself mimicking Ifrit's meows, and it reminded him of Jade. The letter in his hand fell from his fingers, and he had to pause, take a deep breath, and pick the letter back up. 

Even now, he thought, little things catch me off-guard. Sighing, he opened the letter, scanned the contents, and filed it away with the rest of the bills. Heero would be home from his latest certification run, in two days, and Trowa had hoped to have good news about renting the upstairs. There had been no word from Duo, still, and Howard had not sent an update in several weeks. Another month, and they would need the added income from the rent to be able to provide their share of supporting the therapy costs. 

By evening, Trowa was tired of answering the phone, explaining the same thing written in the advertisements they'd posted. Children were not welcome, nor were large dogs. Having either directly overhead was out of the question, they'd agreed, and he sighed as he hung up the phone for the eighth time on yet another persistent soul who didn't see why Trowa and Heero would be so particular about who would share their house. They wanted reference letters from employers, and proof of consistent, continual employment. Trowa hadn't thought that was unusual, but he was beginning to wonder if they'd set their standards too high, as a way to stave off the final inch of the door shutting on the life they'd had in the mountains. 

He moved away from the phone, the calendar catching his gaze. Staring at it, he realized it was time to change the month, and for a long second, he held the next page, but found himself unable to lift it up to reveal August. Finally he dug through the kitchen drawer for the razor blades, and carefully cut just below the calendar's seam. The month of July fell away, revealing August, but the dolphin's picture remained visible. Satisfied, Trowa stared at the picture for a long time. One hand reached up to touch the dolphin, while his other hand found its way to the pendant, clasping it loosely. 

The phone rang again, and Trowa nearly growled. In two days, Heero would be back, and Trowa deliberated making Heero answer the phone for the next month in retaliation for the aggravation of dealing with idiots. 

 

 

 

"Trowa," Heero said, coming into the bedroom. Several letters were in his hand, and he watched for a second as Trowa stripped the bed in preparation for laundry. "These are the letters of reference for the applicants, and...this is my notice to Preventers, and this is―" 

"Your _what_?" Trowa froz in the act of removing a pillowcase. "You're leaving Preventers? When did you decide this?" 

"I'm not leaving," Heero replied. "And I didn't decide, yet. I...want you to look at it. Tell me what you think." 

"You said your notice. What else does that mean?" Trowa stalked across the room, suddenly angry, and took the papers from Heero. He read them quickly, tossing the reference letters onto the bed as he read Heero's rough draft. When he was done, he raised puzzled eyes to Heero's face. "I thought you hate administrative positions." 

Heero dropped his eyes. "I hate being gone for days on end, more," he said, sounding almost ashamed. "I'm tired of feeling like I spend more time with my suitcase than with you." 

"Oh," Trowa said, the anger gone immediately. "So you'll take the position Une's offering for the IT department? I thought there was still travel involved, or was that a different posting?" 

"That's this one," Heero replied, shaking his head slightly. "But it's only fifteen percent travel, compared to seventy-five percent. It's not a complete reduction, but good enough." His gaze turned hopeful. "The Mechanical Operations division is looking for a director..." 

Trowa raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think―" 

"Try anyway," Heero pressed. 

"Okay," Trowa said, relenting. "Let me get the laundry started and I'll work up a draft request." 

Heero smiled. "And then we need to review the applications." He stopped, his eyes wide, and he pulled the letter from the bottom of the stack. "And there's _this_." 

"What is―" 

"Read it," Heero said, his eyes fixed on the letter. 

Confused, Trowa dropped his gaze to the letter. It was a facsimile copy. Trowa recognized the header; it was the official logo of the rehabilitation center in Australia. The four—Duo, Timothy, Elizabeth, and Martin—were being released. There was a note scrawled at the bottom, in Howard's angular hand. 

_Duo has custody of the three kids, but coming back to space is not an option. The Sweepers don't have educational facilities for two teenagers. We need to get together to discuss what options I can offer Duo, and a full accounting of his remaining funds. ― Howard_

"I think there's only a few thousand left," Trowa muttered. 

"Five thousand, six hundred and seventy-eight," Heero replied. "I checked after I read it. I don't know if that's enough to set them up...and I don't know if Duo would take it, now." They both knew, through Howard, that Duo had never been willing to discuss the money, though Howard suspected Duo most likely had plans to pay back every penny, under the assumption that it was the Sweepers financing the rehabilitation stay. Heero sighed and ran his finger across the center's logo. "But I guess this means he's back..." 

"Even if he's somewhere else, and not here with us, I can live with that," Trowa said. "He's free. Finally." 

 

 

 

Heero threw down the last reference letter in disgust. "There's no way I'm living downstairs from someone who thinks random odd jobs will produce the money to pay for rent on a regular basis." He leaned back in the chair, and twisted sideways to throw one leg over the arm of the chair. "Let alone someone who thinks six people in a three-bedroom apartment is acceptable." 

"Technically, it could be," Trowa replied, studying the other applications. "But they're not my first choice. How soon is the appointment?" 

"A few minutes," Heero replied, without looking. "If I have to listen to that agent go through her spiel one more time, I'm going to shoot her through the floor," he grumbled. "Wouldn't be that hard to track her location blind. Damn woman talks like she's got to be heard over a vernier engine." 

Trowa grinned. "Maybe we should have made being mute a requirement, too." 

"Or just rearrange the electrical system so we can blow the circuit if we end up renting to someone who thinks stereos can only play at full blast," Heero replied, motioning to one of the reference letters noting the tenant had a problem with playing music softly. "You'd think a person might realize that such a comment from a previous landlord is a _bad_ thing, not a _good_ thing." 

The back outside door opened, and both men could hear the woman chattering on already. Footsteps traveled up the old servant's stairs, and Trowa was quiet, watching Heero twitch slightly as he listened to the woman move through the rooms. There had been several pairs of feet, Trowa noted, but now only one pair followed the woman, and softly at that. He raised his eyebrows, glancing at Heero, who nodded. It was possibly the first time someone had looked at the apartment without stomping through every room. 

"Bet it's someone with a rap sheet," Heero muttered. "Would make perfect sense. Quiet, conscientious, and mugs old ladies for a living." 

Trowa laughed softly. More footsteps were moving, now, and it sounded like two or three people, gathering in the living room over their heads. Heero leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. 

"Do you think this was a bad idea?" His voice was soft, and a bit doubtful. "We're halfway through August, and we thought we'd have a good tenant in that apartment by now." 

"Why don't you?" 

The voice was soft, and hesitant, but distinct. Trowa's head came up, and he was on his feet before he knew what he'd done. Heero was up almost as quickly, staring wide-eyed at the man in the doorway to their kitchen. 

"Your kitchen door was unlocked," Duo said, and chewed his lower lip for a second, looking like he was seriously reconsidering his intrusion. "I...sorry," he whispered, backing up. "I guess this was a bad idea." 

"No," Trowa half-shouted, stepping forward as though he could catch Duo, although half the living room and all of the dining room lay between them. "No," Trowa repeated, "it's not...please...come in." 

Duo was silent, then glanced over his shoulder before nodding. He walked towards them with the same brash stroll Trowa recalled from their days on Peacemillion, and his eyes were clear and bright, if a darker, more somber blue than Trowa remembered. His braid was nearly to his waist, and his plain white t-shirt draped across his frame, loose enough to look comfortable, but tight enough to show he'd filled out. His arms were corded with muscles; Trowa noted that Duo had regained the slim but powerful build he'd had before leaving for L2, that fateful spring, a year and a half ago. Duo's feet were bare, and it made Trowa smile. 

"What?" Duo stopped, a few feet away, and returned the smile with a shy look that quickly melted into something a bit more forward. "I'm coming back to Preventers, but now I've got two little brothers and a little sister. Hard to find a place to rent...Howard recommended this place, but I didn't realize it might be you until I saw..." He shrugged, and his sudden grin was bright and infectious. "It was the color of the ceilings. You used the same yellowish color, and the tile in the bathroom is just like the cabin's." 

Heero ducked his head, looking both pleased and abashed, and Trowa chuckled. 

"Guilty as charged," Trowa said. He stepped forward, intending to offer his hand to shake, or possibly try for a hug if Duo wanted, but he froze when Duo's eyes went wide. Duo didn't even breathe, but merely stared, and Trowa frowned, uncertain. "Du...Deo? What's―" 

"It's Duo, now," Duo replied. He swallowed hard, and it seemed to take a bit of effort for him to raise his face to meet Trowa's eyes. "The..." He stopped, looking past Trowa to Heero. Duo frowned, and stepped forward, startling Heero. Duo reached out, grasping the pendant around Heero's neck and staring at it for several seconds. Slowly he let it drop, and he turned to Trowa with wide eyes. 

"You kept...you have two?" Duo glanced from Trowa's pendant, to Heero's, and back again. "I don't understand," he whispered. 

"We gave you the pendant to let you know we cared," Trowa replied, his gaze dropping away from Duo's intense, bewildered expression. "We didn't stop caring just because you weren't here." 

Duo let out a long shuddering breath. "I...I guess this was a bad idea," he said, a bit slowly. "I...I don't want to mess things up again." 

"You never messed them up in the first place, you idiot," Heero snapped. 

Trowa blinked, but Duo merely laughed, a bright sound that made the room suddenly glow. "Yuy, you'll never change," Duo replied. "I know I didn't, but sometimes I worried, y'know? I put you both through so much..." 

"We signed up for all of it," Trowa told him. "And I personally wouldn't change a thing. Not a minute, not a single instant." 

"Yeah, but people change," Duo replied. 

It took Trowa a heartbeat to realize Duo's shoulders were tense. He's waiting for something, Trowa realized, seeing the signs of Duo's wartime wariness. For once, it didn't aggravate him like it had during the war, nor did it sadden him, like when he'd glimpsed it in Jade. Instead, it thrilled him, to see that independent self-protectiveness, so truly Duo, showing up again. Heero, beside Trowa, shifted in place, and Trowa suddenly realized what Duo was asking. 

"Not that much," Trowa said. "Never that much." 

"Are you sure?" Duo's gaze darted from Trowa to Heero and back again. "I don't always have the best days, and sometimes I have trouble trusting, even if I try...and sometimes I think I'm terribly wrong. Other days I can accept it, and know what's me, and that it's me, but―" 

"Duo," Trowa told him. "You are not perfect, you won't ever be, and that's okay. Hell, even _Heero_ isn't perfect." Trowa smirked as Heero shot him an annoyed look, and Duo's snort turned into a chuckle when Heero rolled his eyes. Trowa stepped forward, and placed his hands on Duo's cheeks, rubbing his thumbs against Duo's cheekbones. "If you want the three rooms upstairs for the kids, we have two more rooms down here." 

"We have three," Heero said, moving in closer, too. One of his hands reached out, to rest gently on Duo's hip, and Heero smiled at Trowa as Duo's eyes closed under the affectionate touch on face and body. "You can pick any of the three that you want." 

"And..." Duo's eyes remained close, and he swallowed hard. "If I pick a room where you already are?" 

"We're here already," Trowa pointed out. "When you're ready, you know where we live." 

"I've known that all along," Duo whispered. He raised one hand, and pressed it against his heart. "Right here, the whole time." 

Trowa smiled, and glanced at Heero, who nodded. Trowa knew his smile grew wider, as evidenced by Heero's minute eyebrow twitch. And then Trowa leaned over, tilting Duo's face up, and pressed his lips against Duo's. There was a pause, a small gasp from Duo, and then his hand came up, holding onto Trowa's shirt as Duo canted his head, opening his mouth. Duo ran his tongue along Trowa's lips, and Trowa read the invitation, and deepened the kiss. After several seconds, Trowa pulled back, opening his eyes to see Duo's flushed face, and wide-eyed look. Duo's left hand was caught in Trowa's shirt, and Duo's right hand was clutching the pocket of Heero's jeans. Duo glanced from Trowa to Heero, a thin line appearing between his brow, and Heero gave a little, exasperated shake of his head before leaning forward to capture Duo's lips against his own. 

There was a soft whimper from Duo, and Trowa's heart leaped up into his throat, watching Duo melt against Heero. The hand on Trowa's shirt remained, holding tightly, and Trowa smiled down at it. Putting one hand up on Duo's hand, he gently undid Duo's fingers from his shirt. Duo pulled away from Heero abruptly, his sleepy, heavy-lidded expression changing to anxiety. Trowa gave Heero a quick kiss, followed by one for Duo, and stepped away. 

"Stay there," he said, but softened it with a smile. 

Heading into the bedroom, it took him several seconds to find what he sought, and he returned to the living room quickly. Duo hadn't moved, but Heero was now hugging Duo from behind, and Duo seemed to be gradually relaxing into the touch. Overhead, Trowa distantly became aware that the agent was wrapping up her sales pitch. Trowa shoved the awareness away, and held out his hand, opening his fingers to reveal the original pendant across his palm. 

"If you..." Trowa couldn't finish the statement, not sure what he'd wanted to say. 

Duo chewed his lower lip for a second, then smiled shyly, and reached for the pendant. He put it around his neck, and Heero took it, catching the clasp as Duo lifted the braid out of the way. Dropping the braid with a thump against his back, Duo smoothed the pendant down, and smiled at Trowa. 

"I know what it really means, now," Duo said. 

"It meant that all along," Heero whispered against Duo's ear. 

"Always." Trowa smiled, and kissed Duo on the nose. "Welcome home."


	32. epilogue

Heero glanced up to see Trowa leaning back in his chair on the other side of the conference table. Trowa's booted feet were up on the chair next to him. Une had just arrived, and was still sorting out her papers, while the rest of the Directors seated themselves. Wufei appeared behind Trowa, glaring down, but Trowa just grinned and didn't move his feet. Wufei arched an eyebrow and yanked the chair away from the table. Trowa's feet hit the floor with a thump. Trowa laughed and said something Heero couldn't catch. He was too busy listening as Sam explained the latest proposals to the systems development project. 

"Everyone," Une announced. "Let's get this started, and try to keep it short. I've got a―" She looked up to see Duo rushing in, his assistant director at his side. Duo slid into the seat at the end of the table with a dramatic sigh. Une tapped her pen on the table. "―meeting with the Board in an hour."

"Don't be sore, Une," Duo told her, grinning. "We all wish we could be as popular as you."

"Shut it, Maxwell," Une snapped, but there was no rancor. "Or, keep it open and you can start."

Duo rolled his eyes and leaned back, glancing over at Heero with a suddenly wicked expression. "Uh, broke the server about two minutes ago."

"Broke the..." Sam's jaw fell open. "What did you do _this_ time?"

"Ah, well, see," Duo said, his expression rueful and only marginally innocent, one hand behind his head as he stalled. "I had my team running tests on the dev system, and I wanted screen shots of the steps. So we raised the IP number up one, from dot-sixteen to dot-seventeen, to show the process for server additions."

"Dot-seventeen," Heero repeated, blinking. He was somewhere between coming up out of his chair and gaping. Across the table, Trowa snorted, but his face was perfectly serious when both Une and Heero glanced his way. Heero returned his attention to Duo, who looked like Ifrit after the cat had sufficiently killed a paper ball. Heero coughed, and tried again. "So now both dev and prod think they're running the same IP."

"Looks like it," Duo replied. "Which means your dev is not tight from your prod. Furthermore, when we made the change, we backed out. So there's a major bug in there that lets changes go through even without a send command."

Sam looked like he wanted to crawl under the table, and Heero gritted his teeth. He was going to be in the server room all night dealing with this, he just knew it. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"Just now got here," Duo said, shrugging, then his look turned a bit chagrined. "And we were kinda hoping we could fix it..." 

"Don't fix it," Wufei groaned. "Please. Your fixes are the most Byzantine possible." 

Trowa leaned forward on the table, appearing to rest his chin on his fist, but his fingers were clearly pressed against his lips as he struggled not to laugh. Duo gave Heero a wide-eyed look, and shrugged. 

"Hey, it's my job," Duo protested. "Have you considered threatening your programmers?"

Heero considered growling. Then he considered shooting Duo. It'd been a long hard day, and he really didn't need the extra aggravation, even if it was his team's fault for not debugging more thoroughly. Just as he looked up to say something to Duo, the other man subtly tugged at the edge of his shirt, as though completely unaware of the motion. The pendant flashed in the overhead lights, and Duo's quick glance to Heero was missed on everyone but Heero and Trowa. It was both apology and offer to help, at the same time. Heero sighed, and stared down at his notes.

"Well," he finally said. "I guess we know my team's top priority now." He flipped through his notes and pulled out a list of systems operations. "And the former top priorities are now secondary, as long as our live systems are screwed..." He began handing out the weekly report, but in the back of his head were sneaky little ideas for getting even with Duo. Not because it was professionally required—or even very professional—but simply because getting even with Duo was always so much fun.

 

 

 

"Quatre's in town next week," Trowa said, dropping the onion peels into the trashcan as Heero came through the door. He leaned over, accepting a quick kiss. "Thought we'd have him and Emmy over for dinner."

"Blonds aren't to my taste," Heero quipped, setting his work satchel on a kitchen chair. He toed off his toes and put them in the rack by the back door, glancing around. "Duo?"

"Upstairs with Martin, working on algebra homework." Trowa ran something under the faucet, then shut off the water. "And Bethie's waiting in the garage for you."

Heero smiled to himself. "Thought you were going to help her with that. Or Duo was." He tugged at the tie around his neck, unsurprised when Trowa reached over and grabbed it, pulling them closer. Trowa twisted the tie around his hand, and pinned Heero against the countertop. 

"I like ties," Trowa whispered, kissing him deeply for a few seconds. "They're almost as good as braids."

"I'm not growing a braid," Heero retorted. "And I just might dip Duo's in green paint for what he did to my servers."

Trowa laughed and released Heero after another quick kiss. "Fix it yet?"

"We had to shut down prod for an hour while we reconfigured dev. Couldn't keep both up while they were in conflict," Heero said. "I'm going to change...and then I'll go see if the engine is now in twenty pieces, or forty."

"Dinner will be ready in an hour," Trowa called. Heero nodded, waving over his shoulder as he headed to the bedroom.

 

 

 

"Hey..." The whisper was too loud to be a true whisper, delivered in a stage-level tone. Heero kept his breathing even, and lay perfectly still. Sure enough, a second whisper followed, a little softer, followed by a poke to his ribs. "Hey...you're not really mad at me, are you?" 

On Duo's other side, Trowa rolled over, murmuring something that made Duo hum happily for a few seconds. Heero smiled inwardly and kept up the pretense, wondering how long it would take. Sometimes, it wasn't a good idea, he knew; sometimes, such reactions triggered Duo's worst fears of being abandoned and ignored, and nightmares would follow. But the past few days had been good ones, given Duo's continued excellence as the only man who could run a team of reprobates. And that was a team, Heero reminded himself, who could find any flaw in any Preventers system, firearm, or machinery, and exploit it perfectly until the item was in sixteen pieces. While it might seem counter-intuitive, somehow it was a point of pride for Duo to find the errors and thrash them until they begged for mercy, or thrash the teams that created the flawed systems, if that's what it took. And with six issues discovered this week alone—and it was only Wednesday—Heero knew that meant Duo would be quite pleased with himself, and self-confident enough to keep pushing, rather than recoil in anxiety at Heero's silence. 

When the gentle poke came again, followed by a soft laugh, Heero knew he was right.

"You're not really sleeping," Duo whispered, wriggling closer until his mouth was against Heero's ear. He ran his tongue along the edge of Heero's ear, and chuckled again when Heero shivered involuntarily. "Ah, didn't think so...which means you're awake..." Duo ran his fingers along Heero's chest, under the blanket, down to Heero's groin, the palm of his hand brushing across Heero's half-hard erection. Duo made a hissing sound, his bedroom laugh. "Well, you're up, at least."

Heero smiled, then, and opened his eyes to see Duo only a few inches away. "Long day, and that car is never going to run," he informed Duo. He glanced past Duo to see Trowa watching with curious eyes, and Heero put on a long-suffering expression. "Dinner was the high point. Now I'm digesting."

"I've got better things to digest," Duo retorted, and one second he was still. The next second he was gone, disappearing in a flash of blankets. 

Heero pushed himself up on his elbows, keeping his eyes on the Duo-sized lump near the foot of the bed. Trowa moved his legs, and the bundle squeaked. Trowa grinned at Heero, who sat up against the headboard at the same instant as two hands under the blanket reached for his thighs. The quick move left the hands grasping at his knees. Heero leaned over, tackling the Duo-shaped huddle and pinning it down. Trowa shifted farther down the bed, scissoring his legs around Duo, under the blankets. 

"Got him," Heero said, and Trowa grinned. 

Trowa's arms disappeared under the blanket, and followed by most of Trowa. The Duo-shape began thrashing in earnest, giggling madly as Trowa tackled him. Heero held on, waiting until Duo collapsed, laughing, and then Heero pulled back the blanket. 

"Mercy," Duo said, gasping. He stuck his tongue out at Heero, who leaned down for a kiss. The move turned into an open-mouth gasp from Heero as Duo's hand found its way to Heero's groin. A second gasp from Trowa indicated Duo had left no one out. 

"I'll show you mercy," Heero growled. He glanced at Trowa from over Duo's head, and Heero leaned down for another kiss, grabbing Duo under the arms. Trowa immediately grabbed Duo's hips, pulling Duo out from under the blankets, backwards, as Heero pulled Duo's upper body as well.

Duo ended up lying across their laps, twisted in the blankets he still clutched. He grinned up at Heero, and wriggled in place until one leg was up. A foot poked Trowa in the ribs, and Trowa giggled, falling against the headboard as Duo pressed the advantage. It left a few parts exposed, but Trowa took full advantage, and Duo's teasing quickly subsided into soft moans. 

"I was _going_ to sleep tonight," Heero said, watching Duo's face go lax, his mouth open. Heero leaned over to give Trowa a deep kiss, one hand intertwined with Trowa's free hand, as Heero's other hand ran blindly up Duo's chest towards Duo's waiting, open mouth. Heero pulled away from the kiss with a grin as Duo's hand found his erection again. "Okay, plans changed." He bent over to run his mouth down Duo's chest. 

Trowa chuckled, and grabbed the edge of the blanket, pulling it over all three of them. Soon there was one large lump under the blanket, which alternately moaned and laughed, with soft whispers and whimpers as they moved against each other. At one point Trowa threw back the blanket, pretending to gasp for air, but was dragged back underneath by Duo and Heero. 

Sometimes, Heero knew, sleep was overrated. Play was far more important in the scheme of things.

 

 

 

"Elizabeth," Wufei said, handing the young woman a bouquet of flowers. Duo rolled his eyes behind Bethie, and Wufei made a face at him.

The girl completely missed the men's interaction, burying her face in the flowers and inhaling deeply before trotting off to the kitchen to find something to hold the flowers. Wufei accepted Duo's hug with grace, followed with Trowa's and Heero's more reticent handshakes. Quatre stood, along with Emmy, who kissed Wufei on both cheeks. Martin hovered in the background, pleased when Wufei took a few moments to compliment the boy's progress on achieving green belt at the local dojo.

"Timothy's got to finish his college essay," Heero explained, taking Wufei's coat. "He'll be down as soon as he's finished."

"It's amazing what you've done with the house," Wufei told him, looking around. "I could've sworn the living room was yellow the last time I was here, though."

"Blame Trowa," Heero said. "He's incapable of driving past the hardware store without stopping."

Quatre made a point of turning on the sofa to poke at the wall. "Look on the bright side. For every layer of paint, that's one more thickness that would help prevent a house fire. And with these old wooden houses―" He was cut off when Emmy elbowed him. 

"You are not inviting them to paint our living room purple," she informed him. Quatre laughed. 

"I like the color," Duo said, looking around. "It's very...purple."

Trowa sighed melodramatically.

"You should see what he did to the bathroom," Martin interjected. "It's blue, with orange splotches."

"It's―" Heero started to say, but Trowa jutted his lower lip, and Heero took the hint. Duo grinned behind his hand. Bethie returned with the flowers in a bottle, and set it on the dining room table. A quick look from Duo, and she nodded, her ponytail bouncing as she began helping Martin with setting out plates and silverware.

"Heavyarms," Quatre finished for Heero, ducking quickly when Trowa pretended to deck him. "Not my problem you had the craziest color scheme."

"Could be worse," Trowa retorted. "If we were channeling Deathscythe, this place would look like a morgue."

"But it would be the coolest damn morgue ever," Duo replied. "White wine, Emmy...red wine, Quatre? Wufei?"

"White," Wufei replied, and sniffed. "Smells great." He paused, and eyed Heero suspiciously. "Duo did cook, right?"

"I am _not_ that bad," Heero told him, a bit stiffly. 

"You're right, I hear you're―" Quatre's words ended in a yelp, and Heero looked over to see Emmy smiling wickedly. Heero blinked, a little uncertain what that was about.

The doorbell rang, and Heero stepped over, pulling the door open to reveal Relena and Neil. He took the coats, accepting Relena's kiss on his cheek at the same time he shook Neil's hand. "Just in time," Heero told them, as if quietly indignant. "I may need assistance pummeling these heathens who don't think I can cook." 

"Heero's a very good cook," Relena informed the room, between hugs with the rest of the pilots and a quick kiss on Duo's cheek. "He makes a mean ramen."

"You're not helping, Rel," Heero glared.

"Ramen is a good thing to make," Neil protested. "I'm up to macaroni and cheese."

"This is why I don't love you for your cooking," Relena told him, draping one arm around Duo's waist. Duo beamed, a little smugly, as Relena laid her head on his shoulder. "If food were the top priority, I'd run away and live with Duo."

"Why not?" Wufei glanced over at Martin, who was busy setting the table. "Seems like every time I turn around, there's people staying here."

"Hotels are no place for friends," Trowa said.

"Besides, it's not often I can stay in a pink-and-yellow striped guest bedroom," Emmy reminded Wufei. 

"Can't sleep in it," Quatre grumbled. "I feel like I'm trapped in the world's largest bonbon." Quatre winked at Trowa, who merely arched an eyebrow in return. A napkin hit Quatre in the side of the head, and Heero glanced up to see Bethie pointing at Martin, who gave her a baffled look. 

"It was Bethie's room when the boys were at summer camp," Trowa replied. "We just haven't come up with a new scheme."

"Is that her stained glass workstation, then?" Emmy accepted a glass of wine from Duo, who poured another glass and handed it to Relena. "You remembered my favorite," Emmy sighed, and gave Duo a grateful smile. Heero was amused to see Duo flush, just a little. 

"No, that's Heero's," Trowa replied, setting out coasters on the table. "New project."

"You're doing stained glass?" Relena looked up from her perch on the end of the sofa, squeezed between the arm and Neil. "Now there's something I didn't expect."

"We need something for the front door," Heero said, shrugging. When Relena raised her eyebrows at him, he rolled his eyes. "Or so I've been informed."

"We do! It's boring!" Duo shook his head. "I wanted red."

"A red front door is a good luck sign," Wufei agreed.

"Houses sell better with red front doors," Emmy pointed out. 

Quatre gave his wife a puzzled look. "How the hell do you know? We've lived in the same house for twelve years now!"

"Oh, I read it somewhere," Emmy replied, casually. "I do read, y'know, when I'm not busy remonstrating your three hooligans."

"Mine!" Quatre shook his head.

"Oh, they're definitely yours," Wufei replied. Trowa perched on the edge of the sofa and grinned at Quatre over Relena's head. Quatre made a face, and Wufei pointed a finger at him. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, and they go crazy on a regular basis."

Emmy's smile was tight, and Neil laughed politely, but the five pilots all grinned widely as Quatre flushed, a little guilty. He grumbled something under his breath, and Relena only laughed harder, clapping Trowa on the thigh as he chuckled at Quatre's expression. It was one thing to know the story, but neither Emmy nor Neil had been there. Heero could recall those years as through a haze, but it was no longer a source of pain, but a strength. He laughed with the rest of them, understanding the real reason for the joy.

Heero realized then that Duo was next to him, offering him a glass of red wine. The hand around the glass remained for just a second longer than necessary, and as Duo let go of the glass, he brushed the back of his hand across Heero's knuckles. Giving Heero a quick, shy smile, Duo ducked his head and went to fill Quatre's glass, then Neil's. The rest continued to talk, but Heero watched Duo, amazed yet again at the playful grace, the quick smile, and the ready wit. Duo met Wufei's and Quatre's and Relena's friendly barbs, and threw them right back again. 

When the bottle was empty, Duo set it on a side table, spoke with Martin for a few seconds, and glanced over his shoulder at Heero. Timothy was probably done with his essay and ready to come down and be social, but one of them would need to check the essay first. Heero nodded, accepting the task. Duo smiled in return, moving to stand by Trowa, who reached out without looking to wrap his arm around Duo's waist. The group was laughing and chattering, but Heero heard them as from a distance, his eyes on his two closest friends, his two lovers. 

"I still say a red door is the best way to get your house noticed," Emmy was protesting.

"Noticed by teenagers who'll egg it," Wufei grumbled.

"Amazing, you get along with the three's three just fine," Relena pointed out. 

"That's because I trust Yuy to threaten them if they get out of line," Wufei said, implacable. "Besides, Bethie's not so bad. Even if she thinks cars are better than motorcycles." He glanced across the room to the fifteen-year old, who blushed. 

"A red door," Neil was saying at the same time. "So many houses have such boring doors. A red door...that pretty much says that the people in the house want to be noticed, I think."

We don't, Heero thought. No...we just don't care. There's no need to have a fancy door, or stained glass, or red, or even a spare bedroom that's in colors that still make me wonder if Trowa had inhaled too much jet fuel at work that day. It doesn't matter. I know what really matters, he told himself, and realized both Trowa and Duo were watching him. He gave them a secretive smile, and laughed when Duo's tongue slipped out to wiggle at him, for a split-second. Trowa winked at Heero, and squeezed Duo close. Heero laughed again, and went to join his lovers.


End file.
